


This is Not the End of Me

by JadedNightingale2308



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Romance, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2020-10-19 13:10:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 116,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20657798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JadedNightingale2308/pseuds/JadedNightingale2308
Summary: When the universe has torn you apart, what do you do? Who do you turn to? Who do you trust? How do you pick up the pieces, and who do you become once you've put them back together? I was just a normal girl, living my normal life, until I wasn't. Until I died and woke up as Evangeline, in the Doctor's impossible world, and everything I thought I knew about myself, about what I wanted, was unraveling in front of me. What do you do then? You run.





	1. The Girl I Was Before

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this first chapter, though the Doctor has not appeared yet. He'll be here soon. I'll be trying to upload once a week but please bear with me. I am a teacher in real life and the mother of three furbabies (along with my husband) and we all know how busy life can get. So when the chapters are longer or life gets hectic, it could take longer. But I will try to upload at least every other week at a minimum. Look forward to the next chapter soon!
> 
> This is the first story I've ever posted on Archive of Our Own. I have posted a lot in the past on Fanfiction but this is my first time here. I've tagged this story with the tags I feel are appropriate for the future of this story but please let me know if you think I am missing any tags.

Chapter 1: The Girl I Was Before

_~“It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live”~_

_Marcus Aurelius_

It was late. Later than I’d realized and definitely later than I’d meant to be. I glanced at the clock in my car, the old 2007 Hyundai Santa Fe I had inherited from Mom that had definitely seen better days, and slowly released a sigh. It was almost midnight. My shift at the old folk’s home, where I worked the front desk, was supposed to have ended at 10 PM. Instead, I got the lucky privilege of waiting around for two hours waiting for the next shift to show. I called it being “voluntold.” My boss asked me if I would mind waiting for Karen to show up, but really she was telling me I was going to stay. Of course, my boss was able to go home. Working at an assisted living facility, someone had to be at the front desk 24/7. You know, in case the old people woke up in the middle of the night and tried to make a run for freedom.

I shouldn’t complain. It pushed me into overtime, and I could use the extra money if I wanted to move out in time for college to start. I _needed_ to move out in time for college to start. I didn’t want to live at home anymore.

With that, I thought of my house. Not a home, just a house that I returned to every day. I was only two streets away from turning onto mine. I couldn’t help but hope that my father’s car wasn’t in the driveway. It had been a long shift. We had gotten a new resident who didn’t want to live there and kept trying to leave the building, but was also on the “flight risk” list of residents not allowed to go outside without a chaperone. Days like this, having to constantly explain to a poor old lady that she can’t get some fresh air, were long.

There was only so much I could handle in one day. I didn’t think I could deal with Dad tonight, deal with the urn full of Mom’s ashes on the fireplace mantle, the smell of alcohol that poured out of Dad like beer from a tap. I just… couldn’t deal. Not tonight.

I frowned when I saw his car parked in the driveway. But I could still be lucky. It didn’t happen often, but maybe this once I would be. Maybe I’ll walk into the house and hear nothing but quiet tonight. Maybe I won’t hear the sound of a vodka bottle rolling across the hardwood floor. Dad often went out with his friend Sal on Friday nights. He could have gotten picked up and could still be out.

I parked my car on the street in front of the house and climbed out, grabbing my small backpack off the passenger seat before I closed the door behind me. I clicked the fob once, enough to lock the doors but not enough to beep the alarm. Not surprisingly, he had forgotten to turn the porch light on again. Thanks for thinking of me, Dad. He always claimed he forgot, but I had my doubts that he didn’t do it on purpose. I climbed the porch stairs, unlocked the knob, and opened the front door.

Please don’t be home.

Turns out that I wasn’t so lucky, after all. I could hear the television running and the sound of his snores from the entryway. At least he was asleep. Hopefully, he would stay that way. As quietly as I could, I closed the front door behind me and locked it back up. I had to pass by the living room to get to the kitchen. I peeked into the living room as I walked silently down the hallway. As usual, he was passed out in the reclining chair. A glass of something brown sat on the end table next to him. From the open bottle on the coffee table, I assumed it was scotch. I rolled my eyes. He only drank scotch when he was annoyed about something. He drank vodka when he was happy and whiskey when he was sad. How sad was it that I could tell his moods by the liquor he drank? I would have to hear about something I supposedly did wrong if he woke up, so I moved into the kitchen, trying not to make a peep.

My aim was to go to bed. I grabbed a cold water bottle from the fridge so that I wouldn’t have to come back down in the middle of the night if I was thirsty and risk running into him. Times like this I was grateful that we lived in a ranch. No creaky stairs to have to walk up. Other times, like when he was in a rage, it wasn’t so nice living in a ranch.

I was halfway down the hall to my room when I stopped hearing his snores. I tensed, preparing myself. Here it came.

“Paige,” came the gruff voice of my father. The recliner creaked as it locked back into its sitting position. “That you?

I took a deep breath before responding. “Yeah, Dad, I’m here.”

He cursed as he got up from the chair, looking around to figure out where I was. When he finally found me, he stared hard, focusing. “What… time is it?” He was past the point of speaking normally, but not so drunk that he was slurring his words. I called it his Level Three Drunk. Level One was what I referred to as a typical person’s drunk and Level Two was when he started getting loud. Level Three was where he started losing the ability to think and speak at the same time.

“It’s midnight, Dad,” I said, keeping my voice flat. Between the fact that he was at a Level Three and the fact that he was drinking scotch, I couldn’t show any frustration with him. “The person after me didn’t show and my boss made me stay and wait for them.”

“You think… You think I care?” He barked as he started to stumble towards me, holding onto the wall for support. I took a step backward instinctively. He didn’t seem to notice. “You tell your boss… That you have to come home. Who the hell’s going to…” He paused, losing his train of thought. Typical. “Who the hell is going to make me dinner? What am I supposed to eat, Paige?” As his voice got louder, he seemed to regain some of his ability to form sentences. “Do you expect me to cook? Do you?”

I’m pretty sure you already had a liquid dinner, Dad, but sure. Let’s pretend like I’m the only one who can feed you. “Sorry, Dad, I’ll try to get out earlier next time.” It pained me to apologize, to act like I cared about his stupid dinner, but that was the only way to get through this quickly and move on with my life. “Do you want me to heat you something up?”

He grunted, narrowing his eyes at me like he knew I wasn’t being genuine. He must not have cared enough to push it as he nodded, turning back towards the recliner and stumbling back through the living room. “Make it quick, kid.”

I shook my head at him behind his back and marched back into the kitchen. We had some leftover meatloaf from the other night, that I had been required to make of course, so I threw some on a plate and warmed it up in the microwave. Since I knew he would complain if I didn’t include it, I added some ketchup to the side of the plate when it was done. I swear, if the alcohol didn’t kill him first it would be his inability to eat without smothering it in some kind of sauce or dressing. He waved his hand at me as I dropped the plate off on the end table next to him, barely acknowledging my existence.

Relatively painless as far as my interactions with my father went. I quickly made it back into the hallway and through the door to my bedroom, locking it behind me. Thankfully, my locking knob was one of the decisions Mom had made, one of the last decisions she had made, and because of that my father had never made a deal out of the fact that I could lock him out of my room.

The second I was safe behind my door I moved to my bed, reaching under it to pull out the duffel bag hiding there. I just couldn’t do it tonight. As much as that had been a semi-normal interaction for us, it didn’t change the fact that it was painful for me. It didn’t change the fact that my heart hurt to have him treat me like this. No amount of willpower was going to make that go away. And this month… I just couldn’t. I had to get out of there.

I began throwing some clothes and the things I would need to stay overnight in the bag as I pulled out my phone. I clicked on Lexa’s name and typed out a quick text message. _I’m coming over. Have to get out of here._ I didn’t wait for a reply before I finished packing the bag. The last thing I made sure to do was to shut the bedroom light off. Hopefully, Dad would think I had just gone to bed.

The pass through the bedroom window and onto the grass outside my window was an easy one I had made dozens of times before. My duffel got chucked in the backseat of the car and I closed my car doors as quietly as I could, making every attempt to keep him from noticing I was leaving. Maybe he would think that the car starting was the neighbors. The neighbors had teenage sons who liked to go out at all hours so it wasn’t that far of a stretch.

As I pulled away from the house, I glanced back and felt my shoulders sag. I couldn’t see his face but his silhouette was there in the living room window, looking out at me. There was no sense in being sneaky now. I turned on the headlights and pulled away. I would be in for it when I got home.

No, not home. That wasn’t the right word. Not anymore.

It hadn’t been home since Mom died.

I had been driving for all of five minutes when my phone rang. “You okay, Paige?” Lexa’s voice came through clear and concerned over the Bluetooth system. “Are you safe?”

What would I have done without her? I swear she kept me sane. “Yeah, I’m fine. It was an average conversation. ‘Why are you home so late?’ ‘How am I supposed to feed myself?’ As if he didn’t use to cook when Mom was alive.”

“Sorry, boo, I know May is a hard month for you.”

“Yeah…” I tried not to think about it. What used to be my favorite month as a kid had turned into just another thing to survive. “I should be there in about twenty. I’ve got my laptop with me. Do you want to look over some chapters for me?”

“Love to.” I could practically hear her grin through the phone. “How far did you get? Are you at Ten yet?”

We were referring to the story I had been working on. It was a fanfiction set in the “Doctor Who” universe, a show we were both big nerds for. Writing was one of the only things that could take my mind off everything that was wrong with my life. It let me pretend I was someone else for a little bit. “Not yet, though I have managed to write up the first few episodes of season one. I just finished inserting her into the episodes with the Slitheen.”

“Oh, I can’t wait to read them. You’re writing is always so good. What’s your character like again?”

I was opening my mouth to answer her when I noticed something strange. My car was slowing down. “You have got to be freaking kidding me.” The lights inside the car started to dim and I could hear a sputtering from the front end. Unbelievable, my car was stalling out. This night couldn’t have gotten more perfect. “Lexa? Can you hear me?” No response. I tried stepping on the brakes as the car began rolling through a stop sign but it didn’t seem to do anything. Weird. By now, all the lights had disappeared completely and it was coming to a standstill in the middle of an intersection. Grabbing my phone, it looked like it was still connected to her. It was probably trying to play her through the speaker. Why did nothing ever work for me the way it was supposed to? “Lexa?” I said as I turned off the Bluetooth option and put the phone to my ear.

“I’m here. Are you okay?” She sounded concerned.

“Yeah, my car stalled in the middle of the road.” I grabbed my keys in the ignition and turned. The only response it gave me was a disappointing click. Not that I’d expected much else after it had died like that. “Looks like it’s dead. Just my luck.”

“I’m coming to get you.”

Ah, my Lexa. Always there in a pinch. “No, stay home. I’m going to have to call the tow truck and deal with this first. No sense in you being out all night, too. Besides, I’m only a few blocks away. I can walk after the tow truck gets here. The fresh air will be nice.”

“You sure, Paige?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll holler if I need you.” She agreed, reluctantly, and we said goodbye. I could always count on her. She was the bright spot in my life and I was grateful for her every day.

Why did it seem like the world was always out to get me? Hadn’t I dealt with enough today, and now this? I shook my head as I pulled my keys out of the ignition. I should get out of the car. I was sitting in the intersection after all; it probably wasn’t a great idea to sit here with no lights on in the middle of the night.

As I turned to open the door, I smacked my right hand on the steering wheel. My phone slipped from my fingers, landing on the floor with a thud. It bumped against my foot and slid towards the nose of the car, stopping underneath the gas pedal. Figures.

I couldn’t get my foot around the gas pedal well enough to nudge it towards me so I had to slide my seat back to be able to bend over. I rolled my eyes just a little as I bent and twisted to reach my hand towards my phone. My fingers grazed the edge of my phone case. Just a little further…

Suddenly I could hear the sound of a car honking and tires squealing. I shot up, headlights filling my vision before everything went black.


	2. Waking Up a Stranger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that you enjoyed chapter 1! I apologize if you're getting impatient waiting for the Doctor to appear. He won't be here until chapter 5, but chapters 1 to 3 are on the shorter side. I will be trying to update quickly in order to get to the point with the Doctor. Enjoy!

Chapter 2: Waking Up a Stranger

_~“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.”~_

_Douglas Adams_

The first thing I was aware of was the marching band in my head, pounding away so forcefully that I could hear the throbbing in my ears. The last time my head had hurt this badly was the last time I had talked back to my father, about a year ago. He had slapped me, causing me to fall backward and slam my head on the kitchen table. I think my head hurt even worse this time. What had I done to piss him off now? I couldn’t remember.

Then I realized it wasn’t just my head that hurt. My entire body ached like every inch of it was covered in bruises. What the hell had happened?

I don’t know how long I laid there, eyes shut and too afraid to open them with my pounding head, racking my brain before it came to me. I had been in my car on my way to Lexa’s, like I’d done so many times before… My car had stalled… I remembered hearing a honking, seeing headlights, and then nothing… Had I been hit by the car? Is that why I hurt worse than ever before? Did that mean I was in the hospital?

Reluctantly, I slowly opened my eyes. The headache intensified as they adjusted to the light in the room and scrunched my nose in confusion. Where was I? I was lying on a bed, but it wasn’t my bed. This wasn’t my room. And it didn’t look like any hospital room I had ever seen. The walls were a royal purple color, pretty but not the same blue that was on my walls. The furniture, made from what looked like white ash wood, was also nice, a set I probably would have picked for myself if I’d had a choice in buying my furniture when I was younger, but still unfamiliar. I could see a slight view from the window across from my bed, and it gave me a heavy feeling of unease. I didn’t recognize the view, all the tall and pointed buildings outside the window. I was not in Hopewell, New York anymore. So where the hell was I?

“Evie? Hello, Earth to Evie.” A woman’s voice reached my ears and I turned my head, seeing an exasperated woman standing in the doorway to the room. She had strawberry blonde hair and brown eyes, and was certainly not someone I knew. From the look on her face, it seemed like she might have been standing there for a few minutes. I had been too zoned out to notice. “Evangeline? Are you alright?” She sounded like she had a British accent.

Was she talking to me? I looked around the strange room, expecting to see someone else who she could be calling Evangeline, but no one was there and she was looking right at me. “I’m sorry, what?” My tongue froze before I could say anymore or ask any questions. What in the everloving hell was that voice that just came out of my mouth? That was an accent. A British accent, just like the woman in front of me. I couldn’t do a British accent. I’d tried before and failed, miserably. This was impossible. “What the hell?”

The blonde standing in the doorway frowned, looking concerned. “Evangeline, is everything okay? Are you still feeling ill?”

Why was she calling me that? And why did that name sound familiar? Where had I heard it before?

I lifted my hand to scratch my head and paused while staring at my wrist. I had a tattoo there that definitely had not been there before. The words “Life goes on” written in brush-lettering, with a heartbeat line below it, were inked into the skin on my right wrist. Where the hell had that come from? I didn’t have any tattoos.

Wait. No, that couldn’t be possible. It was the opposite of possible, so beyond impossible. I knew that name. I knew this tattoo. But they weren’t real. _She_ wasn’t real.

I had wanted to write something, just to get back into the habit of writing. Lexa had suggested writing some “Doctor Who” fanfiction like we used to do together when we were younger. Sure, it had sounded like fun. But I didn’t like to write about the regular characters by themselves and had created an original character. Evangeline Craine. But this was _impossible_. Evangeline was fictional, made up, nonexistent. I had to be dreaming.

There was a mirror against the wall, attached to the vanity that was not mine. I pushed myself up from the bed, body groaning in protest, and stumbled my way over to the vanity, leaning on it as I stared into the mirror. I looked the same, mostly. Same ash brown hair, same heterochromatic green and grey eyes, same scar on my right palm, same slightly crooked front tooth. My hair was longer. I hated long hair. Mine had been above my shoulders, now it was down to my chest.

“Evangeline? What’s the matter?”

“Why do you keep calling me that?” I snapped, my head swiveling. I must have looked like a deer in the headlights. “My name is Paige. Paige Howell. Not Evangeline.”

I paused to really look at her now. I was starting to make the connection. Strawberry blonde hair in a bun, big brown eyes, glasses, lives with Evangeline… If I was right, this should be Regina. But that still didn’t make any sense! Evangeline couldn’t be real, and that meant neither could Regina. I quickly pinched my arm and winced. Nothing. That didn’t wake me up from this dream. What did that mean? I had been hit by a car… Could I be in some sort of coma? This wasn’t the first time I had dreamt about being in Doctor Who, but this was the first time it felt so realistic.

Regina, if this was truly her, took a step towards me. I took a step back. “Are you feeling okay, Dove?” I remembered using that nickname for Evangeline in my story. God, this was surreal. “Evie? Do you want your medication?”

“I told you to stop calling me that.” Medication? “No, I don’t want medication. I’m not some druggy. What the hell is going on?”

“You weren’t feeling well. You said you were going to lie down for a little bit.” She reached out a hand towards me. For a split second, I saw my father’s hands and I flinched, backing up again. She frowned, crossing her arms. “Are you having an episode? Should I call the doctor?”

The Doctor? Somehow I didn’t think that was who she meant… “An episode?” I was still speaking with a British accent and not because I was trying to. It was weird not to even recognize the voice coming out of my mouth.

“Paige is a part of your delusion, Evangeline. Do you remember? You haven’t had an episode in three years. I’m going to get your medication for you.”

Delusion? That was not a part of Evangeline I had created. Evangeline might look like me and have the same tattoos, same Regina, that I had written her with in my fanfiction, but I had never written her as crazy. If this was real, and it couldn’t be real, then Evangeline wasn’t the same as I knew her.

Why hadn’t I woken up yet?

I took a deep breath, feeling the panic starting to rise within me. “No, Regina!” I quickly blurted out, hoping that her name was still the same. She didn’t ask me why I had called her that, so that was a good start. Regina looked at me, waiting. “No, I don’t need the meds. I…” What could I say that would make her think I was normal? This was all weird enough, I didn’t need to add anti-psychotics to the mix. “I’m fine. Totally fine. I just… I had a weird dream and now my brain’s all mush.” Did I really just say mush? Ugh, I was so British. “But I’m good now. I just need a minute.”

Regina looked like she was going to argue for a moment. It was a little weird that I could tell that from the look on her face, though. Then she relaxed and smiled. “Alright, if you say so. I’m going to get you a drink. You’re looking a little pale. Must have been a rough one.” With a last glance, she turned and left the room.

Oh good, she was gone. Now I could panic. I felt my breaths start coming quicker and quicker. Why wouldn’t I wake up? I pinched myself again, harder this time. All I succeeded in doing was giving myself a red mark. I was still here. Okay. I was my fanfiction character. Did that mean I was in “Doctor Who”? That couldn’t be. Sure, I’d read fanfictions where that happened but there was no way in hell it could actually happen in real life. Though, I supposed, there were always parallel worlds…

I couldn’t breathe. What had the doctors told me when I’d had my first panic attack after Mom died? Right, count out of order. “One, four, two, seven…” I said quietly to myself in between gasps. My headache pounded more intensely with each gasp, making the room start to spin. “Six, nine, three…” As I slowly said the next few numbers, I could feel my breaths starting to come easier. I finished counting another handful of numbers out of order as I sunk onto the bed. I closed my eyes until I could breathe normally again. The headache lessened slightly and when I opened my eyes again the room had stopped spinning.

So I was in “Doctor Who.” Or I thought I was, anyway. That was, if this wasn’t all one big dream or a coma. How could that be? I created Evangeline for a story starting in season one, with the Ninth Doctor, but that season aired back in 2005. It was 2019 in my world. I paused, noting how weird it sounded that I just called it “my world.” What year did that make it right now?

I needed a phone, a newspaper, something to tell me the date. I began searching around the room, pulling open drawers and trying not to pay too much attention to what was in them if it couldn’t help me. That could come later. After a few moments, I found Evangeline’s cell phone on the floor. I must have knocked it off the bed when I got up. It was an ancient-looking phone compared to my Samsung Galaxy but it would do. According to the screen, it was May of 2006. That couldn’t be right, though. 2006 meant that, for starters, I had traveled back in time thirteen years. But it also meant that this didn’t line up with the fanfiction I’d been writing. My story had been in season one, and 2006 meant season two. What episode would that put me at? I had just been watching season two with Lexa recently…

Oh Lexa. Would she get suspicious when I didn’t show up at her house at some point overnight? Would she be the one to find my body, mangled in a car crash, when she went out to look for me? Would my father even care? I snorted at that. He’d probably care enough to realize he would have to make his own dinners now. He’d probably be happy I was finally gone. He had always said that he wished they had never adopted me, or that I had been the one to die instead of Mom. Maybe if I’d never been adopted, Mom would have never had to die.

I felt the familiar sting in my eyes and shook my head, scattering the thoughts. What part of season two would this be? If I remembered correctly from watching it with Lexa, the season ended in July with Torchwood and the “Doomsday” episode where Rose disappeared. If I was right, then Torchwood should still be standing. But where was it?

I turned around and climbed up on my knees on the bed. Now that I had a better idea of where I was, the view made much more sense. The architecture did look like London from the show. Of course, television was the only view of London I had. I had barely been out of New York, much less America. I remembered that the Torchwood building had a very distinct look. But, looking out through the window in Evangeline’s bedroom, I couldn’t see anything that reminded me of it. Was I not facing the right way, or was it gone already? I supposed there was one way to check. “Hey, Regina,” I called out, taking a second to get past the weirdness of hearing myself with an accent. “Did I miss the Ghost Shift while I was asleep?”

I heard Regina laugh from somewhere else inside of the… What did they call them in England, a flat? “No, Dove, unfortunately for you, you didn’t miss it. I know how much you hate them.”

At least Evangeline had some common sense, at least. The Ghost Shift being active meant that this was definitely “Doctor Who,” and that Torchwood was still around. That meant that “Doomsday” hadn’t happened yet. But if this was all real… Did that mean the Doctor was coming? Could I meet him?

I felt a wave of lightheadedness hit me and had to sit back down on the edge of Evangeline’s bed. Or was it my bed now?

I had died. Or, rather… Paige had died… But why would I be someone else now? It could be possible that this was a real parallel universe like I had seen on television and in movies, and that Evangeline was a real person in this parallel world. But how had I thought of Evangeline to write her, then? And if my mind, somehow, was going to jump to this parallel universe, why was I in Evangeline’s body? On top of that, there was already one difference between the Evangeline I had written and the one that was here, alive and real. What else could be different between the two? I wondered if I could access her memories somehow.

The moment the thought went through my head, memories began popping up. Evangeline’s memories, but also my memories of being Paige. Evangeline moving in with Regina three years ago, which I had planned. Or did I plan this at all? How is it that I am connected to Evangeline, that I knew anything of her to write about her? Memories of Evangeline in a car, driving away from a foster home. Evangeline in a hospital. Evangeline fighting with a nurse. Why was she in a hospital? Was Evangeline sick? Did I die just to get placed in the body of somebody who was also dying?

Looking at Evangeline’s memories further, I saw arguments with foster families and therapists. They claimed that Evangeline was crazy because she would talk about aliens… So, she knew about aliens? She seemed convinced in the memories of her that aliens were real and all around us. No one believed her, and her last foster family had put her in a mental hospital because of it. Even throughout her time at the hospital, she never stopped believing, just acted like it so people would stop believing she was insane. But how did she know about aliens? Regina had also said that she used to have delusions about being me, being Paige. I had written fanfiction about her, and she used to think she was me…

I felt another dizzy spell coming and put my head in my hands. I couldn’t believe I was even entertaining the idea that this could be real. No, I was definitely in a coma. I was definitely dreaming this. Wake up, Paige, wake up. I had to go back to reality.

But… I took a deep breath, picking my head up to look at the tattoo that was now on the inside of my right wrist. _Life goes on_. Did I truly want to go back to reality, _my _reality? My reality meant a father who visited the liquor store every other day, who blamed me for my mother’s death. Reality meant constantly struggling to survive and watching my back in my own house, the one place I was supposed to be able to feel safe. Reality meant misery. Would it be so bad if this, somehow, was my life? Would it be so bad if the Doctor was real? It was what every Whovian dreamed about, and I had the opportunity to make _that_ my reality.

“Evie?” Regina’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. She was standing at the door again, a glass of water in her hand. “You’re a little pale. Do you need to take another nap?”

I couldn’t remember the last time my father had brought me a glass of water, much less asked me how I was feeling. A large part of me, the Paige part, was waiting for the kind act to disappear, the same way it had all the times before with my father. It was the Evangeline part of me now that held my hand out for the glass. “I’ll be fine, Reg,” I said softly, using Evangeline’s nickname for her.

Regina sat down next to me on the bed as she handed me the glass. I downed the whole thing, feeling slightly better once I had finished. “Is everything alright? Are you sure it was just a weird dream?” She asked, lifting her arm. I tensed as she set it around my shoulders, giving me a squeeze.

I liked my personal space and I wasn’t a huge fan of others inside of it. But, glancing back through Evangeline’s memories, it seemed like Regina was a hugger and that this was a common occurrence for the two of them. Evangeline didn’t seem like she liked people in her space, either, but she would let Regina in. That meant that this was something I would have to get used to, if this didn’t turn out to be a coma after all. Regina would definitely find it weird if I suddenly started rebuking her hugs and pats on the cheek. “Yeah, Reg. I’m sorry if I’m acting weird. I’m just feeling a bit out of it.”

“If you want to talk, you know I’m here for you.” I nodded and she smiled, her eyes wrinkling in a way that was too familiar. “Do you want to watch a movie with me, or would you rather rest?”

When was the last time my father had offered to watch a movie with me? So long ago that I couldn’t even remember it. I would either go to sleep and wake up tomorrow in my normal life, or this would become my new normal. But would that be so bad? Would it be terrible if I was stuck here with Regina, with someone who actually cared? Someone I could look forward to coming home to? Would it be so bad if I had an actual chance to meet the Doctor? No, it really wouldn’t. “Only if there’s popcorn.”

Regina snorted a laugh. “Wow, Dove, you must really be feeling off. You hate popcorn.”

So Evangeline and I weren’t completely the same after all. I wondered what other differences there were in our tastes. I would have to figure it out as I went. “I’m trying something new.”


	3. Just When I Was Getting Used to Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who is curious, Evangeline's faceclaim is Marie Avgeropoulos (who plays Octavia on "The 100"). Everything about her is the same except that Evangeline has heterochromia, which is when you have two different eye colors. Her left eye is the same as her faceclaim, an olive green color, and her right is grey. She also has several tattoos, all of which will be described in the story at various points. One more chapter after this until the Doctor's appearance!

Chapter 3: Just When I Was Getting Used to Things

_~“The future is uncertain but the end is always near.”~_

_Jim Morrison_

It had been about a month since I first woke up as Evangeline, leaving my life as Paige behind. I still wondered, at least once a day, how Lexa was doing. I didn’t wonder how my father was doing, though part of me was curious if he missed me at all, if he cared that I was gone. I tried to pretend it was a small part.

I was slowly getting used to life this way, I had to admit. I didn’t completely mind it. After all, it was nice to have a parent figure who actually cared about their ward. It had taken some time to get used to that. I had gone from a parent who only cared whether his punching bag was home to make him food to a parent who checked in with me regularly and actually wanted to hear about my day and know where I was going. I still wasn’t a huge fan of the hugs, but I could live.

It had taken time to get used to be called Evangeline, or Evie as she had been known. I’d adopted the nickname. I could get used to living like this. Particularly if living like this meant there was a possibility of meeting the Doctor, of achieving every Whovian’s dream come true. Of course, there was still the small issue of figuring out how to meet the Doctor. Torchwood was still standing and “Doomsday” was still yet to come, but I had no clue how I was going to get into Torchwood to meet him. It was a constant thought in my mind. There was still roughly a month to go until then, though, assuming that my timing was correct. There was also the issue of the fact that I had no idea what the exact date was that the Cybermen would invade. That was going to pose a problem… But a problem for another day.

“He wants to take me to the new Italian place that opened up near June’s flat.” I nodded somewhat absently as Regina continued telling me about a date she had later with a man she met while running in the park. She had been talking about him for fifteen minutes now. I wasn’t convinced it would work out, though. From my memories of Evangeline, I remembered that Regina had a habit of being nitpicky when it came to men. In just this conversation alone, she had flip-flopped from positive traits to negative ones about this guy. She had already mentioned that he wore those really tight shorts while running, multiple times. It was nice that she wanted to share, but did she have to share so much? “Earth to Evie.” Suddenly she was waving a hand in my face. I must have been staring off again. “You okay? You’ve been spacing out a lot lately.”

I waved her hand away. As much as it was nice to have someone who cared and paid attention, it was a lot to get used to. And it was hard when I couldn’t share what was bothering me with her, knowing that she could tell that I wasn’t myself. Or, rather, that Evangeline wasn’t herself. “I’m fine. Stop asking me that.” I scrambled to find something else to talk about before she could press further. “You’re taking Lilith to the vet today still, right? I really don’t want to come home tonight and find that she’s used my bed as her loo again.” I mentally cringed at the use of the word. It was like this body, this mouth, was so used to saying certain things that most of the time I didn’t even mean to say words like “loo” or “lift” or “flat.” They just came out.

“Yeah, she has an appointment in about two hours.” Lilith was our cat, or Evangeline’s cat. Evangeline had named her. The cat wasn’t my biggest fan since I had woken up like this but I liked to think that she was slowly starting to come around. I could only imagine it was because the cat could tell I wasn’t the same person she had loved before. Animals had a sixth sense like that.

“You should probably get going then, Reg. You have to wrangle her into a cat carrier and I have to get back to work.” Before the body-snatching, Evangeline had worked at a little cafe, called the Whole Latte Love Cafe, before I had body-snatched her. As much as the name of the place made me want to barf, I had decided it would be best to continue working here to keep up appearances. It had been weird adjusting to the new job, though. I had worked at a front desk before and had never served a day in my life. The other staff members definitely wondered where my skill had gone and why Evangeline suddenly didn’t know where basic things, like the extra bags of coffee, were kept. Regina would come visit me on my breaks sometime. She worked in something related to finances from home, the main reason she was able to support taking in and adopting the teenaged Evangeline like she had.

Regina gave me a look like she knew I was avoiding the bigger conversation. I wrinkled my nose at her. “Don’t look at me like that, Reg. I said I’m fine. Just tired. I haven’t been sleeping well lately.” That part wasn’t a lie, at least. It was hard to sleep well when you didn’t know why you were inhabiting someone else’s body, or why that person looked exactly like you. “Schmuck’s also been on my case lately,” I quickly added, referencing the nickname Evangeline had created for her boss, Kevin. That part was also true. From her memories, I could tell Kevin had always been a bit of a jerky boss but had become a real hard-ass since I was terrible at this job. It wasn’t as if I could tell him exactly where all of Evangeline’s skills had gone.

“All right.” Regina smiled at me, reaching out to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. I stiffened but didn’t pull away like I might have done once. She stood from the table we were sitting at in front of the cafe. “Things will get better. If you need to see a doctor-”

“I don’t,” I cut her off there, standing up to stand beside her. Evangeline had a deep-seated hatred of doctors, the legitimate kind and not the time-traveling kind, ever since she was institutionalized. The Paige side of me didn’t have anything particular against doctors but I had been starting to pick up some of Evangeline’s traits. I had picked up her talent for playing the guitar, when before I could only play the piano, as well as her skill at knitting. And, just like her, I had developed a sense of anxiety whenever I thought of hospitals or doctors.

Regina gave me that exasperated look again. “Fine, fine, just putting the other out there. Don’t take my head off. Things will get better, Dove, give it time. I should get going, though. I want to get home before the Ghost Shift starts. All your warnings are starting to rub off on me, and it gets so crowded when the ghosts start appearing.”

“I’ll see you at home, then.” She gave me a quick hug goodbye, which was still weird to me. She gave me a backward glance as she left the cafe and began the walk back to our flat.

The rest of the shift went by normally. At least this time I only dropped one tray, not two or more. That was usually the norm for me. My boss, the Schmuck, didn’t get on my case, and I left work with a large latte. That wasn’t going to help my sleeping issues, but it sure did make me feel better. After my shift ended, I had changed back into my normal clothes. I refused to walk out in public in the obnoxiously pink shirt that was my uniform and I felt more comfortable in jeans than dress pants. It was bad enough that, after I had woken up here, I’d had to go shopping for a new wardrobe. Apparently, Evangeline had worn a lot of dresses. I wasn’t so fond of dresses. Not because I didn’t like the way they looked, but because I didn’t think they were practical. You constantly had to check to make sure they weren’t riding up and they weren’t very good protection.

After I had said goodbye to the staff, most of whom I got along well with, I began the trek home, sipping on my french vanilla latte. It was odd to me, this feeling of looking forward to going home. I didn’t have to dread it. At home, I had Regina waiting for me, not an alcoholic father. Now when I was home I could breathe easy and relax, but a part of me always tensed up out of habit when I heard the front door open or close.

As I walked, I glanced up at the Torchwood Tower, standing tall within the London skyline. I couldn’t even begin to process how I might get in there. And suppose I got the date wrong and broke in on a wrong day? Talk about embarrassing, and possibly life-ending. The only other alternative I could figure out was waiting until July started and hanging out around the tower during the Ghost Shift until the day that the Cybermen arrived. If I remembered the episode right, the trouble started almost immediately after the Ghost Shift began. Maybe in all the commotion, I could find a way to slip into the building and find the Doctor, show him how awesome I am, and convince him to take me with him to see the stars. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to say anything about my knowledge of the television show.

As I was thinking about all of this, I approached a crosswalk. I was about halfway from the flat, halfway to kicking my shoes off and relaxing. The light was red so I stopped, chugging down another gulp of my quickly-cooling latte.

The crosswalk light turned green finally. Before I could take even a step, however, I stopped. Out of nowhere, a large black SUV came speeding into the intersection and screeched to a halt, blocking one side of the intersection and the traffic coming from that direction. I felt the hair stand up on the back of my neck and took a step backward.

Three more of the same large black SUVs swerved in, tires squealing, and stopped, creating a semi-circle around the intersection. Something wasn’t right. I could feel it. If there was one thing I always trusted, it was my instincts. Right now, they were telling me to book it the hell out of there. I took another step back, then another, as men in black suits stepped out of the vehicles. If this wasn’t so ominous, I would have thought it was funny how similar they all looked to each other or I would have made a “Men in Black” movie joke.

The terrible feeling intensified when I slowly came to the realization that the men in black were walking in the same direction I was standing, towards me. Were they looking at me? No, that couldn’t be. They couldn’t be here for me. That didn’t make any sense. Who were they?

I felt a surge of panic and confusion at the same time as a blonde head stepped out of the car and turned in the same direction. I could say, without a doubt, that she was definitely looking at me. It was starting to make a little more sense, somewhat. I knew her.

Yvonne Hartman, head of Torchwood One, was looking right at me. I had seen “Army of Ghosts” and “Doomsday” often enough, and recently enough, that I recognized her instantly. But why? Why was Torchwood here? What did they want with me?

I spun on my heel, prepared to make a break for it, and gasped as I rammed right into the broad chest of a man in black. I tried to sidestep to get around him but he latched onto my arm, wrenching it backwards. I couldn’t help but cry out, swearing that I felt something pop. Ignoring my obvious pain, the guy turned me back around, standing me face to face with Yvonne. His grip on my arm was so tight I could almost feel the bruises already starting to form.

I was a little scared, I would admit. But I didn’t want to give her that satisfaction so, instead, I snarled at her. “Yvonne Hartman. What the hell could you possibly want with me?” The small look of surprise on her face when I said her name was satisfying, at the very least. She didn’t say anything. I probably should have stopped talking but my mouth tended to keep running when it shouldn’t. “Why are you here? Come to release the Cybermen early?”

Instead of answering my question, Yvonne very calmly said, “Evangeline Craine, you’re going to have to come with us.”

“Why?” I thrashed in my captor’s grip, wincing when he only tightened it further. What kind of strength did this gorilla of a man have? “Why me? I’m nothing. I’m not important.”

“Oh, I agree, Evangeline.” I stopped fighting, turning to look at the bystanders around us. They turned their eyes away, no one moving an inch. Thanks for nothing. I turned back to Yvonne, trying to give her my most intimidating glare. “You are nothing. You don’t exist. Why is that?”

What? I don’t exist? “What the hell nonsense are you spouting?”

Before I could ask her anything else, I felt something hit the back of my head and everything went black.


	4. The Existing Non-Existence

Chapter 4: The Existing Non-Existence

_~"Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat."~_

_F. Scott Fitzgerald_

Not for the first time recently, I awoke with a blinding headache. What had happened to me to cause this headache? And _why_ did this keep happening to me?

I slowly opened my eyes, letting them adjust to the light. As the blurry fog from waking up started to clear, everything came rushing back to me. I had been standing at an intersection, waiting to go home from work… and Torchwood had come out of nowhere. They had been looking for me. Why? Yvonne Hartman, head of Torchwood One, had been there. That part was so surreal to me. It was definite proof that I was in the Doctor's universe. But what had she been saying about existing?

Where was I? I blinked away the last of the sleepiness from my eyes and forced myself to sit up. The effort made my head spin. I sucked in a few deep breaths until the dizziness went away and took a look around. I was in a small room, probably no bigger than the size of a bedroom. The only furniture in here was the small, uncomfortable cot I was sitting on. The walls were a dull grey color with no windows, and there was a miniscule bathroom in the corner which looked like it only had a toilet. So, no showering then.

I had to assume I was at the Torchwood tower. That made the most sense, since it had been Torchwood who had kidnapped me. That still didn't make any sense though. Across from where I sat on the cot was a metal door with a knob with a hole for a key. Interesting. I was still wearing the same clothes, my jeans and a t-shirt, that I'd been wearing before I'd been kidnapped. I quickly felt my pockets, hoping they had been too dumb to take my phone, but I was out of luck. My phone and my wallet were both gone. The only thing left was the couple of bobby pins I had used to keep my hair out of my face at the cafe. I grinned.

Shortly after body-snatching Evangeline, I realized that I had taken on some of her skills. As Paige, I had been able to play the piano, a talent I had learned from my mother when I was ten. I had continued practicing in private after she had died. But, as Evangeline, I had retained my skills as Paige and also inherited Evangeline's abilities to play the guitar, something I had never been good at, as well as her ability to pick locks. That was something she had taught herself as a foster child who had been in some less than stellar foster homes and then in a mental ward. It had come in handy for her a few times when she had been locked in her rooms or when she'd had things locked away from her. Now it would come in handy for me.

I pulled two of the bobby pins out of my pocket as I stood up from the cot and started making my way to the door. I had no way of knowing what was on the other side of that door, but I had to try. I didn't know what Yvonne Hartman wanted me for but I was certain that it wasn't good. She had seemed awful in the episodes from season two and chances were that she was worse in real life. I knelt down in front of the door, prying open the two bobby pins and sliding them into the lock inside of the knob. It felt like an age had passed, maneuvering the bobby pins around inside the lock and listening for the tumblers to slide into place, before I heard a satisfying click. I stashed the bobby pins back into my pocket and stood, placing my hand on the knob and slowly twisting it.

There was no one standing immediately outside the doorway. No guards, which was good. Maybe they were underestimating me and I was fine with that. I peered around the frame on both sides, checking the hallway. I didn't see anyone still and I ventured out further, taking hesitant steps down the hallway. So far, so good.

I had barely made it around the first corner when I heard someone clear their throat behind me. "And where do we think we're going?" My stomach dropped; I knew that voice. It was the last voice I wanted to hear right now.

Turning around slowly, I found Yvonne watching me. Damn. Where had she come from? I had checked the hallway before I turned the corner and there had been no one there. Had she come out of a room along the wall? There was a smug smirk on her face that annoyed me. "Color me impressed, Evangeline Craine. You wouldn't have gotten very far, though."

"Yeah, well, I owed it to myself to try." I shrugged. It had been a long shot in the first place. "What am I doing here? What do you want with me?"

Yvonne stood there, making no moves to apprehend me. Did she think I wasn't going to try to run? "Here at Torchwood, we make it our business to identify and understand anything that we deem dangerous or beneficial to the British Empire. You, girl, fall into the dangerous category, which means we can't very well let you roam around freely."

"What do you mean dangerous?" I asked. "What have I ever done that could be considered dangerous to the country?"

She glanced at her watch as if she had something more important to be doing. How long had I been here for already? A few hours, a day, more? "According to our systems, you don't exist. Sure, we can see you, hear you, and touch you. You have an identity. But you don't exist. Our machines can't read you. And that makes you an anomaly, which makes you dangerous."

"What do you mean I-" I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up and, before I could move, I felt a hand on each of my arms, pinning them behind me. I tried to yank out of the hold, glancing back. It was the same man who had grabbed me on the streets before they had knocked me out. His grip was tight on my arms but that didn't stop me from trying to wrestle my way out. "You won't get away with this," I growled once I realized he was much too strong for me to fight my way out of his hold. "I have someone waiting for me and she'll be looking for me when I don't come home tonight."

"Do you mean Regina?" I froze as Yvonne said her name. How did they know about Regina? Did that mean Regina was in danger? "Don't look so shocked. We're Torchwood. We've taken the liberty of learning everything about you, Evangeline, so you can't lie or pretend. We know how you just suddenly appeared when you were eight on the street. We know that you were institutionalized by your foster family when you were ten because you kept spouting off about aliens. Curious how you learned about aliens, though. And we know that about a month ago you showed up, out of the blue, on our scanners as something that could not exist. Care to explain what changed a month ago?"

"I haven't the faintest idea and, even if I did, I wouldn't share it with you." I tried to pull out of the man's grip again and he tightened it, pulling my arms backwards. I yelped as I felt something wrong in my shoulder, remembering the pop I had felt when he had wrenched my arm on the street. I had definitely torn something there. "You leave Regina alone. She'll be looking for me. She'll go to the police."

Yvone just let out a laugh. "We have ways of making you disappear, girl. It will be easy to make everyone think you just ran away. You do, after all, have a history of that, don't you? Here at Torchwood, it's our job to protect the British Empire. When something doesn't make sense, that makes it dangerous. And, you, are dangerous. So get comfortable, you little nobody, because you're going to be here for a long time."

"Regina won't stop looking for me, no matter what you tell her." There was a different grip on my right arm suddenly and I looked up to see a second guard holding me. "You can't do this!" There was nothing I could do but struggle as the two guards started dragging me down the hallway.

What had I gotten myself into?

~X~

Well, I had gotten my wish. I had been trying to think of a way to get into Torchwood, and here I was now. It wasn't quite the way I had planned, but I was here nonetheless. Now it was just a matter of surviving until the Doctor came.

It had been about two weeks since Torchwood had kidnapped me off the street on my way home from work. At least, I thought it had been two weeks. I wasn't positive. I didn't get many opportunities to see outside so I had no real concept of the days passing and no real idea of how much time had passed. I was judging based off the routines they would take me through and the staff members I would see at different times. Like Mickey Smith. Just like in the show, he had become an employee and worked in the sphere room with Rajesh. We had never interacted but it always cheered me up slightly to see him. It was a reminder that the Doctor was real and that someday soon he would arrive and get me out of here.

Regardless of what day it was, it would be impossible to miss Doomsday now. There was no missing it, not while I was held hostage here. I snorted, lying on my cot in my room, if you could even call it a room. Missing Doomsday was the least of my problems now.

They had taken my shoes along with the rest of my clothes. I was stuck wearing ugly brown scrubs the color of crap and my bare feet were constantly cold. They hadn't given me much of a choice: either change into the scrubs on my own or they would strip me themselves. I wasn't a fan of option number two and had changed willingly. Who knew where my clothes had gone? Probably the same place as my phone and wallet.

Not for the first time, my thoughts went to Regina as I stared up at the dull, grey ceiling. I wondered if she had ever went on that date with the running guy, the one she said wore shorts that were too tight. I wondered if she was out there looking for me, if she had gotten the police involved, or if everyone had just chalked it up to being a foster kid who couldn't stay still for long. Would Regina think I had abandoned her? I didn't think she would, not after everything she and Evangeline had been through before I came. But I wasn't certain how long she would keep looking for before she decided I wasn't coming back and gave up. Or maybe she would never give up. It was funny to think I finally had a parent who cared about me and now I might never get to see them again. No, I couldn't think that way. I would get out of here. I would find the Doctor, get out of here, and go back to see Regina again.

Assuming I was still alive, that was. I truly had no idea if I would be, after all. What was the point of all this? According to Yvonne, who wasn't exactly forthcoming with the information, I didn't exist. That was perplexing since I clearly did. They could see me, hear me, touch me, yet I supposedly didn't exist. I never saw any of the data they were collecting so I had no proof of whether I did or did not exist, but I was here. How could I not exist? It made no sense. Did it have something to do with the fact that I didn't entirely belong in this universe? Or did it have something to do with the reason I was even here in the first place?

I probably wouldn't have been able to read the data even if they had showed it to me. All it meant to me was that they had an excuse to torment me. Ever since that first day here, when I had escaped my room and ran into Yvonne in the hallway, they had been running experiments and tests on me daily, or relatively daily. It was hard to know with no concept of time. At first it was just basic tests like the ones you might get at a doctor's office or a hospital. Bloodwork, x-rays, scans… It was a good thing I wasn't afraid of needles, though I was starting to develop a deep dislike for them. They ran those tests over and over so many times that I lost count. Those tests were fine, except for the sheer amount of blood they were sucking out of me, like vampires, had been enough to make me woozy for a few days. It wasn't like they were feeding me enough to replenish all that energy, either.

When they had decided that the data from that was enough, whether they got the results they wanted or not, they had moved on to slightly more invasive tests. Still, I could endure those. I was forced to drink different liquids, sometimes in different colors or thicknesses, before they would run their tests. I could only assume the liquids were designed to alter me somehow. Some liquids would make me nauseous or dizzy and I grew to resent those tests.

The worst part was the sheer amount of joy that some of my tormentors took from all of this. It wasn't everyone; one or two of the scientists at least looked unhappy when they were performing their tests. But my two guards… I wanted to ask Yvonne where she had found these crackpots because they took far too much pleasure in my misery. I called them Ed and Toupee. Ed was older and I had only learned his name because one of the scientists slipped up one day and mentioned it when they thought I wasn't listening. I had never learned the name of the other one, but I liked to make fun of his hair piece. It was obvious and I could tell it annoyed him to no end, so I called him Toupee. They were rough with me, always jerking me around and grasping my arms too tightly. My upper arms were covered in hand-shaped bruises by this point and were constantly sore.

Eventually I had started refusing to drink the liquids, tired of throwing up and gagging past the disgusting flavors. Did they stop? No, they just moved onto injecting me with them instead. I was constantly being prodded with needles to the point that I was covered in needle pricks. They weren't exactly careful, either, and a lot of the injections left air bubbles under my skin that lasted for days. The way they jammed the needles into my arms left bruises all up and down my forearms, too, to the point that I could have played connect the dots and made a picture out of all the marks. The injections left me feeling sick the majority of the time. I wasn't sure if it was because it was being sent right to my bloodstream or if they had changed the liquids.

One time I had broken out in hives from one of their injections so badly that my throat had closed. Unable to breath, I had passed out. I awoke sometime later in my room with some of the hives still there, still itchy. It must have been aspirin they had injected me with, some sort of liquid version, because that was thing only thing I could recall either Paige or Evangeline being allergic to. As I had passed out, I remember thinking that I hoped that would be the end for me. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take.

The only thing getting me through were thoughts of the Doctor. He would come. Eventually, he would get here. I just had to keep enduring until then. If my thinking was correct, it should be just another two weeks, give or take. He would save he, he had to. But another two weeks meant at least dozens of more tests and… I was so tired. They brought me out for more tests multiple times day, or so I thought. It seemed like every time I was finally able to close my eyes and block out all the images of needles and machines from my mind, every time I came close to falling asleep, they were waking me up for more. All the stress had caused me to pick up Evangeline's nail biting habit. I just wanted to sleep…

Like clockwork, the moment I cleared my mind and felt myself drifting off, there was a banging on the door to my room and it swung open. "Do you guys watch me and purposefully wait until I'm trying to sleep to come get me? Is this another test, to see how long I can survive sleep deprivation without going insane?" I found myself saying, opening my eyes to see Ed and Toupee standing in the doorway. I was still lying down. Partially because sitting up was energy I didn't have right now and partially because I refused to make their lives any easier than I had to. They didn't answer my question. Of course, they rarely did.

"Your toupee is looking particularly awful today, man. You should really see someone about that," I taunted as they walked over to me.

"Be quiet, brat," was the only response I got. If I couldn't escape, the least I could do was bother them. Toupee grabbed my right arm roughly, jerking me up roughly into a sitting position. I watched as he slapped a cold, metal cuff around my wrist and then did the same with my left. As was typical lately, Ed waited until I was secured before he would come too close.

They had started handcuffing me not long after they had started with the injections. It had been one of the days they used a syringe to inject me. Sometimes they hooked me up to an IV bag and sometimes they would use syringes. I suppose it depended on what they were injecting me with, but I had no real idea. They'd made a mistake by leaving a tray with a syringe next to the chair I was stuck in, probably assuming that I was too looped out from the injections to notice. Ed happened to be the next person to walk near me, getting ready to pin me down so they could shoot me up, and I'd managed to grab the syringe and sink it into his arm, pressing the plunger so that he was injected with whatever was in there. He had screamed like a sissy and promptly bashed me in the side of the head, making me see stars and almost knocking me out at the same time, but it had been worth it to hear him scream instead of me for once. Ed had been replaced by a different guard for a few days after that. The day he had come back, he came into my room and slapped me so hard that it had sent me to the floor. I could still feel the bruise on my cheek from it, although I had no mirrors to see it. Now they handcuffed me.

They each latched on, like the leeches they were, to one of my arms. As usual, their grips were too tight, making the sore, bruised muscles ache under their hands. "How's your arm doing, Eddy boy? Do you still have that bruise from where I stabbed you? Does it match mine? Oh, goody, we can twin!" He yanked me to the side, refusing to answer me. They lifted me off the cot and hauled me toward the door and out of the room.

I used to fight them. Every day I would kick and squirm in their holds, part of the reason for all the bruising on my upper arms. I could never break free but it made their lives a little more difficult and I was all about that. But ever since they had started the injections I just hadn't had the energy. The injections made me nauseous and, between them constantly bothering me and throwing up, I wasn't sleeping. It wasn't worth the energy it would take to fight them anymore. I knew I had to conserve my energy for when Doomsday arrived. I knew I would need it then or, worse, I would need my energy to try to hide and escape if Torchwood suddenly decided they no longer needed me.

They forced me down the same hallways as always, to the same door as always. This was the only way I could keep track of days here. Every day, every experiment, followed the same routine. First they would drag me to the room with the sphere, the Void Ship, and make me stand there for a period of time to see if the sphere would react to me, or I to it. It never did, and I never expected it to. She assumed that they brought her here every single time to see if the things they were injecting and torturing her with caused any change. It wasn't like I could tell them that it was really a ship full of Daleks. They wouldn't believe me and it would just raise more questions.

As they hauled me into the sphere room and stopped me in the middle, like usual, I raised my bound hands to wave briefly at Rajesh, the man in charge of the sphere. He watched us as we stood there in front of the sphere for several long, tedious minutes. God, I was so tired. I noticed it more when I was standing still, with nothing to occupy my mind. If they weren't holding me up, I'm not sure I would be standing at all. On top of everything else, my ankle was starting to ache. I was pretty sure I had twisted it one of the days that I had been fighting with them to let me go after I tried to plant my feet and I felt something pop in my ankle. Not that they cared. I had tried to complain about my ankle after it had happened, hoping they would leave me alone in my room for a few days, but they just barked at me to deal with it.

Rajesh approached, observing my reaction to the sphere. As usual, I had no reaction. He checked the different machines and instruments pointed at the sphere to see if the sphere reacted to me at all and, as usual, he was disappointed. He glanced at me, then between Ed and Toupee, and took his glasses off. "What you're doing to her is relatively unethical. Two weeks and there hasn't been a single reaction, from her or the sphere. I don't think there will be."

At least he was on my side. That didn't mean much, though, if he wasn't willing to do anything to help me out. At least I had been right about the two weeks part. I heard the door to the room open behind us but didn't pay it any attention. It was probably Mickey, or Samuel as he was going by. "Leave it alone, Rajesh," I sighed, tired and frustrated. "It's no use. They might as well be statues. They have no hearts. Hartman probably ripped it out as a requirement to get hired here. They have no sense of ethics or morals that would make them see the errors of their ways, no matter how much sense you make. Isn't that right, fellas?"

"Well, isn't that interesting?" Yvonne's voice filled the room and I froze. What did she want now? Why was she here? I listened to the click of her heels against the tiled floor, refusing to turn my head to acknowledge her presence. I felt my lip curl when she finally came into my line of vision, standing in front of me. The look on her face was one I might have given to a spider before I squashed it with my sneaker.

"You? Interesting? No, I think you're mistaken, Hartman." She wasn't as satisfying to taunt as Ed and Toupee. Her "holier-than-thou" attitude kept her from being bothered by my insults. "You're about as interesting as a rat."

She continued to stare at me, rather unnervingly. "Interesting that you know Rajesh's name. You see, I watch the camera every time you're in here to see how the sphere reacts. I gave everyone explicit instructions that you were not to know their personal information." She was acting like she had figured out my biggest secret. Didn't she have more important things to do, like destroying the world? "So how do you know it?"

"The same way I know that you're going to die, Hartman," I snarled, wishing I could have broken free of Ed and Toupee so I could strangle her. "Do you want to know? Oh, how you'll scream. I'm only sad that I won't be the one causing it, but I'll make damn sure I'm there to see it when you die so very, very soon. No amount of queen and country will save you then."

Yvonne just rolled her eyes. She was used to my death promises. I only hoped that when the Cybermen do finally kill her that she thinks back to every single time I mentioned it and realized that I had been right all along. Maybe if she wasn't such a monster I could have given her the information she would need to save herself. "There's no reaction to the sphere today. You're free to take her to testing. Today they are going to be isolating a piece of her for testing to see how it reacts independent of the body. This way they can also perform more extensive testing without doing unnecessary damage to the subject. Evangeline here will be no good if she's broken beyond repair." Her hand was on my face then, grabbing my chin and forcing me to stare her in the eyes. I didn't look away and didn't blink. She brought her face annoyingly close to mine as she spoke her next words. "I promise you, girl, that you're going to be with us for a long, long time, until we figure out what you are and why you don't exist. You could always tell us and save yourself the trouble."

My blood was boiling now, being made worse by her hand on my face. I gave her the nastiest look I could muster and spit. My spit landed on her nose, narrowly missing her eye, and I grinned. My grin only lasted for a second as she let go of my chin, pulling her hand back to slap me across the face. My neck twisted to the right, the impact causing my vision to go blurry for a moment. There was a metallic taste in my mouth; I must have bitten my cheek. When I finally refocused a moment later, she was angrily wiping the spit from her face. I collected the blood in my mouth and spit it at her shoes this time. "Careful, Hartman, you're starting to act like a human being."

I was thrilled to see the anger bubbling underneath her normally stoic demeanor. The fury was as plain as the nose on her face and then she masked it again, her smug smile returning. She ignored me, turning to my guards. "Make sure they don't give her any anesthetic before the procedure." Without looking at me again, Yvonne turned and walked away.

As I listened to the sound of her heels clicking away and out of the room, my rage retreated back to its normal hiding place deep inside of me. The reality of what she had just said began to settle on me. Isolate a part of me? What the hell did that mean? What did they consider a "part" of me? An arm? A leg? A finger? My feet started moving as Toupee and Ed turned me, dragging me towards the door out of the sphere room. My body began to shake, terrified, and I couldn't control it. "What the hell is she talking about? Answer me!" I screamed at them but received no response. The only thing left I could do was thrash, trying to rip free of their grasp on my arms. Toupee laughed, deep and cruel, and tightened his grip until I winced. But I refused to stop fighting.

As we neared the door, my efforts doing nothing to slow them down, the door opened and in walked a familiar face. Mickey Smith. He had been here almost every day, doing his part for Pete's world to stop the Cybermen. I had to chomp down to keep from calling out, as I had almost done several times since I had been here. He caught my eyes, giving me a sympathetic look. I almost screamed at him to do something, to help me. But he couldn't, and I didn't. The logical part of me knew that he would help me if he could. Helping me would mean blowing his cover and losing his ability to be here when the Cybermen invaded. But the irrational part of me was angry at the fact that he just stood by every time I was taken for experimentation. The one thing I couldn't do was say his name, as much as I might have wanted to. We had never spoken, and he was going by a different name here. There was definitely no reason I should have known his name and it would get back to the Doctor somehow, if I survived long enough to meet him, that I had knowledge I shouldn't have. So I forced back his name, but I couldn't stop myself from mouthing the words "Help me" at him. All I got back was a guilty look and a mouthed "I'm sorry" before I was hauled through the doors and out of sight.

I tried to plant my feet as they forced me down the Torchwood hallways, but my left ankle was weak and the effort sent a sharp jolt of pain through it. My next thought was to stick my feet in their way and try to trip them. Toupee caught on quickly and jerked me roughly to the side, making me gasp. They wouldn't get the satisfaction of hearing me cry out, that I was sure of. "Cut it out," Toupee growled. "Or I'll tell the doctors that Yvonne told us to have them take two pieces from you instead." The smile on his face was menacing, and I knew he meant it. My first instinct was to make some sort of smart remark, to threaten him, but I made myself stay silent. I made myself stop fighting. Things were bad enough as it was. I wasn't going to get free. There was no sense in making things worse for myself.

Before long, we turned the corner and my heart just about stopped when the door came into view. I knew that door; I dreaded that door. It was the door to the room they always took me to for testing. No matter what test or experiment they were performing, it was done here. I had been told the room was soundproofed and the heavy metal door seemed to reinforce that idea. No one would be able to hear me screaming, even if they were standing right outside the door. It made me wonder if everyone at Torchwood knew what they were doing to me here, or if they were trying to keep it quiet so most of their staff had no idea.

My body still shook, but I was determined not to show any other signs of the terror coursing through me. Ed knocked on the door three times and waited a moment for the door to open. The door was locked from the inside when they were using the room and could only be opened when it was locked from inside. I was curious if they had ever had to remove the door because someone locked it accidentally, or if it close if it was locked to prevent that. My guess was that they needed the lock to keep people from accidentally walking in when they were trying to maim someone, like me.

There was nothing I could do as Ed and Toupee dragged me inside. The room looked the same as always: giant black operating table in the center and cabinets and medical trays scattered around the outside of the room. I was turned around so I could be planted against the operating table, of which the separate parts had been rearranged to look more like a chair today. Depending on the test, sometimes it was flat like a regular operating table and other times it was maneuvered into different forms. The moment they sat me down, I was shoved so that my back pressed flat against the back of the chair and they quickly locked the attached black strap across the front of my shoulders and chest, tightening it until there was no chance of moving. Toupee and Ed each did the same with one of my legs, right above the ankles, and then moved to lock down my arms, straps placed over my wrists. My right arm was turned so that the underside of my forearm was exposed and the arm piece of the operating table was moved to the right so that my arm was perpendicular to my waist. The table had always had straps for my shoulders and legs, but the wrist restraints were a new addition since I had stabbed Ed with the syringe. They'd also started being more careful about leaving trays and instruments near me.

"Before you get starts, docs," Toupee said, flashing me an evil smile. He took way too much pleasure in watching me suffer. It wasn't like I had ever stabbed _him_. "The director instructed that the subject is not to receive any anesthetic or pain treatment afterwards. She wants to see how the subject recovers without the aid of pain suppressants."

I jolted against the restraints, cursing at him. "That is _not_ what she said, you mother-"

"Isn't it, though?" He tapped the bluetooth at his ear, still grinning. "She added it after you finished pissing her off. Maybe you'll learn not to act like such an ingrate now."

The doctors off to the side nodded grimly. To their credit, they didn't look happy about the orders. But would they do anything about it? They hadn't yet. "Some doctors you are," I barked. Of the three, one of them had the decency to look away from me in guilt. "Whatever happened to do no harm? I guess Torchwood has sucked all the humanity out of you, too." No one answered me as they went back to their work. Toupee and Ed took their usual spots against the wall, watching me with their gleeful cruelty.

I watched the doctors as they finished getting ready. Blue gloves went on hands that picked up either gauze or a scalpel. Seeing the glint of the scalpel in the light brought a sudden feeling of nausea to my stomach. Don't puke, don't puke. One of the doctors approached me, looking sheepish. "Today we're going to be cutting off a piece of skin from your forearm for independent testing." Yeah, thanks, I had gathered that already. At least it wasn't a limb, but that didn't make me feel any better. I pressed against my restraints again. Maybe today I'd be lucky. Maybe today I could finally break the straps. I kept trying as I watched the three doctors surround my extended right arm. Two of them held gauze pads while the one who stood in front of my arm, right next to me, held the scalpel. One of the gauze doctors rubbed some brownish liquid into my skin. I think I had seen it used on television medical dramas before to sterilize the area or something like that. With that done, I watched as the doctor next to me brought the scalpel to my arm.

All I could do was brace myself as the tip of the blade cut into my skin. There was nothing for a second, and I hoped beyond hope that I was going into shock and, somehow, wouldn't feel it. I won't scream. I _won't_ scream.

That lasted all of maybe five seconds before pain erupted like a volcano through my arm, through my whole being, as blood, bright crimson, began pouring out. I felt a scream rise in me and tried desperately to keep it in. My breathing came fast and hard. As the blade began to move, slicing through more skin, the scream ripped out of me, a sound I hadn't known I could make. It was more animal than human and my ears rang with the sound. Tears poured down my cheeks and dark spots began to crowd my vision. I could feel the skin ripping as the scalpel carved its path, could feel the pain like a white hot flame burning through me, beginning for any kind of relief. None came.

I had no idea how long it took for them to finish the job. I had no idea how long I screamed and screeched for before there was no more sound to come out. It felt like ages. Blood gushed from the wound, at least twice the size of a quarter, and every piece of gauze and bandage they packed onto it felt like adding coals to the fire that was burning me alive.

I had no idea when I stopped feeling the pain. I was only aware of the black spots that were finally blocking out my vision, blocking out the sound. The last thing I remembered hearing was a sob, hoarse and broken, before everything stopped.

Hold on… I remembered thinking as I faded. Hold on… until the Doctor comes…

~X~

I was going to die here, of that I was positive.

How long had I been here? How many days? How many days had it been since they had sliced into my arm? I had passed out from the pain or the shock, or both. I wasn't sure. I had no clue how long I had been unconscious for afterwards. It could have been hours or days. The only reason I knew it wasn't weeks was because Torchwood was still standing.

They had kept their word. The same way they had refused to numb me before the procedure, they refused to give me anything now to help with the pain. If their goal was to break me… they had succeeded.

They came off and on to check my wound and rebandage it. The pain had been so intense, even worse when they poked and prodded it to analyze it and clean it, that I was lucky if I could form any sort of words to curse them with. The pain blurred everything together. How many times had they come to check on me? The one thing I could remember, however, were the smiles on Toupee's and Ed's faces while they watched me suffer. They were pleased with my pain, with my lack of comebacks and threats. Ed probably thought this was karma for stabbing him.

The wound never ceased to throb or bleed it seemed. Who knows how much blood I had lost in this whole process? For what felt like forever, I couldn't move without the room spinning in circles violently around me. The two or three times I had tried to get up and make it to the bathroom I had gone no more than a step before the room was upside down and I was on the floor. In that time right after the procedure, I hadn't been able to make it to the bathroom at all. I had soiled myself once and thrown up on the floor and partially on myself more times than I would like to admit. I refused to give up that last bit of pride and admit to them that I had soiled myself. They noticed the vomit but waited until I'd begun to stink, a combination of urine and puke, before they finally gave me a change of clothes. I'd gone from wearing a hideous set of brown scrubs to an equally obnoxious pair of grey scrubs. It had been a struggle to change. Like before, when they had taken my original clothes, I had been given the option to change on my own, with the warning that if I hadn't changed by the time they came back they would do it for me. I didn't want to think about what would have happened if it had come to that… So, barely standing, I had managed to switch into the grey scrubs. I don't think I had imagined the disappointed look on Toupee's face when he came back to check and realized I'd done it on my own.

After what I assumed was a few days, based on what I knew about wounds and the healing process, my arm stopped bleeding, but the pain never lessened. If anything, it grew. It continued to throb and pulsate, distracting my mind from being able to think about anything else. How long had it been since I'd slept? The throbbing kept me up and the only sleep I could get was when my body was too exhausted to keep going. Even then, Toupee and Ed would come back, preventing me from sleeping for very long.

Once the wound had stopped bleeding, I was being hauled out of my cell again. Back to the sphere, back to the torture chamber. Whatever results they had gotten from the piece of my arm, I was thankful that they didn't need to take more. I would have rather killed myself than let them do that to me again. What they did to me was almost as painful. They were still injecting me with various liquids but, instead of using an IV in my arm, they were injecting them straight into the wound itself, needle and all.

I was tired of hurting and fighting. I was just… tired. A frighteningly large part of me wished that instead of stabbing Ed with the syringe that day that I had stabbed myself with it instead. Every part of my body ached constantly. What was it like to feel normal, to not hurt and be afraid all the time? I'd had more panic attacks than I could count. What was it like to close my eyes and not see needles and blood, to not hear my screams over and over?

How many days had it been? How many days until the Doctor would come? What if… What if this world didn't follow the show? What if the Doctor was never going to come? Without knowing how many days I had even been in Torchwood, I had no way of knowing, if the Doctor was still coming, how much longer I would have to suffer before he got here.

I could feel tears starting to well up. Outside of the day they sliced into my arm, I had been able to hold back the tears. In front of others, at least. In my cell, I'd cried more times than I cared to count. I wasn't sure I'd be able to hold them back much longer.

The turn of a key in the door sent my heart thudding in my chest. Taking in a steadying breath and pushing back the tears once more, I forced myself to sit up. My arm screamed at the pressure of pushing myself up and I did my best to mask the pain I was in. The door swung open and Toupee marched in, Ed following behind. Eddy boy still didn't like to be alone with me, though I'm not sure what he was afraid I would do in my state. Bleed on him? "Are you here to finally kill me?" I muttered. I was disappointed in myself to realize part of me was hoping they would say yes.

They didn't answer and I didn't say anything else. As usual, Toupee yanked my arms out, creating a painful jolt in the wound, and Ed slapped the cuffs around my wrists. As they were cuffing me, I caught a glimpse of a holster under Toupee's jacket. There was a gun in. A quick glance at Ed told me he had one as well. There was a slim chance I would succeed if I went for either one and I put that thought out of my head as soon as it entered. They had never needed holsters and guns before. What the hell was going on? What they need guns for?

Though I tensed as they grabbed my bruised upper arms, I knew fighting was futile as they manhandled me out of my cell. Any strength I once had was gone now and it wasn't like it had done me any good. As they began leading me down the hall, I asked, "What are we doing today, boys?" I tried to keep my tone light so they wouldn't think I had noticed anything. They didn't answer. The image of the guns in my head was creating worst-case scenarios in my mind. Did they get what they needed from her and were going to kill her now? Are they going to cut into her again or, worse, open her up? Would they do it without anesthesia again? I knew for a fact I wouldn't be able to endure that again. I was starting to panic and I didn't care if it showed. "What are you going to do to me?" No answer. "Answer me, damn it! You might be dumb and ugly but I know you're not deaf. _Answer me_!"

No, I wasn't going to go down like this. I was a fighter. Both Paige and Evangeline were fighters. If I was going to die, it was going to be with a scream, not a whisper.

I started to thrash against them, my whole body protesting the effort. It wasn't long before I felt a ripping sensation in my arm and the pain increased. Had I just tore the skin that was starting to heal there?

"Stop moving!" Toupee barked at me as they both tightened their grips on my arms to the point I cried out. It felt like they were trying to break my bones with their hands.

Ahead of us, I saw the door to the room with the sphere. Once they knew that the sphere wasn't going to react, they would take me to do god knows what. I was afraid. I would never say it out loud to them, but I was terrified. Who knew what other horrifying acts they would think of to do to me?

I tried to plant my feet, trying the last thing I could think of, as useless as it might have been. Like every other time, my weak ankle refused to stick and my bare feet slip against the cold, tiled floor, causing me to trip more than help me. An idea came to mind in that instant, and I used the momentum that tripping gave me momentarily to throw my body sideways into Ed, the wimpier of the two. He stumbled, not expecting the sudden attack, and his hand slipped off my arm. The force of both Ed and me falling sideways pulled my other arm out of Toupee's grip. This was my only chance. Ignoring the tenderness in my ankle, I started to make a run for it.

Before I could even make it a step, a hand wrapped around my ankle and I went down, hard. I managed to turn my head before I hit the floor, cracking the side of my head against the tile instead of my nose. The impact reverberated through the right side of my body, my right arm crushed underneath me, and I screamed. The pain of my body landing on my forearm was blinding and I couldn't see for a moment. If the wound wasn't bleeding before, it definitely was now. Even though I could barely see, could barely focus, I pushed myself up onto my left arm, scrambling to get my legs underneath me. I had to keep going.

When Toupee's hand latched onto my upper arm, harder than ever, I knew it was too late. I barely had enough time to look up at him before his fist connected with my jaw. My vision swam and my body went limp in his grasp. "What the hell, man? You can't keep your wits about you long enough to get taken out by this pipsqueak bitch?" I heard him bark at Ed. To me, he snarled, "Try something like that again and I'll break your jaw next time." I believed him, though I wasn't sure he hadn't broken my jaw this time.

He lifted me to my feet, which barely functioned underneath me as he dragged me the remaining few feet to the door. There was a sound of a keycard against the scanner and then I was being tossed through the doorway. I lost my feet before I even had them, landing on my right side again and letting out a strangled sound.

Over the ringing in my ears, I could hear the sound of heels clicking across the tile. "Officer Stone," a voice said, giving off a nervous laugh. "Now really isn't a good time for your visit to the sphere. I thought I had passed along a message that your visit was going to have to wait until later this afternoon."

I knew that voice, I realized as my head began to clear. Suddenly, I was seeing red.

"My apologies, Director." Director? Toupee didn't usually call her that in person. He always referred to her as Yvonne. His footsteps thudded over to me, wrapping his hand around my arm once more. I steadied myself as he hoisted me to my feet, refusing to acknowledge the pain from the sudden movement.

This was my chance, my opening. My eyes landed on Yvonne's face, who was looking at Toupee, or Officer Stone as I knew now, with severe impatience. I felt him readjust his grip now that I was standing up.

The moment he loosened his grip, I lunged. With my cuffed hands, I ripped his gun from his holster and aimed it directly at Yvonne's head.

"Hello, Hartman."


	5. Safe at Last?

Chapter 5: Safe at Last?

_~"If you are going through hell, keep going."~_

_Winston Churchill_

"Hello, Hartman." Rage flooded my body, forcing out the exhaustion I had been feeling just seconds ago. The gun in my cuffed hands is leveled at Yvonne's head. I was close enough to her and my aim was good enough, normally anyway, that I could blow her brains right out of her if I wanted to. And, boy, did I want to. "I should kill you, Yvonne. I have every right to kill you after the way you've been maiming me." My voice was low, cold. "Why, Yvonne? I just want to know _why_."

Toupee moved next to me and I prepared to turn the gun on him next. I had no idea how many bullets were actually in this thing but I assumed it was fully loaded, given that it belonged to a trained guard. They were _not_ going to mutilate me anymore. It was either me or Yvonne. Someone was dying today.

Yvonne put a hand up and Toupee stopped before I could switch targets. Her green eyes flicked up from the gun to my face and back, but she didn't look overly concerned. "It's fine, Officer Stone," she almost seemed to sigh. I tightened my grip on the gun. Why didn't she take me seriously? "A child is just acting like the child that she is, throwing a temper tantrum because she thinks she's being treated unfairly. She should go back to her room and get some rest." Toupee started to protest and Yvonne waved her hand dismissively. "She won't shoot."

I stepped forward, hissing. The gun was mere inches away from splattering Yvonne's brains all over the floor. "Call it what it really is, Yvonne, a jail cell. I am _not_ going back there. Somebody here is going to die before that happens. Give me one good reason why it shouldn't be you."

A hand appeared on top of the gun and I whirled, following the arm to its owner and aiming the gun at them. I almost dropped it when I saw the face staring back at me. Had it truly been that long since Torchwood had kidnapped me?

The Doctor's brown eyes met mine. It was him. He was actually here. In my stunned silence, his eyes trailed up and down the length of my body before shooting over to Yvonne and back. "Put the gun down."

His voice was a shock to my system, waking me out of the reverie of seeing him. "No," I heard myself say, before turning the gun back on Yvonne. She sighed, annoyed. "I'll kill you. I will." With my arms out in front of me like this, I could see the bandage on my arm was starting to turn red. The wound was starting to bleed through. My arms were starting to shake with the effort of holding the gun up.

The Doctor's voice reached my ears again, taking on a commanding tone. "Put the gun down, before you do something you'll regret."

God, I wanted to. It was so heavy, and I was running out of energy. Keeping the gun aimed at Yvonne, I turned my head to look at him. His eyes were focused on my arm, on the blood-soaked bandage, and he turned to meet mine, waiting. "Don't you think I would…" My voice cracked pathetically and I swallowed. "If I could? I… I don't want to shoot anyone."

"Like I said, a child is just throwing a temper tantrum."

"_Shut up_, Yvonne!" I screamed at her, taking another step in her direction. "You have no idea what I'm capable of. I'll kill you before I let you take me again, before I let you cut into me again."

The Doctor's hand was on the barrel of the gun again, but I still refused to lower it. Seeing my resistance, he slowly moved to place himself in front of the gun, between me and Yvonne, his face unreadable. Did he think I was some kind of murderer, like I wanted this? "I'll ask you one more time to please put the gun down. I can't talk to you unless you do."

I shook my head, feeling tears starting to form. My arms were visibly trembling now and I knew he could tell. "I can't," I told him through gritted teeth. "It's all I have. If I put the gun down… They're going to take me again. I can't let them take me again."

"Ah." The stern look on his face softened to one of understanding. "I won't let that happen. Whatever they've been doing to you, it stops now. I promise."

His voice was gentle and I wanted to believe him. I knew I should believe him. But nothing about this world has been the way I expected it to be. What if he was the same way? What if he wasn't the same as he was on the show? "Who are you, and why should I believe you? Aren't you here with her?"

He shook his head, his hand still on top of the gun and the gun still pointed at his chest. My arms were shaking so much I don't think I could have landed a clean shot if I had wanted to. Still I wouldn't put it down. If he couldn't protect me, I would. "I'm the Doctor, and I'm here to stop her, not help her." His eyes never left mine. "I know you have no reason to believe me. I don't blame you after what I believe you've been through. But when I make a promise, nothing can stop me from following through on that promise. Nothing, you hear me? But I need you to put the gun down so I can help you. Can you do that?"

He gently pushed down on the gun. I let my arms fall under the pressure, following his hand down until the gun was pointed at the floor. It slipped from my hands as I let out a strangled breath that was more a sob than anything else and sunk to my knees on the floor. Toupee took a step and Yvonne shook her head quickly. They couldn't do anything, not in the presence of the Doctor, I realized. As long as he was in the room, I might be… safe? Was it possible? I pulled my cuffed hands into my chest, struggling to catch my breath.

The Doctor gestured his hand at someone and I followed with my eyes, spotting a familiar blonde head. Jackie Tyler. "Rose, look after her." Right, she would be going by Rose still. The real Rose would be on the TARDIS still. The Doctor watched me for a moment longer before the look on his face went cold and he turned on Yvonne, who was doing her best to look nonchalant. "Explain yourself, Miss Hartman. Is this what Torchwood is, a tool for traumatizing people until they're so terrified that they try to kill you? What gives you the right to treat people like this?"

By the time he finished ordering her to explain, Jackie had made it to my side and kneeled down next to me. My whole body was shaking by this point. "You poor thing. Don't worry, the Doctor is going to help. He might not look like much, all skin and bones that one, but he does keep his promises."

Yvonne rolled her eyes, sending my blood boiling again. Even when faced with the Doctor, she still kept up the condescending act. "Oh, I should have expected this. The high and mighty Doctor, how quick he is to pass judgment. The reports mentioned this." Her gaze returned to me, her nose crinkling in disgust at the idea of me. "You, Doctor, have no idea who that girl is and why she's here. Maybe you should think twice before condemning Torchwood."

"I may not know exactly what your reasons are or what you've been putting this girl through, but I know torture when I see it, Miss Hartman. I have been all over the universe and I have seen all sorts of tortured creatures." The Doctor's voice was dangerously quiet now. Even Yvonne had the decency to look nervous this time. "Nothing, absolutely nothing, this girl could have done would warrant this kind of treatment. So, go ahead, Miss Hartman. Tell me what this girl could be so guilty of."

She straightened, confident once more. "She doesn't exist, Doctor." I caught his eyes again, just for a second. Part of me feared he would accept her explanation, let her go for it. I no longer trusted the things that I thought would happen in this world. "Just like the sphere, she's here but she gives off no readings. No temperature, no mass, no radiation, no energy, nothing. By all accounts, she shouldn't be here. But she is, and that makes her an anomaly. Anomalies are dangerous." Yvonne crossed her arms, waiting for a response, for his understanding, but one never came. He stared at her, furious and silent. "You don't agree." It wasn't a question. Anyone with eyes could have seen he didn't agree.

"No," he said, his volume growing in anger. "I don't. I'm still waiting to hear a reason, any sort of reason, that justifies the way you've treated her. Because being a scientific anomaly _is not one_." He finished off at almost a yell, causing Yvonne to take a step backward. Now she was nervous. The tone in his voice was enough to make me tremble. Through the pain, I found joy in the fact that Yvonne Hartman was finally getting what she deserved. The Doctor gestured to the shackles binding my wrists. "Give me the keys to her handcuffs."

Trying her best to look like she wasn't intimidated, Yvonne scoffed. "What authority do you have to free her, Doctor? She is Torchwood property and you can't just expect us to hand her over."

"Miss Hartman, how much do you know about me?"

Proud, she answered, "Why, everything, of course. Torchwood has spent hundreds of years gathering information on you."

The Doctor took a step toward her until his face was only inches away. "If that's true, you should know what I'm capable of. I am calm right now, so very calm, because this girl has been through enough. But I am beginning to run out of patience. If you truly know everything about me, as you claim, then you should know exactly what I am capable of when I get angry. If you refer to another human being as property again in my presence I am going to get angry."

Yvonne went silent, for once, watching the Doctor. It was almost as if she was debating how true the stories she'd heard were. Was it worth it, going to war with the Doctor over me? Suddenly, she cleared her throat, snapping her fingers in the direction of where Toupee was still standing behind me. "Officer Stone, give the Doctor the keys to her handcuffs."

"Director-"

"Officer Stone," she hissed sharply. It was obvious she wasn't pleased. "If the Doctor wants the child who doesn't exist, he can have her. She's too broken to be of much more use anyway. Besides, she was starting to get on my nerves. Good riddance."

Toupee's boots marched past me. I flinched, curling inward, the moment his boots came into sight. Though my head was down, I watched him. He wouldn't take me again. Without warning, there was a pressure on my back, a hand. "Get away from me!" I shrieked, jerking back. My hands flew up instinctively as protection and I gasped at the pain that the sudden movements brought.

"I'm sorry," it was Jackie's voice. I looked at her through my fingers, at the sadness on her face and the hands held up in front of her. "I didn't realize…"

It was just Jackie, trying to comfort me. "I'm…" I tried to get out. I paused to focus on taking in a deep breath and slow my racing heart. "I'm sorry… I thought it was…"

"You thought it was one of them again." That was the Doctor's voice. He was standing in front of me. I nodded as he kneeled down, close to me but not touching. "It's okay. I'm not going to let them hurt you anymore. Do you believe me?" As much as I wanted to… I shook my head. He didn't look upset by it, just thoughtful. He opened his hand, showing me the key inside of it. "Can I see your handcuffs?" Hesitantly, I held my hands out to him, the cuffs clinking with the movement. Turning his focus to them, he placed the key inside each one, unlocking them and letting them fall to the floor. The skin underneath them was tender and red. I started to rub at them, then scratched at the bloody bandage. "Are you able to stand?"

I wasn't sure, but I didn't want to admit that. I nodded instead. "I think so." My body ached in protest as I used my left arm, my good one, to push off the floor, straightening my stiff legs underneath me. He didn't stand until I was up. I never took my eyes off of him, not entirely sure that I could trust this was real. Had I really been here that long already? How much time had I lost in my delirious state? I'd thought there was still time to go. The relief I felt that I was wrong was overwhelming.

His brown eyes slowly looked me up and down for the second time, taking everything in. When he reached for my arms, I flinched back, pulling them into myself protectively. "I'm sorry," he said, darkness passing over his face. He stopped reaching and instead flipped his hands over, palms up. "If it's okay with you, can I take a look at you, at what they've done to you?"

I hesitated, looking from his palms to his face. He didn't sound like he wanted to hurt me, but… "Everything hurts. I don't… I don't want to hurt anymore." What if he caused me more pain, even if he didn't mean to?

His voice when he spoke again was soft, soothing. I wanted to listen to it, to believe it. "I promise that I won't cause you any more pain. I just want to see, please." There was a sincerity behind his eyes that had me carefully placing my arms in his outstretched palms, cringing slightly at the touch.

This was silly. I was being ridiculous. This was the Doctor. I had watched him for years. I shouldn't afraid of him, I knew him. But… I had never thought this world would turn out like this, or that I would somehow not exist. I was… afraid. Afraid that the Doctor was going to be the same way: not what I expected.

The Doctor's hands were soft and gentle as he slowly began to run them over my hands and arms, stopping at every bruise or cut as if he was taking a tally of them. He started with my left arm, turning it over in his hand so he could see everything. My left arm wasn't as bad as my right but it was still riddled with needle holes nonetheless. When he made it to my upper arm, where the handprint and finger-shaped bruises lay, he paused, his eyes darting to where Toupee stood not far from us. I felt Toupee's presence there but I couldn't bear to look at him. Was Ed still there in back somewhere? I hadn't heard anyone leave.

When he was done with the left arm, he did the same to the right. He saved the bandaged area for last. When he was finished examining all of the bruises and marks on this arm, he placed his hands lightly on the bandage. "Can I take a look?" Relieved that he'd asked first, I nodded. As carefully as he could, he found the edge of the bandage wrap and began to pull it, unwinding the length of the material. The air stung as the wound was revealed. The hole in my arm looked almost as bad as it had the first few times someone had come to change the dressing on it. It was bleeding, as I'd feared, from the fall and the skin around it was puffy and a mixture of red and purple, inflamed and bruised. Even just the few seconds before he began to wrap it back up were enough for the blood to start dripping down the sides of my forearm. The look on his face was stone, his eyes dark. Had I ever seen him this angry on the show?

The Doctor slowly lowered my arms back down to my sides before letting his eyes scan the rest of me, looking for any other signs of injury. They stopped on my face, focusing on my left cheek. I tensed as he brought his hands up, one turning my head toward my left shoulder and the other passing over the tender, swollen area at my jaw. Was it already starting to bruise there, as well? "When did this happen?" His voice shook with the effort of remaining calm.

The pads of his fingers were softer than I could have imagined. Still, I winced as he pressed a little too hard on a tender spot. "A moment ago… Outside the door."

"Who?" His hands left my face, lingering on the mark there.

Without taking my eyes off of the Doctor, the only thing that made me feel even remotely secure right now, I raised my left hand to point at the officer standing only a few feet away. "Toupee," I told the Doctor, then corrected myself. "Sorry, Officer Stone… He hit me after I managed to get out of their hold."

"Is a handcuffed, injured girl that threatening to you that you had to punch her?" The Doctor's voice was raised now, turning his fury to the officer. "Get out. You, and the other one. Get out of my sight, before I let Rose shoot both of you."

"Don't think I wouldn't," Jackie chimed in from the other side of me. "You all should be ashamed." I smiled in spite of myself at the fierce mothering tone in Jackie's voice.

Yvonne's heels clicked and I spotted her passing by in my peripheral, moving myself a nudge closer to the Doctor. He would protect me; I just had to keep believing that. "It's alright, officers. Do as he says." Toupee and Ed didn't say anything, but two sets of boots could be heard marching to the door and past.

I loosed a breath I hadn't known I was holding when I could no longer hear their footsteps. I risked a glance over at Yvonne, standing where Toupee had once been, but the Doctor put a hand up to block my vision. "Don't look at her. Focus on me." I turned my eyes back. "Are you going to be okay?"

I laughed, though it sounded more like a sob. My voice came out angrier than I intended when I responded. "How can you ask me that? Am I going to be okay? Do you have any idea what they've done to me, of the pain I've been through? Do you have any idea what _she's_ done to me?"

"No, I don't know for sure." The Doctor cast another glance at my arms, the bloody bandage, and then at Yvonne. "I could hazard a few guesses."

The anger inside of me was beginning to bubble over again as I looked over at Yvonne, ignoring the Doctor's previous order. "They kidnapped me off the street and have held me hostage here for at least the last month. I'm not sure how long it's actually been since I lost track of time after they cut into my arm with no anesthetic. After _she_ ordered them to cut into my arm with no anesthetic." Behind me, Jackie gasped. Yvonne couldn't have looked like she cared any less, making herself busy checking one of the machines pointed at the sphere. I all but screamed at her. "Why? Who gave you the right to treat somebody like this?"

Yvonne just sighed. "Are we still going on about this? As Torchwood, it is our civic duty to protect the people of the British Empire from dangers like you. Something that doesn't exist has no rights."

The Doctor's hand shot out, grabbing me around the waist as I charged, ready to rip her throat out. My mind revolted at the unwelcomed touch but all that mattered right now was murdering her. "I should have shot you, Hartman. Blown your brains right across the floor." I tried to push the Doctor's hand off me, get away from his contact. My mind was conflicted: did I care more that someone's hands were on me, unwanted, or more about giving Yvonne what she deserved? I succeeded in escaping his grasp but, before I could take more than a step towards Yvonne, his other arm was there, preventing me from getting any closer. "Don't touch me! Let go!" Nausea was starting to build as my mind flashed through images of Toupee's hand around my arm, Ed's hand on my face as he slapped me…

The Doctor ignored my screamed request and wrapped both arms around my waist, pulling me back into his chest. "I'm sorry. I know you're angry, but I can't let you go until you calm down."

"Get off me, get off me, _get off me_!" I was shrieking, clawing at his jacket. Anything to get the hands off me, anything to get these images out of my head. Anything to get my hands around Yvonne's throat. "She deserves to die. For all the times I wanted to kill myself, she should get to feel that. I wanted to _die_, and she doesn't even care! Get your hands off me!"

The Doctor stilled, though he didn't remove his hands. "If I let you go, you have to promise you won't do anything to her." No! She deserved to die. Why couldn't he give me this? "I don't know what your name is, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for what you have been through, but I promise you that she will not get away with it." He was leaning over now, talking into my ear. His arms were still wrapped tightly around me, pinning me to him. "You need to calm down. I can't let you go until you do."

The words in my ear were like an arrow piercing through the fog inside my mind and I slowly stopped fighting. Tears slipped down my cheeks in frustration and pain. "What kind of monster are you that you don't even care?" I asked, my voice small. Convinced now that I wasn't going to maul Yvonne, the Doctor's hands retreated from my waist and he stepped around the side of me so I could see him. "All the pain you put me through, and you feel nothing." I was still directing my words at Yvonne, who _still_ looked at me like a bug on the floor. "I hate Toupee and Ed for all the joy they took out of hurting me, but you were the one to order every single experiment and procedure I've been forced to endure every single day here. I can't count the number of times I wished one of them would kill me, just so I wouldn't have to feel it anymore." The Doctor looked grim at that, remembering what I had said a moment ago. "You're a robot and a monster, Yvonne Hartman. And you're going to get yours, sooner than you think. Karma is a bitch, and I'm going to make sure that I'm there when you beg for your life."

"You make the same death threats every time you see me and they're starting to get old," Yvonne waved her hand dismissively, her voice cold. "Why should I feel anything for a child having a temper tantrum? A child who doesn't exist? You don't deserve to be treated like a human being because you aren't one."

The Doctor had to put a hand out to stop Jackie now from charging at her. "Oi, one more word from you and I'll give you the beatin' that she can't."

"I might just let her," the Doctor added, stepping in front of me to block my view of my tormentor. "I haven't asked what your name is yet."

I hurriedly wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand. "Evangeline. Evangeline Craine, but I go by Evie."

"Evangeline Craine," the Doctor repeated, giving me a bit of a smile. Without taking his eyes off of me, he called back over his shoulder to Yvonne. "Miss Hartman, I am placing Miss Evangeline Craine under my care and protection. If any more harm comes to her at the hands of Torchwood or if you or any of your staff so much as lays even a finger on her, I am going to take it very personally."

"Do you mean that?" Was the experimentation finally over? Could I finally breathe? This whole endeavor had wiped me out and I was beginning to shiver in my grey scrubs, as my body was so exhausted it had given up on keeping me warm.

"I promise you that you are safe now, Evangeline Craine."

There was a part of me that enjoyed the way my name rolled off his tongue, and a part of me that hated hearing the full name in general. "Evie. Call me Evie. Doctor?" He nodded, waiting for me to continue. I realized, now that I wasn't focused on escaping, how tall he was compared to me. I only came up to the middle of his chest. This was definitely not how I had pictured meeting him when I'd woken up as Evangeline two months ago. Focus, Evie. "Were they… Was Yvonne…"

"You want to know if you exist?"

I nodded. "How can I… How can I not exist? I'm right here."

"I don't know, Evie." At least he was honest. "It's not as if I've seen any of the results from… Well, the results they've gathered." I noticed, gratefully, that he avoided saying the word tests or experiments. He paused to reach into his jacket pocket, withdrawing something long and slender. My Whovian eyes went wide at the Sonic Screwdriver. He held it out, showing me. "This is my Sonic Screwdriver. It doesn't hurt and it doesn't wound. But it can do a lot of other things, like open doors or read things. Would it be alright, Evie, if I scanned you with it?"

At the word scan, my heart skipped a beat. "No, no scans. No more." I knew that the Sonic Screwdriver was harmless but I couldn't control my body's reaction to the idea of more testing.

"It's harmless, see?" The Doctor said, reassuringly. He quickly pointed it at Jackie, pressing the button and waving it over her. "Says she's not very good at making tea." Jackie smacked him in the arm for that one, shooting me an exasperated look. "See? Noninvasive. It won't hurt. You won't even feel it. I am not Torchwood, Evie. I would never hurt you. You can trust me."

A weak, cynical laugh escaped my lips. "No offense, Doctor, but trust has always been a sort of foreign concept to me, especially now. But… I believe you."

"Fair point. Do me a favor and stand still for a sec." He pointed the Sonic Screwdriver at me this time, at the top of my head. There was a soft buzzing sound as he activated it and began scanning all the way down to the bottom of my bare feet. "They even took your shoes? The clothes aren't bad enough?" He shook his head, bothered, as he stood back up and looked at what the readings said.

"Bad news, then?" I asked, reading his frown.

He tucked the screwdriver back into the inside of his jacket, looking apologetic. "It does seem to agree with what Miss Hartman was saying. It didn't read any signs of life, no temperature or mass, from you. But I can see you and hear you. I can clearly feel you. Therefore, you have to exist."

I felt a familiar tightening sensation in my throat, one that I was tired of feeling. It was as familiar to me now as the throbbing in my arm that wouldn't go away, even now. "So, Yvonne was right after all."

"No, Evie." His voice was firm, causing me to meet his eyes. "There is nothing right about the way that she has treated you. Just because you may be impossible does _not_ mean that you aren't important or that you deserved any of this. Do you understand that?"

What hope did I have if even the Doctor couldn't figure out what was wrong with me? "In any case, thank you, Doctor-"

"Are we done with the domestics yet?" Yvonne interrupted, clicking her way over to us. The Doctor turned to meet her, keeping his arm out in front of me in protection. I found myself stepping back, further away from Yvonne. Despite his attempts to reassure me that I was safe now, I was still wary. "We have more important things to worry about. We have radars and scanners all over, constantly detecting and alerting us to when something is wrong. When our radars picked her up two months ago out of nowhere right after the sphere had appeared, we automatically assumed the two were connected."

Thoughtful, the Doctor listened to her. Why wasn't he telling her she was wrong? Was he having second thoughts about me now? "Evie, how old are you?"

I was taken back by the question, but answered truthfully. "Eighteen." That was something else that had bothered me when I had woken up as Evangeline. Not only did Evangeline look the same as me, but we were the same age and had the same birthdays. She must have been this world's version of me, just the same as Mickey had found Rickey in Pete's world, but it still didn't explain why my mind had traveled all the way over here to merge with hers.

"If Evie has been on this planet for eighteen years," the Doctor queried to no one in particular. "Then why did your radars only pick her up two months ago?" He directed his next question to me. "Evie, did anything strange happen two months ago?"

Yes, of course it did. I died and woke up in a completely different universe where my favorite television show is real in the body of my doppelganger. I couldn't say that, of course. My plan was to never tell the Doctor about that part. "No," I lied. "Not really. I remember that I felt kind of funny and was sick for a few days around that time, though." That wasn't so much a lie. Regina had said Evangeline was sick right before we merged.

Yvonne couldn't believe what he was saying. "You're telling me that she has absolutely nothing to do with the sphere, then? Isn't it an awfully big coincidence that the sphere showed up at the same exact time that this child suddenly stopped existing?"

"I'm eighteen, Hartman," I grumbled, tired of her condescending attitude towards me. I was still a person, even if I didn't exist. Not existing didn't change the fact that I could still feel pain. "I'm not a child. Call me a child again and I really will shoot you." Honestly, though, it was hard enough to stay upright at the moment, let alone pick up the gun off the floor.

"No, you won't," the Doctor scolded, turning to shoot me a look. "Yes, it is a coincidence. A very large one at that. But that," he gestured to the giant sphere floating in the room. "Is a Void Ship and Evie is just a girl. The coincidence isn't big enough to warrant what you've done to her."

"I would like to go on record here that I disagreed with the experiments they were performing on her." A familiar voice reached my ears and I looked back to find Rajesh walking over to join us. I'd forgotten about him in all of the commotion. Smart Rajesh, hanging back out of the mess.

"That's true," I vouched for him as he came to stand next to Yvonne. "He might not have done anything to stop them from mutilating me, but he did a great job of telling them what big idiots they were." It came out more bitter than I'd planned. Words only counted for so much, and he didn't have a good reason for not being able to help me like Mickey did.

Rajesh looked sheepish under the Doctor's scrutiny, but continued. "You called it a Void Ship, Doctor. That means someone had to build it. What for? Why go there?"

The Doctor turned his gaze to the sphere at the far end of the room, leaving the space in front of me to walk towards it a few feet. He was in awe of the impossible Void Ship. "To explore? To escape? You could sit inside that thing and eternity would pass you by. The Big Bang, end of the universe, start of the next, wouldn't even touch the sides. You'd exist outside the whole of creation."

"You see, we were right." Yvonne grinned at Rajesh. She always had to be right, didn't she? "There is something inside of it."

"Oh, yes."

Rajesh's face lit up like a little boy on Christmas at the news. "So how do we get in there?"

"We don't!" And just as quickly, Rajesh's face fell like a little boy who was given coal instead of presents. "We send that thing back into Hell. How did it get here in the first place?"

"That's how it all started, Doctor," I told him as Yvonne opened her mouth to speak. Yvonne's glare at me could have killed. "I've been here long enough and been to this damn room enough times to know all about it by now. The sphere came through first, and then the creepy ghosts."

"Show me," was the Doctor's demand. He walked back up to me, watching me closely. "Can you walk?"

"Probably. I'm a little lightheaded, from the immense pain or the bloodloss, I can't tell." What I didn't tell him was that the whole room started spinning a few minutes ago. "I should be able to walk."

Even through the spinning, I could tell he wasn't convinced. Jackie stepped up, holding an arm out to me. "You can lean on me, if you'd like. Let me be of some use."

I stared at Jackie's outstretched arm for a second, debating. The thought of someone's hands on me made my heart race and reminded me of all the time spent being pushed around by Ed and Toupee. But if I reached out first, it didn't seem as bad. I was pretty sure Jackie would never have done anything to hurt me. "I think I can do that." I held my left arm out, my body still shaking with the effort, and Jackie stepped under it, placing one hand on top of my arm and the other one around my back. The effort and the stretching hurt, but transferring some of my body weight to someone else made some of the aching in my body stop. "Thank you, Rose. I'll be fine." I nodded to the Doctor.

"Off we go then!" He stuffed his hands in his pockets and turned, guiding us out of the room. Outside the door, I made Jackie wait as the Doctor took off to the left. Yvonne called from behind us that he was going the wrong way and, with a grin at us, he whirled around and bounded off to the right.

I tried to keep my face blank as Jackie helped me along. My whole body felt like I had been hit by a car, again, but I didn't want to distract the Doctor. He remained close to us throughout the hallways, checking over his shoulder on us, on me, every so often as he talked with Yvonne. He'd let her take the lead since he clearly had no idea where he was going here. I was fine with that. The further away she was the better. I tuned out their conversation, needing to focus my attention on staying upright as the room continued to swirl about in my eyes. At one point I tripped over my own bare feet, my right arm grabbing for the only thing within reach, the back of the Doctor's jacket, before I could fall. He waited until I had regained my balance, letting go of his jacket, before he continued following Yvonne. I was glad for his presence. I didn't trust Yvonne's cronies here not to snatch me up while he wasn't looking, and his presence helped calm my nerves slightly. I knew I wouldn't feel safe until Torchwood was miles behind me, but knowing he was here, that I was under his protection, helped.

The trek felt long, but in reality was only a few minutes through the hallways to the elevators. I'd passed by these elevators enough times to know that the only reason it felt like it was taking forever to get there was because I was exhausted. The wait for the elevator door to actually open was worse, just standing there with nothing to occupy my mind.

Once in the elevator, I let go of Jackie to lean back against the wall in the corner, gripping the railing tightly. I hated elevators, always had. Both Paige and Evangeline hated them. Now that I was two people, it was as if the dislike was heightened. With this many people, it felt crowded. I closed my eyes, but it didn't help. Behind my eyelids, even the darkness spun.

"Evie?" It was the Doctor again, his voice a reminder that I wasn't alone here. Would I ever get used to the fact that he was here and real? "Are you feeling alright? Besides the obvious, I mean."

"Sure, Doctor, totally fine." I couldn't help the sarcasm lacing my voice. "I just feel like all of my limbs are going to fall off my body and a little bit like I want to puke. And I hate elevators. But, all things considered, I'm doing better than I was earlier when I thought they were taking me to kill me."

"You have my deepest apologies, Evie." The elevator dinged then. Yvonne was the first person off, obvious from the click of her heels down the hall.

I finally opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the Doctor's thoughtful, curious face. Jackie reached out a hand to me and I shook my head. "It's okay, Rose. I think I have it." Jackie looked unconvinced but left the elevator, waiting for me right outside. I used the wall of the elevator to brace myself and lead me out of the elevator. The Doctor waited until I was safely out before following after me. As the elevator doors closed, he started to follow the path Yvonne had taken toward the Lever Room, as they liked to call it. "Doctor?"

He stopped walking and turned. "Yes, Evie?"

I noticed he never looked like I was bothering him. Throughout that whole mess downstairs and even now, he patiently waited through all of it. Even when he had to hold me back from murdering Yvonne, there had been no annoyance or frustration at my behavior. "Why did you apologize?"

As my question settled on him, a look of guilt washed over his long face. What could be he guilty of? As far as I knew, he hadn't been aware of what Torchwood was doing here until now. "I apologized, Evie, because I should have been here sooner. I consider protecting Earth my responsibility, and I didn't notice what was happening here until now, when it's too late. If I had been here earlier, I would have seen the ghosts and realized Torchwood was behind them sooner. Maybe then I could have saved you all of this pain and you would be back home already." He ran a hand through his hair, avoiding my eyes with his brow furrowed.

Part of me wished he hadn't said that. Rationally, I knew it wasn't his fault. Yvonne was the one to blame, the one who had ordered all of this. He wasn't responsible for other people's actions. But… The irrational part of me, the one that was cranky and in so much pain all of the time, wanted to ask why he hadn't come back sooner and how he didn't realize something was wrong here. But was that really his fault? No, and I couldn't blame him for it. "It's not your fault, Doctor." He picked his head back up, seemingly surprised by my reaction. "You didn't make Yvonne kidnap me or torture me. You didn't hold the scalpel to my arm or refuse to give me any painkillers. Just… All I want is for you to promise me that she doesn't get to do this again, to me or anyone else."

"Evangeline Craine," he said with an impressed grin. "I promise you that no one at Torchwood will ever get the opportunity to hurt someone like this again."

"Then we're good. Right as rain." His grin was infectious and I found myself smiling back at him as I started walking down the short hallway. My vision still wasn't back to normal but I didn't want him or Jackie to think I was an invalid so I forced myself to push past the nausea brought on by the movement.

"Are you sure you don't need help?" Jackie asked, taking my side as the Doctor walked in front of us. "You look as pale as the dead."

"Rose," it was getting hard to remember to keep calling her Rose and not Jackie. "For the past month, the only time I've been allowed to leave the jail cell of a room they kept me locked up in was when I was being experimented on, and always with those officers dragging me around. I don't remember the last time I walked on my own. Let me enjoy my freedom, even if it kills me."

The hallway to the Lever Room was short and we were there, greeted by the ever-impatient Yvonne, as soon as we turned the corner. "I thought you wanted to see where the sphere came through, Doctor. Is that not true anymore? Or are you too busy playing with your new pet to care?"

"In a moment, Miss Hartman." There was a soldier standing guard at the entrance to the room and the Doctor stopped to speak with him. "Hello there, I'm the Doctor. Would you be so kind as to get some clean bandages for Miss Evie here?"

The soldier looked taken aback and glanced at Yvonne for confirmation. She groaned at the newest delay. "Yes, yes, fine, go get the Doctor his bandages. Can we finally move on with our lives now?"

"Yes, ma'am, sir." With that, the soldier was gone, walking past us toward the elevators.

Jackie watched the soldier leave and then looked at me with a frown. "You're sweating, but your hands are freezing. Not a good sign. I'm sorry, Evie." Before I could ask what she was sorry about, she was holding up her hand where I could see it and then pressing the back of it to my forehead. Being the mother that she was, I should have expected that. Before my body could tense up at the touch, her hand was gone. "You're burning up, sweetheart. Must be at least 38 degrees." 38 degrees? Wouldn't I be dead? Oh. It took me a good second to remember that they used Celsius in Europe, not Farenheit like I was used to.

I wasn't surprised that I was running a fever. "I'm pretty sure my arm is infected, so that probably explains that." For whatever reason, the thought of Jackie putting her hands on me wasn't as panic-inducing as others. Maybe because I had already given her permission, or maybe because she reminded me so much of my own mother and Regina. I still wanted to tense up under her touch but that hadn't been as bad as the panic before when she had put her hand on my back without my knowing.

"I think you're right, Evie. Why don't you find her a chair?" The Doctor suggested to Jackie, his eyes focused on what I assumed was the sweat she had pointed out on my forehead. I noticed he didn't say her name much and wondered if it was because he wasn't sure if he would remember to call her Rose. "Get her off her feet before she collapses. It should help the fever. When whatever his name was gets back you can change her bandage. If that's okay with you, Evie." He gestured to the chair in Yvonne's office behind us before he turned to join Yvonne in the center of the room. I eyed the chair, conflicted. Being in her office was really the last place I wanted to be, but the idea of sitting down was so wonderful right now that I could deal with it.

Jackie offered me her arm once more and I took it, looping my good arm through hers for support. Together, we made our way into Yvonne's office and I all but fell back into the chair at her desk. Jackie pulled over a second chair, sitting across from me. "Thank you again, Rose. You've been a lifesaver."

"You don't have to thank me, you know. I have a daughter, reminds me a bit of you, actually. Taking care of people is what I'm good at." Jackie looked around the room until her eyes landed on something on Yvonne's desk. "Here we go, tissues. These will do in a pinch. Are you alright if I clean your arm a smidge before he comes back with the bandages?"

I reminded her of Rose? I found that hard to believe. Rose was strong and brave. She never would have let Torchwood do this to her. "Just… go easy." I held my right arm out to Jackie and leaned back, closing my eyes. My stomach was still rolling a bit and I wasn't sure I could look at the infected mess of my arm without barfing.

The air was cold on the skin beneath the bandage and the wound stung once it was out in the open. There was a sound of plastic shifting, probably throwing the dirty bandage away, before Jackie made a thoroughly disgruntled noise. "That looks nasty."

"Feels as nasty as it looks, I promise."

I sucked in a painful breath as Jackie began pressing a tissue to different areas of the wound. "Sorry, Evie, just want to clean some of the blood away. You just try to relax."

I gritted my teeth against the pain and waited for it to end. A few minutes later, my eyes flew open at the sound of boots. Had Yvonne called Toupee to take me again?

The soldier from before was standing in the doorway of the office, holding clean rolls of gauze and bandage wrap in his hand. Jackie thanked him and took the supplies, setting them on top of Yvonne's desk. "Is there anything else I can get you?"

I was almost surprised that he asked, and then I caught him staring at the bloody mess of the wound with pity. A surge of annoyance flared within me at it. He works for Yvonne, they all do. I recognized him. He was one of the soldiers that followed her around a lot. He had seen me at least a handful of times since I had been here. Like the others, he had done nothing to help me. But knowing what Yvonne was capable of… Would I have gone against her if I was in his shoes? I'd like to think I would, but I truly had no way of knowing. "We're fine. Please, just go." I watched him as he left. He must have had other responsibilities because he left the Lever Room altogether.

"Was he one of the ones who…" Jackie asked without really asking, having watched my face as I spoke to the soldier.

"No, not him." I cringed again as Jackie continued dabbing at my arm with another tissue. "It's hard to look at most of the people here and not see them as the same people who did nothing every time I was tortured. In the beginning… I would ask the people I saw in the hallways to help me. I would beg them to do something. But of course they wouldn't. They're all too afraid of _her_." I wrinkled my nose at the blonde standing back by the large white wall with the Doctor. "I'm sure some of them, like Rajesh downstairs, don't agree with what they've been doing to me. But, just like Rajesh, they all did nothing to stop it. Words are just words if you don't put any action behind them." This made me think of the Doctor, the one man who did put action behind his words, and I looked up at him again. I found him looking at us, at me, with a pair of 3D glasses on. I'd always loved those glasses.

I vaguely remembered reading something online about how Time Lords had great hearing. Could he hear our conversation?

"That should do it for now, I think." Jackie still didn't look too happy at the way my arm was healing, or not healing as was more accurate. The tissues gone, she grabbed the roll of gauze off the desk and began winding a portion of it around my arm. Though it didn't hurt as much as when they'd first bandaged it up, the contact with the wound was still painfully irritating. "Can I ask… what did they do to you?"

With her question, the memory of the surgery sprung to mind, sending a shiver down my spine. I could still hear my screams, sounding like I'd been possessed by some sort of demon, when I was able to find time to sleep. Thinking about it caused me to look to Yvonne, noticing that she and the Doctor were making their way back here. Without taking my eyes off of the Torchwood director, I began to fill Jackie in, knowing that the Doctor could likely hear every piece of the horror. "They claimed that they wanted to take a piece of me to test on its own, separate from my body. They have this operating table they would strap me into and the scientists, they…" The glint of the scalpel, the metallic tang of my blood filling the air, passed through my mind. "Took a scalpel and sliced into my arm, cutting out the piece of skin that's missing. Yvonne didn't like the fact that I had spit in her face and ordered that they couldn't give me any anesthetic or pain killers. Do you know how much a blade running through your skin without anesthetic hurts? I do. And if that wasn't terrible enough, they kept poking and prodding the wound, sticking needles into it and injecting it with this and that."

Jackie looked a little green as she finished wrapping the bandage around my arm, placing the supplies off to the side. Yvonne and the Doctor had joined us in the office by now. Though the Doctor didn't comment on it, the dark look in his eyes as he stood in the glass doorway made it clear that he had heard every word. Yvonne refused to comment, as usual, but she did give me a very pointed look, standing next to her desk. If I was still her prisoner, I wouldn't have put it past her to kill me.

Now that she was done, Jackie glanced out the window behind me, realizing something. "Hold on a minute. We're in Canary Wharf." She stood to go look out at the cit. "Must be. This building, it's Canary Wharf."

"Well, that is the public name for it. But to those in the know, it's Torchwood." Of course Yvonne would have a smug response for that.

Ignoring all that, the Doctor brought Yvonne's attention back to the breach. "So you find the breach, probe it, the sphere comes through six hundred feet above London, bam." He was looking at her as if he couldn't believe someone had been this stupid in the first place. "It leaves a hole in the fabric of reality. And that hole, you think, oh, shall we leave it alone? Shall we back off? Shall we play it safe? Nah, you think let's make it bigger!"

"It's a massive source of energy. If we can harness that power, we need never depend on the Middle East again. Britain will become truly independent." Yvonne said that like she actually believed it. She sure did put on one hell of a good Samaritan show. "Look, you can see for yourself. Next Ghost Shift's in two minutes." She pushed past the Doctor to walk out of her office and back into the Lever Room.

"Cancel it," the Doctor demanded, following her out. Jackie trailed after, but I remained in my seat. I could hear them from here. It wasn't worth expending the energy if I didn't need to yet.

"I don't think so!"

"I'm warning you, cancel it."

Yvonne spun on her heels. She didn't enjoy being wrong about things and it showed on her face. "Oh, exactly as the legends would have it. The Doctor, lording it over us. Assuming alien authority over the Rights of Man."

"Let me show you." The Doctor rolled his eyes at me, making me smile, as he sauntered back into the office. He looked at one of the glass panes separating Yvonne's office from the rest of the room, then at me in my chair. "Be careful, Evie." He leaned down, grabbing my chair and pushing me back a few inches. "You're not wearing any shoes." Ah, yes, my shoes. I hadn't worn shoes since I'd been at Torchwood. How nice of someone to notice.

He focused again on the glass pane, taking his Sonic Screwdriver out and pointing it at the pane. "Sphere comes through." He pressed, aiming it at one of the O's in Torchwood and the glass cracked, splintering out. "But when it made the hole, it cracked the world around it. The entire surface of this dimension splintered. And that's how the ghosts got through. That's how they got everywhere." The glass continued to crack, stretching to the edges. "They're bleeding through the fault lines. Walking from their world, across the Void, and into yours, with the human race hoping and wishing and helping them along. But too many ghosts, and…" He tapped the glass, and the whole pane came crashing down to the floor.

I had to admit I felt a little smug as that glass came shattering down. "See, Hartman? I told you so."

The Doctor's head snapped to the side, eyebrows raising at me. "What do you mean, you told her so? How could you have known this?"

My mouth went dry with the intensity of his stare as I realized my mistake. I had to be more careful about the things I said. It was one thing to make veiled promises to Yvonne, but the Doctor was too clever to look past that type of thing. When Yvonne had first kidnapped me in the street, I remember making a remark about the Cybermen to her. What if she brought it back up? The Doctor couldn't know I had more knowledge than I should. How would he react to finding out I knew all about him, about his life and his future, from watching him on television? I didn't know, but I didn't think it would be good.

"Well," I said as I finished putting together a quick thought that he hopefully wouldn't find strange. "I didn't know about all that. But I always thought the Ghost Shifts were a bad idea. The Ghosts always gave me a weird feeling, like they didn't belong. I tried to warn her to stop the Ghost Shifts before something happens that she doesn't know how to deal with." It must have sounded reasonable because the Doctor nodded. I _had_ to be more careful. "We never got them in our flat, but I wouldn't let Regina leave if the Ghost Shift was going on."

"Who's Regina?" Jackie asked from her place in the doorway. She got to wear shoes so the glass didn't bother her like it did me.

The thought of Regina had me looking at Yvonne again. What had they told the police to tell her? "Regina is my…" My what? Person I hardly knew because I didn't belong in this universe but felt inexplicably attached to? "Everything, really. She adopted me three years ago, saving me from an extra three years in foster care. Though I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm dead now, thanks to Torchwood."

Yvonne shook her head, clearly tired of me making her out to be the villain that she is. "I did this Regina a favor. Who knows how dangerous you are? Who's to say that whatever is causing you to read as not existing wouldn't have wound up killing Regina later on. She's better off without you, and you know it."

I would have gotten up to throttle her if there hadn't been glass all over the place. I think the Doctor realized that as well because he took a step closer to me. "I hope your death is as painful as the hell you put me through this last month, and I'll make sure I'm there to see it."

"Evangeline," the Doctor's voice scolded. Was this how it would be, using my full name any time he was displeased? "Wishing death on someone is never the answer. I know that she's hurt you and that she deserves to pay for that, but she doesn't deserve to die for it."

I was pretty certain that she did deserve to die for it. "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree then, Doctor." That earned a frown and a raise of the eyebrow from him.

Yvonne glanced at her watch, realizing how much time had passed in distraction. "Well, in that case, Doctor, we'll just have to be more careful. Positions! Ghost Shift is in one minute."

He looked like he wanted to say more to me but the issue of Yvonne was more pressing. "Miss Hartman," he called, following her out of the office. "I am asking you, please don't do it."

"We have done this a thousand times," she argued, not fully comprehending the Doctor's warning.

"Then stop at a thousand!"

I was starting to get a bad feeling now. This was what I'd been waiting for, the Doctor to come and save me. He had promised to protect me from Yvonne, but what if he couldn't protect me from the Cybermen, the Daleks? What if they were just too much to protect another person from? "Don't be an idiot, Hartman, listen to reason. I've been telling you for a month that these shifts are a bad idea. Now you have your so-called expert telling you the same thing, and you still won't listen. If you think so highly of the Doctor, you should listen to him."

"I don't take advice from children," Yvonne remarked without even glancing at me.

"Fine," I sighed, fed up with being called a child. I was a full grown adult. "It's your funeral. I'll be there with balloons."

"You're both being ridiculous. We're in control of the ghosts. The levers can open the breach, but equally they can close it."

Knowing he wouldn't be able to convince her otherwise, the Doctor shrugged. "Okay." He turned, wandering back into the office and pulling up the chair Jackie had just been sitting in. He plopped down next to me, giving me a wink.

"What, is that it?" Yvonne said, mouth agape. She had clearly been expecting more of a fight from him.

"No, fair enough. Said my bit. Don't mind me." He waved over Jackie, who was looking between the two of them like they were both mental. "Pull up a chair, Rose. Come and watch the fireworks."

Behind Yvonne, the woman at the desk of the left announced, "Ghost Shift in twenty seconds."

"Gladly," Jackie said, joining us and taking up a position behind my chair.

"Ghost Shift in fifteen seconds."

As the woman announced the countdown again, I found myself gripping the arms of my chair, feeling a sense of nervous panic starting to creep in. What if things didn't happen here the way they had on the show? That was a television show; this was real life. There was no guarantee that things would be the same here. I had thought it would be great to have all this knowledge, better to impress the Doctor with, but now I was realizing maybe it was more of a burden than anything else. Would I always be this nervous?

My breaths started coming quicker and quicker, making it hard to catch them. My heart started to thud rapidly in my chest. I couldn't breathe as an overwhelming sense of dread started to take over. I tried to take breaths in through the mouth and out through the nose, making any attempt to slow the breathing before I went into a full on panic attack.

The Doctor said something to Yvonne but I couldn't hear it over the sound of my heart thudding in my ears. I was going to be sick soon if this kept up. Calm down, Evie, calm down.

"Evangeline." Hearing the Doctor's voice, I turned to look at him, my breath still coming out in wheezes. He didn't look at me, his eyes still trained on Yvonne, but he held his hand out in front of me, palm up and open. His voice was soft, barely more than a whisper. "It's going to be okay, I promise. Deep breaths, in and out."

I stared at his hand, reluctant. I was trying to take deep breaths but I couldn't get enough of a breath in to start. Ultimately, I reached out and placed my right hand in his, lacing our fingers together. I squeezed his hand tightly, ignoring the pain it caused in my arm, and began to slowly count out of order, closing my eyes to help me focus. I hated having to rely on counting. I hated the panic attacks at all. You would think being here for the last month would have taught me how to deal with these feelings better.

By the time my breathing was starting to slow and my heart started to beat normally again, Yvonne was ordering her staff to stop the Ghost Shift. "I suppose it makes sense to get as much intelligence as possible," her voice was ripe with defeat as she clicked her way back into the office. "But the program will recommence as soon as you've explained everything."

"I'm glad to be of help." My eyes were still closed as I heard the Doctor's chair shift next to mine. Then I felt my chair shifting, turning in its place. "Look at me, Evie." I didn't want to. I was worried I would see disappointment there at my inability to cope. He didn't want to deal with someone who couldn't keep herself together. "Evangeline, _please_ look at me."

The worried note in his voice is what caused me to finally open my eyes, seeing his brown eyes watching me with his brows scrunched together. "Does that happen a lot, the panic attacks?" His voice was still quiet, not in the menacing way that it was when he had threatened Yvonne but in a way that was supposed to calm me.

My hand was still laced with his and I pulled away, looking away from his scrutiny. I was embarrassed or maybe ashamed that I had looked so weak in front of him. What if he decided I wasn't worth taking with him because of it? "No, not usually…" I lied quietly.

"Evie, don't lie to me. Look at me." I bit my lip, looking anywhere but at the Doctor. Why did he care so much? They were just stupid panic attacks. "Evangeline…" He put a hand up, reaching for my cheek to turn my head. Rather than risk tensing up under the contact, I forced myself to look back at him. "I don't care that you have them, if that's what you're worried about. But I will be upset if you continue to lie to me. How often does it happen?"

He would know if I lied again and I sighed, defeated. "More often than I'd like." I tried to distract myself by scratching at my bandage. The infection already itched and the bandages just made it worse. "I've always been prone to them, ever since… Well, that doesn't matter. They've been happening more and more since I've been here. I'm sorry. I just… they make me feel like I'm not in control."

His eyes were understanding, not at all disappointed like I thought they would be. He truly didn't care that I had issues with panic attacks? "It's nothing to be ashamed about. I want you to let me know if it happens again, if you need help." The smile he gave me felt like he was lifting a weight off of my shoulders. I cast a glance at my hand, which only seconds ago was intertwined with the Doctor's. I could still feel the heat from his palm. If only I could tell Lexa back home.

The Doctor turned his chair away from me and back to Yvonne as she called for someone to clean up the glass. Yes, please, I didn't feel like slicing my feet up on top of my other injuries. After a few moments of listening to their dull conversation about the sphere, I decided to push my chair back, away from them and the shattered glass. I wound up positioned next to the couch against the back wall. Jackie joined me a few short minutes later when she realized the same thing I did about their conversation. I found myself staring up at the ceiling, trying to take my mind off of the pain.

All of the conversations and interactions were great for one thing: distracting. When I was talking with the Doctor or watching him do something interesting, my mind forgot that I was half-dead. It forgot that I was bruised all over the place, my upper arms so sore that I couldn't lift them above the height of my shoulders, and that my forearm felt like someone had shoved glass into the wound, whether I was moving it or not. When I ran out of things to keep my mind busy, the pain everywhere and the itchiness of my wound were all I could think of. Currently, I was trying to will my left arm into submission as it kept trying to reach over to my right to scratch at my bandage.

"You look miserable," Jackie declared after a moment of watching me lift my left arm and force it back down, only to do it again a few seconds later.

I snorted, not even mad at how right she was. "Thanks. I feel how I look, then."

"What you said earlier, about wanting to die, was that true?"

"Starting off with the easy topics, aren't we?" I slowly turned my chair to face her. As much as I hated that I blurted that out earlier, it was true. I knew the Doctor was listening, and knew he would be able to tell if I was lying. I didn't want to talk about it but Jackie looked at me with the most sympathy I had seen anyone give me in a long time. Not pity, but sympathy. "I hadn't meant to say that, but… Yeah." She opened her mouth to say, or ask, more but I continued before she could. "You have to understand, Rose, that I didn't know how long I was going to be stuck in this hell for. For all I knew, I was going to have to suffer like this for months until they decided it was time to put me down. I haven't eaten much, I've barely slept… I'm pretty sure sleep deprivation was another one of their experiments they didn't tell me about. Every time I heard the door to my cell unlock, my brain came up with the worst possible scenarios I could imagine. They would hit me if I didn't cooperate. If I didn't change or shower when they told me to, they would threaten to…" I had to pause, a shiver running down my spine at the thoughts of what they might have done if they had caught me while I was still dressing or washing. It was then that I noticed how silent the room had become. When had the Doctor stopped talking to Yvonne? I cleared my throat, trying to dispel the tightness lodged there. "So, yeah… I thought about dying. I thought about what I would have done if I could get my hands on some kind of weapon. The one time I did, I stabbed one of my guards with a syringe and I still regret not…" I couldn't say it. I couldn't voice it out loud that I still regretted not impaling myself with the syringe that day, even now. "If the Doctor hadn't been there today in the sphere room, I _know _I would have killed her, and then taken myself out."

Jackie's face was full of horror, not at the confession I had shared but at the reasons I felt that way. I drew my legs up onto my chair, pulling them into my chest. I wanted to badly to crawl into a hole and hide somewhere. I prided myself on staying strong through everything I had been through in my life. A month of Torchwood had undone all of that. I caught the Doctor watching me from the corner of my eye and snapped, "Show's over, Doctor. You can go back to your conversation now." I refused to meet his eyes, too afraid of what I might see in them, and after a moment he resumed a quiet conversation with Yvonne about the sphere.

"I, for one, am glad that you're still with us, Evie." There was no judgment on Jackie's face as she spoke, only kindness. "And I'm positive whoever you have waiting for you at home is, too. You mentioned a Regina. Is that your mum?"

This was something I could talk about, for once. "Not biologically, no. I don't have a family, but I have Regina. She's not really a mum in the strictest sense. She's everything to me, though. More like a sister most days, like my mother on others."

"You don't have a family?" It was obvious she was thinking of her daughter, the real Rose Tyler now.

I tried to recall the first days I could bring to mind, before my parents had adopted me when I was Paige, and Evangeline had been sent to foster care. They were a blur, as usual. I could remember feeling disoriented and alone, but not how I'd managed to wake up abandoned on the side of the street. Eerie that Evangeline and I had similar beginnings. I, or Paige, had just been fortunate enough to be found by a couple who couldn't have kids. In the end, I guess it had really been unfortunate. And how in the hell was I supposed to refer to myself when I was now two people? Two months in this world and I still hadn't figured that part out. "No, never did, really. I grew up in foster care. Regina was the biological child of one of my foster families and we bonded pretty closely. She didn't much like her family, or how they treated me, and when she landed a stable job, the first thing she did was put in to adopt me." Oh, Regina. Were you still out there looking for me? "She probably thinks I ran away. I used to do that a lot when I was in foster care. I've never been good at staying still for long. If they had really wanted to torture me here, they should have just left me locked in a room. Would have been awful enough."

Jackie huffed a laugh, smiling. "Making jokes now, are we? Tell you what, though. Mother or not, if my daughter went missing like that, like you did, I'd never stop searching for her. Keep in mind she did once, go missing, I mean, for a whole year. Didn't matter what the police said. I didn't stop looking. I doubt Regina has given up either." Her words gave me a glimmer of hope I didn't have before, and I hoped she was right.

"Yvonne, I think you should see this." I quickly looked over as a voice I recognized as Rajesh started coming out of Yvonne's laptop on her desk. I may not have been able to remember everything about the episode, but I could recall that this was where things got interesting. "We've got a visitor. We don't know who she is, but funnily enough, she arrived at the same time as the Doctor."

Yvonne didn't look amused as she spun her computer around to face us. Rose, the real Rose, and Rajesh looked out at the three of us from the webcam video on the screen. "She one of yours?"

"Never seen her before in my life," the Doctor answer, rather unconvincingly, shaking his head.

"Good, then we can have her shot." Yvonne raised her eyebrows at the Doctor, challenging him.

He sighed, straightening up in his chair. "Oh, alright then, it was worth a try." He gestured to the blonde on the screen, giving her a quick smile. "That's Rose Tyler."

From the screen, Rose gave a little wave. Yvonne turned her eyes to Jackie, confused now. Considering how smart Yvonne was supposed to be, I was surprised that she couldn't put two and two together. "Then who's she?"

Jackie gave a nod to her daughter. "I'm her mother, Jackie Tyler. Sorry, Evie," she quickly added. "I didn't mean to lie."

I shrugged. It wasn't like I hadn't known the whole time, anyway. "Don't worry about it, Jackie. It's understandable given that you are dealing with the monster that is Yvonne."

The Doctor grimaced, clearly embarrassed at the information and at the smug amusement on Yvonne's face. "Please, when Torchwood comes to write my complete history, don't tell people I traveled through time and space with her mother."

"We'll see. Though I have to wonder, Doctor, if this Rose isn't the only one you sent snooping around." Her focus settled on me like a laser and everyone turned to follow her gaze. The Doctor seemed to understand what she was implying and drew his brows together. How many times was she going to try and set him off today? "Did you send that one to infiltrate us?"

"No, I had no idea that Evie was here," was the Doctor's cold response. He repositioned the chair he was sitting in to block some of Yvonne's view of me, uncomfortable with her insinuation. "If I had, I would have come a lot sooner to save her from your clutches."

She stood up, looking between me, my knees still drawn up to my chest, and the Doctor, clearly unable to read the signs of anger in his face. "Then why do you care so much, Doctor, if she doesn't belong to you? You seem to have taken quite an interest in her. Is it because she's a scientific impossibility, or do you just have a thing for little nobodies in distress?" She leaned over, placing her hands on the desk, turning on the sickly sweet voice I'd seen her use before to ask people to do something for her. "You _could_ leave her here, you know. Let us figure her out for you."

The idea of being left behind made my skin crawl. Phantom fingers clawed at the bruises on my upper arms and I shuddered. "Doctor…"

"Don't worry, Evie." In the blink of an eye, the Doctor was up, placing his hands in front of Yvonne's on the desk. He towered over her, the acid in his voice a tone I hadn't heard him use before. "Listen to me very carefully, Miss Hartman, because I'm only going to say this once. If I've taken an interest in her, it's because she's interesting. And why shouldn't she be? She's a human being, after all. Every person is unique and interesting. She may be a scientific impossibility, but I would rescue her from here even if she wasn't. Interesting is not a synonym for _wrong_. It is not an excuse to maim and cut someone up in the name of science or the British Empire, as you claim. Stay away from her. You will not harm Evangeline Craine again, physically, mentally, emotionally, cosmically, or any other kind of -ally that you can think of."

"Doctor, how dare you-" Yvonne's rebuttal fell flat with the sound of a thunk from outside the office. Her head swiveled to where the employees sat at their desks. "Excuse me?" she called, walking toward the door to her office. "I thought I said stop the Ghost Shift? Who started the program?"

"Doctor, what's going on?" Things were about to get very real here and the sudden realization of it was terrifying.

"Evie, don't panic." The Doctor was up from his chair then, jogging to join Yvonne in the main room. "What's she doing?" He immediately walked over to where the woman who looked like Matha sat.

He wasn't going to just leave me in here. I placed my feet back down onto the floor, curling my toes at the sudden coldness, and slowly made myself stand up. My legs wobbled and I had to grab the chair to keep myself steady, but I was up. One glance at Jackie told me she was following me out there. I bypassed the glass that was still on the ground by walking around the back of Yvonne's desk, and then I was out, standing next to the Doctor at the woman's desk, Jackie right behind me.

The same actress had played both this woman and Martha. But now, in real life this woman looked slightly different than I remembered Freema Agyeman. There was definitely a resemblance, though, and I think Martha even mentioned later that a family member had died here. _Died_. Lost, along with hundreds of others.

The Doctor snapped his fingers in her face, and she didn't so much as flinch. Yvonne was frantic. "Addy, step away from the desk. Listen to me. Step away from the desk."

"I don't think she can hear you," I said, a thought occurring to me. I was staring at her earpieces, wondering how I had never noticed this in the show before. "Everyone I've seen only has one earpiece. Hartman, Ed and Toupee, the soldiers. One earpiece. So why do they," I gestured briefly at the two other men at their desks on the other side. "have two?"

"Brilliant observation!" The Doctor gave me a grin, sending a surge of pride through me. Maybe I wouldn't be useless after all. Behind us, I could hear the two scientists fighting with the levers that were still rising into Ghost Shift. The Doctor analyzed the two earpieces, something dawning on him, as he pulled out his Sonic Screwdriver. "It's controlling them. I've seen this before." He apologized to the woman, Addy, as he pointed the screwdriver at her earpiece and pressed.

The most awful screeches erupted from all three of the employees before their heads flopped over, unconscious. "They're dead."

Jackie's hands flew to her mouth in horror. "You killed them!"

"Oh, someone else did that long before I got here." His face was grim, looking between the first three on a long list of the dead that was to come.

"But you killed them!"

The Doctor was leaning over Addy's dead body, typing away furiously. I had no idea what he was typing, but I could assume he was trying to slow down the Ghost Shift. "Jackie, I haven't got time for this!" Yvonne reached for one of Addy's earpieces. "Don't," was the Doctor's only warning as he finished on that computer and bounded over to one on the other side.

"But they're standard comms devices. How does it control them? What are they?" I turned my eyes away as Yvonne grabbed hold of the earpiece and yanked. With a sickening wet sound, whatever it was that had controlled them came out and Yvonne gagged before dropping it. "God, it goes inside their brain!"

The Doctor ignored her discovery, already aware of the technology. "What about the Ghost Shift?"

Yvonne took one last look at the disgusting piece of brainstem that I was trying so very hard not to look at before going to look at the Doctor's computer over his shoulder. "90 percent and still running. Can't you stop it?"

He shook his head, running an aggravated hand through his hair. "They're still controlling it. They've hijacked the system."

"Who, Doctor?" I asked, startling the both of them from their thoughts. "Who has hijacked the system?"

He didn't answer my question, instead grabbing for his Sonic Screwdriver again. "It might be a remote transmitter," he explained, turning it on and scanning it around the room until it locked on to a direction. "It's got to be close by. I can trace it." Without a second look at the two of us standing here, he started racing for the door. "Evie, Jackie, stay here!" Yvonne followed close behind, leaving us with the three dead bodies and the two scientists struggling to keep the levers from rising.

I tried to remember my breathing techniques as a hundred thoughts began running through my mind. Knowing that this was coming and being prepared for the Cybermen who were about to bust through the breach were two completely different things, I realized now. I wasn't supposed to be here, and that made things complicated. What if they took me? What if they killed me? Hell, where was I supposed to stand? I didn't want to get shot by a tin can all because I was standing in the wrong spot. They were going to be here in only a few minutes and they would start killing people. Would one of them be me or, worse, would my presence cause someone else to die? Shit, I really didn't like this.

First things first, where to stand. I didn't want to just stand around in the middle like this, in the way of things. My eyes landed on a spot in the corner by Yvonne's office. "Jackie, follow me," I ordered, gesturing to the place I was looking at as I walked as fast as my feet would go.

"What? Why?" She could tell something was wrong. Her mother senses were tingling. "Evie, what's wrong?"

I clearly couldn't tell her that I knew what was going to happen. Even Jackie would think that was strange. "I just… I have a bad feeling, Jackie." That much was true, at least. "And my bad feelings usually come true, since nothing good ever seems to happen to me." Also true. "I don't know what's going on, only that these three people are dead and the Ghost Shift has the Doctor really freaked out. If he's freaked out, I imagine we should be, too." I may not have known how I was going to fit into all of this, but I did know one thing: I was barely managing to stand right now. I was running on fumes, and standing was sucking up more energy than I cared to admit. "Do you mind if I take your hand? I need the support to keep me up right now."

Without a second thought, Jackie held her hand out for me and I latched on, tensing at the initial contact. Something about the warmth in her hand helped me take in a deep breath. "Rose is down there. Is she going to be alright?"

Was that how Regina had felt when I didn't come home that day? Is that how she was feeling now? "If she's anything like you, Jackie, I can almost guarantee that she'll be fine." Had someone been there for Regina, the way that I was for Jackie right now?

We stood in silence, holding on to each other, like that. In front of us, the scientists were still fighting the levers and failing, the breach wall getting brighter with every second. Breathe, Evie, in through the mouth and out through the nose. You are not going to have another panic attack.

It wasn't long before Jackie looked at the doorway to the room and my ears picked up what she was hearing. Pounding footsteps were getting louder and louder, coming closer. I knew that sound. I had watched enough "Doctor Who" to have that sound memorized. My hand shook inside of Jackie's.

I squeezed her hand involuntarily the moment the first Cyberman, gleaming silver in the light, marched into the room. Behind it followed Yvonne and the Doctor, hands up behind their heads. "Get away from the machines! Do what they say. Don't fight them!" the Doctor called as he followed behind the Cybermen. He searched for us momentarily and nodded once he had located us. He seemed to want us to stay here, which was fine with me.

Despite his warnings, the handful of Cybermen in the room raised their arms, shooting each of the scientists who stood near the levers. I squeezed my eyes shut as they fell, fighting the urge to scream. Jackie, no such ability, shrieked, her free hand going to her mouth. "What are they?"

One of the Cybermen, standing near the Doctor in the center of the room, turned to face us. My breath hitched, terrified for a second that I was about to be next. "We are the Cybermen. The Ghost Shift will be increased to one hundred percent." As in invisible hands were moving them, the two levels began moving on their own again until they were standing straight.

Almost immediately, the light of the breach increased tenfold. I raised my injured arm, the one not currently attached to Jackie, to shield my eyes against the light, feeling the wound stretch in protestation. It was only a second before I could begin to see the blurred shapes of the ghosts coming through, all of them making that horrible marching sound the Cybermen did. They came through in lines, like the soldiers they were. Jackie whispered quietly to me, not wanting to draw anymore attention than needed. "What do these Cybermen have to do with the ghosts?"

"Oh, Jackie." I had forgotten how daft she could be about all of this sometimes. "The Cybermen are the ghosts. All over the world, the Cybermen are coming."

Regina, you better be at home and not out on the street.

I jumped as the computer's voice rang throughout the room. "Sphere activated. Sphere activated."

The Doctor cast a worried glance at us, at Jackie specifically, realizing that Rose was still down there with the sphere. Then he was turning a demanding voice on the Cyberman in front of him. "But I don't understand. The Cybermen don't have the technology to build a Void Ship. That's way beyond you. How did you create the sphere?"

"The sphere is not ours."

"What?" His face began to fall as his assumption fell to pieces around him.

"The sphere from down the barriers between worlds. We only followed. Its origin is unknown."

Yvonne's face followed the Doctor's horrified expression as it occurred to her just what that meant. Breathe, I told myself, in and out. Breathe. It was starting to lose its effect, my breaths becoming shorter and shorter.

"Evie, what does that mean?"

I squeezed her hand as reassuringly as I could. She squeezed back, but it did nothing to calm the fears running haywire through me. "It means that something else is inside that sphere, Jackie. Something else is here." I raised my voice slightly, enough that I was sure Yvonne could hear me from over here. "I hope you're happy, Hartman. You've doomed us all."

"But Rose is down there."

"I know, Jackie. So is Rajesh." And so was Mickey, though they didn't know that yet. And as much as I was angry Rajesh had never stood up to Yvonne to help me, he didn't deserve to die. Not the way he had in the episode.

I was starting to wheeze now, my vision going blurry as another panic attack started to set in. This wasn't what I wanted. This wasn't what I had pictured all those times I had dreamed of the Doctor. I had dreamed of this for fourteen years, since Christopher Eccleston, the Ninth Doctor, came onto the screen. I had waited for this, all those years and these past two months. But this was too much. This was too _real_.

I couldn't breathe, couldn't stop my heart from racing. I wanted to go home all of a sudden, to Regina. Hell, even to my father. The room began to spin around me, turning my legs into jello. My footing disappeared beneath me.

Still holding Jackie's hand in mine, I felt myself falling, my knees hitting the tiled floor with a hard smack. My right hand was next, holding me up.

As one, the metal marching sounded as the Cybermen in the room all turned at the sound.


	6. I Will Not Die Here

Chapter 6: I Will Not Die Here

_~"If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?"~_

_TS Elliot_

The sound of thundering metal footsteps rang in my ears as my chest heaved. Unable to take in a breath, I crashed to the ground. I didn't have to look at the Cybermen to know they were all watching me, judging me with their inhuman faces. Damn it, Evie, breathe already. I was going to die here, not because of my injuries or because I was protecting someone else, but because of my damn panic attacks. Distantly, I heard the Doctor calling my name. Jackie was pulling on my arm still. I tried to look up, to find the Doctor, but I couldn't look past the Cybermen, fear clenching my heart like a fist. Oh, god, I was going to die.

"She is weak." The cold voice of the Cyberman that spoke sucked any air I'd had left in me out in a gasp. "She will be deleted."

"Don't you dare," the Doctor snapped at them. "Evangeline, don't look at them. Look at me. Just look at me." I forced myself to do what he said, struggling to take my eyes off the metal men. My eyes found him, forcing his way past the Cybermen around him.

Then he was there, kneeling on the ground in front of me. His hand was on my cheek. His eyes were kind but his voice was hard and demanding. "Evangeline, listen to me. If you don't get up right now, they'll delete you. If they think you're too weak to be good stock, they will delete you and there's only so much I can do to stop them. You need to get up. Now." I shook my head, unable to speak, unable to get air into my lungs. It felt like I was suffocating, my lungs squeezing shut inside of me. "Breathe, Evie. Think about… Oh, what was her name? Regina? Think of Regina, waiting for you at home. You can't show her you didn't run away if you get deleted."

Regina. Like a fire igniting in my chest, I gasped as I finally managed to suck in a lung's worth of air. I held it there, feeling my chest expand, before I let out the breath, and then did it again. I felt the strength return to me with every breath. I had to make it home to Regina. These worthless tin cans weren't going to stop me from doing that.

The Doctor stood, holding his hand out for me with one of his grins. "Atta girl. That's more like it."

I took his hand without a second thought, using both his and Jackie's to pull myself to my feet. My arms hurt but that didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was getting back up. I gave the best steely look I could manage at the moment to the Cybermen staring at me. "They're nothing compared to what that bitch put me through."

"Good girl," still holding my hand, the Doctor gave it a reassuring squeeze. From my gaze, his eyes drifted up, looking at something behind me. His hand slipped from mine as he walked past, through the open doorway of Yvonne's office. He stopped in front of the window overlooking Canary Wharf.

Jackie and I shared a glance before we split apart to follow him. My hands felt cold, absent of the warmth from both of theirs, and I tucked them underneath my arms as I approached the Doctor's side. Outside, in the world below, the city was in chaos. Smoke was rising from multiple areas of the city. My eyes flitted about, scanning for the flat I shared with Regina. Would I be able to see it from here?

Yvonne's chair creaked at her desk, signaling her arrival in the room. A second later the Cybermen's heavy footsteps followed, making the hair rise on the back of my neck. I wouldn't look at them, not if I didn't have to. Part of my brain was still convinced I was dreaming this somehow, that I would wake up in my bed at home, safe from all of this. Well, safe may not have been the correct word, given what my father was capable of. Safer, though, than here. But then… I cast a quick sideways glance at the Time Lord next to me. I wouldn't have met him then.

One of the Cybermen spoke to Yvonne. "You will talk to your central world authority and order global surrender." Was that the head honcho of the Cybermen, then? It took me a moment to remember what they had called that one in the show: Cyberleader.

Yvonne scoffed, as usual. Even in the face of almost certain death, a monster would not show fear. "Oh, do some research. We haven't got a central world authority." I was partially surprised that Yvonne didn't jump at the chance to call herself the leader of our world, considering that she thought she was above everyone else.

"You have now." I heard a thud, the Cyberleader pressing its hand to its chest as it connected to whatever wavelength it needed to in order to broadcast. I still refused to turn around and look, my eyes desperately looking for any signs that our flat was safe. "I will speak on all global wavelengths. This broadcast is for humankind."

It continued to go off, ordering surrender across the planet. I knew the spiel. Cybermen would remove all differences between people so everyone could be identical, as if that was any great reward for having your humanity ripped out of you and stuffed into the equivalent of a toaster. I couldn't spot our flat from here, though not for lack of effort. It was either too far out of sight or it was blocked by the pillars of smoke coming up. My heart clenched at the thought of her being in danger. I may have only truly known her for two months, but I had a whole eight years of loving Regina inside of me, inside of Evangeline. There wasn't anything I wouldn't have given right now to protect the person I wish I had grown up with instead of my father.

Was she inside and safe, or had she been out when this had happened? Regina had stopped going out at Ghost Shift times after all of my warnings but I didn't know what she would do now that I was missing. What if she got hurt because she was out looking for me? What if I went back to the flat after this and found her dead, or if there was nowhere for me to return to after this because our flat had been destroyed? Was this what Jackie felt, worrying about Rose? I looked over at the woman, her worries showing as plain as day. As I did, I caught the Doctor staring at me with his 3D glasses on for the second time so far. Why did he keep doing that?

"You keep looking at me funny. Why?" I demanded quietly, not wanting to attract the attention of the Cybermen behind me.

He whipped them off, stowing them inside his jacket. "No reason."

I was about to tell him not to lie to me, as he'd told me earlier, when the Cyberleader clunked its way over to the window. The Doctor reached an arm out and, without touching him, I stepped behind it, taking cover. "I ordered surrender." If it was possible for a Cyberman to sound confused, that was what it would sound like. It truly wasn't capable of understanding why humans wouldn't want to be a Cyberman.

"They're not taking instructions," the Doctor shouted, trying to get through to their mechanical brains. "Don't you understand? You're on every street, you're in their homes, you've got their children! Of course they're going to fight!"

The Cyberleader didn't respond to the Doctor as it suddenly turned towards the other one in the room. "Scans detect unknown technology active within sphere chamber. Units ten-six-five and ten-six-six will investigate sphere chamber."

"Doctor?" He turned to look at me while the Cybermen occupied themselves with finding the source of the technology in the sphere room. "Jackie's daughter, Rose, will she be okay?"

He gave me a kind of lopsided smile, seemingly surprised I was asking. "She's a fighter. Speaking of fighters, how are you holding up?"

"Not so hot," I admitted. I could have lied, probably would have to anyone else, but there was no point. He'd already shown that he could tell when I was lying, or maybe it was just that I was too exhausted at this point to hide my lying better. "Feeling a little woozy. I haven't been up and about this much in a long time, Doctor, and my arm is still bleeding." A small spot of pink was already appearing on the bandage Jackie had wrapped my arm in not that long ago.

"Units open visual link." The Doctor turned back as a video popped up on the screen of Yvonne's laptop. She got up from her desk to carefully walk over to us so she could see as well, and I found myself placing an extra step of distance between us. "Visual contact established."

The video must have been from the viewpoint of one of the Cybermen down there and we watched as they rounded a corner. Before long, a strange cone-shaped creature came into view. In a highpitched, robotic sort of voice, the alien I recognized as a Dalek, ordered the Cybermen standing in front of it to identify themselves.

This had always been one of my favorite scenes through the whole of "Doctor Who" and I found myself unable to enjoy it. It was much less amusing in real life when there was the possibility of being murdered by one of the two alien races at any moment. My mind trailed back to Regina. At least here I had the Doctor to protect me. She was out there all alone, without a clue as to what was happening. What would happen to her when the Daleks arrived and started flooding the city? At least with the Cybermen, there was the possibility they would try to upgrade her, giving her time for us to fix everything. The Daleks would kill without question. Please be safe, Regina. I don't know if I could take losing someone else.

"Doctor, what is a Dalek?" I asked, mostly because I knew that I should.

The Doctor turned away from the exchange happening in front of him, a grim expression on his face. He met Jackie's eyes, then mine. "Do the Cybermen scare you, Evie?"

"Yes." I didn't have to think about that.

"The Daleks are worse. Living creatures inside of metal casings, they have no emotions or mercy. Their only goal is to kill everything that isn't them. We're in for a world of trouble."

Jackie's looked even more shaken than before. "Rose said about the Daleks. She was terrified of them. What have they done to her, Doctor? Is she dead?"

He held his hand out to her as a thought came to him. "Phone. Give me your phone." Confused, Jackie pulled it from her pocket and handed it to him. He quickly dialed and pressed it to his hear. "She's answered. She's alive. Why haven't they killed her?"

Jackie looked like she could have smacked him if she wasn't so relieved. "Well, don't complain!"

As he listened in to the Daleks with Rose through the phone, I tried my best to give Jackie a reassuring smile. "See? Told you Rose would be okay."

"You are better at dying. Raise communications barrier!" I turned at the familiar line, just as the Doctor pulled the phone from his ear and handed it back to Jackie.

Why was I starting to get a bad feeling?

The video feed gone, the Cyberleader thumped out of Yvonne's office, back to the rest of its group in the main room. "Quarantine the sphere chamber. Start emergency upgrading." Then I realized why I had a bad feeling. This was what I had been warning Yvonne about all this time. "Begin with these personnel."

My stomach plummeted and my mouth went dry. _No_. I cursed as the sound of metal footsteps filled my ears once more, grabbing the Doctor's hand as his eyes went wide in understanding. I didn't care about the tense sensation that rolled through my body at the contact. "Doctor, don't let them take me. Don't let them take me, please."

Yvonne and Jackie screamed behind me. "Stop them!" Jackie hollered, fighting the machine that was hauling her out of the office. "I don't want to go!"

"Doctor-" I cried out as metal hands clamped down on my upper arms, scraping skin and pressing on painful bruises. My hand slipped from the Doctor's and I screamed. "Put me down! You can't have me! Doctor!"

"Evie! Jackie!" The Doctor tried to make a run for us but a Cyberman stepped into his path, blocking him. "Leave those women alone! Jackie, Evie, don't fight! I'll figure something out!"

"_Doctor!_" I could do nothing but thrash helplessly, like all those times before in Ed's and Toupee's clutches. "This wasn't supposed to happen! I'm not supposed to be here. This isn't how it's supposed to be. Put me down!" I caught his eyes one last time as I was dragged toward the door to the hallway. "Doctor, you promised! You promised me!" I tried to grab the door frame as I passed it, anything to get them to slow down or let go, but I was too far from it and too weak for it to have done any good.

I was helpless as I was dragged and shoved along behind Jackie and Yvonne. I wanted to vomit, but I had nothing in me to throw up. I felt panic rise within me and forced it down. Barely. If I had an attack now, I would be dead for sure. Regina would never know what happened to me if I let them kill me. God, how could this be happening? Two months ago, I would have been at Lexa's, watching old episodes, maybe this one, and talking about fanfiction. Now, I was going to get turned into a Cyberman, a monster I once thought had been so pathetic. Nothing pathetic about them now. How was I supposed to save myself? I had been a hostage for the last month. I was in no condition to do the rescuing. That's what the Doctor was for. He promised me he'd save me.

If this wasn't real, if this really was a coma or the world's longest dream, then I needed to wake up _now_.

We passed by hallways and corridors, Cybermen milling about in each one. Was this what Mom felt when she died? Had she been this scared when she went to the hospital that day, or during the week leading up to her death? Was this painful, weak feeling what she had felt like every time she had gone in for chemotherapy? That last week she'd been alive had been so bad… This was twice now that I didn't get to say goodbye to the person I loved. I never got to say goodbye to my mother the last time she had gone to the hospital. I didn't get to say goodbye to Regina when Yvonne had kidnapped me off the street. Three times, if I counted not saying goodbye to Lexa. No, I would not die here. I would make it back to Regina no matter what. I may not be able to go back in time to say goodbye to Mom, but I was sure as hell going to see Regina again.

Before long, I was shoved into a line behind Jackie and Yvonne. In front of us, a row of plastic white sheets hung in sections, screamings coming from each of the sections within. Bile rose in my throat and I threw up a little in my mouth. Guess I did have something left in me after all. I spit it out onto the floor, trying to come up with a plan. Think, Evie, think. What would the Doctor do?

In front of me, Jackie whispered, "What happens in there? What's upgradin' mean? What do they do?"

Yvonne started to answer and gagged. I answered for her, my voice weak. "They're going to turn us into tin cans like them. Remove the brain and the feelings, and stuff us inside walking metal coffins. All because Yvonne Hartman had to play with the big goddamned hole in the sky."

"Next." The Cyberman in front turned to Yvonne, grabbing her by the arm and walking her down the corridor ahead of us.

"This is your fault!" Jackie yelled as we watched. "You and your Torchwood. You've killed us all!"

I had wanted Yvonne to die, had practically salivated at the thought of it. But the Doctor was right; she didn't deserve to die, at least not like this. No one did. Even if she was the reason I was standing here right now. If I hadn't been kidnapped, I might have found another way to meet the Doctor. "There has to be a way out of this, Jackie. You have a daughter, for crying out loud, and I have to get back to Regina. There has to be a way out."

Then Jackie was being grabbed, and I was screaming at them to let her go. Please, please, tell me this was just like the episode. I couldn't see another way out of this. Jackie was hauled to the same spot Yvonne had been standing only moments ago, screams of the dying echoing throughout the plastic sheets, and then the Cybermen just stopped.

The metal hand on my arm dropped and I realized that the ones near me had stopped as well. "Cyberleader One has been terminated. New Cyberleader will be designated."

A wave of relief rushed through me. At least this part was similar to the episode. I had no idea how long this would last for, but this was our only chance. Jackie looked my way and I caught her eye. She gestured quickly behind her at a poorly concealed doorway, past the upgrading chambers.

As quickly as my tired legs would take me, I bolted after her, refusing to look at the Cybermen passing by. If I looked, I was afraid I would lose my nerve. This was our only option. We came out into another short hallway next to a door leading to a stairway. I shoved Jackie at it and we crashed through the door together. "Stairs, not my favorite thing." I slammed the door shut behind us. "We don't have much time. Once they reboot and realize we're gone, they'll be coming."

"Can you make the stairs, in your condition?"

"Fair point, Jackie, but we don't have much of a choice. We have to go."

As we started sprinting down the stairs, I realized just how fair her point really was. My whole body screamed at the effort it took, and I was thankful we weren't going up the stairs at least. Torchwood hadn't performed many experiments on my legs, but I knew a large part of my muscle mass had gone down and I wasn't used to all this running about anymore. We were barely down the first flight when the door above us opened and those awful, thundering footsteps began marching down after us. Jackie's eyes went wide and she paused. "Faster, Jackie, faster." I didn't know if I could do faster, though.

With every flight of stairs we tackled, my breathing became shallower and shallower. The room began to spin more and more. Not from a panic attack this time but from sheer lack of energy. If the Cybermen didn't catch up and kill me, I was almost positive that this would.

Another door slammed open above us. Instinctively, my head spun around to look and gauge the situation. Big mistake. I knew it as soon as I looked. The staircase spun around me and my balance was lost. My foot landed too far forward on the next step and my heel slid, sending me spiraling downward. My hand flew out for the railing, fingertips barely grazing the bar, and down I went. There was a pop in my ankle somewhere. Stairs met torso, sending shockwaves through me as I tumbled onto the landing. Pain radiated through my lower left leg, starting at my ankle and splintering outward, at the same time as a fresh batch of pain blossomed through my arm and spots began to gather in my vision. I was distantly aware of Jackie calling my name as the ringing in my ears began to lessen.

I didn't have time to be down and out. I forced my left hand up, stretching it out for Jackie. Her hand was in mine almost instantly, pulling me up. The moment I placed pressure on my left ankle, I had to force back a scream. "Have to move…" The metal footsteps were getting louder and louder by the second.

Then the footsteps stopped altogether. Jackie yelped, pointing behind me at the stairs. I knew what I would find there, but I turned around regardless. Three Cybermen stood halfway down the steps, raising their right arm at us. I knew that stance; we were as good as dead.

"Jackie, go. Run. You might still make it." Me? I was a dead girl standing.


	7. The Secret's Out

Chapter 7: The Secret's Out

_~Every lie is two lies-the lie we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it."~_

_Robert Brault_

"You will be upgraded."

"Jackie, get out of here!" I hissed at her. The blonde was still standing next to me on the landing. Three Cybermen stared down at us from the middle of the staircase, arms raised. "There's no reason both of us need to die here. Go! You have a daughter to take care of."

"Hush. You've got a Regina. I'm not budgin'. We both leave or neither of us does." As if trying to prove a point, Jackie stepped closer to me.

In response, I moved to stand in front of her. I was not about to let Jackie Tyler die on my watch. It was my fault she was here. If she hadn't been worrying about me, she would have been carrying on down the stairs and probably home free to the Doctor by now. I may not have been able to put my full weight, or any weight really, on my left ankle and could hardly move my right arm at this point, but I would be damned if I let Jackie Tyler die.

The Cyberman in the front took another step down. "You will be upgraded." I could swear the universe was out to get me. Is this what life with the Doctor was like, a series of near-death experiences until you finally died? At least when it was on television, there were reports of actors leaving the show, there were spoilers, to give you hints at when characters were going to die. But now there were no reports, no spoilers, to look at. It was just me, trying to figure out if I was clever enough to survive this.

"No." My voice trembled slightly and I took a deep breath, steeling myself. "No. I will _not_ be upgraded." My voice sounded much more confident than I felt. At least, it was enough to stop the Cyberman on the stairs. I was terrified, but I wasn't about to let that show.

I searched inside myself for any trace of strength or bravery left in me. Where was the girl who had survived foster care and a mental institution? Where was the girl who did not break after the loss of her mother, the girl who had broken Amber Mayfield's nose when she'd caught her bullying the poor girl who had turned out to be Lexa? Where was the girl who had stabbed Ed with a syringe? She was there. I could feel her. Just had to muster her up. "No, you won't be upgrading me. Not today. Not any day. You hear me?" I tried to shove Jackie again, but she remained firm. "Jackie, please, just go."

Instead of leaving, she grabbed my left hand. Instead of making me tense up, her hand gave me strength. "If you think I'd just leave you here, you don't know me very well then. I'm a mother, after all. I could never leave a child, even one not my own, to die on her own." I smiled in spite of the situation. She reminded me of my own mother, once upon a time, before cancer and chemo had destroyed her, before she had died and left me with my father.

I heard the Cyberman as it began moving, marching down the last few steps to stand on the landing before us. Its arm reached out, ready to take me. "You will be upgraded."

"Now hold on a minute, you big tin can. Put that bloody arm down." Maybe it was the sudden authority or determination in my voice, or maybe it was the fact that I didn't exist. Whatever the case, it obeyed, listening to me. "You can't upgrade me. You know why?" It didn't answer, but continued to wait. I thought back to every time I had seen the Doctor give a speech, every time he had convinced an enemy to listen to him long enough for him to achieve some ridiculous plan. What would he do? There had to be some way to get them distracted long enough to escape. If we just ran, they would shoot us. No, we had to get them to pause like they had upstairs when the Cyberleader died. Why wouldn't they be able to upgrade me? Then, an idea sparked. "You can't upgrade me because I don't exist." Thank you, Torchwood, for being useful finally, even if this whole situation was because of them still.

"Then you will be deleted."

"No, no, no, wait. There's more!" I pushed Jackie toward the staircase a step, breathing heavily through the pain it created in my ankle. What else could I say? Think, Evie, think. You're clever enough to figure this out. Think! "If you delete me, then you'll never know what I know. I've got information you would be interested in."

"Tell us."

"Stop interrupting me then, would you? Rude." Cybermen were basically giant computers. How did you get a computer to pause itself? Oh, I was good with computers, years of gaming and installing and uninstalling finally being put to good use. I had an idea, but I wasn't sure if it would actually work. "I know what's going to happen to you lot. I know how you fail in the end. I even know how the first Cyberleader died. He had his head blown up, clean off. And I know how you're all going to follow your precious Cyberleader right into hell, along with those damn Daleks. The Doctor will win and there's nothing you can do about it. And I know all of it. But if you kill me, you'll never know."

"You lie," was the short, cold response to my rant. "The Cybermen will be victorious. You will be deleted." Another step in our direction and I hastily pushed Jackie towards the steps again.

"Nope, wrong! Right now, you're dying. You're all dying, getting exterminated by the Daleks. Even them, the most terrible alien race to ever exist, are going to die at the hands of the Doctor." It paused briefly, as if considering what I had said. And when one Cyberman had to process information, the rest of them did. They were linked, just like computers on the same network. "Do you want to know how I know all of this? Do you know who I am?" It didn't say anything, either unsure of who I was or still processing the other information. "My name is Evangeline Craine, the girl from two worlds, the existing non-existence. I am the girl who has been to hell and back and is still standing. I may be pretty ordinary, but I'm strong. I've lived two lives, both of them full of pain and misery. So, no, you can't upgrade me, Cyberman. You can't delete me. I don't exist. Like trying to erase a computer icon after you've uninstalled all the files. It does not compute. That's me." I grinned wickedly at them. Almost at the staircase now. "Evangeline Craine. I'm here, but there's no data to erase. Go ahead, look me up and see."

I think if a Cyberman could have tilted its head in confusion, it would have now. "Searching database for information on Evangeline Craine." It lifted a fist to its chest and my eyes darted over to the other Cybermen, who had made their way down to the landing at some point in my half-cocked rant, to see them do the same. Just like computers linked to each other, they all did the same thing. They all searched for the same information. Would they find any? I really had no clue. Cybermen couldn't multitask, though, which gave us our opening.

I spun around, gritting as my ankle twisted even further, and pushed Jackie the final step towards the stairs. "Go, before they realize I was lying. Run." I wasn't sure how much father I would be able to make it in the shape I was in, but it wasn't like I had much of a choice.

Down we continued, stair after stair. I stuck to the left side so I could push off the railing with my left hand, the good one, and try to keep some pressure off my left ankle. I tried my best to keep from letting out a groan every time I had to step on my left foot. I'm sure the Cybermen could hear us anyway but the less noise the better, I thought, and I didn't need Jackie slowing down to help me. I would be lucky if my ankle healed properly after this. If there was an after this, that was.

I was lucky it had been Jackie with me and not someone else more clever, like Mickey or Rose. Jackie wouldn't think twice about the information I had just shouted at the Cybermen, but someone else would have realized I wasn't lying about having that knowledge. I didn't want to have to explain all of my knowledge to the Doctor if I didn't have to because I wasn't sure what I would even say without telling him the truth about myself.

"How many more flights of stairs can there possibly be?" I gasped after what felt like the hundreth one, but realistically it was probably only the fourth one. The stairwell was swimming in my vision once more and my stomach felt ready to hurl. Much more and I wasn't going to make it.

As I reached the next landing, Jackie paused at the bottom to wait for me, I heard something start to ring. Jackie reached into her pocket, whipping out her phone. "Keep moving," I told her through shallow breaths. "If I stop, I'm not moving again." Above us, I could hear metal footsteps starting again. Guess the Cybermen finally figured out I had tricked them. Definitely time to keep moving then.

"Oh my god, help me. Help us!" Jackie practically cried into the phone as I moved as quickly as I could down the next flight. "They tried to download us but we ran away! I don't know. Staircase!"

He must have asked where we were. Of course she had no idea. At the bottom of the next landing, my vision starting to blur, I paused long enough to glance around for some sort of sign. "N-3, Jackie!" I yelled to her behind me when I could finally focus long enough to read the sign on the wall.

Jackie repeated the information back to him, trotting down the steps to catch up. "Of course she's with me. Did you think I'd leave her?" Jackie cast a look at me, taking stock. "Not well, Doctor. She took a fall on the stairs. Bleeding through her bandages again and something's wrong with her ankle."

"Shush, would you?" I hissed. I needed to start moving again, otherwise the Cybermen would catch up to us. It made me smile a bit, though, to know he had asked about me. But he didn't need to worry about someone else right now. "He doesn't need to know all of that. I'm fine!"

"You're not fine!" Jackie argued, taking the steps down next to me. "You look about to faint." With her by my side, I could hear the Doctor yelling at her to focus. "No, don't leave me. Don't leave us alone! Doctor!" Then he was gone, and Jackie was shoving her phone back into her pocket.

We kept going, stair after stair, until I had no idea how many flights we'd gone down. "Jackie…" I gasped as I stepped down onto the next landing and my legs buckled beneath me. I yelped at the popping sensation in my ankle flaring again and my knees slammed into the hard floor.

Jackie was at my side in an instant, holding her hand out for me. "Evie, what can I do?"

"I can't do it anymore. My body can't take it." My words came out in huffs between my breaths. The Cybermen were still loudly making their way down to us. There was no way I could go down any more stairs. As I tried to figure out how many flights above us they were, I realized I was hearing more than one set of footsteps. There were Cybermen starting to come up from below us now, too. I should have remembered that. How many times had I seen this episode? Why was I struggling to recall so much about it?

The Cybermen are slow, only capable of walking in their tincan bodies, but if we didn't get out of here we would be toast. "Evie, the door," Jackie said, noticing it at the same time as me. I nodded, grabbing her hand and using her leverage to force myself to my feet. Jackie held the door open for me and I limped through.

We found ourselves in a long hallway that looked like every other Torchwood hallway here. Memories flashed through my mind of being dragged down similar halls and I shook my head to disperse them. Not now. I can't get distracted, not now. I hugged the wall to my left, bracing my good hand on it for support and trying to keep weight off of my ankle. I was starting to fade; I could feel it. I was worried that I was going to just pass out from the pain and exertion if I didn't get some rest soon.

Jackie walked quickly ahead of me, glancing behind her every few seconds to check on me. "Evie, try to hurry before they catch up!" I looked back at the door we'd come through, but they either hadn't gotten that far yet or hadn't realized where we'd gone. A scream sounded from Jackie as I turned back.

She barely had time to stop herself before she collided with two Cybermen who had stepped out from around the corner in front of us. She backed up a few steps, telling me to run. As if I would leave her, as if I had anywhere to run to or any capability to run now. "You will be upgraded."

I cursed as Jackie begged them not to, stepping back further. There was no way to escape, not a third time. Cybermen filled the staircase behind us, and I couldn't move fast enough to get past these ones. This was going to be it for both of us this time. Maybe it would be quick. Maybe the pain would finally stop. But Regina…

Sparks flew out of the backs of the Cybermen as a loud bang sounded. Jackie jumped back, startled. The two Cybermen fell forward, clattering to the ground at her feet. Wait, I remembered this. Was this what I thought it was? Or could it just be a Dalek coming to kill us now? I was learning not to expect everything to be the same as I had once thought it would be, and I wasn't holding my breath with hope anymore.

I waited, tentative, as the smoke from the dead Cybermen began to clear. The breath rushed out of me when I saw familiar faces behind it. The Doctor stood there, looking relieved to see the two of us alive, along with Rose, Mickey, and Pete, who had just shot the Cybermen with some sort of giant gun. Jackie called Pete's name, astonished at how cruel the world could be to show her the husband who had died. This, I remembered. I would never be able to forget Jackie's and Pete's reunion. As touching as it would be in front of me, this was the perfect chance to rest.

While the two of them began to discuss their lives, I started to slide my back down the wall behind me. The idea was to use it to help me sit but I ended up more or less collapsing with a thud when my ankle couldn't bear the weight of lowering myself. Now that I was on the ground, I took the opportunity to roll up my ugly Torchwood pants to look at it. Even the act of moving my pant leg up had me grinding my teeth. It didn't look good. My left ankle was already swollen to twice its normal size and turning purple with bruising. I had twisted my ankle before and this was definitely more than just that. On top of the ankle, the bandage on my right arm was almost soaked through with blood again. It was getting hard to keep my eyes open. If only I could sleep…

The conversation had reached the point where Pete revealed how wealthy he had become in his world. After Mom died and Dad changed, watching this scene always made me a little bit sad, reminding me of what I would never have again. But now, being here and witnessing it, I found myself hopeful. If they could get a happy ending, maybe I would be lucky enough to have one, too, someday. Not necessarily the same happy ending, just one that was better. They had grown older and had lived in completely different worlds, but they were still made for each other, despite all of that.

It made me miss my mother. Jackie reminded me of her so much. I missed my father, back before Mom died and before the alcohol, when he was the kind of father who taught me how to ride a bike and would pick me up when I fell down. Not the father who knocked me down, but the other one. Mom's death had broken something inside of him. What would she think now if she could see him, at who he had become? What would she think if she could see me, broken and bleeding in a different universe, part of me wishing I could just go to sleep and not caring if I ever woke back up again? Would she be disappointed? Tears sprung to my eyes and I no longer had the strength to hold them back, letting them drip down my cheeks.

I let my eyes drift close. What would happen if I just… gave up, right here? Would they care? Would the Doctor care? Or would they just count it as another casualty of the war raging around them? After all, it wasn't like the Doctor had come here looking for me. Why should he care if I didn't make it out?

"Evie."

The Doctor's voice startled me, making my already trembling body jump in my seat. How long had I been sitting here for, or had I dozed off? I hadn't even heard his footsteps. From the sound of his voice, he was right in front of me, but I refused to open my eyes. I wasn't sure I had the strength to keep this charade up anymore. He said my name again and this time I heard him shifting, the rustle of his suit as he moved. Still, I stared at the dark abyss behind my eyelids. "Evangeline."

With an aching sigh, I forced my eyelids to open, not surprised to find his wary, concerned face only about a foot away from mine. He had crouched down in front of me, his arms on top of his knees, eyebrows scrunched together. "You're crying."

"No, I'm not," I said stubbornly. I was too tired to even lift my hand to wipe the evidence off my cheeks. "I'm perfectly fine. In fact, I'm great."

"Evangeline." He raised an eyebrow at me, but there was no smile to go with it. "You're not fine. I can see that. A blind person could see it. You're not fine, and no one expects you to be. If there's something wrong, I need to know."

"If there's something wrong? What do you mean if?" I found my voice bitter and tired. He was eyeing my bleeding arm and swollen ankle, assessing my injuries. "They get their happy ending, and all I get is a death wish. I've been fighting all my life, Doctor, and I'm done. I don't want to fight anymore. I just… I'm done." I hadn't meant to say all of that, or any of it, but I couldn't stop myself once I started. God, what would he think of me now?

He looked taken back and I felt a fresh pang in my chest at the thought of him judging me. "You have someone waiting for you at home. You don't get to give up, not today." Instead of looking at me with pity or judgment like I expected, his eyes were filled with a sort of understanding. He reached a hand out towards me and, when I didn't take it, he grabbed mine. I had no energy left to care that he hadn't asked.

"My Mum was the strongest person I knew, and even she gave up in the end. I'm so tired, Doctor."

He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. "Evangeline Craine, I promise you that if you hold on for just a little bit longer, keep fighting, I will get you out of here and I will get you fixed up." Then he frowned, confused. "Did you say your Mum? You told Jackie earlier that you never had a family, so how can you have a mother?"

Crap. Good job, Evie. The pain was making me delirious. I never should have mentioned my mother. I scrambled to think of a response, something that wouldn't seem like I had just pulled it out of thin air. "It's a long story," was all I could come up with.

The Doctor looked like he wanted to press further, but he didn't say anything more about it. I had no doubt he was storing it for a later conversation. "We should get going. What do you say?" Without another word about my mother, he pushed himself to his feet, taking my hand with him.

I was only half-kidding when I asked him, "What if I say no?"

"I'll have no choice but to carry you." He smiled but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "You can say no, Evie, and you can even mean it. But I'm not about to let you give up on yourself. You have more fight left in you, I know it."

The idea of him picking me up in those scrawny, twig arms made me laugh. Laughing made me wince but at least this time I was wincing for a good reason. "I'll do my best for you, Doc." In a show of peace, I offered him the elbow of my right arm, knowing I wouldn't be able to grasp his hand with my arm in this condition. It was a struggle to even lift the arm, let alone flex the muscles in it.

"Atta girl," he said with a grin. As he gently lifted me up, I attempted to place all of my body weight onto my good ankle. Even then, I still hissed at the pressure on my swollen one as the Doctor helped me into a standing position.

I tried to take a step past him, not wanting to have to keep relying on him when he had more important things to do, but the moment I tried to place even a light step on my ankle it gave out. The Doctor's arm wrapped around my waist, supporting me before I could fall. My left hand grabbed at his jacket in a panic to balance myself. Lexa would have killed to be me right now, but all I could think was how exhausting it was to be standing again. "Thank you, Doctor, for everything," I found myself saying. "If you hadn't stopped Yvonne, I might have been a Cyberman already, or possibly still locked in my room with the world ending around me."

The Doctor's hand was still around my waist as he asked, "What happened after the Cybermen took you?"

"Jackie and I managed to escape when the Cybermen stopped suddenly, like they were processing some kind of information. Of course, our escape had to take us down so many flights of stairs that I lost count. I tripped about halfway down. The universe clearly has it out for me."

"And Yvonne?"

I wrinkled my nose at the thought of her, feeling smug. "She kicked the bucket. Probably walking around as a Cyberman by now. I tried to tell her that karma was going to get her sooner rather than later."

I must have looked too happy to have her dead because the Doctor frowned, scolding me. "What did I tell you earlier? Death is never the answer. I'm disappointed."

Hearing he was disappointed hurt a little more than I expected. "It's not my fault she's dead, Doctor. It's not as if I pushed her into the upgrade chamber. But she's dead, and I'm not. She can't hurt me anymore, and I won't apologize for being glad about that," I countered defensively. Yvonne deserved to die and that was that. "I can't count the number of times I thought about giving up today alone and that's because of her. Do I feel bad about the way she died? Yeah, I do. I'll admit that. But do I feel bad that she's dead? Not really, no." He opened his mouth, probably to tell me that I should be better than her or something like that, and I cut him off. "I am too tired and too weak to be the bigger person right now."

Frustrated, I shoved his arm and he dropped it. Who was he to tell me how to feel? I had seen him angry and vengeful, the Oncoming Storm, more times than I could count between the seasons. I had been tortured, beaten, and maimed in ways I couldn't have even imagined in the last month. I wasn't supposed to be angry? I wasn't supposed to be thrilled that the woman responsible for my pain and for the pain of hundreds of others today was now dead? Screw that.

Out of habit, I made to storm away, unwilling to see the judgment that I knew would be on his face. But the moment I took a step, the room spun wildly until it was upside down. Both of the Doctor's hands wrapped around my waist now, pulling me into him as I swayed. My hands braced against him, my eyes squeezing shut until I could feel the vertigo begin to pass. "You're dizzy?"

"Just a bit." His chest rumbled as he quietly laughed. "I just want to go to sleep. I can't remember the last time I slept for more than a few minutes."

"No, Evie," his voice was stern. I felt the swaying start to slow down and opened my eyes, looking up at him as my vision straightened out. "You've lost too much blood by now. If you go to sleep, I'm not certain you'll wake up again."

I dropped my eyes from his to my right arm, pressed up against the jacket on his chest. Now that he mentioned it, my skin was quite a bit paler than I remembered it being earlier. It could have been the terrible lighting, but I knew he was right. I had to make it home to Regina. There would be no sleep for me any time soon. "Alright, Doctor, I'm ready to keep going. You have to save the world and all that, you know, before the aliens destroy it."

Over in the rest of our group, Jackie was talking to Pete, still looking like she couldn't believe he was real, and casting me worried glances. Even after reuniting with her family, Jackie was still trying to look out for me. Mickey was staring down at the ground a bit, guilt written all over his face. I had an idea what he was thinking, and I was going to put an end to that guilt trip. Rose, on the other hand, seemed to be caught between smiling at the look of her parents, back together at last, and frowning at the Doctor. I remembered from the show, from the episode with Sarah Jane Smith, that Rose had a tendency to get jealous. The Doctor, his hands still holding on to me, probably didn't sit well with her. Not that I was anything to be jealous of, looking like the walking dead and all.

The Doctor nodded and together we walked over to the rest of the group, one of his arms still around the back of my waist to keep me upright. "Evangeline Craine, this is everyone," he said with a grin, clearly happy to have everyone together again. "You already know Jackie. This is her dead husband from a parallel world, Pete Tyler, and her daughter, Rose Tyler. And Mister Mickey Smith, who is from our world but now resides in the parallel world with Pete. Everyone, this is Evangeline Craine."

If that wasn't the worst explanation for what was going on here then I didn't know what was. I just gave him a vaguely confused look and added, "Call me Evie." I didn't need everyone to start calling me Evangeline because of him.

Rose looked curiously at the Doctor's hand on my side, but the jealous expression was gone from her face as she took in my injuries and death-like state. "What happened to you?"

"Poor Evie's been through so much," Jackie answered, most likely trying to give me a way out of going through my ordeal here.

"It's okay, Jackie," I told her, grateful. I didn't have to relive the whole experience to make them understand. "I'll give you the short version. Apparently I don't exist and Torchwood thought that gave them the right to kidnap me and hold me hostage for a month so they could treat me like a lab rat and slice and dice me."

Pete nodded in understanding. "Sounds about right. Our Torchwood was the same way." I had forgotten there was another Torchwood in Pete's World. I wondered if their world's version of me existed or not, or if there even was a version of me in their world.

"I'm sorry." We all turned to look at Mickey, who couldn't take his eyes off my bleeding arm. "I saw you, almost every day I saw you. I heard you begging them to stop. In the beginning, I heard you begging anyone you saw to help you, and no one did anything. I didn't do anything to help you. If I had known…" He gestured to my arm, looking forlorn. He truly blamed himself for not stopping them. "I didn't find out what they were doing until afterwards. When they didn't bring you in for a few days, Rajesh told me what they'd done. I saw you wasting away, and I did nothing."

I expected to feel a surge of blame and sadness. He was right; I had silently begged him for help over and over. For awhile in the beginning, I had begged anyone I could find in the hallways for help. No one did, including him. But the blame never came, and I realized that it was impossible for me to blame him. Like he said, he hadn't known what they were going to do to me. Knowing his character from the show, I was almost certain if he had known that he would have tried. And he was here for a reason after all. It wasn't as if he was one of the countless employees who had seen me, heard me, and turned away, as if averting their eyes made what was happening to me imaginary. "It's okay," I said after a moment. He met my eyes, surprised. "If you had known, I'm sure you would have done something. And from the looks of it, you were here with some sort of purpose. It's not your fault. Hartman is the one to blame, and she's dead now. Now if only I can find my lovely guards. They deserve their own dose of karma."

I heard the Doctor sigh next to me. "Evangeline." His voice was a warning, as was the use of my full name. Again, who was he to judge? The Daleks were living creatures and I knew he wouldn't hesitate to annihilate them if he had the chance. Torchwood was just as bad.

"Don't give me that, Doctor." I met his stare, holding it with a determined stubbornness. "I am very good at holding grudges. After what they did to me, the glee that they took in my screams when they cut into my arm, without a painkiller if you'll remember, I get to hold a grudge."

He broke eye contact first, shaking his head. "We'll continue this conversation later." We could, but he wouldn't change my mind. I had a long history of holding grudges and it wasn't about to end now. "For now, we need to get moving. You can't walk on your own."

"Walking doesn't hurt as much as getting sliced open. I'll be fine." I didn't want to be a burden. Who knew how many more people were dying every minute that the Doctor was forced to prolong his actions because of me? It could be the difference between Regina being alive or dead when I could finally get to her.

Mickey stepped forward, reaching a hand out toward my arm. "Let me help-"

Before he could place a hand on me, I automatically pulled back, sucking in a sharp breath. Jackie and the Doctor were one thing; I'd had time to process it by now, had time to understand that they wouldn't hurt me. Mickey was new. Could I trust that this version of him would be like the show?

The Doctor's arm behind me kept me from going far, as well as from falling backwards as I tried to put pressure on my ankle. A feeling like a shard of glass was being shoved into the swollen area and twisted inside of it shot through my lower leg. "It's okay, Evie," the Doctor's voice was calm, putting slight pressure on my back to nudge me towards Mickey. "Mickey is a friend. He won't hurt you, just like we won't."

I forced my lungs to take a deep breath, pushing down the feeling of panic that had surged when I saw Mickey's hand coming at me. "I'm sorry. After what they did… I'm not so good with the touching right now. But the Doctor vouches for you so I'm going to try to believe him."

In a show of good faith, I extended my good arm for him, the same way I had for Jackie earlier in the sphere room, and he stepped underneath it. His arm replaced the Doctor's behind my back and the Doctor stepped away, leaving me in Mickey's care. I squeezed my eyes shut at the image of Toupee, his eyes cold, reaching for me, that flew through my mind. I would not let these memories control me, or be the reason more people died today. "Is this okay?" I needed a moment before I could form the words, but I nodded. "It's the least I can do, considerin' I couldn't help you before. Evie, right? Let me know if you need a break."

The Doctor waited long enough that he was sure I would be okay with Mickey before turning to the rest of the group and gesturing down the hallway. "We need to figure out what the Daleks are up to. Time to move!"

With Mickey's help shuffling along, I did an okay job of keeping up with the group. Jackie hovered in the middle, keeping near to both her daughter and me at the same time like the mother bird that she was, and made conversation with Pete that I didn't have the mental capacity to listen in on. Rose and the Doctor were in the front, probably catching up on what they each missed in their separation. Mickey tried to ask me some questions, make conversation, and I apologized. "I'm sorry, Mickey, but it's taking everything in me to stay upright and conscious right now." As much as that was true, I wasn't sure I had the awareness to hold a conversation without slipping up and saying something wrong right now.

"It's alright. Do you need to take a break?" I quickly said no, still refusing to be the reason the group had to slow down.

We continued down hallways and around a couple bends, Mickey asking me if I needed to rest at the end of almost every hallway. As sweet as it was, I was close to biting his head off. By the time I reached the point of wanting to say yes to a break, the Doctor was stopping us himself. We had reached a set of brown double doors. I recognized them as the door to the storage bay where Yvonne liked to keep all of the material projects they were working on. Behind the doors, the sounds of the Cybermen and Daleks attacking each other could be heard, along with the sounds of the dying soldiers caught in the fray. "I need to get something from inside." The Doctor pulled open one of the doors and peeked his head in. "Oh good, it's close."

"Are you sure, Doctor?" Rose asked nervously after peeking her head in as well. She clearly didn't like what she saw in there.

"Positive! It'll be fun." The Doctor grinned at her before diving past the cracked door and into the room.

I had a feeling he would be at least a few minutes. I didn't need to watch him tuck and roll his way to the Magna Clamps and back. "Mickey, can you lean me against the wall here? I need to catch my breath."

Mickey obliged, but his focus was more on Rose watching the Doctor than it was me right now. That was fine. I pressed my back against the concrete, lifting my swollen ankle off the floor. Putting all of the weight on my good leg was still difficult with the extreme exhaustion I was feeling throughout my entire being but it sucked less than being on the other foot.

Jackie must have noticed I was alone and wandered over to my side. "You look all sorts of clammy, sweetheart. How are you hanging in?"

"I feel like I've lost too much blood and like I've banged my head around a few too many times. But other than that, just peachy."

Off to the side, Rose gasped as she kept an eye on the Doctor and Jackie's eyes darted over to her daughter and back. "You can joke all you want, Evie, but I can tell you're 'bout to drop. You're so pale."

There was a noise as the Doctor appeared finally, triumphantly dropping the two large black clamps on the floor. He whipped out his 3D glasses and peered back into the room through them. What did those glasses do again? It was on the tip of my tongue, but I was struggling to recall their purpose.

"Doctor, Evie needs medical-"

"Jackie, don't you dare!" I hissed, cutting her off before she could pull the Time Lord's focus. "He has more important things to do and I will _not_ be the reason he doesn't save the world. I've already distracted him enough today. People are dying out there. He can't afford more distractions."

Satisfied that she wouldn't bother him about me, I turned my eyes back to him. I found Rose watching the two of us curiously, and I couldn't quite read the expression on her face.

Seemingly completely oblivious to our conversation, the Doctor pulled his head out, letting the door close behind him as he put the glasses away. "We've got to see what it's doing. We've got to go back up. Come on! Top floor!"

I allowed Mickey to take my arm over his shoulder again, tensing without the images in my mind this time, as the Doctor grabbed his clamps off the floor and turned to start making his way to the stairs. "That's forty-five floors up!" Jackie complained, following along behind the man. "Believe me, we've done them all!"

With Mickey supporting me, I began hobbling my way behind the group once more. My mind was telling me to wait, but I couldn't remember what for. "The only way I'm going up forty-five flights of stairs is if you all drag my dead carcass up there because the stairs will kill me this time." The Doctor slowed down slightly at that, realizing the issue with his plan.

At the same time, something dinged nearby. Like a lightbulb going off, I suddenly remembered why I had needed to wait. The doors to one of the elevators next to us opened and a blonde, male head popped out. "We could always take the lift." What had been his name? Jake? John? Whatever it was, he was now my favorite side character.

Mickey helped me into the elevator as I thanked the man, whose name was apparently Jake according to the rest of the group. I had him set me in the corner, the easiest place for me to support myself, and closed my eyes. Elevators gave me anxiety. Too many movies where people got stuck with no way out or they just plain broke and fell, killing everyone inside. Not to mention how tight the space was gave me some slight claustrophobia, especially considering how many people we had just jammed in here. My fears seemed particularly valid today, what with the Daleks and Cybermen shooting their guns and lasers all over the place.

An eternity passed before the elevator dinged a second time and the doors opened to the top floor. Without a glance backward, the Doctor sprinted down the small hallway into the Lever Room, clamps in hand. Everyone but Mickey followed suit. He offered me a hand again. "Ready?"

I was already limping my way out of the elevator when I shook my head at him. "Go on ahead. I'll catch up. I just need a minute." When he hesitated, I added, "It's fine, really. I'll get there."

Realizing I wasn't going to take his help, Mickey nodded and followed after everyone else. I hugged the wall on my left as I limped and hobbled my way down the hall and into the room.

By the time I got to the doorway, everyone was watching in horror as Dalek after Dalek poured out of the Genesis Ark. This much I could remember about the episode. I could hear them talking through the open panes that once made up Yvonne's office, but my thoughts were focused elsewhere. The first thing I saw when I stepped into the room, leaning against the door frame for support, were the dead bodies. Addie, the girl who looked like Martha, the two men who had been turned into Cybermen first with her, the scientists who had been touching the levers when the Cybermen arrived… Nothing more than corpses left behind. I didn't remember this part from the episode, from any of the episodes. Dead bodies were always so conveniently cleaned up by the time the Doctor returned somewhere. They didn't show this part, the aftermath, on television.

Would their families ever know what truly happened to them, or would they just go on a list of the people "lost" during the battle at Canary Wharf? What about Yvonne, Ed, Toupee, or Rajesh? As much as I didn't want to think about them, I couldn't stop myself from wondering. Did they have families at home waiting for them? Were their husbands, their wives, their children, their four dogs or two cats just sitting at home and waiting for them, wondering why they never came back? The show never really talked about what happened to the families of these people in the aftermath, besides them being on a list. How much else did the show leave out? How many more corpses would I have to see?

Would I be one of them, leaving Regina alone and forever wondering where I had gone? What if things happened differently here because of my presence? Would I get sucked into the void, with no one there to catch me? Traveling with the Doctor… It was every Whovian's dream. It had been my outlet, my escape from my thoughts, throughout Mom's sickness and afterwards. On nights that Dad was particularly bad, I imagined the Doctor showing up to my house to whisk me away in his TARDIS. It was why I had started my fanfiction, the story of a girl no one wanted who suddenly discovered there was more to life than the pain and misery of foster care. Now here I was, and it wasn't anything like what I had imagined. Sure, there had been excitement and adventure today, but I was starting to realize just how much danger came with that. If I didn't die today, would I die tomorrow, or a different day, on another adventure?

I was vaguely aware of Pete storming out of the office, saying the world would crash and burn any minute now. Didn't he know the world was already doing that? Mine had crashed and burned a long time ago. How many people would die today? How many families were now missing someone they loved, were now broken? Was Regina out there with them? That would have been just like her, to be out searching for me when the world was going to hell. Could I bear it if I went home and she wasn't there, if I had lost yet another mother? If I was lost here instead, would she ever stop searching for me?

Through what felt like a thick fog enveloping my mind, I was aware that someone was saying my name. "Evie? Evangeline?" Fingers snapped right in front of my nose and I blinked, the fog dispersing as if it was never there. My eyes followed the fingers up to the dark eyes of the Doctor. How long had he been standing there? "Evie, you're shaking. What's wrong?"

There was something on my cheek and I reached my hand up to brush it away. My fingers came back wet. Great, I was crying again. Could I possibly be anymore disappointing? "I tried to tell you she needed medical attention," Jackie's voice called from somewhere behind me. "She's pale as a real ghost."

The Doctor scanned my face and my injuries, making an unconvinced sound. "That's not it, is it? What else is bothering you?" Finding my voice, I tried to tell him I was fine but my voice cracked, thick with the emotions and thoughts causing my tears to run, before I could get more than a word out. "Don't lie to me, Evangeline. Don't tell me you're fine."

Him and his lying. It wasn't exactly like I could tell him the whole truth. I couldn't tell him I was upset because real life was so much scarier than the show had been, but I expected he would know if I didn't tell him some semblance of the truth. I bit my lip for a second. "I'm worried about Regina. I've lost too many people in my life already, Doctor. What if she gets herself killed because I wasn't there to protect her or because she was out looking for me in all of this mess? Torchwood made her think I ran away and she has to know that I didn't. But what if she's not there?"

"Oh, I'm daft." The Doctor glanced around the room, zoning in on the corpses littered around. He must have realized why I was thinking of this now. He sighed, possibly thinking of the long list of people who wouldn't make it out of this war today. "Evie, I'm sorry. I should have realized. 'Course you're worried about her. I can't promise you that your Regina is okay, but I can promise you that I will help find her when this is over, whatever the case may be. I will get you out of here, one way or another."

"Doctor?" Pete's voice interrupted him and we both turned, seeing the impatient look upon the man's face. Of course he wanted to get out of here as fast as he could. This wasn't his world, after all. What did he care that my person could be in danger? "Are you ready?"

"Oh, yes!" The Doctor flashed me what I was sure was supposed to be a reassuring grin before taking off to one of the unoccupied computers, typing away. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I didn't quite believe him. This wasn't a television show anymore. There were no guaranteed happy endings here. Both versions of me, Paige and Evangeline, had plenty of experience with life not going quite the way we planned. I was still convinced that this would all go wrong in a minute. "The breach, slam it down and close off both universes."

The computed chimed quietly, announcing that it was beginning to reboot. Rose listened to it, then nudged the Doctor, confused. "But we can't just leave. What about the Daleks, and the Cybermen?"

Finishing whatever he had been doing on the computer, the Doctor stood, reaching into his jacket pocket for his 3D glasses once more. He was smiling at her, and her back at him. This episode had been painful to watch on television. Donna Noble may have been my favorite companion, but Rose had earned a spot in my heart when I had first watched the beginning seasons and even more so every time I went back to rewatch them. I sobbed like a baby every time she "died." But then it was just television. Her actress, Billie Piper, was alive and well, and it was all make-believe. That wasn't true anymore. There was no Billie Piper playing a part, just Rose looking at the Doctor like he was her world. And she had no clue that her world was going to get ripped apart.

"They're part of the problem," the Doctor was saying excitedly. Rose's grin was just as mad as his. "And that makes them part of the solution. Oh, yes! Isn't anyone going to ask what is it with the glasses?" He'd put them on how many times now, and no one had asked yet?

"What is it with the glasses?" Rose obliged with a chuckle.

"I can see, that's what!" He wiggled the glasses on his face, acting all the child that he truly was inside. He started gesturing his hands, almost mimicking what he was saying. "We've got two separate worlds, but in between the two separate worlds, we've got the Void. That's where the Daleks were hiding. And the Cybermen traveled through the Void to get here. And you lot, one world to another, via the void. Look." The Doctor pulled the glasses off his face and more or less mashed them onto Rose's, her hands coming up to straighten them out. "I've been through it. Do you see?"

He wiggled from side to side in front of Rose as she put a hand up, touching some invisible substance the rest of us couldn't see around his shape. "What is it?"

"Void Stuff."

"Like, um, background radiation?" she asked, turning her head down to look at the particles surrounding her own hand.

"That's it!" The Doctor spun her around to look at the rest of the group standing on the opposite side of them from me. "Look at the others. The only one who hasn't been through the Void, your mother. First time she's looked normal in all her life."

"Oi!"

Rose was still grinning as she made to turn back to the Doctor, but stopped when she noticed me standing there. There was a pause and a look of uncertainty. Why was she looking at me like that?

Wait, no… It couldn't be possible, could it?

Then she said the thing I was afraid she would say. "Even Evie has it, the Void Stuff. How is that possible?"

No, no. This couldn't be happening. But the vanishing smile on the Doctor's face told me it was. "Good question, Rose. I noticed that earlier, but it hadn't been the right time to ask." His voice was flat, and I could no longer read the look he was giving me. He stepped toward me, eyebrow raised, but it wasn't in the same lighthearted way it had been all the other times before today. The height difference between us felt menacing now and I found myself wanting to back up. "I think it's time for you to tell us who you really are, Evangeline Craine."

Why? Had it really been enough for my mind to travel between worlds to collect Void Stuff? It wasn't like my body, the one I was in now, had traveled between worlds. I could see Evangeline's memories, and I didn't see that at all. Think, Evie, think. "I don't suppose you'd believe that I don't know anything about what you're talking about?"

"No, I wouldn't. And don't lie to me." I didn't like having his dark eyes, full of suspicion, on me, like I was the enemy now. I had seen what the Doctor was capable of, had spent fourteen years seeing it. If he thought I was the enemy, what did that mean for me? He wasn't supposed to be scary, not to me.

I couldn't exactly tell him I was from a world where his life was a television show. I would know too much about his life, then, and I wasn't sure how he would react to that. He might leave me behind because I was a risk to his future, or he could take me but lock me up for the same reason. I didn't trust this world, wasn't entirely sure I trusted him, especially right now. I couldn't tell him; I wouldn't. But I also couldn't hide the fact that I was from another world now, either. "Guess I should have known I couldn't hide that for very long." It took me a second to realize I had said that out loud and not in my head, my nervousness making me voice things I shouldn't be. If it was possible, the Doctor's face grew even more suspicious. I glanced at the others, looking for a friendly face, someone who didn't think I was out to get them now. Jackie was the only one. I took a deep breath before focusing back on the Doctor. Careful, Evie. "Truth is, Doctor, that I lied earlier. When we were with Yvonne, you asked me if something strange happened two months ago. I didn't want to tell you. I didn't know you, only that you had magically appeared and decided I was worth helping. How was I to know if I told you the truth that you wouldn't turn me over to that bitch so she could cut into me some more? So I lied."

He looked like he wanted to argue, but must have realized there was a good reason for not telling him before. "I can accept that. What's the truth, then?"

Okay, so far so good. "Truth is, two months ago I was somebody else. I lived in New York, thirteen years from now. I assume it was a parallel world, like Petey and the Ghostbusters here." I could have sworn I saw a small smile at my term for the gang, but it was gone in a second. "Until one night I was driving to Lexa's house, she's my friend or was I guess I should say now. My car stalled in the middle of the road, just my terrible luck, and then a car came out of nowhere and hit me. I imagine that I died, the version of me from that world. Next thing I know, I'm here, in this world, in the body of a girl who looks exactly like me. Then Torchwood kidnapped me and you know the rest."

The Doctor didn't say anything for a long minute, but I held his gaze nonetheless. I may have left a piece of the story out, but what I had said was true. Finally, he nodded, his suspicious look softening into one of curiosity. "That would explain the Void Stuff. Part of you did come through the Void to get here, possibly because of the broken barriers between worlds. But why? Why wouldn't your mind have just died with your body?"

I wasn't sure if he was asking a legitimate question or just pondering out loud, but I shrugged, aching as I did. "No clue. I have no idea who I really am now. I've got two different lives running around in my head, and no idea why I'm here or why I don't exist."

"I believe you." I let out a breath when he said that, feeling my heartbeat start to slow with the realization that he wasn't angry. "But you should have told me earlier. You go by Evangeline, not your name from the other world?"

"No offense, Doctor," I told him, as if I hadn't already explained this. "Trust isn't something that comes easily to me, to either version of me. And yes, I go by Evie, _not_ Evangeline. People might have thought it weird if I suddenly started going by a different name."

"What about your home, the other world?"

I may have snorted a little too quickly because his eyebrow went up again. This wasn't something I was willing to get into right now. "Good riddance. I'm better here, or at least I was until Torchwood came along, and I'm going to leave it at that. Now, are there any other pressing questions, Doctor man, or should you get back to saving the world now? I've put a lot of effort into not dying and I would hate for that to be wasted."

But he still wouldn't drop the topic, his eyes still burning into mine. "You're diverting the question."

"I might be," I countered. "But that doesn't mean I'm wrong. We don't have time to get into this right now. I have no idea why I'm here, and I'm harmless. Even if I wasn't, I'm too tired and weak right now to cause any harm. Dealing with my issues is not worth risking the lives of everyone here. So what's your plan? Because I know you've got one."

Rose laid a hand on the Doctor's arm, causing him to _finally_ turn away from me. All the tension within me flooded out, leaving me with an exhausted desire to sit down and never get up again. "Evie's right, Doctor." I was? Rose was agreeing with me? "She seems harmless, for now anyway, and there are bigger problems to worry about."

He looked like he was debating for a moment, to continue pressing me for information or deal with the actual crisis at hand. Then, like a switch, he grinned, jogging past me to the white wall at the end of the room. "Void Stuff! The Daleks lived inside the Void. They're bristling with it. Cybermen, all of them. I just open the Void in reverse. The Void Stuff gets sucked back inside."

"Pulling 'em all in!" Rose exclaimed, thrilled with the idea.

Mickey cleared his throat, as if asking permission to interrupt the two of them. "Sorry, what's the Void?"

"The dead space. Some people call it hell."

I had been watching Rose this whole time, intrigued by her willingness to side with the girl the Doctor had been obsessed with for most of the day, and I saw the moment a terrible realization took hold of her. "But it's like you said. We've all got Void Stuff. Me too, because we went to the parallel world. We're all contaminated. We'll get pulled in."

As Rose pulled the glasses off of her face, letting them hang dejectedly at her side, the same realization slammed into me like the car that had killed me. I gasped and Rose caught my eye. I was covered in it, too… That meant I would get pulled in, just like they would. That meant I was at risk, just like them. I had worried earlier about what would happen if I got sucked into the Void with no one to catch me, but I hadn't believed it would happen. It had just been a paranoid worry. _This wasn't happening_. I braced myself against the unoccupied desk behind me as I struggled to take in a breath. No. If I wasn't sure before, I was positive now. The universe was out to get me.

The Doctor's hands were on Rose's shoulders, trying to comfort her. "That's why you've got to go, Rose. Back to Pete's World. I'm opening the Void, but only on this side. You'll be safe on that side."

"What about…" I started to ask, and choked on the tightness in my throat. As I collected my voice, the Doctor turned from Rose to walk the few steps over to me. Whatever curiosity and suspicion he'd been feeling a few moments ago was gone now. I was willing to wager that it was because he was losing Rose, not because he cared all that much about losing me. He hardly knew me. Why should he care? "What about me, Doctor? I've got this Void Stuff, too, apparently. That means I'll get pulled in, yeah? That's not fair. Haven't I been through enough?"

Tears welled in my eyes and I stubbornly pushed them back. Not now, not when I needed to focus. His voice was quiet, sad, when he spoke. "Oh, Evangeline Craine, you've been through enough for ten lifetimes. I should know." My world was falling apart, and here he was making jokes. I could have smacked him if I could lift my arms. "I'm sorry. I should have been here sooner, then maybe none of this would be happening. I'm so, so sorry that there isn't more I can do for you." Was he really saying this? This couldn't be real. He tilted his head towards where Jackie stood with Pete, but I couldn't look, couldn't think past the idea that I was being sent away. "You'll go with them, to Pete's World. Jackie will take care of you. That's one of the few things she's great at, taking care of others. She's been doing it all day. You'll be safe there, and they'll make sure you get the medical help you need right now." But Regina… As if reading my mind, he added, "I'll find Regina and tell her what happened. I'll make sure she knows you didn't leave her because you wanted to."

I couldn't even form words to argue as Pete spoke up again. "And then you close it, the breach, for good?" I caught Rose's eyes again, noticing that she was moving closer to me. I wanted to keep arguing with the Doctor, but the words wouldn't come. I had done it. I had survived Torchwood. I had met the Doctor and achieved my impossible dream, the one where he saved me from my nightmare of an existence. This was it, and I was going to lose it, just like I had lost everything else good in my life.

The Doctor apologized quietly to me one more time before walking away from me. "The breach itself is soaked in Void Stuff. In the end, it'll close itself. And that's it. Kaput."

Didn't he care that he had just destroyed me? No, I guessed not. Who was I, anyway? Just some random girl he had stumbled across. Just another side character in one of the episodes, never to be seen again. Would he think of me after this, of the impossible girl he had sent to another world? Or would I just be another name on the long list of people he couldn't save?

Rose was only a few inches from me now, as if the proximity to someone else suffering in the same way was comforting. "But you stay on this side?"

"But won't you get pulled in?" Mickey asked.

Forcing himself to look away from Rose, the Doctor ran back into Yvonne's office and came out with the Magna clamps. "That's why I got these. I'll just have to hold on tight. Been doing it all my life."

"I'm supposed to go," Rose's voice was thick with disbelief.

"Yeah." He still wouldn't meet her eyes, dropping the clamps on the floor once more and rushing off to one of the computer terminals.

"To another world, and then it gets sealed off."

"Yeah."

I could see how much pain the Doctor was in, how he was trying to distract himself so he didn't have to think about it. But a large part of me was so mad that I didn't care how much pain he was in. "Forever? That's not going to happen."

Before he could say anything in rebuttal, there was a loud sound, like a crash, and the entire building shook. I cried out as I placed too much pressure on my ankle and began to lose my balance, but Rose's hand was grabbing mine before I could fall to the floor. My whole body tensed and I almost ripped away from her, but forced myself to let her help me. It meant a lot that Rose was reaching out for me, that she was standing with me. She didn't normally like other women that the Doctor cared for, like Sarah Jane Smith, and she had been iffy of me before. For her to be siding with me now was big, and I didn't want to ruin that, as uncomfortable as her hand on mine made me feel.

Once the shaking stopped, Pete started rounding up all of his people. "We haven't got time to argue. The plan works. We're going. Both of you, too. All of us."

"No, I'm not leaving!" Rose argued, letting go of my hand once she was sure I was upright.

As Jackie and Pete began to argue, I quickly began scouring my brain for a plan, any plan. I couldn't go to Pete's World, I wouldn't. There had to be options. I could refuse to go and just stay here. Okay, so I had one option. I was pretty sure there weren't any others. I would just have to stay and hold on for dear life like Rose and the Doctor. It might be difficult with my arm the way it is, but I would manage, just like I always have in the past.

"If it helps," I said loudly, clearing my throat. The three of them stopped bickering and they all, including the Doctor, looked at me. "Which I'm sure it won't, I'm not going either." The Doctor opened his mouth, likely to protest, and I raised my voice. No, I would have my say. "I don't want to hear it, Doctor. This isn't happening. No, nope, no way. All aboard the not-gonna-happen train to fuck-that-ville." Rose smiled at me then, probably glad she wasn't the only one being difficult.

"Oi, language!" Jackie quickly protested, looking completely exasperated with everything going on.

"Sorry, Jackie," I nodded at her. "But I'm not going. Close your mouth, Doctor, because I don't care what you have to say." He finally shut his mouth at least, waiting for me to finish. "Do you know how many times I've switched worlds now? One. And that's enough for me. I'm not doing it again. It wasn't that big a deal, coming to this world and waking up as this person. I have nothing, and I mean _nothing_, waiting for me in my own world. But here I have Regina. I promised myself I would make it home to her, that I would survive Torchwood and get home to her, and I'll be damned if I let this make me break that promise. I am not going to another world that I don't belong in. I'm so tired of losing people I love and being the orphan girl, the unwanted girl. Besides, they probably have one of me over there already. It's not like Pete, where he belongs there, or Jackie or Mickey, whose versions of themselves died there. I don't need to see myself running around, or worse combine with a third person and have three minds inside of me." I was breathing hard now, unable to stop the words coming out. I was angry, and I was ranting. "So no, I'm not going. You promised me." The Doctor looked away at those words, and I said it again, louder, my voice starting to break. "You promised me, Doctor. You can't just send me away. _You promised me_."

"Evie's right," my head whirled as Rose spoke. I almost couldn't believe it. Rose was truly agreeing with me, giving me a nod of approval. "It's not fair for you to make this decision for Evie, or for me." She looked at her mother then, reading the conflict warring on Jackie's face. Above us, the computer announced its reboot starting in a minute. "I've had a life with you for nineteen years, Mum, but then I met the Doctor. And all the things I've seen him do for me, for you, for all of us. For the whole stupid planet and every planet out there. He does it alone, Mum. But not anymore, because now he's got me."

As Rose finished, I noticed Mickey walking up behind her with a yellow medallion in his hand. I opened my mouth to call out to her, but stopped when I noticed something was off. Where was the Doctor? He wasn't at this computer terminal anymore.

I got my answer as I felt something slide over my head, the metal chain of the medallion cold on the back of my neck. I spun, ignoring the stabbing pain in my ankle as I did, to see the Doctor standing behind me, looking miserable. He had just put one of the medallions on me. At the same time, I heard Rose starting to argue. My hands went up to the chain, ready to rip it off of me. "No, Doctor, don't you-" But I never got to finish.

There was a sudden sucking feeling, like putting your hand over the tube of a vacuum cleaner, over my whole body. Everything went dark for a split second, and then the bright white of the Lever Room was gone. In its place was a room that looked similar but was much darker and torn apart. "-dare." Where was I?

It took a second as I looked around at everyone else, seeing Pete take off his medallion, to realize I had gotten pulled along with them when Pete had hit his button. I was standing in Pete's Torchwood, the one they had taken down already.

I caught Rose's brown eyes as she looked at me. We didn't say anything, but some understanding passed between the two of us. We weren't going to stand for this. "He's not doing that to me again." Without saying goodbye, Rose placed both hands over her medallion and pushed down. She disappeared in a blip, there one second and gone the next.

Jackie looked positively shocked, unable to comprehend what that meant just yet. As I placed my good hand over my own button, I gave her a grateful smile. "Jackie, thank you for everything you've done today. It means a lot to me that you looked after me this whole time, even when you had Rose to worry about. You helped me see that there are still decent people out there, not just people like Torchwood." Before she could react, I gave a nod to Mickey quickly. I had to go before they did anything to prevent me. "Mickey, thanks for being a kind face this whole time, even though you couldn't stop them, and for your help getting around earlier. I'm sure you guys would have taken care of me, but this isn't my world. Please have a good life, but I've got to go back." Before any of them could respond, I pushed down hard on the button at my chest.

The sucking feeling returned, and then I was blinking my eyes against the bright light of the original Torchwood. My stomach flipped inside of me. "That's the exact reason I don't do roller coasters," I groaned as I took my good hand and ripped the medallion from around my neck, flinging it across the room. I wish they hadn't done that. Transporting between worlds has only made me feel worse than I did before. Now I was slightly nauseous again and my head hurt.

I had materialized in the same spot I had been in before, a few feet away from Rose. The Doctor, standing near one of the computers, looked between the two of us. He looked angry, but I had a feeling he was more scared than anything else. He marched over to grab Rose by the shoulders. "Once the breach collapses, that's it. You will never be able to see her again, your own mother!"

Rose took a deep breath before responding. Her voice was sad, but solid. "I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never going to leave you."

Seeing the resolve in her eyes, the Doctor looked to me, backing up from the blonde. "This is your final choice, Evie? You could die here, truly die. No more jumping to other versions of yourself."

I shrugged, immediately regretting it as my arm throbbed. "I've died once already. No big deal."

"This isn't a joke." He raised his voice now, yelling.

"Don't you think I know that?" I argued, my own voice raising to match his. "I don't want to die, Doctor, but what other choice do I have? If I stay there, I lose everything. Again. That's happened to me more times than I care to count now and I won't do it again." Having made my point, I softened my tone and limped to stand before him, challenging him to disagree with me. "Sure, Jackie probably would have taken care of me. But I'm just another orphan girl there who doesn't belong. Here, I have someone. Here, I can help save the world and maybe do something worthwhile with my life for once. Even if it kills me, at least I tried."

Though his furrowed brow made him look angry, the twitch in his lip showed how hard he was trying to look stern. He was relieved, I'm sure, underneath it. Though I was positive he was mainly relieved that Rose had come back. Would he have cared this much if I had come back without her?

"We're staying," Rose told him. "What can we do to help?"

The computer's robotic voice chimed once more. "Systems rebooted. Open access."

"Those coordinates over there," the Doctor snapped, walking past us to the computer he was using before. "Set them all at six, and hurry up!"

I limped behind Rose as we made our way to the computer he'd pointed at. I leaned against the desk for support while she began to type, watching her and gesturing to the space for her to set the coordinates. We worked in silence for a moment until Rose glanced over at the Doctor. Seeing that he was occupied, she paused her typing to talk. "I'm sorry if I acted sort of cold earlier."

I couldn't help but smile at her, a little surprised by her apology. It wasn't as if we had interacted all that much since we'd met up downstairs. "Don't worry about it, Rose. You had no idea who I was, and it's been a weird day for everyone." She seemed grateful that I wasn't upset about it and proceeded to keep typing. "Besides, you're clearly in love with him, so I understand why you were hesitant."

She paused again, meeting my eyes with a pursed smile. She didn't ask me how I knew, only said, "Okay, but so are you."

I sputtered a bit, taken back by her response. I started to tell her that I wasn't, but I couldn't. She was right, at least partially. Could he hear us right now? I lowered my voice in hopes that he wouldn't catch every word. "I'm not in love with him, Rose. I don't know him well enough to be." Rose seemed doubtful, shaking her head as I rebuked her claim. "Besides, love… It's a foreign concept to me. When it's hard to trust, well, anything, it's difficult to understand what love even means. It's more like… I love the idea of him. It's hard to explain. But I need him to help me figure out why I don't exist, and that's more important than anything else."

"If you say so, Evie. Okay, done." Finished with the coordinates, Rose stood up straight. She was about my height and her eyes came level to mine. "I'm going to ask you something, and you can't argue. Just listen." I nodded, not liking where this was going. Rose was asking me, a girl she hardly knew, for a favor? "I know there's more to you than you're letting on." Oh, this was already going in a bad direction. "I can see it when you look at him, like he's something impossible and magnificent all at the same time. Like you can't believe he's real. It's the same way I look at him, or so I've been told." I really hoped the Doctor wasn't listening in on this. "I can see it in the way you've taken all of this in. You're hiding something, but that isn't important right now. For whatever reason, I trust you."

Rose trusted me? I was glad to know that, glad that I had made a good impression on someone at least, but I was confused. Where was all this leading to?

True to what she had asked me to do, I stayed silent while she continued. "If something happens to me, Evie," she paused here, casting a glance back at the Doctor again. Whether she was checking to make sure he was still busy or just taking in the sight of him, I wasn't sure. "I want you to take care of him." I opened my mouth to argue, doubtful that I had even heard her correctly. "No arguments, just listen. The Doctor can't be alone. He was alone when I met him, and he wasn't in a good place. He was hurting. I still don't know all of the details, but I helped him heal some. But he can't go back to that, back to what he was before." Rose reached out and grabbed my left hand here. I was in so much shock over her words I barely registered the touch. "He needs someone there with him, to argue with him and pull him back when he goes too far, to keep him company. He'll never say it, but he gets lonely. So, please, if something happens to me, take care of him."

My mind was boggled at her request. This was a big, a colossal, deal for her. She loved the Doctor. He was the most important person to her, her most prized possession. And she was turning over care of him to me? To this girl that she hardly knew, who had just revealed she was hiding secrets? I didn't even know if the Doctor would take me with him when this was over, if I wasn't dead by that point, but Rose was trusting me with him. Did she have some kind of inkling that something bad was going to happen? I swallowed hard, feeling the weight of her request on me. What else could I do but nod? "Of course, I'll do my best."

Rose squeezed my hand before her eyes flickered back to the screen on the desk. "We've got Cybermen on the way up."

"How many floors down?"

"Just one."

The Doctor jogged over to us, confirming what Rose had said. Reaching past her, he typed at a few keys on the keyboard, making the computer announce, "Levers operational."

He looked much happier now and grinned up at the both of us. "That's more like it. Bit of a smile. The old team, plus one," Rose said as the Doctor walked over to retrieve the Magna clamps and returned.

"I was going to say Shiver and Shake, but they're missing a third." The Doctor joked, and I felt a pang in my chest, despite the smile he brought to my face. He wouldn't be smiling for long.

I could only hope that real life wouldn't turn out like the episode did and that nothing worse than the episode happened. "What about the Three Musketeers, or the Ghostbusters before they added a fourth member?" I joked along with them, hoping to lighten the nervous tightness in my chest.

"The Three Amigos!" We both cringed at the Doctor's team name. Taking one of the Magna clamps in his hands, he shoved it into Rose's arms. Then he turned to me, his eyes focusing on the blood-soaked bandage that was getting bloodier every time I looked at it. "I'm sorry, Evie, but you're going to have to hold on for your life. It's going to hurt in your condition, but if you slip you'll fall into the Void. I won't be able to save you."

"I understand," I told him. I had signed up for this, after all. "I've been in pain for most of my life and after what Torchwood put me through for the last month, what's a little more?"

He didn't respond, instead taking his clamp and walking over to one of the walls behind where the levers were positioned. This was it. I would either survive and make it out of here to find Regina, or I would get sucked into the Void. Like he had said, I just had to hold on for my life. Rose and I followed to the other wall. Rose mimicked him, placing the clamp on the wall and pressing the red button on the bottom to get it to stick. "Evie, what side are you on?" the blonde asked as she gave the clamp a tug to make sure it was secure.

"Yours." As much as the Whovian in me would love to be on the Doctor's side, I thought the extra hands might be useful over here. I knew what was "supposed" to happen here, but maybe there was something I could do about it.

"When it starts, hold on tight." The Doctor locked his elbow around the clamp's handle to demonstrate. "Shouldn't too bad for us, but the Daleks and Cybermen are steeped in Void Stuff." He and Rose both walked around to the front of their respective levers and I placed my left hand above Rose's, getting ready to help her lift it up. "Are you ready?"

Rose pointed at the window behind us and I followed her gaze. "So are they." Outside, a group of Daleks were making their way towards us, having detected the breach opening up.

"Let's do it!" As the Doctor shouted, I began pulling on the lever as Rose pushed, raising it until it pointed straight up at the ceiling. Together, we both locked our arms around the Magna clamp. I wrapped the elbow of my right arm around it and grasped it with my left hand, knowing my right arm was too weak to rely on grabbing it with both hands.

Within seconds, the breach was glowing as if the sun was shining behind it and a wind was picking up. It didn't take much for Daleks and Cybermen to begin floating past us, getting pulled into the Void. Like the Doctor had said, they were steeped in it, whereas we had a minuscule amount compared to them. Even then, after a moment, I could feel my feet being lifted off the ground and being pulled back toward the wall with the aliens. It was like being in the worst wind storm I could imagine, but instead of feeling like I was being pushed in a direction it felt like I was being sucked in, molecule by molecule. The feeling of being up against a vacuum cleaner from before, when I had popped over to Pete's World and back, returned. Is this what a tornado would feel like?

I noticed the immense pain in my ankle first, the pulling sensation making it feel like someone was trying to rip my foot off. Then I was aware of the strain on my arm, the handle of the clamp starting to press into the painful area of my forearm as I held on tightly. Spots were starting to cloud my vision and it was all I could do to keep from screaming. My arm, wet from the sweat of my fever and the blood leaking through my bandages, started to slip and I quickly readjusted, gritting my teeth through the extra pain that brought on. So much for not being so bad for us.

I glanced over at the Doctor as I heard him yell something, but couldn't make out the words. His legs were long enough that he was able to use the base of the lever to prop his legs against. Rose and I weren't that lucky, too short to reach. Daleks and Cybermen flew past us in a blur, part of me scared that one of them would crash into me and take me with it.

My arm slipped again as sparks flew out of the lever on our side. My heart sank as, with wide eyes, we both watched the lever begin to slide backwards. "Offline," the computer voice said. No, this wasn't fair. I had been hoping that things would be different, but I guess I wasn't lucky enough for things to be different in a good way.

With my right arm hooked around the clamp, I stretched my left arm out towards the lever, hoping if I could snag it then we would all be fine. It was just out of my reach, my fingers almost touching it for a second before it was moving out of my arm span. The extra strain on my right arm sent a blinding surge of pain through me and I screamed.

"Evie, don't!" Rose was yelling over the sound of the wind. Already I could feel the suction starting to lessen, the enemies flying past more slowly than before. She was shaking her head at me. "You can't! You won't make it, not like that!" Before I could protest, Rose was reaching her arm out. Her one hand held on to the clamp handle while her other one grabbed at the lever but, as with me, it was just beyond her extended reach.

Then she was slipping and, with a shriek, lost hold of the clamp altogether. Her fingers managed to land on the lever, keeping her from getting sucked into the Void. Yet. I dared a glance at the Doctor, at the horrified look on his face. This was what was supposed to happen, but that didn't make it right.

Rose gritted her teeth as she fought against the pulling of the breach to push the lever back up. It didn't take her long to get it, hearing an "Online and locked" confirming it was stable again. But now all Rose had to hold on to was the lever, and I could see her grip starting to slip.

I wasn't going to just stand here and do nothing. I wouldn't just let this happen. Who said this was how it had to be? I quickly switched hands, hooking my left elbow around the clamp and extending my right to Rose. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on to both of us with just my right arm hooked to the clamp, but maybe I could hold on to Rose with my right arm long enough for the breach to close. I had to try _something_.

I caught Rose's terrified eyes and reached my hand towards her as far as it would go. "Grab on!" With a nod, Rose threw one hand forward, her other hand still wrapped around the lever, and barely managed to land her palm in mine. I gasped at the pain, but refused to let go. I had no idea how this might change the future, if this worked, but I wasn't about to just let Rose go.

I'd had no choice but to offer Rose my injured arm, and now I was struggling to wrap my hand around hers tightly enough. The limb was too weak and grab her properly and I could feel her beginning to slip already. "Just hold on! It's almost over!" I tried to clasp my fingers around the base of her hand but I couldn't get them to close all the way. Just a little bit longer; the number of aliens flying past us was starting to lessen.

The hand Rose had on the lever slipped off without warning and I screamed out at the extra strain on my arm. As if in slow motion, I watched with a sinking feeling as she reached for me with her free hand, as I lost the grip on the hand I was already holding onto, and Rose no longer had anything to keep her in place.

With a heart-wrenching scream, Rose was pulled backwards. All I could see in my mind was a vision of her vanishing into the breach with the Daleks and Cybermen. I failed, and she was going to die because of it.

A split second before she would have fallen into the breach, a person blinked into existence. Pete Tyler appeared just in time for Rose to crash into him, his arms wrapping around her with a medallion in hand. Rose was able to cast one last glance back at her Doctor before Pete was gone again, taking his daughter with him. Just like that, Rose Tyler was gone.

I screamed, my voice erupting out of me in anger and despair. I was angry, so, so angry. Angry at my father for being the reason I was out the night that I died. Angry at Torchwood for kidnapping me and putting me in this position. Angry at myself for not being able to do more. I screamed until my throat was raw and the wind from the breach had begun to die down.

My legs slowly lowered back down to the floor and I collapsed, my arms sliding off the clamp and to the floor with the rest of me. Across the floor, the Doctor made his way to the wall, silently, the grief he was feeling clear on his face. I was so tired of everything. All I wanted to do was sleep. I closed my eyes, needing a moment. I regretted it almost instantly, seeing the terrified look on Rose's face as she fell back toward the breach playing on repeat behind my eyelids.

I didn't want to rush the Doctor, but I didn't want to stay here either. "I guess we should get out of here, Doctor?" There was no response and I opened my eyes to locate him. He was probably too upset to speak. But when I looked around he was nowhere to be found. "Doctor?"

I heard something that sounded like it came from the hallway. An elevator ding? "Doctor!" Was he leaving? What about me? I forced myself to my feet, grunting through my gritted teeth as I had to use my ankle again. Then I was running, if you could call the half hop-half limp I was doing running, to the door and into the hallway. I managed to catch a glimpse of his back through the closing elevator doors. I called his name again, frantically. No, no, no, this was not good. He couldn't just forget about me.

There was a second elevator and I pushed the buttons in a panic once I made it there. Thankfully the elevator was already at this floor and it opened right up. I threw myself in, mashing the buttons for the ground floor where the storage bay was. "Doctor!" I tried calling his name again, my throat sore from doing so much screaming already. "Move faster, damn it!" He had to hear me. He couldn't just leave!

When the elevator doors finally opened, I already knew it was too late. The TARDIS was already making that famous wheezing sound when I stepped out, but I ran to the storage bay anyway. I threw open the double doors just in time to see the last of the faded TARDIS image disappearing into the air. It had just finished dematerializing.

"_Doctor_!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, hoping he would hear me like he had heard Donna that one time in the show. I screamed his name again, and again, so many times I lost count. But he didn't come back.

I stood there, my body aching all over, waiting, and hoping. He had to come back. He had to. He promised me he would get me out of here. He promised me. _He promised_. He couldn't just leave me here. He wouldn't do that. The Doctor wouldn't do that.

"Come back…" I begged, my voice breaking, already thick with tears.

Most of the storage bay around me was destroyed, blown to bits by Daleks and Cybermen and soldiers. Dead Cybermen and soldiers littered the ground, and I tried to block them out as I found a relatively unharmed box near me. I fell back onto it. With the last of my energy, I pulled my knees up to my chest, resting my feet on the edge of the box, and buried my face in them. Hopeless, I let the gate on my tears open and began to sob.

I cried, my heart aching just as much as the rest of my body. How could he have left me here? He had to come back, he had to…

I don't know how long I sat there, waiting. I thought maybe if I waited long enough, he would realize his mistake and return for me. I sat there long enough that my tears ran dry, and I knew he wasn't coming. If he hadn't come by now, he wasn't coming at all. I'd been forgotten about, or maybe he had never truly cared. This was real life now, after all, not some stupid television show. He had done what he said he would do, and that was save me from Torchwood. Past that, he had never truly promised anything, really. I shouldn't be surprised.

Being let down by the people around me wasn't a new concept, to either of the people inside of me. Despite how many times it had happened, it was shocking how much it still hurt. It sucked how much _this_ one hurt.

There was a reason I didn't trust people. I thought, at least, the Doctor… I had been wrong. There was a _good_ reason I didn't trust people.

Fine. If he wasn't coming back, there was no sense in sticking around. Who knew how long it would take for someone to come check out the remains of Torchwood? Who knew if another Torchwood was coming to take over? I wasn't going to stay here long enough to find out.

Using my left hand, I angrily wiped the tears from my cheeks and slid off the box, planting both feet on the ground. I forced myself to ignore the pain, just as I had done with all the pain in my life before this.

Leaving the destroyed storage bay, I started walking, back to Evangeline's life, back to Regina.


	8. How Could You?

Chapter 8: How Could You?

_~"Being stubborn can be a good thing. Being stubborn can be a bad thing. It just depends on how you use it."~_

_Willie Aames_

I was all alone. Again.

The streets of London were as bad as I had imagined them to be when I finally made my way out of the Torchwood tower. It was going to be a long walk back to Regina's, but I had no other choice. I just hoped I didn't keel over before I got there. Every single fiber of my being felt like it was being stabbed over and over again with tiny, sharp knives. I tried to block it out as best as I could in order to pick my way through the debris, hoping I would remember the correct way back with everything destroyed and looking different.

Destruction littered the roads, the parks, the estates, everything. Buildings were missing pieces where the Daleks or the Cybermen had shot lasers and those pieces sat on top of cracked pavement now. Telephone poles and traffic lights had been knocked over, strewn across the ground. Most seemed dead, though some made the hissing sound of electricity as I carefully wound my way through the rubble. Cars sat abandoned on the side of the road. The vast majority of them were destroyed, riddled with laser or bullet holes, and flattened from poles and debris. A handful of them weren't damaged beyond repair, but had been ditched during the attack. I briefly wondered if I could steal one, if the keys were still there, but there was no way of driving through all the wreckage, no way of steering in the state that I was in.

Every few minutes I passed by a dead body. Men, women, children… I recognized a few of them from places I'd been. Customers at the cafe, employees from shops, even a few people that I registered from Evangeline's memories but that I had never personally seen myself. No Regina, at least. That didn't mean she wasn't here, though. I tried not to look at the bodies for longer than I had to. Part of me wanted to take a tally, wondering how many of them had died because I had held up the Doctor with all of my issues.

The Doctor... He was supposed to save me. How could I have been so stupid? To think that I ever thought he would have taken me with him… I wasn't Rose. Of course he didn't want me. I was just a girl he had felt badly for, had taken pity on. And like so many times before, I had been left behind: the unwanted girl.

I had no way of keeping track of time as I limped through the London destruction. I was so tired I was barely able to keep track of where I was going. I knew it had to be after eight, though, because it was starting to get dark out. When our housing complex finally came into view, I nearly sobbed and picked up speed, moving as fast as my failing body would allow me to go. "Please be okay…"

The building was relatively unharmed, I realized as I came closer. There were a few areas that looked worse for wear, a couple broken lights and destroyed fire hydrant in the front. But the building was intact. A wave of relief washed over me, just as the water spewing from the fire hydrant washed over my feet, soaking the bottom of my scrub pants.

I hobbled to the elevator only to realize I wouldn't be able to use it. Torchwood had taken all of my belongings, including my keys to use the lift. I doubted anyone was coming down the elevator considering how late it was getting and everything that had happened today, which meant I was climbing stairs. Thankfully we only lived on the third floor. I could survive that. Giving the steps a dirty look, I trudged over to them and began hauling myself up.

By the time I dragged myself up the three flights, I was breathing hard and sweating worse than before. My stomach growled, startling me. How long had it been since I had eaten something, or had something to drink? No wonder I was exhausted. Not only had I been torn apart, but I was dehydrated on top of it.

I was almost there. Our flat was halfway down the row to the right of the stairs, sixth door. The moment I reached the door, I knocked. I waited a moment, and knocked again. Another moment went by. Where was she? She had to be here. _She had to be_. I was starting to worry now. What if Regina was lying dead on the ground somewhere like one of the bodies I had passed by? What if Regina _was_ one of the bodies I had passed by and I hadn't noticed? Could I even recognize her if she was, or would she be one of the ones so damaged that I couldn't tell? Oh, god, Regina. I was going to be sick.

I knocked again, harder, and didn't stop. My fist pounded against the door. "Regina!" Please, you have to be home. You have to be alive. The Doctor isn't here. What will I do if she's gone, too?

I stopped abruptly when I heard a shuffling, then the sound of a lock clicking. The door swung open, my fist still raised in the air, ready to pound again. Regina's wide brown eyes stared at me from the doorway. _Regina_. She was okay. She was _alive_. "Regina-" What could I say that would even begin to explain where I had been the last month?

"Evie?" Regina's arms were around me in a second, wrapping me tightly and pulling me into her. Warmth and a familiar scent of vanilla enveloped me, even as my body tensed at the touch. "You're safe. I'm so glad that you're safe. You have no idea how hard I've been looking for you. I thought something had happened…" An unpleasant tingling sensation was taking over now, like pin pricks all over, and it wasn't long before I couldn't bear it anymore. I pulled back, out of her arms. Her eyes instantly started scanning me, reminding me of the way the Doctor had looked over me when he first saw me. Before he had left me behind at Torchwood.

The smile she'd had upon seeing me fell as Regina took in my injuries and pale skin. "Evie… What happened to you? You look like you've been through a grinder. Did the aliens do this? Where have you been all this time? The police said you had run away, but I knew that couldn't be true."

"No," I could barely breathe out the word as I sidestepped around Regina to enter the flat. She let me pass, closing the front door behind me. The flat looked the same, mostly. The furniture was all the same and it appeared as though the Daleks and Cybermen had never been here, but there were flyers piled all around the living room. I wandered over to one, absently letting my fingers drift over the pile stacked high. My face, or rather Evangeline's face, watched me from the page. They were missing posters. I didn't personally recognize the picture, but my memories of being Evangeline did as a picture we had taken together at the Thames River last year around my birthday. She hadn't stopped looking for me, after all. I was glad to know I'd been right about that, at least.

Regina was still standing near the door, watching me. Tears were beginning to streak down her cheeks, in relief I could guess. She was waiting for me to say more, to elaborate on where I had been and why I had disappeared without a word. "I'm alive, Regina. I'm fine." Her eyes flickered to my arm, bloody bandage and all, as if silently protesting my claim. I opened my mouth to explain, but nothing came out. It was then, as I continued to look around the flat, the only place I had felt safe in a very long time, that I realized, "I can't stay."

Her strawberry blonde eyebrows furrowed as she took a step toward me. "What do you mean, Evie? Of course you can stay. This is your home." When I didn't say anything, she added softly, "What happened? Talk to me, Dove."

I wasn't sure I could even begin to put it into words. My brain was working at a million miles a minute. Yvonne had been right. I was a scientific anomaly, still an impossible girl. Torchwood being destroyed didn't change that fact, and it didn't mean that there weren't any others out there who would try to get to me because of it. What if there were other organizations, like UNIT, or aliens, who would be out to get me? Torchwood was the first, but I had a feeling they wouldn't be the last. "I can't, Regina. I can't stay." It broke my heart to say it, but I had to go.

She shook her head, reaching an arm out for me to pull me into another hug. I stepped back again, averting my eyes from the look of hurt on her face. "You're being serious. No, you're staying here. This is your home, Evie. You belong here with me."

Except that I didn't, not anymore. I hadn't belonged here with her for two months now. "You have no idea how much I wish that were true, Regina." What could I say that would get her to accept this, to believe me? It wasn't as if I could tell her the truth. I couldn't exactly tell her that I was a girl from another world who had merged with her Evangeline and was now being hunted by organizations like Torchwood. Even Regina might have touted me off to the loony bin for that one. "I can't tell you what happened. But I'm in trouble. It's not my fault; I didn't do anything wrong." I had nothing to do with what was happening to me, but that didn't mean I was safe. Torchwood had proved that. "But something happened, and now there are people after me. And if I stay here it will only put you in danger and I wouldn't be able to stand it if something happened to you."

I could tell by the shake of her head that Regina was in denial. "What do you mean danger?" She took a step closer to me, reaching for me, and I all but jumped backwards. I knew Regina, I could trust her. I was pretty sure, at least, that I could trust her. But it was too soon to be hugged again and be trapped in an embrace. Her hand dropped when she met my eyes, seeing the wild look that surely must have been there. "Evie, Dove, I don't understand. Whatever kind of trouble you're in, we can work it out together. I promise. Remember? That's what I signed up for when I adopted you. You aren't alone anymore. You don't have to handle this by yourself." Oh, how I wished that were true. I didn't want to be alone. I had thought the Doctor… But that didn't matter now. He was gone. "I'm supposed to protect you, not the other way around."

Regina watched me, waiting for a response. Waiting for me to change my mind and say I would stay. While I worked out what I could possibly say to make this better, I found my eyes drifting around. The kitchen was off to the left, where Regina would bake cookies at least once a month and pretend to be upset that I was eating the cookie dough. The living room, with the reclining couch where I would constantly fall asleep on Regina as we watched a movie. Her bedroom was down the hall across from mine, and for the first month after being adopted I had slept with Regina in her bed, needing to feel safe for once.

Except that all of those memories, they weren't me. They were Evangeline. This was Evangeline's home. I may have decided to keep Evangeline's name, but her memories would never be truly _mine_. In the month that I had stayed here, I had grown close to Regina, edged on by Evangeline's memories and feelings. And it was the Evangeline side of me that had me taking another step closer to the hallway behind me. "I'm sorry, but I have to do this. This is the best home I've ever had, Regina, and I can't thank you enough." The best home in either world, truly. "I don't want to go, you have to believe that. But I would rather die than see you get hurt because of me. I'll come back, tons I promise. I'll come back to see you. But I can't stay here, not anymore. Not until I figure out what's going on."

My chest was tight and my voice was thick with all the emotions I couldn't name. Not for the first time in either of the lives inside of me, my home was being ripped away from me. Every time I think that I've found a safe place to rest my head, it gets ripped away. How was this fair? How many more times would I have to go through something like this? "I'm going to pack some things. Then I should get going."

She spoke, her voice breaking, as I turned to walk down the hallway. "There's nothing I can do to stop you, is there?"

I shook my head, unable to say anything else at the moment as I choked my sadness down. If I stayed here much longer, I knew I wouldn't be able to leave. Without another word, I limped down the hall to my bedroom.

The bedroom was exactly the way I had left it an entire month ago. Really, I should say Evangeline's bedroom. I had come to enjoy the time I spent here during the month I'd been with Regina, but it would never truly be my room. A very large part of me would miss this room and would miss Regina, and it made sense. Half of me was Evangeline, after all. This was the right thing to do, though. Regina would only be in danger if I stayed.

Pulling Evangeline's duffle bag from the closet, I tossed it on the bed and considered what to pack. Packing light would be essential since I didn't know when I would be able to find somewhere safe to stay. I wasn't sure I could carry something heavy right now anyway. I could barely move my right arm as it was. I didn't need much anyway. Every turn and step throughout the room had me gritting my teeth against the pain and the nausea forming in my stomach, but if Regina saw how bad I actually was she would never let me leave.

What would I need? I tossed in a pair of pajamas and two changes of clothes. I opted to leave my ugly Torchwood scrubs on, no matter how much I hated them, because the idea of contorting my aching body and throbbing limbs in and out of clothing made me want to hurl. There was no way I was going to squeeze my swollen ankle into a pair of shoes so I stayed barefoot, tossing a pair of sneakers into the duffle bag. I wasn't sure why but I added the framed picture of Evangeline and Regina taken at the adoption office on the day Evangeline's adoption had been finalized. I didn't have any pictures of my mom, left behind in the other world, and that was as close as I would get to a family picture. Thinking of Regina, I grabbed a stuffed bear off of the bed. Regina had given it to Evangeline when she, or I, had first been placed with her family as a foster child. It reminded me of a stuffed bear my mother had given me in my world, and I had slept with it every night until Torchwood had taken me. Now, it would remind me of Regina. What else? This was probably all of the necessities, or at least the ones I was willing to carry with me.

Before I left the room, my eyes landed on the bed once more. At the foot, on top of a thick blanket, sat Evangeline's notebooks. She had liked to doodle and scribbling down notes for music was something we both had in common. The notebooks were filled with her writing, but I had filled a few pages in the weeks living here. I added the notebooks and, with an afterthought, the blanket. If I got stuck sleeping outside, the blanket would be useful. The last supplies I added were a toothbrush, toothpaste, and a hairbrush from the bathroom in the hallway.

Before leaving the bathroom, I realized now might be my only chance to change the bandage on my arm for awhile. Getting the first aid kit out of the medicine cabinet, I stood in front of the sink. The medicine cabinet door hung open, hiding the mirror from my face. I wasn't ready to see the toll that Torchwood had taken on me just yet. A surge of nausea took over my stomach as I unwrapped the old, soaked bandage from my arm, revealing the bloody, infected mess that was underneath. My whole forearm was inflamed at this point and a yellowish substance was starting to form inside of the wound.

"Can I at least make you something to eat before you go?" Regina's voice asked from the doorway as I reached for the clean wrap of gauze from the first aid kit. "I still don't understand why-" Her eyes went wide as they landed on my arm and her voice went up several octaves. She was in her Mom Freakout Mode now. In two steps she was at my side, her hand gripping my arm to get a better look.

The moment her fingers placed pressure on my arm, I let out a yelp. That wasn't good, I realized as she instantly yanked her hand back, like I was a fire and she had just been burned. She had only grabbed my elbow and yet it hard hurt just as much as if she had touched the wound itself. The infection was starting to spread, then.

Her voice was shrill as I tuned her back in, the intense flash of pain dissipating. "That's it, I'm taking you to the hospital."

"No, you're not," I told her through gritted teeth. I couldn't speak for a moment as I began wrapping the gauze around the wound, keeping it in place with some medical tape. Not the best bandage, but it would have to do for the time being. "The hospitals are bound to be busy enough with everything that just happened and all the injured people and dead bodies. I can't go to a hospital right now anyway." The idea of a hospital sent a wave of panic through me, and I knew both sides of me were causing it. The Evangeline side of me who had been locked up in a hospital and mental institution for a year. Then there was the Paige side of me who'd had enough of hospitals and seeing her mother waste away in one. And, of course, there was the combined me who had just spent a month in Torchwood.

There were going to be people out there looking for me, whoever those people might be, and going to a hospital would only make it easier to find me. Not to mention that I would be carted off for even more experimentation once the doctors realized they couldn't run any tests on me. Just like Torchwood, I'd become someone else's lab rat. No thanks.

Regina looked like she wanted to argue, and I just couldn't do it anymore. "I'm sorry that you don't understand. It's not your fault. But things have changed and it's not safe."

She was starting to tear up now, likely hurt that I was leaving and scared for me at the same time. "What happened to you, Evie? What is so terrible that you can't tell me?"

"I wish I could tell you, but I can't. It'll only put you in danger." With my heart clenched painfully inside my chest, I turned away from her and limped over to the bathroom closet where we kept the towels. There should be an ankle brace in the closet somewhere from the time that Regina tore a tendon shoveling snow. It took a moment of searching and moving bottles of shampoo and body wash around but I eventually found it. Using the tub as a footrest, I propped my leg up and slid the ankle brace over my left foot. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out, sure that Regina would revisit the hospital idea if I did, as it touched the swollen skin. I saw spots when I tied the ankle brace tightly, doing my best to ensure that my ankle wouldn't keep shifting and doing more damage as I walked. I had no idea how long it would be before I could get my injuries taken care of properly, and these quick fixes would have to do for now.

Regina watched me as I returned to the hallway, already silently mourning the loss of what I had thought would become my home, and picked up the duffel bag that I had left sitting against the wall. "Are you leaving already? But you just got back."

I nodded grimly. "Yeah, I don't have much of a choice." Sure, Torchwood had just been taken out, but that didn't mean someone else wasn't aware of my presence already. I certainly didn't trust the universe not to screw me over again so soon. I made my way out to the living room, searching for some sort of goodbye that would make this suck less. I couldn't think of one. "I'll call, though. And I'll come back to visit. Please try not to worry."

Regina followed after me, wiping at her eyes. "Of course I'm going to worry. You're everything to me."

When she opened her arms to embrace me, I let her. It was painful everywhere and my skin crawled uncomfortably, making me wonder how long it would take me to recover from Torchwood enough that I could be touched normally again, but I knew she needed to hug me one last time. The Evangeline side of me needed it, too. "You're everything to me, too, Regina. That's what I have to go. I'll call as soon as I can."

After a moment, I pulled back and out of her arms. Would Regina ever be able to understand why I was doing this? Turning away from her, I slung the duffle bag over my left shoulder and opened the door. "Goodbye, Regina." I pulled the door shut behind me with a resounding finality.

I couldn't even take one step before I hesitated. Was I sure I wanted to do this? I was positive that Regina was standing on the other side of the door, just waiting for me to turn around and change my mind. I didn't want to do this. Regina was comfortable and warm, familiar. I wanted to stay. But… could I forgive myself if something happened to her because of me? No, I was positive I wouldn't be able to.

With a deep breath, I forced my legs to take the first step away from the door, then another. I could do this. I had to. But where was I supposed to go? I wasn't familiar with London enough to know if there were any shelters around, and I had no phone to look them up. The shelters were probably full from all the madness today, anyway. A very large part of me wanted to cry again, and I refused. I had done enough of that lately.

~X~

With nowhere else to go, I began absently wandering around London. I just picked a direction and walked. Some streets were worse than others, like the one with the piled up car accident that I had to bypass because there was no way through. Street after street, I picked my way through the aftermath, feeling like I was in a fog.

It was getting hard to form complete thoughts anymore. On the bright side, the pain was starting to disappear, replaced with a numbing coldness throughout my body. On the not so bright side, I realized that the pain going away was _not_ a positive thing. Was I going to die? I almost laughed at how ironic that would be. I had survived a month of hell at Torchwood, had survived the Daleks and the Cybermen, and now I was going to die on the street with everyone else because of my injuries.

Why? I couldn't stop the question from ricocheting around in my brain, unwelcomed. Why had the Doctor left me behind?

So many shops I passed by were destroyed. Some were just dark, probably abandoned with all hell broke loose. Aside from the dead bodies I would be joining soon, there was almost no one on the street. It was better that way. Less people to notice me and the fact that I was quickly spiraling downhill. What I wouldn't have given to be able to just lay down, even if it meant taking a nap on the rubble around me, but my legs stubbornly kept moving forward.

How long had I been wandering around for? I knew it had to be after eight when I finally made it out of Torchwood because it was dark outside, and would wager it had probably taken me an hour to get back to Regina's, at least. It had to be at least after ten by now. My body was starting to feel slower and slower as I went. At least the blanket would come in handy. The pain was almost entirely gone now, and my body shivered uncontrollably in its absence. At some point, I would have to find a place to sleep. I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep going for. Without a wallet and without any money, a hotel was out of the question. An alley would probably be my best choice, if I could find one that wasn't destroyed or filled with dead bodies. If I died tonight, people would probably assume I had kicked the bucket with everyone else on the street.

Most of the alleys were no good, I started to realize as I glanced down each one I passed by. Most of them were full of rubble or didn't offer any protection. All I wanted was a nice dumpster or something similar to hide behind and prop myself up against.

"This is going to take all night," I grumbled quietly to myself, passing a look down the next alley to my right. No good. There was a box taking up most of the alley. Suddenly I stopped, backing up a few steps. It wasn't just a box sitting in the alley, but something I never thought I would see again.

I felt a bubble's worth of hope start to fill my chest. It wasn't just any old box, either, but the TARDIS. That beautiful blue shop sat smack dab in the middle of the alleyway, barely lit by the flickering streetlight above it. The TARDIS meant the Doctor, which meant he had come back for me after all. I wasn't going to be homeless. He had come back for me.

As fast as my legs could manage, I hobbled up to the front of the shop, taking in the deep blue color of the wood. It was even more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I raised my left hand, ready to knock, but stopped myself before my knuckle could touch the door.

What if I was wrong and he wasn't back for me? For a split second there, I had forgotten he could travel in time, too. I had no way of knowing how long it had been for him since he abandoned me at Torchwood. It could be minutes, days, even years, and he might not have any idea who I am. I would just be some strange girl knocking on a blue box in an alley. Even if he did remember me… He had left me behind. To me, that screamed that he didn't want to take me with him. It wasn't like he had ever actually offered to take me… Just to fix me up. It was entirely possible, and highly likely, that he was just going to take care of my injuries and then take off, leaving me behind, again. I was just getting my hopes up and then he would crush them, _again_.

I let my hand drop back down to my side, defeated. "I'm so stupid…" With a mind of their own, my feet began carrying me out of the alley, away from the TARDIS. I needed to go find another alley to sleep in, and soon. This stupid blue box was taking up all the space. There was nowhere to sleep with it here.

As I made to turn onto the sidewalk and continue walking down the street, I heard a sound, a creak, and a voice. "Evie?" My feet stopped in their tracks. I was imagining things. Stop getting your hopes up, I tried to tell myself. He wasn't there. "Evie, is that you?" My fists clenched at my sides. I wanted to turn around, but I was so scared that this was all in my head. If I looked and he wasn't there…

The voice called my name again, gently this time. "Evangeline, turn around." With my breath caught in my throat, I forced myself to spin in my spot, my eyes landing on a lanky man in a pinstriped suit.

Was it actually him, standing in front of the TARDIS, watching me with disbelief in his eyes? I was hallucinating, wasn't I? My mind had to be playing tricks on me. "Doctor…?" My voice sounded so weak. "What… What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you, of course." The Doctor said it like it was the most obvious answer in the world. As if I should have expected him to come looking for me after he'd abandoned me. I wanted to be relieved, but I was more pissed off than anything. He ditched me, made me think I was all alone, and then suddenly remembered the girl that he left behind, like I was just some afterthought in that big head of his. Oblivious to the war raging inside of me, he quickly looked me over, focusing on my duffle bag. "What are you doing?"

Reminded of the weight on my shoulder, I let the bag slide down to fall on the alley ground. I was too exhausted to carry even that at this point. Somewhere in the back of my mind I registered that I wasn't in pain anymore and my body was shaking from the cold or fatigue, or maybe both. I should say something… But he had left me behind. Did he think it was okay to just show up hours later like this? Oops, and everything would be fine? "I went home."

"Regina?" he asked cautiously. He was still standing directly in front of the TARDIS, his hands stuffed into his pockets. It was too dark in the alley to get a good read of his expression but he wasn't holding himself as tall as he usually did.

"She was there, perfectly fine. But I knew I couldn't stay." Would Regina be alright without me? At least this time she knew I was okay. "I still don't exist and I don't know who else could be out to get me. In ten years, Torchwood could come back for me. Hell, tomorrow an alien could come busting down my door. Regina isn't safe if I'm there. Even if I have to be homeless, it's better than knowing that there's a chance she could get hurt, or worse, because of me."

The Doctor took a step closer to me, stepping more into the dim light of the alley. "That was very brave of you." In the light, I could tell just how sad he was. He was trying not to show it on his face, but it was evident in his posture, the sag of his shoulders, and the lack of a smile on his face.

"Doctor, I'm sorry," I told him quietly, putting aside my hurt for a moment because he was hurting, too. "About Rose. I couldn't save her." I was sorry. Rose may not have been my favorite companion, but she had been kinder to me than I had expected. I would have given just about anything to have been able to save her from disappearing into Pete's World.

"It's okay, Evie. You tried." It wasn't okay, truly, but I wasn't going to argue with him. He wiped a hand over his face, as if he could magically wipe away the grief. Then he changed subjects. I knew he was trying to pretend like if he didn't talk about it then it wasn't real because it was the same thing I had done after losing my mother. "But you, Evangeline Craine, are a very interesting girl. Did you know that?" With his long legs, the Doctor crossed the gap between us in an instant, standing in front of me. He was still wearing the same pinstriped suit he had been wearing the last time I'd seen him. I still hated that he towered over me; it made me feel small, inconsequential. "I did some research on you. It said that you were found, out of nowhere, on the street when you were eight."

"Yeah, I was named after the hospital I was first brought to. I know. I was there. Sort of."

"Sort of, because you're only 'sort of' from this world?" The Doctor's eyebrows went up as he watched my face. I had dodged his questions before because the world was ending. Of course, he would want to talk about this now. "We have time now. Care to explain?"

No, not really. All I wanted to do was lie on the ground and I didn't particularly care if I got back up. He said he had researched me, which meant that after he had so rudely left me behind at Torchwood, he wasted time looking me up instead of coming back sooner. What if the information he'd found hadn't been so interesting? Would he have come back then? I honestly wasn't sure, and I didn't like that feeling. But I sighed, looking at the curiosity evident on his face, and found myself answering. "Two months ago I was a girl named Paige. Like I said earlier, I lived in New York, in the year 2019. My life was… well, it's not something I need or want to go back to." I could almost see the questions beginning to form in his mind and continued talking, hoping to avoid them. "My mother died five years ago, and my father…" My father was a heartless man who hadn't wanted to adopt me and certainly hadn't wanted me around after her death. But I couldn't tell the Doctor that. "It broke something in him. Then I got hit by a car and, next thing I know, I'm here, waking up as Evangeline Craine, who looks exactly like me."

I paused in my explanation to rub my good hand against my eyes, hoping to clear the dark spots that were starting to take over my vision. I was losing the battle against staying conscious. If the Doctor noticed he didn't say, just kept listening intently. "I don't know if I died, if I'm in a coma and this is my brain's way of staying entertained without Netflix, or what. All I know is that now I'm Evangeline and I have memories of my life as Paige and memories of this life as Evangeline floating around in my head. I'm here, and I don't know why. Just like I don't know why or how I don't exist." I was still vaguely annoyed that the sphere got to exist and I didn't. "Doctor, how is it that I don't exist? I don't understand it."

"I don't understand it either," the Doctor answered with a simple shrug. When I grumbled, he offered me an apologetic smile. "You're impossible, Evie. I can see you, hear you, touch you. But according to every piece of machinery and equipment, even my own Sonic Screwdriver, you aren't here. I may not be able to offer you an answer right now, but I can offer you a chance to figure it out. Together."

I had to rewind the last part of his response in my mind, chewing my lip. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? "Together? As in, go with you? How? Where?" I eyed him, trying my best to look suspicious. There was a grin on his face as he gestured a thumb at the blue box behind him, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. I made a show of looking the TARDIS up and down, frowning. "Are you going to arrest me in your massively out of date wooden box?"

"It's not just a box-"

"No, it's your spaceship, right?" I countered, watching his eyes widen just a little bit in surprise. His mouth hung open, paused. I enjoyed catching him off guard like that. Knowing what his next question would be, I continued. "You are way too smart and you know way too much about aliens to be normal. Hartman referred to you as some sort of expert. In fact, the rest of the Ghostbuster gang did, too. So I'm pretty sure you're an alien. And since I saw your blue box disappear and you came out of it just now, then that must be your alien spaceship."

The Doctor let out a laugh and took a step back to his TARDIS, stroking his hand down the side of it in an oddly intimate way. "You're clever. That's good." An ember of pride flared up within me. It wasn't often the Doctor said that to someone.  
"Miss Evangeline Craine, meet the TARDIS."

"TARDIS?" I knew I had to ask. Everyone always asked. "Is it stupid or something? What kind of name is that?"

"TARDIS. Stands for Time and Relative Dimensions in Space. She travels anywhere throughout space and time. Upwards, downwards, backwards, forwards, sidewards, you name it wards." Focusing back on me, he came to stand in front of me again, his face solemn. "Rose traveled with me… but it does get boring travelling by myself. You cold come with me, if you want. See the stars, other planets, save lives."

The Doctor was asking me to go with him. This was what I'd been waiting for since I'd woken up as Evangeline two months ago. This is what I'd been hoping for since Torchwood had kidnapped me a month ago, and what I'd dreamed of since I discovered "Doctor Who" fourteen years back in my world. I wanted to say yes, I did. On his face was the same grin from a few minutes before. There was still sadness, but the smile seemed genuine, I thought. I wanted to say yes, but… "I don't know."

The smile fell, quickly replaced with confusion. "You don't know?" Had anyone ever told him that before? Yes's and no's, sure, but an I don't know? "Is something wrong?"

With that question, my blood was suddenly boiling inside of me. He didn't even realize what he had done, and that was so much worse. Sure, he had come back, but he had no concept of the pain he had caused by leaving me there. I tried to take a step back, away from him as my rage made the alley feel smaller around us, but the world spun around in my view. I refused to let him see me falter. When I spoke, my voice came out cold and biting. "What do you mean, 'is something wrong'? You don't get it, do you, Doctor? You left me."

"I-" The realization that flashed through his dark eyes was plain as day and it only made me angrier. "I left you there."

"_You left me_!" I was yelling now, angry tears pricking at the corner of my eyes. "I know you were hurting Doctor, but so was I! I can only imagine what Rose meant to you and how much it sucked losing her like that, but you forgot about me. You promised to help me and then you just forgot all about me. And I needed you! I needed your help." A hand ran through his hair, his shoulders slumping in shame. My voice was cracking around the hurt in my words. "You left me there, in the hellhole that had tortured me for weeks, the last place I would ever want to be. How could you do that to me? I'm used to being a punching bag or somebody's last thought, but… How could you? You left me there in my _nightmare_."

I saw his mouth open to say something, probably to apologize, and I snarled, spiraling out of control now. The floodgates were open and I couldn't stop. I needed him to know just how much he had hurt me, even if it hurt him in return. "I'm not done! I waited there for you, Doctor. Because surely the man who had promised to help me would come back. And then I had to walk home, barefooted and in so much pain I could have laid down in the rubble with the corpses and joined them. God, I've been wandering around London for hours now, not sure where I'm going to sleep tonight. You abandoned me. You made me feel like I was nothing, not even worth a second thought." Tears were streaming down my cheeks now, my body too exhausted to hold them in any longer.

The guilt on his face was as clear as the moon in the sky above us tonight and he was cringing like I had just slapped him. His hand scratched the top of his head so hard I thought he might actually pull out some hair. Good. He should feel guilty after what he had done.

"Oh, Evie, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I left you there, and you had to…" His eyes drifted down to my arm and to my bare feet, possibly imagining the amount of agony I had been in as I'd walked back to Regina's. "I was overcome by… But that's not an excuse. I never should have left you there in that place. You have every right to be angry at me." His eyes met mine, shiny and wet, and a hand was extended to me. It was a peace offering, an invitation. "I promise you, Evangeline Craine, that if you come with me, I will never, _never_, abandon you or leave you behind like that again."

I stared at his hand, wanting so badly to take it and let go of this hurt I was feeling. I wanted to believe what he was saying. But he had promised to help me, and he had broken that promise. Could I have faith that he wouldn't break this one, too? "How am I supposed to trust you, Doctor?"

"That's a good question. I understand that you might not be able to trust me right now." Seeing that I wasn't going to reach out, he dropped his hand back to his side, letting it hang. "After breaking my promise to you, I'm going to have to earn that trust back. I hope you'll give me that chance." When he paused, I stopped staring at his hand and looked up. His small smile was hopeful, and I knew then that I couldn't say no to the look on his face. "I can help you figure out why this is happening to you, and I can show you some brilliant things along the way. Come with me, please, Evie. What do you say?"

As much as I still wanted to yell, I couldn't. Both because I had no strength left to rage and because he was genuinely apologetic. Yelling at him more wouldn't change what he did in a moment of overwhelming grief, and he was offering to take me with him now. It might not have been the way I pictured him asking me to come along, but here it was. If I was being honest, I really wanted to see the inside of the TARDIS. "I still don't trust you, not completely."

He nodded solemnly, even as the smile on his face continued to grow. "We can work on that."

"Fine," I finally allowed myself to say. "Show me the stars, Doctor." The relief of knowing I had somewhere to go, that I wouldn't be wandering around the streets all night looking for a place to sleep, flooded over me, bringing with it a final sense of exhaustion. It was as if knowing I had somewhere safe to go was finally shutting down my body's need to keep going.

My knees began to buckle beneath me at the same time as a sense of nausea was suddenly overtaking my stomach. There were two of him circling in my vision. Even through the haze enveloping my mind, I knew that was wrong.

"Evie? You're shaking."

"Doctor?" I managed to look up at him one last time, the motion making me gag. "I don't think I'm… doing so well…"

I barely registered him calling my name and stepping toward me as everything went blank.

**~The Doctor~**

The Doctor peered at the strange girl standing in front of him, with the hurt, angry look on her small face and the bag at her feet. She was still wearing the grey scrubs from before and she appeared as if she were barely managing to stand. Considering she'd been forced to walk home alone and had been wandering around for hours, according to what she'd yelled at him a moment ago, he wasn't surprised that she was looking worse than she had the last time he'd seen her. Right before...

"What do you say?" he asked, finding himself hopeful. He wanted her to say yes, but he wasn't quite sure what answer he was going to get. This was the same girl who had just hollered at him, with every right. When Rose had disappeared, almost lost to the Void before Pete Tyler had saved her, he had been consumed with a sadness that he hadn't felt in a long time, not since the Time War. He was ashamed to admit that, in his grief and his desire to try and find some way of getting Rose back, he had let poor Evangeline Craine slip his mind. He hadn't noticed her. Judging by the fact that she said he had seen the TARDIS disappear, she must have chased after him, following him down the Torchwood Tower. He hadn't heard her, hadn't seen her, and he felt awful. It wasn't until he was back on the TARDIS, unable to come up with a way to save Rose, that he had remembered the girl he'd promised to protect. The girl he had left behind in the place that had done such terrible things to her.

Evie had every right to be angry. After what she had been through, he wasn't surprised that she couldn't trust him. She probably couldn't trust anyone right now. In the darkness of the alley, he could tell that she was still in a lot of pain. Her chest rose and fell quickly with strained breaths that he could hear even from his place a couple feet away from her and her fists were clenched at her sides. It looked like she had replaced the bandage on her arm but it was beginning to turn red again. How much blood had she lost by now? The guilt was like a rock sinking to the bottom of his stomach. If he hadn't forgotten about her, she would be halfway to healed and sleeping in a safe bed by now.

Evie opened her mouth, looking every bit like she was about to yell, but no sound came out. Her mouth closed, hands uncurling and curling back into fists next to her. She was warring with the decision. It was an odd feeling, asking some to travel with him who didn't trust him one bit. After a moment of debate, she finally said, "I still don't trust you, not completely."

The Doctor would have been surprised if she had more than a small handful of people she did trust. But she sounded like she was starting to agree, and his smile widened even as he gave his best serious nod. "We can work on that." And they could. He was hopeful that once Evie began to heal and realized that she was safe with him, her trust would come easily.

"Fine." It seemed so easy that the Doctor almost wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly. She was accepting, just like that? He'd expected her to put up more of a fight after her tirade at him. "Show me the stars, Doctor." The moment the words were past her lips, her shoulders sagged, the tension she'd been carrying visibly leaving her. She didn't want to let on how relieved she was, but he could see it.

He was about to offer to grab her duffle bag for her, save her the trouble of bending down, when he noticed the strange look on her face. Her head gave a shake as she blinked a few times, looking somewhat confused. "Evie?" He took a step toward her, noticing as he did that her whole body was trembling from head to toe. Before he could say anything else, she looked up once more. Her unusual eyes, one grey and one green, seemed unfocused, like she was looking through him instead of at him.

"Doctor? I don't think I'm… doing so well…"

The light was quickly beginning to leave her eyes and, seeing her legs buckling beneath her, the Doctor stepped forward. He caught her as she collapsed, her eyelids fluttering shut, and wrapped one arm around her back before she could hit the ground. The moment he made contact with her skin, he realized just how amazing it was that she stayed standing for this long at all. Her skin burned like fire and was covered in a sheen of sweat, and her whole body shook as if she were enduring an Earthquake. She was as white as a sheet. Why hadn't she said anything?

"Humans," he muttered, not that she could hear him. She was going to be a handful, wasn't she?

She had said yes to traveling with him, which meant he could take her into the TARDIS to the infirmary without having to worry about her reaction. He wouldn't want her to feel like she'd been kidnapped again, after all. He had to get her injuries under control. If she stayed like this for much longer, she was going to die.

As the Doctor bent over to lift Evie up, he noticed the duffle bag she'd dropped at her feet. It was a small blue bag, more along the lines of a bag someone would take for a weekend trip, not for a lifetime like it seemed Evie was planning. She had said she'd left Regina's for good, seemingly clever enough to realize the very real danger she was in from organizations like Torchwood. It was doubtful she could have fit very much in the small bag, which meant that what she had packed was probably essential and important to her. He wouldn't her things behind the same way he had her, something he decided he would apologize again for when she woke up.

Reaching down, he lifted the bag over his shoulder and then placed his free arm, the one not currently wrapped around the back of her to keep her upright, underneath her legs, sweeping her up in one swift movement. In his arms, her head rolled until it landed against his chest. Her breathing was getting shallower.

With her and her duffle bag, he made his way back into the TARDIS, nudging the door open with his foot, and began the walk through the hallways to the infirmary. He would have to talk to Evie about this when she woke up. He was positive she'd known how close she was to passing out and she had said nothing to him about it. He understood that she was wary of him, with valid reason, but she had agreed to travel with him. Her agreement meant she was his ward now, under his care. She'd have to start being honest with him when she was hurting or sick, and to start asking for help before she fell apart. Although he had the feeling that asking for help wasn't something either version of her was very good at. To be fair, he should have realized how badly off she was. He shouldn't have left her behind.

Regardless, they would have to talk about this. If he couldn't trust her to tell him when she needed help, he wouldn't be able to take her on adventures.

The Doctor looked down at her as he turned a corner, nestled against his chest. Her brow was slightly furrowed and her left hand was clutched around part of his jacket, making a fist. Even in her sleep, she looked like she was ready for a fight. He knew about Torchwood, but what else had this girl been through?

When he reached the infirmary, the frosted glass doors opened automatically. As usual, the room had a slight antiseptic smell to it. There was a medical bed in the center of the room that he immediately brought her over to, lying her down on it. But when he tried to step back, he was stuck. Evie was still holding on to his jacket so tightly that he had to pry her fingers off, placing her hand next to her on the bed. He couldn't help but smile a little bit at the behavior.

Maybe it would be nice, having someone else on the TARDIS. Rose had been right; he didn't like to travel alone. That's what Evie was now as well, alone.

He was glad she had said yes. Not only because they were both on their own now, but he would have had to figure something else out if she had said no. The fact was that she was too dangerous to leave on her own, for a multitude of reasons. There was the dilemma of her not existing, for one. He had scanned her with his sonic screwdriver, not trusting the cruel Yvonne Hartman to tell him the truth. Not after finding out she'd been holding Evie hostage and running torturous experiments on her. But the Sonic had just confirmed what Yvonne had said, that Evie didn't exist. Every single living thing gave off some form of energy, it was a rule of the universe, but not Evangeline Craine, according to the Sonic Screwdriver. He would have to run some more tests while she was lying here, though they likely wouldn't say anything different. This girl was more impossible than the Void Ship. At least he knew where that impossibility had come from.

The poor girl was still shivering, despite the burning temperature of her skin. For her to have done as much walking as she had around London in this condition… She was stubborn, that was for sure. He would have to wait and see if that would turn out to be a good thing or not. She must have a high pain threshold, and even then she must have been hurting so much. Even at Torchwood, she had complained about the pain but she had done such a good job of masking how beaten down she truly was. Was that because the world had been ending, or was this a normal behavior for her, to keep her problems to herself? He had a feeling it was the latter.

Still, she didn't make sense. According to her, she came from a parallel world. Normally, he would have said that was impossible, except that Mickey and Pete had proved that wrong today. It wasn't that she couldn't have crossed over, what with the Daleks and the Cybermen tearing down the barriers between worlds, but that only her mind had come over and only after her world's version of her had died. Being dead or in a coma didn't explain how her mind would have transferred here on its own. They would have their work cut out for them, trying to figure this one out.

First things first, her wounds needed to be looked at before her health deteriorated anymore. Starting with the most pressing concern, the Doctor lifted Evie's right arm carefully. He couldn't help but let out a sigh once he had unwrapped the gauze bandage from around her forearm. Torchwood sure had done a number on her. The gaping hole in her skin was still there and appeared even worse than before. It was infected, that much was sure. The wound was still bleeding, with very little sign of stopping considering that it had been bleeding all day, and the skin around it was angry, hot, and swollen. He could see a tinge of yellow pus starting to form in the center, most likely the root of the fever coursing through her.

Laying her arm back down on the bed, the Doctor left her side to make his way to a cabinet against the wall. The infirmary was full to the brim of all sorts of medical supplies and tools from different planets and alien species and this cabinet was designed to make retrieving those items significantly easier. All one had to do was think of the items they needed or even just the task they were trying to accomplish and the TARDIS would place the items in the cabinet. When he opened the door, he found his favorite topical gel, much more advanced than what the humans had access to on Earth, and several rolls of a nanogene infused mending wrap, gifted to him by a member of the Chula once. The mending wraps came in an assortment of sizes to suit different needs. Gathering the supplies into his, the Doctor returned to Evie.

Taking Evie's arm in his hands again, he first applied a fair amount of the topical gel to the infected wound and the area around it. Then he measured two different size mending wraps against her arm and, deciding on the larger one to be safe, tore a length of it off and covered her whole forearm in the blue material, sealing the edges together with his finger. As he began to look over the rest of her arm, the Doctor's eyes caught on the tattoo at the base of her right wrist. He'd seen it earlier when she had first allowed him to look her over, but he hadn't paid it much attention. It was a small tattoo, black in color, in the shape of an infinity symbol. Part of the symbol was replaced with a three word phrase: Life goes on. He wondered what the story behind the tattoo was, and if the other version of her, Paige, had a similar tattoo. Moving from her wrist to her hand to inspect, he also found a slight scar, the edge barely raised, in the shape of a slash along the inside of her palm. Curious.

He carefully finished checking the rest of her arm, and then the other, placing gel and a piece of wrap over any cuts or scrapes that looked deep or possibly infected. A similar check was made of her neck and face, the only mark found there being a bruise forming on her left cheek where she'd said her guard had hit her. A piece of mending wrap was applied over that bruise as well, the Doctor not wanting Evie to have that reminder if he could help it. A second tattoo was discovered while he was looking over her neck, checking for any abnormal bruising. The tattoo was located behind her right ear, a cluster of stars outlined in black and each one filled in with a different vibrant color.

Satisfied that her arms and cheek were taken care of, the Doctor made to move to her legs and stopped. Evie was still wearing the grey Torchwood scrubs. He had noticed the scrubs when they were talking outside, but he only realized the problem with them now: they were hideous and covered in her blood. When he first saw her standing outside the TARDIS, he had been surprised to see her still wearing the scrubs. Now, seeing her lying in the infirmary unconscious, he realized she wouldn't physically have been able to change. How would Evie react when she woke up to find herself still in them? Would she see the hospital-like space around her and the clothing and think she was still in Torchwood? The poor girl had already been through enough trauma for one lifetime.

Though the Doctor wasn't particularly fond of the idea of changing her, nor did he believe she would appreciate once she woke up and realized it, it was the better of the two options. Evie was prone to panic attacks, and he didn't want her to have one as soon as she woke up. It would give him an opportunity to check any other injuries she might have.

Leaving the infirmary momentarily, he made his way down the hall and around the corner to the wardrobe, the TARDIS rearranging the hallways to make the trip quicker. Finding Evie something to wear wasn't difficult as the TARDIS had already sorted a handful of choices, all pajamas that looked to be about the girl's size, out onto a small table at the base of the stairs leading up into the depths of clothing. Quickly eyeing the different options in front of him and wondering what her style might be, he made a choice, grabbing a pair with a beige t-shirt and black pants. These would have to do until she woke up and could pick out her own clothing.

Inside the infirmary once more, the Doctor found Evie thrashing mildly in her sleep, a strained whimpering sound coming from her throat. She must be having a nightmare, he realized and moved to stand by her side, placing the pajamas on the bed at her feet. "Evangeline…" Her name was a whisper, not wanting to disturb her but just make her feel less alone. She was still writhing, fingers clawing at the bed beneath her, and he placed his hand on her forehead, frowning at how hot her fever burned. Her breathing came fast and hard and her eyes darted around rapidly beneath her eyelids, but the contact seemed to settle her down some. "You'll be okay."

"Doctor…" Evie's voice startled him as he made to turn away and he half expected to find her looking up at him. Her eyes were still shut, though. Was she a sleep talker, then? "Doctor… Don't leave me… Please…"

With his other hand, he gave Evie's a squeeze. "I'm so sorry, Evie. I promise you that I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." He had no way of knowing if she could hear him or not but, slowly and surely, her breathing evened out and she seemed to relax.

Now that she was settled down, the Doctor began working on changing her out of the scrubs. With another apology for what was about to happen, he placed his hands at the elastic waist of the pants and began sliding them down. At least Torchwood had left her undergarments alone. The pants were loose, implying she'd likely lost weight while she was there. Once off, the scrub pants were discarded off to the side, waiting to be thrown in the trash later on.

A quick scan of her legs informed him that Torchwood had done most of their experimentation to Evie's upper body. There was some bruising, which could be from any number of things they had done to her that he didn't want to imagine, but no cuts or wounds to patch up. The left ankle, however, was in bad shape and the brace she had used as a quick fix was quickly tossed to join the pants on the floor. He thought back to what Jackie had told him on the phone about Evie slipping on the stairs, pausing as an image of Rose and her mother entered his mind like a punch to the gut. It left him feeling winded and empty. Rose…

Forcing himself to work through the pain, he lifted Evie's left leg gently to take a better look at her ankle. It was swollen to at least twice the size of the other one and was already beginning to form a nasty purple bruise. This was certainly more than a mere sprain, possibly fractured. Even with the accelerated healing, her ankle would be tender and weak for at least a few days. A layer of the topical gel was applied to the area and the nanogene bandage was wrapped from the bottom of her skin to the arch of her foot, just to be safe. With that completed, he carefully lifted each of her legs into the black pajama pants and slid them up to the tops of her hips. Half of her was done.

Evie had been quiet and calm for a long few minutes now, telling him that it should be safe to change her top. The hem at the bottom of the shirt was lifted until it reached her arms. He paused, noticing a third tattoo across the left side of her ribcage. It was impossible to see the whole thing without leaving over her and the quote he found written across her ribs brought a small smile to his face. It was one of his favorites, reading "Do not go gentle into that good night" on top and "Rage, rage against the dying of the light" below it in a thick, black cursive ink. That was three tattoos in total. What did they mean to her, and would she ever be able to open up enough to tell him?

Still thinking about the possible stories behind the tattoos, he lifted her arms one by one and pulled them carefully through the armholes of the shirt. She had to be raised into a sitting position, leaning forward against his chest as he partially sat on the edge of the bed next to her, before the shirt could be pulled over her head and removed. Holding her by the shoulders, he looked her over again, noting how her ribs were showing through her skin and the bruises that were forming along her right side and down her back. Had she cracked a rib when she'd fallen down the stairs? Slowly lowering Evie back down, his fingers felt along her rib cage. The whole area felt swollen to the touch but nothing felt obviously broken. Still, better to assume the worst; her ribcage and upper abdomen were encased in the nanogene mending wrap.

Just like with her legs, the only other marks that weren't already covered in topical gel and bandages were some minor bruises. Satisfied, Evie was maneuvered into the pajama shirt and laid back down to finally rest. She was still shivering from head to toe and he retrieved a soft, heavy blanket from the same closet as before and tucked it around her like a cocoon.

The Doctor plopped down into a rolling white chair, watching the unconscious stranger. That's what she was, after all, a stranger, in more ways than one. He'd had no choice but to ask her to come traveling with him, but that didn't mean he wasn't glad that she'd said yes. Things would definitely be _interesting_ with her around. Evie herself might not have been dangerous, but the fact that she didn't exist was. Torchwood had discovered her easily enough, had maimed her because of it, and there was no telling who else might know about her or want to harm her because of it. There was also no way to know if or how she would affect the world around her. Before he had more information, it was far too dangerous to let her go off on her own. The only solution was to keep her here with him, where he could keep an eye on her and protect her, if need be. But there were other reasons she had intrigued him.

Evie had seemed so certain that Yvonne Hartman was going to die that it was unsettling. More than anything, she had wanted Yvonne to die for what she had done and for what she had put Evie through. Although the Doctor didn't condone that kind of wishing, he could see it from her perspective. She was suffering; it was natural to lash out, like a wounded animal. The fact that, after Yvonne's death, Evie had seemed happy about it did bother him, though. She'd shown remorse for the way Yvonne died, understanding that being turned into a Cyberman was one of the worst deaths imaginable, but not for the fact that she had died, and had then wondered if her other tormentors had experienced similar fates. She'd been hopeful. He knew that kind of rage well, and she seemed to be brimming with it.

Even more concerning than that, though, was the fact that Evie seemed to have knowledge she shouldn't have. She was so convinced Yvonne would die that it was like she had predicted it, not an _if_ Yvonne would die but a _when_, and she was sure it would be soon. That was added to the fact that she hadn't seemed overly shocked by any of the events that had taken place during the day. Not the danger of the Ghost Shift, not the Daleks… There was concern about how she would be affected, sure, but not about how or why these events were happening. Earth had seen aliens before, which could explain away that part of the dilemma.

Then there was Mickey Smith and the TARDIS. She'd known, without anyone having said anything about it, that Mickey had been placed at Torchwood for a purpose and that the Mickey, or Rickey, in Pete's World had died. Unless she was very good at making educated guesses, there was no way Evie could have known that. She had done it again with the TARDIS. He had been about to walk out of the TARDIS to go look for her when he'd caught a glimpse of the monitor on the console, watching as Evie marched right up to the blue box and raised her fist to knock, like she'd known he would be in there. According to her, she'd seen the TARDIS disappear at Torchwood, but he still felt uneasy about it. Maybe he was overthinking things. The majority of these thoughts could be explained away. There were just so many of them to be merely coincidental. It would be best to keep an eye on her in case she did show any more signs of having knowledge she shouldn't have, for whatever reason.

And then there was just Evie, whom the Doctor had grown to care about during the day. She was impossible, yes. He had seen today that she was stubborn, oh so _stubborn_, as well as angry, vengeful, loud, and temperamental. But he had also glimpsed a side of her that enjoyed adventure and was kind, caring, and determined. There was a side of her that was broken, too, and he knew that feeling well. Who was she, this brunette girl lying on his medical bed?

As if knowing he was thinking about her, Evie's head rolled to the side, a lock of her hair falling into her face. The Doctor quietly stood and gently lifted the hair back behind her ear, shaking his head. There may have been a lot he didn't know about this girl, but he did know one thing: she was going to be a handful.

She was going to be out for awhile as her body began to recover, that much was obvious. It would be the perfect time to run a few tests and see just how impossible she truly was.

~X~

Twelve hours later the impossible girl was still sleeping and still just as impossible as before. While she rested, the Doctor ran an assortment of tests on her, from minor blood work all the way to xrays and scans to check for temperature, radiation, artron energy, and more. Each test had come back with the same results: nothing. No matter what test he ran, they couldn't see her. Each time it was as if he was trying to test the air and wouldn't register that there was anything even there to read. Even a thermometer, nice and simple, refused to give any valid results, although it was clear by the heat radiating from her and the intense shivering racking her body that she was still feverish.

He couldn't say he hadn't expected those results, but it was disheartening nonetheless.

The one good thing was that she was slowly regaining some of her color while she slept. Although her fever still clung to life, her overall body temperature also seemed to be going down. She wouldn't be fully recovered for awhile yet, but she was healing.

Around the six hour mark, he had checked her more serious injuries, her right arm and left ankle, to make sure they were beginning to heal. The swelling on her ankle had gone down and the infection in her arm seemed to have disappeared. Hopefully, when she finally woke up the pain would be gone.

Sitting around in the infirmary for so long with nothing to do, now that all the tests had been completed, was starting to drive the Doctor stir crazy. Evie should be fine in the infirmary on her own. He still decided to turn on the invisible barrier on the bed, though, to ensure that she didn't roll over and fall off while she was alone. Leaving the room, it was a short trek through two hallways back to the console room. A couple presses of the buttons on the console monitor and it was all set to view the infirmary and keep an eye on the sleeping Evie. Now he just needed to find something to do to kill time.

Keeping the monitor in constant view, the Doctor began to tinker with his wonderful TARDIS. Sometime later, he was halfway finished repairing the gears to one of the levers, the gyroscopic stabilizer, when a sound hit his hears. It sounded like a sort of whining… What was it?

As the sound grew louder, making its way down the hallways to him, the realization quickly dawned on him. Screaming. Evie was screaming.

The Doctor took off running towards the infirmary, following the broken sound.


	9. Some Much Needed Rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I apologize that I've been gone for so long. I actually had this chapter written and ready to go, but never realized I hadn't posted it here since I also cross-post to Fanfiction. I took a little hiatus from this story after finishing this chapter because of the holidays and I burnt myself out a bit with writing. So I'm back and I'll try to be better about updating on here as well as on Fanfiction.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left a Kudos or a comment so far. I hope you keep enjoying Evie's story.

Chapter 9: Some Much Needed Rest

* * *

_~"I love sleep . My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?"~_

_Ernest Hemingway_

* * *

"_Come back, Paige! We won't hurt you."_

Liars! That's all they wanted to do, hurt me. That's all anyone wanted to do. Ever.

I was running, my feet flying underneath me as quickly as they could. The dark hallways of Torchwood rushed past me in a blur. Hallway after hallway I ran, each one feeling longer than the last. And with each corner I turned, my body began to feel heavier and heavier. I was slowing down, my body screaming in protest at the sheer effort it took to move. But I had to keep going; I had to get away.

"_Oh, Paige…"_ The voice sounded so familiar. I had no way of knowing where it came from, the sound echoing off the walls around me. Were the walls getting closer? _"Let us run more tests on you."_

"_We promise it won't hurt, Evangeline."_

Liars, they were liars. I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound came out. Keep running. Just keep running. Faster. I had to get away. But where was I going? Their voices were all around me. Even putting my hands over my ears as I ran did nothing to keep them out of my head. Beneath the voices… I could hear the sound of metal footsteps marching toward me, closer and closer. With each passing second, the thundering sound grew louder and louder.

There was another corner in front of me now and I barreled around it, skidding to a halt. I had expected another hallway. Instead, all I could see was a black operating table in front of me. Trays of tools-scalpels, pliers, syringes, and so many I couldn't begin to imagine the purpose of-surrounded the table. I took a step back, wanting to run immediately in the other direction. Not again. I would not be their guinea pig again. I backed right into a wall and turned, finding nothing there. The hallway was gone, replaced by a pitch-black void with some sort of invisible barrier keeping me from leaving. I put my hands up, pushing against it with all my strength, but I couldn't force my way through. Realizing I was stuck, I turned around, my breath coming in short, shallow bursts.

Cybermen stared back at me, one on either side of the operating table. I swear they were smiling, but Cybermen couldn't do that. Could they?

"_Come here, Paige."_ I finally recognized the voice, where I knew it from. It was Toupee's voice, snide and mocking. _"The only thing we haven't tested yet is your heart."_ With a cry that refused to come out, I realized his voice, Toupee's voice, was coming from the Cyberman to my right.

Ed's voice sounded out of the Cyberman to my left. _"We need to test your heart and see if it exists. Evangeline, give us your heart."_ Simultaneously, they each took a step towards me, then another. The terrible marching sound they made sent tremors through my entire being.

I turned, determined to break through this invisible barrier, but there were metal hands on my arms before I could even put my hands up. I strained, but it was no use. The hallway was there again, long and dark, and down it I could see a familiar shape. The Doctor was there, hands in his pockets, with his back to me. I tried to call out to him, but he was walking away. No, no, don't leave me here alone! Come back, Doctor, please don't leave me. But, again, no sound came out. My throat was starting to feel tighter and tighter, caving in on itself. The Doctor rounded a corner at the end of the hall and was gone. Metal hands clenched down harder on my arms.

"_Oh, Evie…"_ I froze at the sound of my mother's voice. From the same place the Doctor had just disappeared into, my mother came into view. She made her way toward me, looking just like she had when she was cremated. Her long blonde hair cascaded down her shoulders in waves and she wore the same knee-length white dress. Mom…

Behind her, I saw my father, looking equally as handsome. This was him before the stress and the alcohol had eaten away at him. They stopped a few steps away, both of them smiling down at me. Mom, Dad… Help me, please, I tried to ask, but my throat was so tight now that I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move, still being held on either side by Cybermen hands.

Still smiling, my mother lifted a hand and placed it on my right cheek, lovingly rubbing her thumb against it. It was such a familiar gesture that my heart clenched, even as I felt myself suffocating. _"Would you like our help, Evie, dear?"_ All I could do was nod, wanting to beg. Her hand dropped at the same second as the smile vanished from her face. _"If you wanted my help then you shouldn't have let me die. It's all your fault that I'm dead."_ Before I could understand what was happening, her hand struck me across the face, my head snapping to the side.

In an instant, tears were streaming down my cheeks. I know it was my fault; it had always been my fault. There was nothing but pure disdain on my mother's face as she turned and walked back down the hallway. My father was left standing in front of me; the smile had disappeared from his face as well. _This_ was the father I knew. His lips curled back in disgust. _"You deserve this. You deserve to die_."

I know, I wanted to say. I know. It was my fault. The sun had disappeared from our world, and I was to blame.

"_We want her heart. We need her heart."_ Ed's and Toupee's voices rang out from their metal bodies beside me in unison.

My father was agreeing before he even had time to consider it, but I shouldn't have expected anything else. I deserved this. It was my fault. I'd always known it, but had refused to accept it. I deserved this. _"You can have her heart. She doesn't need it anymore. After all, how can she live if she doesn't exist?"_

Almost as if in slow motion, I watched my father raise his hand and thrust it forward. My skin felt like paper as he punched a fist straight through my chest. The skin there tore with blinding pain, turning my vision white. I made to scream, silence pouring out of my lungs. Through the pain, I felt his fist clench around my heart.

His other hand was on my chin, jerking my head up. His eyes, icy blue as a frozen lake, were like knives, made to match the vicious expression on his face. Even in all of his abuse, he had never looked as cruel as he did right now. That was fair though, I thought, even as my body began to shut down. I had killed my mother. I deserved his hatred. I couldn't breathe anymore.

"_That's right, you worthless little nobody. You earned this. Something that doesn't exist doesn't need a heart. It's not even alive in the first place."_

My heart still wrapped in his hand, he yanked his arm back, ripping my heart right out of my chest.

My eyes flew open, burning harshly at the bright lights that met them. A piercing screech reached my ears, something akin to the sound a wounded animal might make right before its demise. My throat felt raw and dry. It took me a moment to realize that I was the one making that sound; I was screaming.

"Evie?" I was shaking. "Evangeline!" Correction: I was being shaken.

Someone's head, full of tousled hair and wide brown eyes, was in front of me. Doctor? His face was a shock to my system, forcing me to suck a breath into my aching lungs and cutting off my scream. My ears were ringing and warm tears were streaming down my cheeks. I tried to say his name but couldn't get it out between shallow breaths.

"I'm here, Evie." His dark eyes scanned my face, brows scrunched in concern. "I'm here. You're okay. Just breathe."

It took the feeling of his hand on top of mine to realize that I was holding onto his suit jacket. I jerked my hand back, feeling my father's hand on my heart as it ripped it out of my chest all over again. All I could do was lie there as I forced the image out of my head, trying to catch my breath before I had a full-on panic attack. The Doctor stood near me, never taking his eyes off mine. It was the calm in his eyes that ground me and allowed me to focus on inhaling deeper breaths.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he finally asked me once I had calmed down.

My hands no longer shaking in fear, I hastily wiped the tears away. "Not really, no." My voice didn't sound like me, broken from screaming for so long.

"Evie…" It wasn't a warning exactly, more like a concerned nudge. He was worried. I would be too if I was him, after listening to the sound that had just come out of me.

I'd had nightmares before, especially after Mom had passed, but that was… Just thinking about it had my chest constricting. "Not… Not right now, Doctor… I can't talk about it right now."

He didn't say anything as I forced myself to sit up, distracting my mind with taking in the surroundings. I was in some sort of very bright room, everything white like snow with a vague smell of antiseptic. There were some cabinets and closets against the walls and a bunch of machines that I couldn't name if I had tried. Beneath me was some sort of bed, also white, that somewhat resembled a complex hospital bed. In fact, the whole room gave off a very hospital type of vibe and had me wrinkling my nose. I hated hospitals. Was this the TARDIS's hospital, or whatever it was called? I'd never seen it on the show, at least not on New Who, but I remembered hearing about it. Maybe it had been in Classic Who somewhere? But why was I here?

I struggled to remember anything before the nightmare. I couldn't see past the hatred in my mother's eyes as she slapped me… My arms wrapped around my knees, pulling them into my chest. Don't think about, I tried to tell myself. That wasn't Mom. "What happened?" I asked, needing to focus on something else, _anything_ else.

The Doctor took his eyes off of me long enough to turn around and lift himself up onto the end of the bed where my legs had just been. "You," he said, "almost died. If I hadn't found you when I did-"

"If you hadn't left me behind, you mean."

"Right. I'm sorry about that again, Evie, I really am." He scratched at his head, looking awkwardly away from me for a moment. "But if I hadn't found you when I did, you might not be alive right now."

"Oh." I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I could just about remember seeing the Doctor in an alley, feeling a numbness taking over my body. "You saved me?"

"Of course!" He looked almost offended that I had asked, as if I was suggesting there was a scenario where he wouldn't have saved me. "Should have told me you were 'bout to drop. Between the blood loss, exhaustion, and the infection from your wound, I'm surprised you made it as long as you did. You're a fighter." I started to smile a little, but he wasn't. He'd had yet to smile at all since he'd woken me from that nightmare. "Just because you're a fighter doesn't mean that you can take on everything by yourself, Evie."

"What did you want me to do?" I asked, indignant. "You abandoned me! I've been the only one taking care of myself for a long time, and I've done just fine."

"But you're not alone now. You don't have to be alone now, I mean. I promise that I will always help you, no matter what." He gestured briefly at the space around us as evidence of his promise. "If you don't trust me completely yet, I understand. But I have to be able to trust that you'll tell me when something is wrong. If you can't trust me enough to help you, it's going to make things a lot harder. Can you agree to that?" He made a good point, I had to admit. He wasn't asking me to trust him with my life just yet. I could manage to ask him for help, I was fairly certain. I nodded at him in agreement. His eyes remained glued to mine. "I need to hear you say it."

I sighed. "Yes, Doctor. I promise I will tell you when I need help from now on."

Just like that, he was grinning at me. "Fantastic. In that case, I would like to officially welcome you aboard the TARDIS, Evangeline Craine."

His grin was infectious and I couldn't help but smile back. As I made to look around again, preparing to ask him about the room we were currently in, a piece of my hair fell into my face. I lifted my hand to push it away and paused, noticing for the first time that my arm was covered in weird blue patches of different sizes. They must have come from the Doctor, clearly, because they hadn't been there before I'd passed out. From there, my eyes drifted down to the rest of me. Not only was my other arm covered in the same patches, but the clothing I was wearing was unfamiliar to me. Very strange. "What happened while I was out?"

If he noticed the confusion on my face, he didn't mention it. "You're under my care now, so I brought you to the infirmary inside the TARDIS."

"Infirmary?" I asked, doing my best to look clueless. "Your TARDIS has its own hospital?"

"You could call it that, yes." The Doctor looked around the room with pride. He loved a good chance to brag about his blue box. "And more. I'll have to give you a proper tour once you're feeling up to it. And I took care of your injuries while you slept. The blue patches, as I take it you noticed, are infused with Nanogenes to speed up the healing process." Nanogenes? I knew that word. Were those the little healing robots from "The Empty Child" episodes? "Under the patches is a topical gel, much more advanced than any you'll find on Earth."

Now that he mentioned it, the all-over aching I'd been feeling for the last month as Torchwood experimented on me were starting to disappear. They were still there and some areas of my body, my ribs for starters, were sorer than others, but the ache had definitely lessened. I raised my hand to the large blue patch on my right arm where the scientists had cut into me and pressed my fingers into it, testing. Pushing on it brought back an intense, stabbing pain, but that was it. The throbbing had disappeared along with the itchiness of the infection, and I could move my arm once again without wincing. I don't know if it was the fatigue I was still feeling or what, but my throat felt tight with emotion all of a sudden. I was finally starting to feel normal again. "Topical gel?" I asked, trying to compose myself before I started to cry again. "Like Neosporin? And what are Nanogenes?"

"Don't worry about that right now," the Doctor said, his grin softening as he took in what was probably sheer relief on my face. "How are you feeling? You've only been asleep for about twelve hours and some of your injuries are going to take some time to heal, even with the accelerated-"

"Better," I said, cutting him off before he could start rambling. Twelve hours? I couldn't remember the last time I'd slept for that long. But I felt like I'd barely slept for more than a few; I was still so exhausted. "Some things still hurt, like my arm, but the constant pain is gone. I feel… I feel like I can breathe again. I'm not 100% yet, but it's so much better than before." I looked back down at myself then, seeing the sheer number of blue patches all over my arms and my ankle. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Ask away."

"These aren't the same clothes I was wearing…" My words trailed off as the Doctor's eyes left mine, turning his head sheepishly to stare at something else. I was in a different set of clothes. The Doctor was the only one aboard the TARDIS…

"You see," he said slowly, still avoiding my gaze. "You were still wearing the clothes from Torchwood when you passed out in the alley. They were filthy and covered in your blood… I didn't think you would have wanted to wake up in those clothes again. So I found you a change of clothes, and I had to look at your injuries, so…"

"Oh, god, shut up." He had changed me. The Doctor, this 900-and-whatever year old Time Lord in front of me, had taken off my clothes and changed me. Patting my hands quickly against my chest, I was relieved to realize that I was wearing underwear at least. My knees were still pulled up to my chin and I buried my head in them, mortified. The Doctor had seen me naked, or mostly so. Could this get any worse?

To his credit, the Doctor sounded as mortified as I felt. "Under normal circumstances, I would never do something like that without your permission. I'm sorry. I was worried about how you would have reacted to waking up in clothes from that place." He was right, I realized. I'd like to think that I would have been fine seeing the Torchwood scrubs, but after that nightmare… I wasn't so sure. He cleared his throat, his voice taking on its normal tone as he pushed past that part of the conversation. "After I finished patching up your injuries, I ran some tests-"

In an instant, my whole body locked up. _Tests_. My breath began coming in short bursts. The Doctor was gone, replaced with images of needles being shoved into my skin, scientists holding scalpels, blood gushing from my arm. My screams as they cut into me filled my ears, mixed with the sounds of Ed's and Toupee's laughter.

"_Oh, Paige… Let us run more tests on you."_

"_We promise it won't hurt, Evangeline."_

Yvonne's voice in my head made me whimper. _"Today they are going to be isolating a piece of her for testing… Make sure they don't give her any anesthetic before the procedure."_

No, not again. Don't cut into me again. No more tests. Tests were bad, they hurt me.

"Evie, what's wrong?" I felt movement, and a hand on my arm.

I cried out in pain the moment the Doctor touched me, pulling back. I continued backing up until my hand slipped off the back of the bed, telling me I'd reached the end, and I was scrambling off and onto the floor. The floor was cold beneath my feet; the tiles of the Torchwood experiment room were all around me and I began to wheeze, unable to take in air. Oh, god, I was back there. I was back in Torchwood.

"_We need to test your heart and see if it exists. Evangeline, give us your heart."_

"You can't have my heart." I didn't recognize my own voice, shrill and terrified. "Get out of my head!" Cybermen voices filled my head, their hands on my arms. "No, no! No more tests!"

"Evangeline-" I heard the Doctor's voice again, my vision flashing between the white of the infirmary and the dark, grey walls of Torchwood. The medical bed was there one second, the next it was the black operating table. Stomach acid rose in my throat.

I heard the Doctor take a step before I could see it and I turned, sprinting for the door. I wasn't safe; the Doctor hadn't saved me. The door didn't open and I slammed into it. My hands were banging on it, even as the door began to spin in my vision. I felt like I was suffocating, my throat getting tighter and tighter. "Let me out!" Still, the door refused to open. There was movement behind me. I spun, pressing my back into the door now.

"_It's all your fault I'm dead."_

"_You deserve this. You deserve to die."_

My mother's hand struck my cheek again, my father's was around my heart, squeezing until I gasped. This wasn't happening, it couldn't be.

"Doctor-" I managed to choke out. "Tell me that this isn't… this isn't real." My hands were in my hair, trying to force the visions out.

His face was in mine and I locked on to his brown eyes, focusing only on them and not on the shifting room around me. "It's not real. It's just you and me here. Whatever you're seeing, it isn't real. Evangeline, you need to breathe." His voice was kind but stern, leaving no room for argument. "You're having a panic attack and you need to breathe." He took a deep breath in through his mouth and let it out, slowly, through his nose. "Can you follow my breathing?"

I nodded quickly, doing my best to ignore the image of the Cyberman standing right behind him. Breath in through the mouth, out through the nose. I followed the Doctor's breathing over and over. Slowly, the Cyberman disappeared, along with the voices and the experimentation room around me. The white of the infirmary returned and my heart rate started to slow down. The Doctor gave me a reassuring nod and reached his hand out. "No!" I cried, trying to push myself further into the door behind me. Why wouldn't it open? His hand froze in midair, unsure. "Please, Doctor, don't… Don't touch me right now."

There was pain in his expression as he pulled his hand back and instead held both of them up in front of his chest where I could see them clearly. "I won't touch you, not unless you tell me to. Deal?"

That sounded doable, and I nodded. "Doctor, how could you… while I was asleep, without asking me? After what they did to me? How could you do that to me?" My voice shook with the tremors still coursing through me. I was too shaken to be as angry as I wanted to be at the moment.

"Oh, Evie, I'm sorry" he said as a moment of understanding flashed across his face. "I'm so, so sorry. And thick! I never should have done those tests without asking you first." At the word _tests_, I shuddered involuntarily. He must have seen it because he ran a hand over his face, groaning at himself. "An idiot, I am. 900 years old and still an idiot. I'm so sorry."

I couldn't tell him it was okay. It wasn't, not yet. It had never even occurred to him that I wouldn't be okay with that, especially while I was unconscious. "One of my biggest fears at…" I couldn't bring myself to say the name, the visions still too fresh in my mind. My voice sounded so weak now, compared to when I'd woken up. "Was that they were going to knock me out and… I would never know what they'd done while I was asleep. Please, Doctor, no more te…" Even that word, I couldn't manage to get out right now.

The Doctor's eyebrows sagged in guilt, full of sorrow. "No more tests and no more touching, not without your permission."

"Promise?"

He nodded. "I promise. Unless, of course, it means saving your life, like it did when I brought you into the TARDIS."

"I can agree to that," I said after a moment. My legs began to buckle beneath me and I slid down the door behind me a few inches. My ankle didn't hurt as badly as it had before, but it was still sore and very weak.

"Let me help you," he offered, noticing my slipping. "What can I do?"

Instead of answering his question, I asked, "What did they say? The… Things that you checked, what did they say?"

He frowned at me, but I couldn't tell what he was thinking. Turning from me without saying anything, he walked to the rolling chair that sat next to the medical bed and wheeled it over in front of me. "Sit down first. You're already pale. It's too early for you to be up and about for this long."

Sitting down sounded so nice right now. I knew he was right; I was exhausted. If my eyes closed for more than a moment, I probably would have fallen asleep standing up. The only issue was I didn't think I could get my legs to move anymore. I didn't want to ask for help, still upset with him and his lack of thought, but there was no choice. Bracing my weight against the door onto my left arm, I slowly extended my right hand out to him. When he stared at it in confusion, I said, "Back at…" I still couldn't say it just yet, unwilling to risk bringing the memories back. "With you and Jackie, it wasn't so bad if I reached out first. It's the… unexpected contact that seems to scare me."

"Are you sure?" His eyes flickered between my hand and my face.

I nodded, bracing myself for the contact. Gently, the Doctor reached his hand out and wrapped it around mine. He didn't move or pull me, waiting for me to take the next step. My whole body tensed up at the touch and I forced myself to take a steadying breath, in through the mouth and out through the nose like he'd shown me, before the thoughts of Torchwood could overwhelm me. It still reminded me of that hell, of all the pain, but if I could prepare myself before the contact happened then it didn't seem so bad, somehow. I used his hand as leverage to pull myself off the infirmary door and swing into the white chair. It rolled backwards a few inches before stopping and I let go of him. "Thank you. So, what did they say, your results?"

"Well…" His voice took on a high-pitched tone I recognized from the show and his hand, the one I'd just been holding, went up to scratch at his head.

"Save it," I sighed, feeling my whole body sagging. I wasn't sure what I'd been expecting. If his results had been good, that would have meant that I did exist and that Yvonne had tortured me for no reason. Instead, she'd been right. My father's voice echoed in my head: _You deserve this. You deserve to die._ Yvonne had been right, maybe my father was, too. "I've been in the hospital enough, god knows I have enough issues with them, to know when doctors don't have good news."

The Doctor's hands were back in his pocket as he looked at me in the chair. "Which version of you? The girl you are now, or the girl you used to be?"

I had a feeling I would be getting those types of questions from him a lot now that he knew part of me was from a different world. "Both." His eyebrow went up, curiously waiting for an explanation. "When I was Paige, I had a sick family member. I was in and out of the hospital a lot, watching them waste away." I didn't mention that it was my mother. That was a conversation and memories I couldn't deal with right now on top of everything else. "Evangeline was institutionalized by one of her foster families. I may not have grown up as Evangeline, but all of her emotions and memories are there. The results said I still don't exist, right?"

"I ran everything I could think of on you," he said with some disappointment. "And they all came back the same. We'll figure it out, though." I didn't have the energy left to think about what that meant for me and leaned back in the chair instead, rubbing my hand over my eyes as a yawn took over. "You're exhausted, Evie."

"Yeah," I confirmed. There was no sense in denying it. "But I don't want to go back to sleep. The nightmares…" I couldn't handle seeing my mother like that again. Torchwood was one thing, but my mother…

"I think I can help with that." The Doctor's smile was understanding as he walked past me. I spun my chair around to watch. There was a tall cabinet in the corner of the room that he made his way to, opening it up and retrieving something small enough to hold in his fist. When he returned to me, he held his open palm out so I could see. In it were two pills, one red and one brown, that reminded me of the horse pills my mother used to take after she was diagnosed. "The brown one is an antibiotic of sorts from the Felanor plant on the planet Gulbarg. It should do the trick in kicking out the last of your infection and fever. The red one is from the planet Lemalia, where they actually dream walk through each other's dreams while they're sleeping. It's a very interesting process, actually, that I can tell you more about if you're interested. Or I could take you there one day. They developed this as a way to stop their children from having dreams until they're old enough to control the dream walking. It should keep you from dreaming while you're sleeping." Instead of handing them to me, he tucked them away inside his jacket pocket. "You need to take the brown one, the antibiotic, but you can decide on the other one when we get to your room."

"My room?" I couldn't help but brighten a little bit at the idea. Bedrooms were something that New Who never really touched on and it piqued my curiosity. "I get a room?"

"Of course," he couldn't help but laugh at the expression on my face. "The TARDIS has a bedroom for everyone who stays here. What do you say we go find yours so you can get some rest?"

"I say that sounds great." I tried to push myself up and out of the chair and stopped, feeling my arms start to shake at the slightest pressure. Most of my pain might have vanished, but it seemed that none of my strength had returned yet. "Can you help me up? I don't think I can get to my feet on my own." Remembering our conversation from earlier when I'd first woken, I added, "See? I'm capable of asking for help."

"I can see that," he said with a chuckle as he extended his arm out to me. I wasn't ready to take his hand again so soon and instead clutched his arm through his jacket sleeve. Pushing with my left hand off of the chair, I managed to get to my feet, stumbling slightly when the chair rolled backwards. Even though he dropped his arm to his side now, I still held on to the sleeve of his jacket. It wasn't quite touching, the lack of skin to skin contact making it more bearable, but it was comforting to me nonetheless. The Doctor didn't say anything but I could have sworn there was a soft smile on his face as he took a step forward.

The door slid open for him and, together, we stepped into the hallway. The hall extended off to both sides of us for a short way before turning at corners. The walls themselves were hexagonal in shape, giving the appearance that the space was larger than it actually was, and both the walls and the floor seemed like they were made out of a weird combination of stone and metal. The floor was a grey color, reminding me of the scrubs I'd been wearing before, and the walls were similar but tinted blue. Small, cylindrical light fixtures lined the walls every few feet. Weird; I wasn't entirely sure what I had expected the TARDIS hallways to look like. They had never shown them on the show, only hallways from the Eleventh Doctor's TARDIS and I couldn't even begin to remember what those looked like right now.

The Doctor began to lead me down to the left and I looked back at the infirmary door as it _whooshed _shut behind us. "Why didn't it open for me before when I was… you know?"

"The TARDIS is telepathic," he answered matter-of-factly, turning us down a corridor to the right. There were some random doors here, none labeled, and I briefly wondered how he knew which rooms were which. "She must have sensed your distress and barred the door so you wouldn't go running around and getting lost."

"Makes sense, I suppose. Or at least it makes as much sense as anything else does lately."

We walked in silence, the Doctor watching me in amusement as I took in every door we passed by. Some were different, like the infirmary door had been. I'd seen ones that slid open, ones that were open arches and led down other corridors, ones that looked like any typical door I'd seen a hundred times. What could be in all of these rooms? I couldn't wait to go exploring.

"The girl you used to be, the you from the other world, her name was Paige?" He asked after a few minutes. I nodded, wondering what he was getting at "Was she also found on the street when she was eight? Sorry, suppose I should ask if _you_ were found on the street when you were eight?"

"It's okay. I don't really know how to phrase it myself. Gives me a headache sometimes." Especially since I'd decided to continue using Evangeline's name, it had become a habit to refer to the Paige side of me like she wasn't me at all. It was that life I felt most connected to, but I was starting to feel more like Evangeline every day. If Evangeline had died that day, instead of me as Paige, would Evangeline's mind have come to my world? "But yeah, no memories from before that, just like Evie here. The only difference was that I, when I was Paige, was found by a couple who had been struggling to have their own kids. Guess it seemed like fate to them, and they adopted me. I was never in foster care like Evangeline was."

"And your mother, you said she passed?" He glanced at me as he asked his next question.

I felt like I was in a game of twenty questions, only I didn't get a turn to ask any. Though, to be fair, it wasn't everyday that he met someone with two lives inside their head. "Five years back."

"What about your father?"

That was where his game would stop. That was a conversation I wasn't willing to have just yet. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," I said abruptly, knowing that he would be filing that away for later. Before he could ask anything else or prod me about why I didn't want to talk, I quickly added, "You said the TARDIS is telepathic. Does that mean it's in my head?"

The Doctor stopped suddenly, worried. "Yes, the moment you came on board the TARDIS, she was in your head. She always will be, unless you eventually stop traveling with me. Is that okay?"

Ah, he was worried that I would be upset that no one had asked me if the TARDIS could invade my brain. Truth be told, if I hadn't already been aware that she would get into my head, I might not have been okay. But I had seen the show and I had expected this, which made it easier to deal with. Was there still something weird about knowing this presence was in my head? Yeah, a little bit. "I think I can live with that. Maybe because it, or she, isn't a person, so I can't see it happening? The TARDIS isn't just a wooden box that you fly around in, then, is it?" That was a question any normal person would have asked. I had to try and keep up the charade that I had no clue about any of this.

"It's bigger on the inside! The police box is a disguise." He said that part like gleeful child, so proud of his ship, as we rounded another corner. Suddenly, he stopped walking. "We're here. This is the bedroom hallway."

Bedroom hallway? Did that mean that different hallways served different purposes? Nevermind, that was a question for another day. The hallway looked the same, hexagonal with blue-grey walls, but all of the doors in this hallway were white. There were about eight doors in this hallway, four on either side. There had to be more than one hallway for bedrooms if he had one for every companion who ever traveled with him. "How do I know which one is mine?"

"If you can open the door, it's yours."

A glance at him had him nodding his head at the doors, silently encouraging me to pick one. Letting my hand drop from his sleeve, I chose one of the doors at random, the second door on the right, and wobbled on tired legs over to it. I couldn't help but stare at it in apprehension for a second. What if none of the doors opened? What if the TARDIS didn't want me here? The Doctor's footsteps followed me, though he stayed silent. Please let this door open, I couldn't help but chant inside my head as I placed my hand on the door knob and twisted. There was a click, an intense feeling of relief, and I let the door swing open. I felt the Doctor behind me as I stepped into the room.

The relief I felt a second ago was instantly replaced with surprise and disappointment when I saw the room that awaited me. My room. Or, rather, Evangeline's room. It was her room that I saw here. I had adopted her room as mine when I woke up in this world and it had begun to feel a little bit like mine when I was living there for a month with Regina. But, if I was being honest, it had never truly been and never truly would be my room. Like most of Evangeline's life, it was just another part I had invaded.

The room was mostly bare, save for the furniture, stripped of any decorations that I or Evangeline had placed in our rooms. There were no stars painted on Evangeline's lavender walls and no quote hung in a frame behind the bed. Evangeline's white wooden bed frame, complete with built in shelves in the headboard and drawers in the footboard, was set against the wall to the left with her same comforter that reminded me of the setting sky, fading from coral to a deep blue color. The same white wooden desk sat in the corner of the room but her dresser was gone, replaced with a giant matching chest against the far wall. There were two other doors, presumably leading to a closet and a bathroom. It wasn't a bad room; it was just Evangeline's.

"I did bring your duffel bag in from the alley," the Doctor spoke from behind me. I could feel his eyes on me as I took in the room. "I can bring it by later while you're sleeping if that's okay with you."

I nodded, a tightness in my throat that I wasn't sure I could explain preventing me from speaking. I'd accepted that I was Evangeline now and that Evangeline was me, even if it still didn't make any sense. But seeing her room… It was just another reminder that I had invaded her life and mine was gone. The worst part was that I couldn't even begin to explain why that was so upsetting. I wanted my life to be gone, didn't I? My own bedroom had been more a prison than anything, a room without a lock where I would hide, trapped by my father's presence in the house until he would bellow for me from the living room. It hadn't been a home. The day my father locked me in the closet so he could tear my room apart and burned every single picture I had of my mother, all while I screamed and cried until I made myself sick in the dark, was the day I'd stopped believing in the idea of a home. Evangeline's room was fine, it was better.

"Well?" I must have been quiet for too long, and I turned at the sound of his voice. The Doctor stuffed his hands in his pockets, looking unsure. I was awful; he'd saved my life and was giving me a room all of my own and I couldn't even pretend to look happy about it. "What do you think? Do you like it? The TARDIS tries to accommodate to what she thinks you'll be most comfortable in."

I didn't want it to be my room, from my world. I knew that much. So why was I so upset at seeing Evangeline's room? Was this really what my mind had wanted? "It's great."

"Evie, something's wrong. What is it?"

Was this how it was always going to be with him, practically able to read my thoughts? Hiding the fact that I'd seen his life as a television show would be much harder if he was going to catch me every time I lied. I shrugged at him, still not sure how to put my feelings into words. I didn't even really know what I was feeling right now. "No, it's not that. I just… I don't know what I was expecting." He glanced around the room, probably confused at what I could be disappointed in. "I'm in Evangeline's body now, makes sense that this would be Evangeline's room. I'll get used to it, just like I did before. It doesn't matter. Thank you, Doctor, for the room."

The Doctor opened his mouth, his brow furrowed, but closed it again before he said anything. He seemed unsure. Maybe he was disappointed that I didn't like the room, or maybe he just didn't know how to deal with a broken human girl. Every other companion had been such a strong, brave woman. I was going to turn out to be such a disappointment to him compared to them, compared to Rose. After a moment, he finally spoke, deciding it was best not to push. "If you need anything, all you have to do is ask the TARDIS. She's linked with you telepathically now so even if you just think it, she'll know. She'll let me know if you need me. And when you wake up, if you feel up to walking around, the TARDIS can also lead you to me."

He turned to leave and stopped, digging a hand into his jacket pocket. When he fished his hand back out, he held the two pills from before out to me. "You should take these before you go to sleep. Brown is the antibiotic, not optional, and the red one will keep you from dreaming should you choose to take it."

I took the pills from him, rolling them in the center of my palm. If only I'd had his magic pills when Mom was sick, or when the nightmares came to stay after she passed. "Thank you. I'm not sure I could go to sleep again if I knew I was going to have more of those nightmares…" My father's eyes as he ripped my heart out of my chest lingered in the back of my mind.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" I shook my head and he sighed. "Then you should get some sleep, and feel better."

The Doctor was halfway out the door into the hallway when I found myself calling his name. He paused, turning back to me curiously. "How are you doing?" I blurted. The words were out of my mouth before I even knew I was saying them. He had abandoned me at Torchwood, and I couldn't forgive him for that, not yet, but I knew the kind of grief he was feeling. I could forgive him, though, for running those... things on me while I was out. He hadn't realized, as incompetent as he could be on the show sometimes, and he hadn't meant any harm by it. But I could see the loss of Rose weighing on him, even as much as he was trying to hide it. It was obvious in the way he kept fidgeting with his hands in and out of his pockets, the slight sag in his shoulders, the way his smile didn't touch his eyes. "With Rose being gone, I mean." The question must have taken him by surprise because he made a sound, as if he were trying to brush it off like he was fine, and then nothing else came out. He was at a loss for words. "Scratch that. I can tell that you're falling apart."

"You can, can you?" He tried to laugh and make a joke out of it, but once again his smile fell flat.

"I can. I have experience in falling apart, you see." Both Evangeline and I did, plenty of it. "I've done it enough times, in both worlds, to know what it looks like. And to know how it feels." When my mother died, I'd spent months in a distant fog, similar to what I thought the Doctor might be going through right now. I could barely remember her wake, the fog was so dense. "It feels like it's not real, not yet. Like it's a bad dream that you'll wake up from. You keep turning corners, expecting her to be there. And the loss…" At the sound of the choked pain in my throat, the Doctor's eyes turned misty, reminded of his own suffering. "You feel like you can't breathe, because every breath reminds you that you're here and she's not."

"Evie…" A hand ran over his face, as if he could wipe it all away. But he couldn't, just as I couldn't make the heartbreak I felt every time I thought of my mother go away.

I knew I was right. I was spot on about his feelings, but he couldn't admit that to me. "You wanna fall apart, right? But you feel like you can't because there are so many other things you have to do, like save the universe or deal with your father who is somehow more broken than you are. It feels like she ripped out your heart and took it with her." A tear escaped my eye and I hastily wiped it away before it could roll down my cheek. "So, yes, Doctor, I can tell that you're falling apart. It's something I'm very good at. Am I close?"

He couldn't look at me for a few seconds, taken over by a bleak look of sorrow. "Something like that." When he finally met my eyes, it was in wonder, like I had cracked some sort of code that had been puzzling him.

I suddenly realized something, and I almost wanted to smack myself. Had he gone to see Rose yet? Normally, he would have gotten to that point on his own. But he'd been so busy taking care of me that I was worried he wouldn't realize he could do it until it was too late. "When my mother died, I woke up every day for weeks thinking it had been a nightmare and that she would be waiting for me in the kitchen like she always had. It felt like someone was stomping on my chest every time I realized it wasn't a dream, and she wasn't coming back." I shifted the pills in my palm to my other hand, finding it hard to talk about this. I had gone for so long without anyone to really talk to about Mom, and the fact that this was the Doctor in front of me, someone I'd never dreamed in a million years could be real, didn't make it any easier. "The worst part…"

"There's a worse part?" he asked, sounding somewhat skeptical that anything could be worse than this pain he was feeling.

"The worst part is that I didn't get to say goodbye." I thought he looked somewhat surprised at that, even as I quickly forced myself to block out the memory of the last time I saw my mother. "I was young and so stupid and I didn't realize… I wasn't there when she died. I didn't get to say goodbye to her one last time. And it still kills me to this day. I'll never regret anything more than that. But you, Doctor, you didn't get to say goodbye, either. Is there any way you…"

With a shake of his head, I let myself fall silent. Any trace of a smile was gone, leaving behind a broken man in front of me. He let himself sag back against the door frame, defeated. "'Fraid not. The Void sealed itself off; no way to access that parallel world now. Rose is gone."

If I didn't do something, he was never going to get his final moment with Rose. But how to get him there without hinting that I knew something I shouldn't? I did my best to feign a sad, thoughtful expression, like I was truly pondering something big. "Did you try, or did you give up before you could?" There it was, the frown turning up slightly. Just a little bit more. "From what it sounded like, every time someone or something came through, it opened up a new hole in the breach, right?" He nodded, and I could almost see the gears beginning to turn in that big brain of his. "The Cybermen appeared all over the world. They would need a lot of holes for that, not just one? Maybe all the holes didn't slam shut at once?"

I had more I could have said but I cut myself off when the Doctor's eyes began to widen and light up like it was Christmas. His arms reached out like he was going to hug me, causing me to back up a step, but he stopped himself before he could, remembering our deal. "Evangeline Craine, you are brilliant! You get some sleep. Don't forget, brown pill." With that, he spun on his heel and bolted out the door, his footsteps echoing down the hall as he ran.

The door closed behind him with a barely audible click. At least I'd been able to help him. Now that the Doctor was gone, the silence settled on me like a weight. I didn't like the quiet; too many days spent locked up in my silent cell at Torchwood had turned it into something menacing. I briefly wondered if the TARDIS could hook up some kind of bluetooth system for my phone, if I ever got a replacement one. That wasn't important right now, though. All I wanted to do at the moment was sleep. But first things first, I was dying to take a hot shower and wash the grime away. Finally, a shower where I didn't have to worry about Ed or Toupee making good on their promises to walk in on me if I wasn't done quick enough. I shuddered at the thought, trying to put it out as quickly as it entered.

The two pills in my palm were set down on the nightstand next to the bed as I crossed the room to the door on the right, taking a fifty-fifty guess at which of the doors in the room would lead to the bathroom. The Doctor hadn't mentioned any side effects from taking either medication but I was tired enough as it was without risking them making me even drowsier. Knowing my luck, I'd pass out while I was in the shower and drown.

I had chosen correctly, at least, and the door on the right did indeed lead me into the bathroom. It was quaint, certainly my style, but by no means tiny. A round tub, pristine white and large enough for me to lie in completely submerged, with a showerhead and slate grey shower curtain sat to my left. A matching wooden grey vanity sat across from it, complete with a raised square sink and enough space on either side for any number of products I might need. A set of towels, plush and periwinkle, currently sat on one side of the sink, waiting to be used. The room itself was large enough that I could have stretched out on the tiled floor with my arms and legs out as far as they could go on the round lavender rug in the center of the floor and still not have come even close to touching the walls.

Standing in the middle of the bathroom, I peeled off my pajamas and let them drop to the floor. If only I could have rid myself of the last month as easily as I did the scrubs. At least I didn't have to worry about spending energy trying to find pajamas to wear now. There was a weird feeling in my chest, like my heart thumping out an extra beat, and a rush of heat made its way to my cheeks suddenly. I'd known the Doctor for less than twenty-four hours at this point and he'd already seen me naked, or mostly so. He'd _undressed_ me, had changed me like an invalid. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever imagined that being one of the Doctor's first interactions with me. I guarantee it was one of Lexa's dreams, though, and that thought had me forgetting my awkward mortification for a brief moment.

The faucet was easy enough to figure out in my tired state, a standard two-knob configuration. Once I had determined which one was for the hot water, I twisted it all the way up and slowly added cold water until the temperature was as hot as my hand could stand. A bath sounded great right now, but a shower would have to do. If I lied down in a bathtub right now I was almost positive I wouldn't be able to get back up. Along with the towels on the vanity, a full set also hung within arm's reach of the shower on the wall.

It took a moment for my skin to acclimate to the intense heat of the shower but I didn't care. I stood there underneath the showerhead, letting it wash over me like a waterfall, feeling all the tension draining from my upper body with the rivulets cascading down my skin. It had been so long since I'd had a proper shower. Ed and Toupee had let me use a locker room type of shower a handful of times, particularly after I'd soiled myself, but they had menacingly warned me not to take more than a few minutes. One time while alone with Toupee he'd actually referred to it as a "punishment" if I took too long and his eyes had roved over me from head to toe, lingering in unwelcomed areas so long I wondered if Yvonne had somehow given him x-ray vision.

The Doctor had saved me. He may have screwed up a couple times since then and it still hurt more than I cared to admit that he had forgotten about me, but he had saved me. He was _real_, something I still couldn't believe, and he had saved my life, in more ways than one.

I stood there like that, eyes closed underneath the showerhead, until I felt myself starting to doze off. Forcing my drowsy eyelids open, I scanned the tub until I located shampoo, conditioner, and body wash on a small stand at the back of the tub behind me.

"Sorry for the comment about the room." It felt weird to be talking out loud like this to the TARDIS, with no idea how she might feel about me. Could she tell that there was something wrong with me, or that I knew things I shouldn't about the Doctor and his life? Would she hate me for not being honest with him or for not existing? "I know you put a lot of effort into making the room the way I'm used to, and I haven't even thanked you properly yet. I'm sorry. But thank you for that, and for somehow putting the Doctor in my path. I don't know how you knew I would be in that alley, but I'm assuming you had something to do with him being there at that moment."

A bizarre vibrating sensation, almost like a humming, passed through my mind. It was gone in little more than an instant and I felt myself smiling. It was the TARDIS responding, had to be. I wasn't sure what she'd said or why she was bothering to talk to me, but the humming had felt pleasant, almost warm. I liked it; made me feel less alone in this big old ship.

I washed my body twice, scrubbing each time until my pale skin turned pink. If only I could scrub away the last month like I could the dirt and blood. The blue patches the Doctor had placed over my wounds and bumps didn't budge and I could only hope that the topical gel he'd used under the patches was cleaning the skin there for me since I couldn't reach it. At least I felt clean again and I could run my fingers through my hair without cringing at how grungy it felt. Finally, I twisted the faucet knobs until the water trickled to a stop and stepped out of the tub, holding onto the porcelain side for balance.

A plush bath mat the color of stone kept my feet from hitting the cold tiled floor as I reached for one of the bath towels hanging on the wall. I dried my face, then wrapped the towel around my torso, trying not to see how noticeable my rib and hip bones were beneath my skin now. The wondering thought of how much weight I might have lost since being kidnapped had my eyes raising involuntarily to the vanity mirror across from the shower. I sucked in a quick breath, startled by the stranger looking back at me. As I forced myself to move closer, I couldn't help the appalled sense that took over me.

I didn't recognize myself. Everywhere my eyes flitted, harsh lines and bones jutted out at me. I hadn't been obese before, but I'd been contentedly curvy. I was a stress eater, and my father was stressful. That was all gone now, from the lack of flabby skin under my arms to the sharp angles of my shoulders. Even my cheeks looked sunken in and the dark circles underneath my eyes from lack of sleep gave me the impression of a skeleton. That's what I was now, a skeleton of who I used to be. My sallow skin was desperately in need of some sun. The most vibrant part of me was no longer my two different colored eyes, which were now tinged with red and puffy, but the blue patch covering my left cheek and the bruise Toupee had no doubt left when he'd hit me after trying to escape.

This wasn't the girl I remembered. This wasn't me. This _thing_ in the mirror was a zombie that I didn't recognize and that I didn't want to be. I found myself turning my eyes down to my wrist at the tattoo scripted into my skin. _Life goes on_. Funny how, even though I hadn't chosen to get them, Evangeline's tattoos seemed to resonate with me. Life would go on; I just had to remember that. It had gone on before when things looked bleak, and it would go on now. I was out of Torchwood. The Doctor had saved me, had come back for me, and I could start to recuperate now.

Unable to stand looking at the stranger in the mirror any longer, I turned my back to it so I could finish drying off. Once my body was dry, I flipped my head upside down so the towel could be wrapped around my dripping hair and I stepped back into the pajamas on the floor. It didn't much matter to me right now what I slept in. When I woke up, I'd take a look at the closet in the bedroom and see what clothing choices the TARDIS had to offer.

Once the pajamas were on, I pulled the towel from my hair, squeezing the last of the water out as it came off, and made sure to hang it back up on the wall. The TARDIS had been more than kind to me so far and it felt wrong to leave a dirty towel on her floor. As I turned to leave the bathroom, my eyes caught a drinking glass sitting on the vanity that I was positive hadn't been there before. Had the TARDIS put it there while I was showering? Seeing the glass made me realize just how thirsty I actually was, and likely how dehydrated I was. Avoiding looking in the mirror as much as possible, I filled the glass from the sink and drank it down a total of three times before I filled it again to keep on the nightstand. After all, I would need something to wash the pills down with and I tended to get thirsty in the middle of the night.

Back in the bedroom, I returned to the two pills sitting on the nightstand. I swallowed the brown one, the antibiotic, first, figuring it was the most important one. Then down the red one went, and I only hoped the Doctor was right about it being able to stop my nightmares. If I had any more dreams like the one from before… I don't think I would sleep again. It was bad enough I had insomnia and could barely get more than an hour or two of sleep most nights, but the nightmares would make it near impossible to even want to sleep at all. This pill had better work.

With every passing second, the bed was looking more and more inviting. Where was the light switch? It would be nice to control my own lights again, but I couldn't find a switch on the wall anywhere. The lamp next on the nightstand had one that I promptly turned off, but nothing for the light hanging from the ceiling. The TARDIS must have read my thoughts and, as if on cue, the light in the room slowly began to dim. When it was dark enough that I could just see the shape of the bed, I awkwardly asked, "Can you leave it there? I don't think I'm ready to be alone in the dark just yet." A hum brushed the back of my mind, and she obliged. "Thank you." It was just light enough that I would still be able to see if I needed to, and that put me at ease a little bit. Chances of anything hurting me on the TARDIS were slim, but it made me feel better to know I wouldn't be completely disoriented if I need to be up in a rush.

It had been a whole month since I'd had the privilege of sleeping in a real bed. A happy, exhausted sigh escaped my lips when I pulled back the covers and climbed in. The beige sheets had a brushed cotton feel against my skin as I pulled them up to my chin and rested my head back into the pillow. Somehow, the TARDIS had even gotten the pillows right, a firm memory foam type of material that cushioned without letting my head sink too far into it.

I wished briefly for the stuffed bear from Regina's that was in my duffel bag. It reminded me of the one my mother had given me one year when I was young. It was interesting that Evie had one, too, from Regina, but that was a coincidence I'd never cared much to worry about. What was Regina doing, now that I was gone? Would she be okay without me? When would I be able to go back and see her?

I couldn't think much past those questions, though, or even begin to contemplate answers to them. My eyes were already beginning to close against my will and the room was disappearing into a blurry haze behind my eyelids.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to leave a Kudos or a comment if you want to let me know what you think! I'll be doing a TARDIS tour chapter soon so if you have any ideas for rooms that the TARDIS should have in it, let me know!


	10. Runaway Evie

Chapter 10: Runaway Evie

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_~"When you start to wonder whether you can trust someone or not, that is when you already know you don't."~_

_Unknown_

* * *

Waking up was like trudging through quicksand. Every time I felt the flutter of consciousness trying to take hold, exhaustion latched on and dragged me back down into a dreamless sleep. I didn't fight it. After all, Ed and Toupee would be in sooner than later for another day of misery. It was a miracle I had even slept this long without them barging in.

My eyes flew open as my heart began to race. Something was wrong. Ed and Toupee _always_ came for me before I had a chance to sleep for very long. Where were they? Where was _I_? I couldn't see much, the room too dark to make out more than dark shapes in front of me, but it was clear that I wasn't in my cell anymore. Where had they taken me? Had they moved me while I was asleep? I sat up quickly when the room around me suddenly began to brighten, my eyes scanning for the source of the light.

I surveyed the entire room three different times before my memories came back to me and my heart began to slow back down to a normal rhythm. This room… It was my room. No… It was Evangeline's room, but even that wasn't completely true. I was… on the TARDIS. _The_ TARDIS. The Doctor's TARDIS. He had come back for me, _after_ he had left me behind.

He had left me behind. The thought hit me like a punch to the gut, sucking all the air out of me and leaving me doubled over in the bed I was sitting up in. I couldn't believe he had _left me_ at Torchwood. He had lost Rose and he was grieving, but… I had been right there. Right there, right behind him, and he hadn't seen me chasing him, hadn't heard me screaming his name until my voice was raw. I was so small, so unimportant, that I'd become invisible in his grief.

Was he really the same Doctor I knew?

A piece of my hair, finally clean for the first time in weeks, slipped past my ear and dangled in front of my eyes. A blue patch on my arm caught my attention when I went to push it out of my face. That's right; I'd woken up before in the infirmary.

"_After I finished patching up your injuries, I ran some tests-"_

The Doctor's voice came back to me suddenly, ringing in my ears and sending a heavy shudder down my spine. Don't think of Torchwood, I tried to tell myself. It didn't help, of course, all of my thoughts ran straight to that place. The Doctor had run tests on me while I was unconscious… Had Torchwood done that? Had they waited until I was so exhausted that I couldn't physically wake up, or maybe it was during the period of time where I was so delirious from pain after they cut into my arm? Maybe they would have just knocked me out on their own, keeping me from remembering anything they might have done? How many tests had they done without my knowledge, or worse…?

I shook my head, my stomach beginning to roil. No, I would know if they had done something to me when I wasn't awake. Wouldn't I? But then… Would I have known the Doctor had run those tests if he hadn't told me?

A sudden surge of nausea had bile rising in my throat and I bolted from the bed when I couldn't force it down. There was barely enough time to make it to the toilet bowl in the bathroom before I was throwing up whatever water and acid were left in my stomach. When the little that was in me was gone, my stomach continued to convulse, and I was dry heaving into the bowl for what felt like an eternity. When eternity finally passed, I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand and lifted my head, pausing.

The pristine white porcelain of the toilet was gone, replaced with a dingy silver metal. My breath hitched in my throat, my vision starting to swim. "Please, no…" The vanity, rug, and tub had disappeared and the room had closed in around me. The sob that left my throat echoed off the cramped, dark walls. Where was the TARDIS bathroom? Where was the Doctor?

Torchwood. This was Torchwood.

I couldn't help but scream, my voice still coming out raw and broken, as I fell back onto my hands and bottom. The dark space seemed to shrink impossibly smaller, caving in around me, and the wall behind me was too close, preventing me from scrambling backward any further. Were those metal footsteps thundering in my ear, or my own heartbeat?

"This isn't real, this isn't real…" I chanted to myself over and over again, evidently my new mantra. My knees came up to bury my head in, the room disappearing as I closed my eyes. I wasn't in Torchwood, I couldn't be! The Doctor had saved me. He had come for me. Had it all been a dream? What if I was just imagining all of this, that I had been saved, as some cruel new torture experiment Ed and Toupee had thought up?

No, that was crazy. This wasn't real. Torchwood had to be the nightmare, the thing I was imagining here. The Doctor had saved me, I know he had. "Doctor…"

Jackie had said I reminded her of Rose. But Rose was so full of strength, and I was nothing like her. She wouldn't be cowering in the corner like this, too afraid of what she might see to lift her head. Rose wouldn't let her fear control her, not like this.

This wasn't real, I told myself one last time and raised my head until I could see just past the tops of my knees. The tiles and walls were white once more, as well as the toilet, which was still full of my sick from moments ago. The TARDIS bathroom, _my_ bathroom, was back. My breath shook as I released the one I'd been holding. You're imagining things, Evie, get it together. You're safe. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt "safe," not at least since Mom had been diagnosed. Did I even know what that word meant anymore?

After a few deep breaths to calm my racing heart, I attempted to pull myself together. Reaching up, I swiped my hand at the flapper on the toilet to flush it, then used the closed toilet seat to pull myself to my feet. I braced for the inevitable pain that always came with movement anymore, only to feel a moment of confusion when it didn't come. Wait, no pain?

That was when I realized that, aside from the nausea and the terror I had just endured, I was feeling much better. I'd been so wrapped up in my own thoughts fears that it hadn't occurred to me when I woke up that I wasn't aching and throbbing all over. How long had I slept for? With no phone and no clock next to the bed, there was really no way to know, except maybe for asking the Doctor, wherever he was.

Somehow it felt like I had both slept forever and yet not long enough at the same time. I was awake, but there was a distinct sense of complete mental and physical exhaustion present deep inside of me. Considering how long I'd been at Torchwood and what they had put me through, I supposed I couldn't be surprised that my body would need more time to recuperate. It didn't matter how long I had slept for, though, or at least not as much as the fact that I couldn't remember dreaming. Whatever pill the Doctor had given me to stop the dreams truly seemed to work, and I wondered if he would give me a supply of it so I would never have to dream again. Good dreams had been a rare occurrence for me for a long time.

Curiously, I pressed my fingers into some of the blue patches on my right arm, testing for pain. The small spots felt perfectly fine, though the large area where Torchwood had… I didn't want to think about it, shaking my head to dispel the memories that threatened to spring to life. That spot was still tender, sore like a bruise might be, but the stabbing knife of pain was gone. I did the same with my other arm, then ran my fingers down my abdomen, feeling at the big patch wrapped around my ribs. It didn't hurt to breathe anymore but, like my arm, my ribs would need some more time to heal. I discovered the same with my ankle now that I was standing. I could walk, but I wouldn't be running a marathon anytime soon. That made sense; the Doctor had said some of my injuries would take time. Even he wasn't a miracle worker.

The lack of pain was overwhelming, reminding me again that I was _safe_. I could handle the terrifying thoughts of Torchwood and the memories that came with it, as long as I could remember that.

Taking as deep a breath as my healing ribs would allow, I padded my way over to the vanity so I could brush my teeth and wash my face. Some of my color had come back, I realized when I looked into the mirror. I was still too skinny, too wasted away, and there was a big blue patch on my cheek still, but at least the zombie-look from last night was gone. Sometime during the course of the night, a hairbrush had materialized on top of the vanity, next to the towels. I assumed it was courtesy of the TARDIS and very gratefully ran it through my too-long brown hair. It still bothered me that Evangeline's hair was much longer than my own, than Paige's, had been, but that wasn't important right now. What was important was finding the Doctor, and at the very least thank him for the pill that allowed me to sleep.

When I walked back into the bedroom, I noticed a familiar duffel bag sitting near the door into the hallway. I had almost forgotten about the bag I'd brought with me from Regina's, and the important items I'd packed in there. The Doctor must have brought it while I was asleep. That meant he had been in here while I was sleeping, but at least that was preferable to…

Don't think about it, Evie. Don't think about the Time Lord undressing you and seeing you half-naked.

In an effort to distract myself from that embarrassing experience, I made my way over to the duffel bag and knelt down to unzip it. Evangeline's stuffed bear, eerily similar to my own bear back home, sat right on top. There would be time to finish unpacking later, but for now I only needed a change of clothes.

By the time I stepped out of my bedroom into the TARDIS hallway a few minutes later, I was feeling more like a human being again. It was an odd feeling to be wearing normal clothes and shoes again, after spending at least the last month in Torchwood scrubs. But wearing clothes from before Torchwood made me realize how much weight I had truly lost during the month of hell. It had been obvious last night, from the way my ribcage had stuck out so prominently even through the blue patch wrapped around it, and now it was clear I'd lost more than just a few pounds. My dark blue jeans, once comfortably snug, were now visibly baggy and sliding down my hips. The grey long sleeve shirt was in a similar state, much looser than I remembered it being, but it wasn't as noticeable as the jeans were. Thankfully, the shirt came down far enough that the jeans continually sliding down on me wouldn't be obvious.

Standing in the hallway, I felt very small. The TARDIS stretched on around me with her hexagonal walls in both directions. It was just a hallway, but I found myself momentarily taken by the sheer impossibility of the moment. I was standing in the TARDIS… Oh, Lexa, wherever you are, I wish I could share this with you.

"TARDIS?" It felt a little silly to be talking out loud like someone was there, but there was a feeling of relief when a small buzzing sensation passed through my head. I was almost positive I had imagined the TARDIS talking to me last night and was glad to know I hadn't. Knowing she was there made the vast hallway feel a little less empty. "Can you point me towards the Doctor?" As if she were answering me, a light along the wall to my right flickered several times. None of the lights to my left did the same, and I assumed it was her way of directing me.

I thanked the beautiful blue box and started off down the hallway. It felt good to be moving on my own, free of the majority of my pain, for the first time in a long time. As I walked, following the curves of the hallway and the occasional flickering light, I tried to ignore the very strange feeling of wearing shoes again. When was the last time I had worn shoes? My feet felt cramped inside of the Keds I'd brought with me and my left ankle, encased in the mending wrap, was more than a little snug. I did my best not to think about it, figuring that I would get used to wearing shoes again eventually.

I was just beginning to think the TARDIS had led me on a wild goose chase when my ears started to pick up voices. That was odd, though. The Doctor should be the only other one on the ship. So why did I hear more than one voice?

"What?" Getting close to the end of the hallway, I could make out the Doctor's voice clearly. He sounded confused about something. The sound of his voice sent my stomach flipping inside of me, bringing up some mixed feelings. I wasn't sure if I was still angry with him for leaving me behind, or happy that he was real after all and that I was here. Was it possible for me to be both? "You can't do that, I wasn't... we're in flight! That is... that is physically impossible! How did...?" What was he going on about?

It wasn't until I heard the other voice in the conversation that I realized just what was happening. "Tell me where I am." Donna! That was Donna Noble's voice. With everything going on, it had slipped my mind that her "Runaway Bride" Christmas special happened right away. Though, I suppose now that this was real life I couldn't really call it a "special" anymore. I hastened my pace, almost jogging down the rest of the hallway to the open archway leading to the voices. "I demand you tell me right now. Where am I?"

I rounded the corner of the archway and stopped dead in my tracks, mesmerized. The Doctor stood several feet away, his back to me and confusion evident in his posture, and Donna, in all of her wedding dress glory, stood on the other side facing him. But even more impressive than either of them being real now was the room we were all standing in. The console room.

I had been unconscious when the Doctor had brought me through here before, and so far I had only seen my room along with the infirmary and the hallways. But the console room… The 10th Doctor's had always been my favorite. The walls, bathed in a soft yellow glow, were covered in small hexagonal shapes and stretched upwards to create a domed ceiling. Four beige structures that had always reminded me of a coral of sorts stood at what might be considered the corners of the rom, tall enough to touch the ceiling. The floor beneath my feet was made up of fine mesh-like grates, allowing my eyes to see down into the inner-workings of the TARDIS beneath the console, not that I could tell what any of the wiring or bits down there in the glowing light actually were. The console itself, complete with a myriad of buttons and levers, with a translucent tube extending straight up in the center, stood proudly between the human and the Time Lord. The whole room was absolutely beautiful, and more amazing than I could have ever imagined it would be in real life.

"It's called the TARDIS." The Doctor's voice dragged me out of my reverie and I realized I had missed part of the conversation. They were both so consumed with the bizarre situation happening that neither of them had noticed me yet.

Donna's voice was reaching a bellowing level, sounding louder in this rounded space than it had in the hallway. "That's not even a proper word. You're just saying things!"

I did my best to arrange my face into something that looked more like confusion and less like awe before I spoke up. "Doctor?" Inside I was brimming with excitement. Donna Noble was right there, and I was standing inside of the TARDIS's console room. Not for the first time since I'd woken as Evangeline, I wondered if this was truly real life.

The Doctor whirled around, the picture of bewilderment. His brown hair was even more tousled than usual as his hand scratched at it. "Evangeline?" He said my name in surprise, like he wasn't expecting me to be awake yet. Or… Had he forgotten about me again? I wasn't sure which one was the correct answer, trying to push down the hurt that threatened to rise up at the uncertainty.

I did my best to ignore the feeling, gesturing at Donna. The redhead was in an obvious freakout, her chest heaving up and down with panicked breaths. "Did you recruit another TARDIS member while I was sleeping?"

Donna paced forward a couple footsteps, her wild eyes roving over me. "Who's this? Who are you? Did you kidnap her, too?

The Doctor began to stammer, the impossibility of Donna appearing on the ship taking over his ability to speak ,apparently. I took a step forward, raising my hands in a somewhat placating manner. "Whoa there. Slow down, Don-" I cut myself off at the last minute, catching the mistake before I let her whole name slip out. I shouldn't know her name, and it would be a huge red flag to both of them if I somehow did. Damn it, I had to be more careful. I cleared my throat, hoping it would just seem like I had gotten tongue-tied. "I'm not sure what you think he's done, but the Doctor doesn't kidnap people." I paused for a second, then added, "He leaves them behind and comes back for them eight hours later."

There must have been a hard edge in my voice then because the Doctor shot me a look with an eyebrow raised. "One angry woman at a time here, please. How did you get in here?"

"Well, obviously, when you kidnapped me." Apparently my defense of the Doctor not being a kidnapper did nothing to persuade Donna. "Who was it? Who's paying you? Is it Nerys? Oh, my God, she's finally got me back. This has got Nerys written all over it."

"Who the hell is Nerys?" the Doctor asked, his mouth hanging open in confusion. His hand scratched at the back of his head, messing up his hair even further. He was looking at her up and down repeatedly, a slow realization dawning on him. "Wait a minute… What're you dressed like that for?"

"I'm going ten pin bowling," she said calmly, as if it was obvious, and then her voice jumped several octaves. Goodness, Donna could really yell. "Why do you think, Dumbo? I was halfway up the aisle!"

"Wait," I interrupted suddenly with a question I'd always somewhat wondered about whenever I had seen this episode. "Why do you need to specify that it's ten pin bowling?" In unison, both Donna and the Doctor turned their heads to look at me in disbelief. "What? In my universe, in America, bowling is just bowling. Why do you call it ten pin bowling here? Is there a difference?"

Donna chose to ignore my question, turning away from me and walking off past the console. Her hands waved around in the air as she continued grumbling about the situation. "I've been waiting all my life for this…"

"I can explain the differences between bowling pins to you later, Evie. I'll even show you the bowling alley-"

"...you drugged me or something!"

Focusing back on Donna's accusations, the Doctor groaned and turned back to the TARDIS console. "I haven't done anything!" he griped in defense as his hands flew over buttons and knobs, twisting and turning.

"That's true. He never does anything."

I clamped my mouth shut as he shot me an offended look over his shoulder, all while still fiddling with the controls. "Excuse you, Evie, but I don't think you know me well enough to make that kind of statement."

"Well, you _didn't_ remember to take me with you and you _didn't_ remember to come back for me for eight hours, so-Wait, don't go out there!" As quick as my feet could take me, I bounded across the console room to Donna just as she reached the doors to the TARDIS. The Doctor had been so busy with me that neither of us had noticed her getting ready to walk right out into space.

The moment she pulled open the double doors, we both went still. Donna let out a small gasp beside me, and I likely mirrored whatever awestruck expression she was wearing. Outside the doors, I stared into the wide expanse of the universe, stars speckled everywhere like splatters of paint on a black canvas. The TARDIS was parked in front of some sort of supernova, a bright, glowing star slowly dissolving into shadows of red and pink, lighting up the darkness around it.

I felt the Doctor's presence behind me before he spoke, the hairs on the back of my neck involuntarily rising. "You're in space. Outer space. This is my… spaceship. It's called the TARDIS."

Glancing back over my shoulder, I found the Doctor's dark eyes trained, not on the wondrous site in front of us, but on me, his expression unreadable. I didn't like not being able to tell what he was thinking. "Doctor, what were you thinking? A strange woman on your TARDIS and you're not paying attention. What if I hadn't stopped her?"

"How am I breathing?" Donna's question came quietly, as if speaking too loudly would disturb the beauty out there.

I found myself staring out into space a second time, too mesmerized by the pastel colors floating in the darkness to keep myself from responding. "The TARDIS is protecting us."

"How do you know that?" I realized my error even before the Doctor spoke, his eyebrow raised in a look like he wasn't quite sure what to make of me yet. "I haven't had the chance to explain how the TARDIS works yet."

Almost two mistakes in the span of just a few moments. I really had to start thinking before I spoke. "She must be, right?" I hoped the shrug I gave was enough to convince him that I was just assuming information. "I've seen enough science fiction movies and television shows to know that a wooden box isn't exactly airtight, Doctor. Even if it was, the air should have been sucked out when she opened the door. So it makes sense that we're not dead right now because the TARDIS must be protecting us."

For a moment, it looked like he wasn't going to buy it. Then he smiled and nodded. "Good job."

"You're bizarre, both of you," Donna said, her voice still missing the livid tone from before. "Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor, and this is Evangeline."

"Call me Evie," I corrected him, not for the first time since we'd met. Evangeline was so formal. "You?"

"Donna."

He gave Donna a quick look over. "Human?"

"Yeah," she scoffed. "Is that optional?"

"Well, it is for me," he answered.

It was Donna's turn to run her eyes over him, not quite as surprised as she was moments ago. "You're an alien. And you?" She nodded her head at me before looking back and forth between the two of us.

"Oh, I'm human. Technically."

She looked like she wanted to press further on the technicality but thought better of it and gave one last long look to the view of outer space in front of her. "It's freezing with these doors open." She wasn't wrong about that.

Reaching past me and coming close enough that I had to duck under his arm to avoid touching him, the Doctor grabbed the two wooden doors and closed them. Then, like a flip had been switched, he ran back up to the console and began talking, his mouth moving at a million miles a minute. "But I don't understand it and I understand everything!"

While Donna followed him up the grated ramp, I took the opportunity to get a closer look at the walls and coral structures. I had spent so many years viewing this room from a seat on a couch, through a television or computer screen, and now it was real. Not just a fake scene, either, like you might find if you went to the set, but truly _real_. My hand reached out, my fingertips brushing the slightly bumpy texture of the tall structure in front of me. I had just seen outer space, a live supernova. The corners of my lips turned up in a small smile.

I turned to rejoin the Doctor and Donna, but paused when I saw what he was doing. In his hands was some sort of scope that he was holding up to Donna's eye, the same way an optometrist might for an eye exam. He was moving it from one eye to the other, rambling off some sort of technobabble I couldn't quite understand.

My heart began to beat just a little too fast inside of my chest and my palms began to sweat. I wiped them on my jeans quickly, trying to push back the familiar feeling that was starting to creep up on me: the sinking feeling that would suffocate me every time Ed and Toupee would come for me. For a brief, terrifying moment, I couldn't breathe, overwhelmed with thoughts of every test or experiment that had been forced upon me. My eyes squeezed shut against the images that came with them and I took a shaky breath in, attempting to steady myself. When I opened my eyes again, my hands were trembling and I tucked them underneath the sides of my arms to keep it from showing. The Doctor was still holding the scope up to Donna's eyeball, oblivious to the rage turning her face redder with every word he rambled off.

He'd done it again. Twice in less than a day, he was scanning someone, _again_, without asking them how they felt about it, without considering how his actions might affect the other person. Just like he had done to me last night, running tests on me while I was passed out. I had thought I could forgive him for it at the moment. After all, he hadn't meant any harm by it. But it didn't change the fact that I felt violated…

Having had enough of him invading her personal space, Donna reached up and slapped him, the sound of her hand on his cheek filling the room. My own hand went to my cheek, to the blue patch where Toupee had hit me.

"What was that for?" The Doctor's mouth hung open indignantly.

"Get me to the church!" she demanded, looking about ready to slap him again.

"Right! Fine! I don't want you here anyway!" He turned, dropping the scope into some kind of satchel hanging off the console, and began running his hands once more over different buttons and levers. The whole top of the console began to light up with various movements. "Where is this wedding?"

"Saint Mary's, Hayden Road, Chiswick, London, England, Earth." Donna followed him as he rounded the console, taking a deep breath to add, "The Solar System!"

As she marched around the side opposite the captain's chair, she caught sight of a purple jacket hanging over the metal railing. That was Rose's jacket, and she made a beeline straight for it. I wanted to stop her, knowing what the sight of it would do to the Doctor, but I hadn't quite found my voice yet. My hands were still quivering under my arms. "I knew it; acting all innocent." Donna snatched the jacket up, stomping back over to the Doctor. Her voice was full of venom. "I'm not the first, am I? And neither is Evie there. How many women have you abducted?"

At first the Doctor looked up into her face, wondering what the hell she could be going on about now. When his eyes settled on the purple fabric, his face fell, his shoulders sagging along with it. "That's my friend's." Was I the only one who could hear the thickness in his voice?

"Where is she then? Popped out for a space walk?"

"She's gone." The grief evident on his face was something I was all too familiar with. It reminded me of my father, when he'd come home to give me the news that had shattered both our worlds and he'd had to see all of my mother's belongings still there. His voice grew even quieter as he said, "I lost her."

"Well, you can hurry up and lose me then." To Donna's credit, she quickly seemed to realize there was something wrong here and she stared at the jacket in her hands for another moment. "How do you mean, 'lost'?"

Seeing a darkness taking over the Doctor's eyes spurred a breath back into my lungs, and I found my feet carrying me over to Donna. I gave him an understanding nod and took the jacket from her hands. "She saved the world," I said quietly. "She was our friend… She saved the world, and was lost because of it." Donna's mouth opened and closed a few times, but no words came out. Sensing this part of the conversation was over, I held the piece of Rose out to the Doctor.

He quickly grabbed it and placed it on the captain's chair as he moved to the other side of the console. He didn't look at either of us as he said, "Right, Chiswick!" and threw a lever. With that movement, the TARDIS began to groan and shake. I immediately lost my footing and latched onto the railing near me. Donna followed suit, looking bewildered.

The second the shaking stopped a few moments later, Donna barreled toward the exit. "I assume we've landed?" I asked, watching the redhead fumble with the door before managing to get one side of it open enough to squeeze out.

"Yeah," was all he could manage to answer.

"I said Saint Mary's! What sort of Martian are you?" I followed Donna's voice through the door and out onto a sidewalk. "Where's this?"

We had landed on some sort of sidestreet but I couldn't have named the location if I'd tried. I mostly knew London from Evangeline's memories and the two months I'd been her so far, and I wasn't even sure if this was still technically London or not. "Doctor, where are we?"

The Time Lord ignored both of us as he stepped outside, looking back at the blue box. His hand stroked the wood panel along the doorway absentmindedly. "Something's wrong with her," he said. "It's like she's… recalibrating!" As if a lightbulb had just gone off over his head, he sprinted back inside of the TARDIS, mumbling something about digesting.

Donna stood next to me, a soft squeak escaping her as her eyes took in the so-called spaceship she had just exited. Whatever she had been expecting, the TARDIS was clearly not it. "Breathe, Donna," I tried to tell her, but I wasn't sure she heard me.

From inside, the Doctor began to call out to her, asking her question after question. "Donna? You've really gotta think. Is there anything that might have caused this? Anything you might've done? Any sort of alien contacts? I can't let you go wandering off in case you're dangerous?"

Donna began to circle around the TARDIS while I stood frozen in my spot at the Doctor's words. Donna was dangerous, and he didn't want her to be on her own because of it. What did that mean for me? Did he consider me dangerous because I didn't exist? So dangerous that he couldn't leave me on my own? No, that was crazy. He'd invited me to see the stars with him. But, then again… He had left me behind, hadn't he? What if the only reason he came back for me was that he realized I was too much of a risk? No, that was crazy, right?

I stepped to the side just in time to avoid getting run over by Donna as she took off down the sidewalk with a horrified look on her face. "Donna!" The Doctor came bounding out of the TARDIS next, the door closing automatically behind him. "Come on, Evie, we'd better go after her." Before I could stop him, his hand was wrapped tightly around mine and trying to lead me off with a sharp tug.

Instantly, the world spun around me and my lungs felt like a vice had clamped down on each of them at the same time. I gasped, trying to force air in, but it was no use and I began to tremble uncontrollably. It was like I was there, trapped in that room with no exit and no way out. Leather straps clamped down on my shoulders, my wrists, my ankles; gloved scientist hands held a bloody scalpel. My blood, and my arm throbbed at the thought. _"We promise it won't hurt, Evangeline."_ Toupee's voice filled my ears, his deep laughter pulling a scream from my tightening throat.

"Get out, get out, _get out_!" I blinked once, twice, ten times, trying to clear the visions in front of me. The sidewalk was cold on my knees, but I couldn't remember falling. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe...

"Evangeline, I-"

"_Go away!"_ He was at my side, too close. Much too close. "You promised not to touch me. You promised!" I had to get away from him, forcing myself to my feet and nearly falling in the process.

"I'm sorry." Daring to look at him, I strangled the scream that tried to come out. A blink and suddenly he wasn't the Doctor anymore, replaced with an image of Ed, sneering down at me. Another blink and Ed was gone, leaving the Doctor's pained expression. "I'm so sorry, Evie. It slipped my mind, and-"

My voice was dripping with rage as I snapped, "Yeah, that's fucking great, Doctor, that you can forget. But what about me?" I stepped back, putting another foot of space between us. "I can't forget what they did to me, and you promised not to touch me without my permission! How are you any better than they are?"

He opened his mouth to speak again, to placate me again, and I bolted past him, unable to look at the guilty expression on his face any longer. I focused on Donna, even as my empty stomach threatened to hurl again. God, _everything_ reminded me of that place. His tests, his touch, the way he looked at me like I was a goddamned _puzzle_ to figure out, just like Yvonne Hartman had. It didn't matter that he was sorry or that he hadn't meant to hurt me. None of that changed anything, none of that could help me breathe.

Breathe, Evie, breathe. I slowed my pace as I caught up to Donna, but my heart was still racing too quickly in my chest for me to get any air into my lungs. "Two, seven, four…" I quietly began to count, hoping Donna wouldn't notice. Thankfully, the redhead was too involved in figuring out exactly where we might have ended up to pay attention to my counting. "Nine, one, eleven, seventeen…"

I was still counting when the Doctor's footsteps sounded behind me, along with his strained voice. "Evangeline." All I could do was shudder, his voice sounding more and more like Toupee's inside of my head, and any progress I'd made while counting down my panic attack was gone with that one word.

As the counting restarted under my breath, I was aware of him taking up Donna's other side and the constant presence of his eyes on me. With each number I counted out, it became ever so slightly easier to breathe. "Come back to the TARDIS." Was he talking to Donna, or to me? I wasn't going back, that much was certain.

Donna answered, though she hadn't seemed to notice anything wrong just yet. "No way. That box is too… weird."

"It's bigger on the inside, that's all."

"Oh, that's all?" She sighed next to me, and checked her watch as I counted out another few numbers. The nausea was starting to wear off. "Ten past three. I'm gonna miss it."

"You can phone them. Tell them where you are."

Donna's question was an obvious one. "How do I do that?"

"Haven't you got a mobile?"

I stopped walking a moment before Donna did, the idiocy of the question apparently hitting me first. I could barely breathe again, and my rage was still boiling over. "Look at her, Doctor, she's wearing a wedding dress, for crying out loud." My voice was much louder than it needed to be, but I couldn't keep the angry hysteria nor the breathless wheeze out of my words. I could barely meet his eyes. "Wedding dresses don't have pockets, or at least they didn't back in 2007!"

"What do you mean, back in 2007? Are you an alien after all?" Donna, confused and almost completely oblivious to everything going on, turned to me. "And what's got your knickers all in a bunch?"

"I already said I was human, Donna!" I snapped at her, too. My whole body was still trembling. I wrapped my arms around myself to try and make it stop. "I'm just from the future, don't ask. But no matter what year it is, when someone promises to do something, or _not_ to do something, you should be able to trust them to keep their promise!"

Looking from Donna to the Doctor once more, the pained look on his face was gone, replaced with a dark expression and a shake of his head. "This isn't the time or the place for this, Evangeline."

That was the last straw for me. "Don't freaking call me that!" He opened his mouth to speak again and I cut him off, seething. "_Shut up_. Donna has no pockets, therefore no phone. I very much doubt you have one, and Torchwood ate mine. So go figure it out and leave me alone!" I could tell I'd taken Donna by surprise with my outburst and the Doctor looked pissed at me, so I took the chance to storm off, needing to get away from them. I was starting to hyperventilate, all of the air I'd forced into my lungs gone again.

It wasn't far from them, the brick wall I chose to face and rest my forehead against. The cool surface of the brick felt wonderful against my skin as hot tears leaked from the corners of my eyes unwelcome. Only a day ago, I was still in Yvonne's and Torchwood's clutches. I had been punched in the face, had my life threatened multiple times by Cybermen, fallen down a flight of stairs, let Rose slip through my fingers, been left behind by the Doctor, said goodbye to Regina, passed out, been undressed and tested by the Doctor, and he had broken his promise not to touch me. All within the last 24 hours. It was all just… too much. It was all flooding my head at a million miles a minute and I couldn't make it _stop_.

"Have you ever seen a bride with pockets?" Through the pounding in my ears, Donna could be heard, still yelling in exasperation. "When I went to my fitting at Chez Alison, the one thing I forgot to say is give me pockets!"

"This man you're marrying, what's his name?"

"Lance."

"Gotta like Lance." Donna gave an offended snort but was cut off before she could yell some more. "Donna, do me a favor and wait there. I mean it, wait there."

His light footsteps on the sidewalk told me he was there before he could say anything. I could almost picture him standing there in his brown pinstripe suit, one hand in a pocket and the other likely hanging lost in the space between us, his brows furrowed and mouth turned down in a frown. Guilt radiated off of him in a deep sigh. Good. He should feel guilty. "Evie…"

"I don't wanna talk to you." My voice was a bark with no bite, the fury from moments ago already draining from my system with the exhaustion of fighting away the panic.

It didn't seem to matter to him if I wanted to talk or not. "Evie, I'm sorry, I truly am. I'm thick, and you're right. I made you a promise that I wouldn't touch you without asking, and like the daft old man that I am, I broke that promise. Are you alright?"

My hand balled into a fist against the brick wall, a low laugh escaping me. "How can you ask me that? _No_, Doctor, I'm not alright." My other hand buried itself in my hair, wishing I could pull the memories from my mind and show him just what he'd done to me. "When I found out you performed those tests on me, and when you grabbed my hand a moment ago… It was like I was back there, like I was strapped to the table and waiting to be sliced open again. It's unbearable… The things I see in my head all the time, and sometimes it's not just in my head. And you made me feel that way. I just… I need a minute. Please."

There was a pause and a shuffle of shoes on the sidewalk like he was turning to leave but not walking away. "You should go back to the TARDIS."

"No! No, I-" I couldn't turn to face him, not yet, but going back was the last thing I wanted to do. I'd been trapped inside for so long, locked in my tiny cell, and this was Donna, my favorite companion. Who knew if I'd get to see her again? Would the Doctor get rid of me… if he thought I couldn't handle the adventures? "Don't send me away, Doctor, please… A minute. Just give me a minute." I hated how tiny I sounded, how I was pleading with him, despite what he'd just done to me.

Another sigh; he sounded unsure. "Okay, if you're sure you're up for this. Take a minute. We'll be just ahead."

His footsteps carried him away from me and I overheard him telling Donna that I would catch up. To her credit, she did ask him if I would be alright before she began hounding him about making it to the church on time again. The moment I was sure the Doctor wasn't watching me anymore, I hastily wiped the angry tears from my cheeks that I'd been too ashamed to let him see. The part of me that wasn't furious anymore screamed at me that he was never going to take me off the TARDIS again, that he would go back on his invitation to travel with him.

After another several forced deep breaths into my lungs, I pushed off the wall and turned away from it. The Doctor and Donna weren't there any longer, but could be seen just up the sidewalk at the edge of the street. It looked like they were trying to hail a taxi, relatively unsuccessfully. Every few seconds, the Doctor would cast a glance back over his shoulder. He was looking for me, I supposed. Was he looking for me because he was worried, or because I was too dangerous to leave alone? The words he'd spoken to Donna resurfaced with a bite. Did I even want to know the answer?

Wiping my face one more time, I made my way up the sidewalk to them. Donna was just finishing yelling at a car of men who whistled at her as they drove by. "They think I'm in drag!"

"I'm here," I said, taking up a place on the other side of Donna.

"We can't get a taxi," she explained while she tried to wave down another one, to no avail.

The Doctor met my eyes, giving me a brief nod, before saying, "Hold on, hold on." Then he was placing two fingers between his lips and whistling. The sound that came out was sharp and clear, loud enough that both Donna and I winced. It did, however, earn the attention of a taxi driver, who quickly skidded his car to a stop in front of us.

The Doctor clambered in first, followed by Donna. I squeezed myself as far into the corner as I could, hands tucked between my legs. Donna, in the middle, quickly gave the driver the address. "Saint Mary's in Chiswick, just off Hayden Road. It's an emergency. I'm getting married!" As if it wasn't obvious, she waved a hand at her dress for proof.

The driver calmly looked back at us in the rearview mirror. "That'll cost you, sweetheart. Double rates today."

A horrific realization dawned on Donna, who proceeded to pat the sides of her dress as if she could have possibly had any sort of wallet on her. "Oh, my God!" She turned her head to me, her hazel eyes wide. "Have you got any money?"

I simply shook my head. "I think Torchwood ate my wallet along with my phone, and I didn't think to get any money from Regina when I was there." Not that Donna had any idea what I was really talking about, so I added, "I've got nothing."

She groaned and turned to the Doctor then, who just looked sheepish. "Haven't you?"

"Pockets!" Donna and I both yelled at him in unison.

By the time the taxi driver had screeched to a halt and kicked us out a few seconds later, despite my arguments that there would be someone at the church who could have paid him when we got there, Donna had cursed him every which way she knew how, including some colorful ways even I hadn't known. I kicked the side of the car as the Doctor slammed the door, instantly regretting it when I realized I'd used my bad ankle. He frowned when he heard me hiss and saw me wincing, but his hands stayed inside his pockets. "Careful, Evie. Remember that the mending wrap isn't a magic fix. It's going to take time to heal, even if it does heal faster than your human methods."

"I'll have him. I've got his number. I'll have him," Donna grumbled, ignoring us. "Talk about the Christmas spirit."

Like the unobservant fool he could be, the Doctor looked around at all the decorations in the shop windows, suddenly realizing what time of year it was. Though, to be fair, I only knew what day it was because this had been a Christmas special. "Is it Christmas?"

Before I knew it, my mouth was moving. "I hate Christmas."

Donna nodded with a smile, probably happy that someone felt the same way as her. "Can't bear it."

The Doctor, however, was looking between the two of us like we were crazy. "You're getting married on Christmas. Who hates Christmas?"

"I have my reasons," was all I told him, but that didn't make him take his eyes off of me.

I used to love Christmas when I was younger, back when I still believed in Santa and that life was full of joy. It was my mother's favorite holiday and the way she went all out every year made it our favorite holiday, too. Even though there were only three of us in the house, she always made at least eight different dishes, from candied sweet potatoes to stuffed mushrooms and pumpkin pie, and we would have enough leftovers to last the whole week. On Christmas Eve, we would have a _Jurassic Park_ marathon while I attempted to wait up for Santa, and I would always inevitably wind up falling asleep sometime during the second movie in my father's arms. Back when he was a protector, and not what I needed protection from. Even after Mom had been diagnosed, she made every effort to keep Christmas just as special as it had always been.

After she had died… The next Christmas had been the first time Dad had gotten blindingly drunk. I'd had to wear turtlenecks and scarves for two weeks to hide the swollen purple bruises on my neck and collarbone.

"Evie?" The Doctor's voice snapped me from my thoughts. His dark eyes were focused on my hand, rubbing absently at the base of my neck, lost in the memory. I forced my hand to stop, dropping it down to my side, and looked away from his scrutiny. "What happened at Christmas to make you hate it so much?"

"It doesn't matter." Sensing he wanted to press further, I quickly scanned the street for something to change the topic. What was supposed to happen next? Then my eyes landed on a structure down the sidewalk from us and the episode came back to me. "Look, Donna, a phone box! You can try to call the church."

Instantly she was grabbing the bulk of her dress in her fists so she could hoist it up to run. "Come on, then!"

The Doctor held the door of the booth open for Donna, who grabbed the phone off the hook and stared at it. "What's the operator? I've not done this in years. What do you dial? 100?"

With an impatient groan, he reached into the inner pocket of his jacket for his Sonic Screwdriver, then held it to the machine. "Just call the direct."

"What did you do?" The expression on Donna's face was part amazement and part suspicion when she lifted the phone to her ear to hear the dial tone buzzing.

"Something… Martian. Now, phone! Evie, you stay here with Donna while I find some money for the taxi." I barely had time to nod before he was taking off at a sprint, and I took his place against the phone box door to hold it open.

Being out on the street in the open like this, dozens of people milling about us, was a little nerve-wracking. Not quite panic attack inducing, but enough that my head was on a swivel, looking every which way for potential signs that anything was off. This was pretty true to the episode so far, but that didn't mean it would stay that way.

"Oh, answer the phone!" Beside me, Donna punched a set of numbers into the phone. In her hurry, she must have missed a number because she hissed, slammed the phone down, and picked it back up all so she could hastily input the number again. "Are you positive that Martian didn't kidnap you? You seem a tad bit nervous for someone who claims to have gone along willingly with him."

It took a moment to realize she was talking to me. "The last time I was out on a public street like this, I actually was kidnapped, Donna. But by a company called Torchwood," I told her quickly, the phone still ringing in her ear. "The Doctor saved me from them, but I guess I'm still a little paranoid." He'd saved me, and then left me behind, that was.

She didn't respond to me, suddenly talking into the phone. "Mum, get off the phone and listen." Voicemail, then. "I'm in… Oh, my God, I don't know where I am! It's… it's a street. And there's a WH Smith, but it's definitely Earth!" I couldn't help but roll my eyes at that last bit.

Hanging the phone back up, Donna turned and spotted a woman walking past the phone box. "Excuse me!" While she begged the woman for a tenner, with the woman definitely thinking she was crazy the whole time, I let the door to the phone box swing shut. Where was the Doctor? There were too many people; I couldn't see him.

"Thank you, thank you! Merry Christmas! Taxi!" With the bill in her hand, Donna quickly hailed the next taxi, which came to a halt in front of her.

Doctor, where were you? Had something happened to him? Before I could take more than a step in the direction I thought he might be, there was a hand on my arm, dragging me backward. "I don't care if he kidnapped you or not, Evie, I'm not leavin' you here with him."

Donna's hand was like a vice, a metal Cyberman fist latching on and dragging me off to be upgraded, and my whole body froze up in fear. Distantly, I was aware of being shoved in a cab, of Donna hollering something about a spaceman, and the hum of a car engine.

Moments passed as I breathed in deeply and slowly, pushing back the terror coursing through me. This one hadn't been as bad as earlier, but it had been Donna's touch that had sent me into a panic this time. That means it wasn't just the Doctor's touch I couldn't handle, it was being touched in general. As that realization dawned on me, I had to admit that I felt a little bad for reacting the way I did with the Doctor, for acting so hostile toward him. I'd yelled and cursed at him, in front of Donna nonetheless. But, then again, he had promised me. Donna had made no such promise, and she had no idea what I had been through.

Recovered enough to form words at this point, I gaped at the redhead next to me, who was looking quite pleased with herself. "Donna, what did you just do!" The driver in the front seat paid us no attention as she gaped at me, but that wasn't exactly surprising considering what I knew. "This wasn't supposed to happen. I'm not supposed to be here with you!"

"Oh, what are you on about now?" She had no clue. Of course she didn't! Why would she?

There was a familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach, one that I had felt the day Yvonne had showed up on the street corner to kidnap me. It was a feeling I'd had many days while hostage at Torchwood. It was a heavy feeling, thick with a foreboding that something was horribly wrong here. "Nevermind." No sense in telling Donna the truth and causing her to panic for longer than necessary.

Even though I very much doubted anything would come of it, I discreetly tugged on the door handle, then the window. Both were locked, but I knew they would be. Okay, what were our other options? We were in a locked car that was quickly picking up speed, with no way of unlocking the doors or the windows. Even if I could open the door somehow, what was I supposed to do, jump out onto the roadway? Donna didn't know it yet, but it wasn't like our driver was even human. It was one of those robot Santa's, and it wasn't taking us anywhere good. I knew this episode, and I knew that the spider queen, the name of her alien race escaping me, was waiting for us.

There were no options, no way to free myself or Donna from this mess. Well, that wasn't quite true. That was one option: the Doctor. If he stayed true to the episode, he should be coming to get us. That meant the only option, really, was to jump out of the taxi with Donna into the TARDIS when he got here. I wasn't a fan of that option, to tell the truth. The universe seemed like it was out to get me, and I was just as likely to splatter myself on the highway as I was to make it into the TARDIS.

"Hold on a minute, I said Chiswick. You've missed the turning." Donna spoke to the driver, still completely ignorant of the problem. The driver didn't respond, naturally. Confused and frustrated at the lack of response, Donna continued. "Excuse me? We should've turned off back there. We're going the wrong way!" With every word spoken to the oblivious driver, I felt myself getting more and more annoyed. We were at the top of an entrance ramp now, pulling recklessly across lanes of traffic and cutting in front of other cars like the worst driver in the world. "What the hell are you doing? I'm late for the wedding. My _own_ wedding. Do you get that?"

"Holy hell, Donna!" I shouted, finally fed up with it. How long did it take for her to get that something was off? "You're so thick sometimes!" Leaning forward, I grabbed onto the red Santa hood on the back of the driver's head and yanked it down. At the same time, the Santa mask fell off the front of its face, revealing a golden robot head. Donna's hand went to her mouth, staring at the robot in utter shock and horror. She was going to need a minute to get caught up here.

That was probably a mistake, revealing the robot to her like that. I just hoped she didn't tell the Doctor that I knew. It wouldn't be good to raise his suspicions again, but I couldn't listen to her go on like an idiot any longer. I wasn't supposed to be here, and I couldn't stop thinking about it. What if my being in the cab screwed something up? What good was having this knowledge of the show, of the Doctor's life, if I couldn't keep myself out of danger or do anything with it? Maybe having all of this knowledge wasn't a good thing, after all.

"Don't panic, Donna," I told her, doing my best to keep a calm tone to my voice. "The doors are locked, so are the windows. There's nothing we can do right now but wait for the Doctor to figure out where we are." It sucked, this feeling of helplessness.

"Wait for the Doctor." Donna's hand dropped back to her lap and she gave the robot one last look before turning her eyes to me. She wasn't freaking out, which was good. If anything, she looked resolved, her lips set in a thin line. Then she asked me a question that took me completely by surprise. "Do you trust him, Evie? The Doctor?"

"Yes, of-" My answer should have been instant, but I couldn't quite get it out. Two days ago, I would have said yes in a heartbeat. If someone had told me that I would ever think differently, I would have called them crazy. For fourteen years of my life, I have trusted the Doctor, even if he was just a fictional spaceman on television. How could I not say yes?

But now… Nothing in this world had turned out the way I thought it would. The Doctor, as much as it pained me to say it, was falling into that category. He had rescued me from Torchwood, like I had thought he would, but then he had left me behind. Never in a million years would I have thought he could be capable of letting me down like that. Then there were the tests he ran, the idea of them still making my skin crawl, and breaking his promise not to touch me so shortly after making it… They might have seemed like minor things to him, but they weren't. Not to me, not after spending the last month being mutilated in the hell that was Torchwood.

What if I placed my trust in him, and he let me down again, like so many others in my life had?

I found myself saying something I had never thought possible. "Truthfully, Donna, I don't know. I'm not sure if I even know how to trust someone anymore." Her face fell, a picture of uncertainty. She might have needed me to tell her I trusted him just as much as I needed to be able to say it, but lying to her wouldn't help either of us here. "But I do trust the Doctor in two ways. I trust him to, at least half of the time, put me in danger. Not intentionally, of course. And I trust him to get me out of it, and that's the important part right now. He'll come."

Without taking her eyes off of me, she seemed to consider what I'd said for a long moment. "All right, then." There was a nod, and then she cast her glance out the window at the other cars driving past us. "But if you think I'm going to just sit around and wait for that Martian, you're crazy." Making a fist, she began banging on the back and side window, yelling at the other cars and drivers. "Help us!"

While Donna did whatever she needed to do to make herself feel better about the situation, I turned sideways in my seat. Out the back window, my eyes kept a careful watch on the sky for any sign of that blue box. Where could he be? He would come, wouldn't he? I wasn't sure what would happen if I was brought to the alien spider queen, but I didn't like the thought of it. I wasn't full of whatever energy or particles that Donna was; there would be no use for me.

I wasn't sure how much time passed before Donna's yelling and banging started to give me a headache. As soon as I opened my mouth to tell her to stop and attempt to chill out, I saw it. It was as small as a blip in the sky when I spotted it, but it was blue and heading our way, growing in size with every second. The TARDIS. A breath I hadn't realized I was holding was released in a rush of relief. He was here.

Donna spotted it seconds after I did. "Look at that, Evie, you were right." The TARDIS, spinning around itself, dipped suddenly, thumping onto the roadway between two cars and bouncing back up. "You are kidding me."

"I never said his rescue would be impressive. Just be glad he's here, Donna."

The blue box spun and bounced along the highway a few more times before slowing down to keep pace along the side of our car. When it stopped spinning, one half of the door swung open to reveal the Doctor, hair and jacket flapping in the wind. He had a string in one hand, using the edge of the other door to brace himself in the entrance. I squeezed myself up as close as I could get to Donna without touching her so that he could see both of us and listened to him yell at us to open the door. "Do what?" Donna asked, apparently deaf enough that she couldn't hear him.

I shook my head impatiently and yelled back to him, "We can't open it! It's locked!"

With the hand not braced against the door, the Doctor pulled out his Sonic Screwdriver and aimed it at the window in front of us. With a click, the window slid down into the door. The wind caught my hair, blasting it about my face, but made it easier to make out his words. "Open the door!"

"What for?" Donna called back.

I forgot how dense she could be sometimes. "What do you think? We've got to jump!"

Her voice jumped several octaves, eyes going wide when she took in the amount of space between the car and the edge of the TARDIS. "I'm not bleedin' flip jumping. I'm supposed to be getting married!"

The car suddenly lurched, sending Donna backward into the seat and causing me to grab onto the passenger seat for balance. The robot driver was speeding up, swerving around a car in front of us to get ahead. The TARDIS fell behind, but I knew it would only be a moment before it was back.

"Listen to me, Donna," I tried to tell her, both our eyes locked onto the TARDIS as it attempted to make its way back up to us. It dipped again, losing altitude, and thumped off of a small black car before pushing off of its roof. "You have got to jump. I'm not jumping without you, so you better get a move on. So help me, I will shove you out there."

"Donna! Evie!" Both doors to the TARDIS were wide open now, one leg outstretched against it. For a moment, he looked about to fall, his eyes never leaving us as he steadied himself. With the Sonic Screwdriver, he took aim at the robot driver, disabling it for the time being. How long would it stay that way?

Donna shook her head again, her voice wavering. "I'm not jumping on a motorway."

"Whatever that thing is, it needs you. And whatever it needs you for, it's not good. Now, come on!"

"I'm in my wedding dress!"

"Yes, you look lovely. Come on!" The Doctor was growing more and more exasperated with each word spoken. Not for the first time during this exchange, he glanced nervously at the robot in the driver's seat.

I knew that this was how the scene in the episode went, but we were running out of time. There were two of us now, thanks to Donna dragging me along. "You can do this, Donna. Trust him."

With a trembling hand, Donna placed her fingers around the handle of the door and tugged, letting it swing open out onto the road. There was a gasp and a squeak as she positioned herself in the opening, hands on either side to keep her from falling. "Evie says I should trust you, but is that what you said to the other one? Your friend, the one you lost? Did she trust you?"

The Doctor swallowed, his throat bobbing with a grimace. His hands reached out, ready and waiting for the woman in the wedding dress. "Yes, she did. And she is not dead. She is so alive. Now, jump!"

With one last glance over her shoulder at me, Donna took in a deep breath, then pushed off. In a blur of white fabric, she leaped across the highway into the Doctor's arms, taking them both down momentarily. Some sort of conversation happened quickly between them, and then Donna was scrambling out of the way. In a second, the Doctor was back in the doorway, eyes glued to mine and hands outstretched.

Just like Donna had only a minute ago, I crouched in the open doorway of the taxi, hands gripping the sides so hard my knuckles turned white. The road flew by beneath us so quickly I couldn't even make out the white stripes of paint marking the lanes, and the space between me and the TARDIS seemed so much larger than it had a moment ago.

"Your turn, Evie." His tone was calm, but there was a rush to it that made me nervous. He knew as well as I did that I was running out of time. That robot was going to wake up at any moment. "You can do this." He reached his arm out another few inches further, as far as he could go without falling out.

I could do this. Donna had made it, and so could I. But the moment I made to jump, I knew something was wrong.

My legs wouldn't move. No amount how hard I tried to get them to do it, they just wouldn't cooperate. My legs wouldn't make the jump.

"I can't do it, Doctor," my voice cracked as he frowned, his fingers wiggling in the wind. "I can't jump." My heart skipped a beat inside my chest, forcing out a painful gasp.

"Why, Evie? What's wrong?" The Doctor's brows furrowed in confusion. "You saw Donna do it. She's fine! Just trust me; I'll catch you."

And just like that, I knew what the problem was and why my legs wouldn't move. I closed my eyes for a brief moment, and there it was. He was telling me to trust him when, in my mind, all I could see was his back as he walked into that elevator at Torchwood, ignoring my broken cries for him, and the fading view of the TARDIS as it dematerialized in the storage bay. I could feel his hand on mine, sending my body into a terror. In my mind, I saw a list of people who had let me down before, far too many to count.

When I opened my eyes again, I knew why I couldn't jump. I had known it before, but hadn't wanted to believe it would be an issue. "That's just it, Doctor… I don't trust you."

As if I had physically stabbed him with my words, his eyes widened in surprise and, I thought, hurt. But even with my realization, he didn't retract his outstretched arms. "Don't do this, Evangeline." He was begging me now, a bit of fear lacing his voice that surprised me. "Just jump, please. I have you!"

I was terrified, my chest heaving up and down with the racing of my heart. But still my legs wouldn't do what I commanded. It was as if my heart was revolting against my mind and refusing to do what I asked. I repeated his words in my head, just jump. "You abandoned me, and you broke your promise. How do I know you won't do those things again?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but I never heard what he had to say. Behind me, something began to spark and pop. I knew what it was before I looked; the golden robot was coming back to life. Its head twisted side to side, hands shifting on the steering wheel.

I snapped my eyes back to the Doctor's as he called for me to jump one last time. What had I done? My mind screamed at me to jump even as the car lurched again, the robot fully awake now. The taxi door swung shut, slamming into me.

As I fell, something cracked against the back of my skull. My eyes were full of black spots, large and small, spinning around until they were all I could see.

The last thing I saw was the Doctor's face, filled with horror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave a Kudos if you enjoyed, or a comment if you want to let me know what you think! I'll be trying to respond to comments and I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'll be trying to break "The Runaway Bride" up into two more chapters, for my sanity's sake, and after that I'll be doing a TARDIS tour. I'm a little stuck on ideas for rooms to include in the TARDIS so if you have any thoughts, feel free to share.
> 
> See you in the next update!


	11. The Search for Evie

Chapter 11: The Search for Evie

* * *

_~"In life, you have to have the vulnerability to accept when you are to blame."~_

_Naomi Campbell_

* * *

**~The Doctor~**

"That's just it, Doctor… I don't trust you."

The Doctor listened with a sinking feeling to Evie's words, each one like a knife to both of his hearts. She didn't trust him? With the rope to his console in one hand and a leg kicked up against the door to keep him from falling out, the Time Lord stood in the TARDIS doorway, his arms outstretched as far as they could go, and had no idea what to tell the trembling girl. The look on her too-thin face, blue mending wrap patch still stuck to her cheek, was filled with complete and utter terror, from the way her eyebrows drew together to her different colored green and grey eyes that were open too wide. It was obvious that she was scared half to death, but she wouldn't jump.

"Don't do this, Evangeline," he begged her, his voice full of fear for her safety. With the TARDIS acting the way she was, there was no way for him to get any closer to the taxi cab. If Evie didn't jump now, he was going to lose her. "Just jump, please. I have you!" Her head gave a small, almost imperceptible shake. She hadn't let go of the car door frame yet, but she wouldn't come to him either.

"You abandoned me, and you broke your promise," Evie's voice was a sob, shaking just as much as her body was. "How do I know you won't do those things again?"

He opened his mouth to attempt to explain, to apologize, to promise, to beg. Anything to get her to _jump_. But then she was looking away from him, back over her shoulder to the robot driving the taxi. Even from his place in the TARDIS door frame, the Doctor could see the sparks shooting out of it and the robot slowly starting to regain movement. "Jump, Evie!"

As Evie met his eyes one last time, he saw the realization pass over her features. She was out of time. His head swiveled to follow the car's movement as the robot applied the brakes, the taxi cab abruptly lurching. The door Donna had swung open only moments before now slammed shut, knocking Evie backward into the center of the car.

Desperate, the Doctor reached his free hand into his jacket, feeling for his Sonic Screwdriver. The taxi was still there, he could still do _something_. Through the window in the backseat, he could just barely make her out, lying on the floor with her eyes closed. She wasn't getting back up. Had she hit her head?

Before he could take aim with the Sonic Screwdriver, there was a sound behind him and he turned just in time to see the sparks and smoke shooting from the console as some part of it exploded. When he looked back, trying to find Evie in the sea of cars on the highway, he found the TARDIS already drifting away, up and into the sky. "Don't you dare!" The doors swung shut as he rushed back inside, bypassing Donna, waving away the smoke with a hand. Grabbing the mallet from the toolbelt hanging on a hook, he smacked the percussive navigation board, pumped the stabilizer, and ran his fingers over numerous other buttons in an attempt to make the TARDIS stay put. "Stop it right now. We need to go back for Evie!"

As if in response, a component on the other side of the console groaned and crackled, tiny sparks shooting out of it. No matter how many controls or settings he adjusted, the ship just kept getting further and further away from the girl he'd left behind. Again. Whatever was wrong with his TARDIS, she couldn't hold that position any longer.

With a frustrated groan, the Doctor slammed his hands down on the sides of the console, leaning over it. Whoever was after Donna now had Evie, and he hadn't been able to stop them. _Why?_ Why wouldn't she jump? It was a simple action that even Donna had been able to accomplish.

Evie had looked so scared when she'd said she didn't trust him, like the realization had been just as frightening to her as anything else. But if she was afraid, why hadn't she jumped? Fear in situations like this usually made humans bolder. Had she been more afraid of jumping across the roadway than getting stuck in the taxi? No, that wasn't it. It was him, he realized with an astonishing disappointment suddenly filling him. She had been afraid of _him_, even more than she was afraid of the robot.

Was it his fault?

"Doctor?" Donna, taking one last look at the closed TARDIS doors, made her way across the grated floor to stand next to him at the console. "What about Evie? What is that thing going to do to her?"

"The TARDIS can't handle hovering like that for any longer." His face was full of anguish when he looked up to meet the redhead's hazel eyes. "But we're going to find her." _He_ was going to find her.

After a few minutes and several more explosions coming from the console and below, it was clear that the TARDIS wouldn't be able to sustain flight much longer. The whole room was filling with more and more haze after each explosion. Soon neither of them would be able to see their own hand in front of their face. The Doctor pressed a few more buttons, directing his ship to a safe landing spot where she would be able to rest and repair.

Once he was sure they'd landed, he told Donna to go outside while he sprayed the console down with an extinguisher to help relieve some of the smoke. He was coughing when he finally stumbled out of the doors, finding Donna staring out into space. "The funny thing is, for a spaceship, she doesn't really do that much flying. We'd better give her a couple of hours," he explained, taking a look around. They'd landed on a rooftop of some sort of highrise, the city stretching out below them. "You all right?"

Donna shrugged, lifting a hand to push a piece of hair out of her face from the wind. "Doesn't matter."

"Did we miss it?" the Doctor asked when Donna looked down at the watch on her wrist. In all of the commotion with Evie, he'd almost forgotten Donna was supposed to be getting married. She gave him a vague confirmation, her face set in a disappointed expression. "Well, you can book another date…" Another huff that he took as her agreement. "Still got the honeymoon."

"It's just a holiday now."

He didn't really know quite what to say and, if he was being honest, his mind wasn't really focused on the topic of her wedding at the moment. "Yeah… Sorry."

"It's not your fault," Donna admitted with a sigh, taking her eyes off the skyline to look up at him.

He almost smiled. "Oh, that's a change!" A lot of things had been his fault lately, and it remained to be seen yet if her missing her wedding really was one of them or not. After all, he still had no idea exactly why this woman, who seemed relatively normal, had appeared on his TARDIS.

Approaching the end of the roof, Donna squatted down and swung her legs out over the edge, adjusting her dress beneath her. "Wish we had a time machine. Then we could go back and get it right."

"Yeah… But even if I did, I couldn't go back on someone's personal timeline." The look she gave him told him she didn't quite believe the lie about not having a time machine. When he noticed a slight shiver in her arms, he took off his suit jacket and draped it around her shoulders, assuming she would likely have never told him she was cold. Would Evie have told him? Rose would have. "Apparently."

Donna had to stifle a laugh at the amount of coverage his jacket provided, though she appreciated the gesture. "God, you're skinny. This wouldn't fit a rat." When the Doctor didn't respond, lost in thought, she continued, "You know, spaceman, what happened back there wasn't your fault either. With Evie, I mean. She had the chance to jump and she didn't take it."

He didn't look at her for a long moment, busy replaying the scene over and over in his head. Evie had seemed so shocked when she'd said she couldn't jump. Had her fear, her distrust, of him really been that overpowering? "You're right," he said finally, letting his head hang slightly in defeat. "Evie did have a chance to jump, and she could have taken it. But I've given her every reason not to."

"How do you mean?" Donna asked. "Are you talking about what happened earlier? Did you kidnap her after all?"

Lifting his head, the Doctor raised his eyebrow at her halfheartedly. "How many times do I have to say no before you believe me? I have never kidnapped someone, at least not on purpose."

"Oh, that's reassuring."

They both smiled a bit, neither of them quite allowing it to reach their eyes. "This was too much for her, and too soon." He could see that now, clear as day. "She went through something… traumatic very recently. Something that might break anyone's faith in humanity and, from what I've gathered, she didn't have much faith to begin with. Instead of being there for her like I should have been, I forgot about her." In his grief, he had let Evie slip his mind. He'd been so consumed with thoughts of Rose, of saying goodbye and mourning the loss of what could have been, he hadn't given much thought to Evie. He hadn't realized how broken she truly was, or maybe he just hadn't wanted to see it. Rose would be so disappointed with him for the way he had handled everything. Oh, Rose… "Instead of helping Evie heal, I made things worse. I didn't mean to; I'm so thick sometimes. This was too much for her right now, but I'll find her."

Donna watched the strange spaceman's face as he spoke, as the anguish written there changed into something more like a sad resolve, and she nodded. "Yeah, I think you will. Maybe she can wear your jacket. She looks tiny enough to fit in this thing." There was a small moment of silence where Donna tried to pull the jacket tighter around herself to block out the wind. "So, what now, Doctor?"

"Now… We need to figure out who's after you. Do that, and we find out who has Evie." Thinking of Donna's sudden appearance in the TARDIS, the Doctor was reminded of the item he'd grabbed out of the ship before they landed. He reached into his pants pocket, pulling out a small silver ring. "Oh, and you'd better put this on."

"Do you have to rub it in?" she frowned, staring at what might as well have been a wedding ring. Despite her annoyance at what the token reminded her of, she held out her hand to him anyway.

"Those creatures can trace you. This is a biodamper. Should keep you hidden." Should, because he had no idea who was after her or what they had done to her. He had no idea what they could be doing to Evie right now. "With this ring, I thee biodamp." He tried to give her a grin as he slipped the bio-damper onto her ring finger.

"For better or for worse?" Donna grinned back, playing along. But something was still bothering her. "So, come on then. Robot Santas, what are they for?" She had noticed the Santas with the weird masks around the street when she tried to phone home, had even recognized that the driver of the taxi was a guy with one of the weird Santa masks. But how was she supposed to know that they were robots underneath? She was just as much to blame for Evie as the Doctor was. After all, the Doctor hadn't put Evie in that taxi cab.

"Ah, your basic robo-scavenger. The Father Christmas stuff is just a disguise. They're trying to blend in. I met them last Christmas." Last Christmas… His smile fell ever so slightly, and he noticed that Donna's had disappeared as well.

"Why, what happened then?"

How could she not know? The Sycorax invasion had affected the whole planet. "Great big spaceship? Hovering over London?" When she still stared at him blankly, he asked, "You didn't notice?" Half of the world's population was threatened with murder by an alien race and this redhead somehow hadn't noticed it?

Donna just shrugged dismissively. "I had a bit of a hangover."

The Doctor wanted to press her for more information, finding the excuse more than a little unbelievable. But whether or not she remembered last Christmas wasn't important right now. What he needed to focus on…

All train of thought was lost when his eyes landed on a small, familiar building down in the city below them. "I spent Christmas day just over there, the Powell Estate," he began to tell her. "With this… family. My friend, she had this family…"

There was an ache in both of his hearts at the memory of Christmas dinner with the Tylers. The Tylers… That was a name, a whole family, he would never get to know again. He had just regenerated a year ago, yet Rose had looked at him like nothing was different. He had gotten to say goodbye to her, thanks to Evie's insistence. She would have liked Evie.

Rose… She had said she loved him. And he had missed his chance. So many times he had missed his chance.

"Your friend… Who was she? Evie mentioned she saved the world."

Instead of answering, the Doctor quickly changed topics, returning to the conversation of how exactly this ordinary woman had appeared in the TARDIS. Knowing that he was dodging the question, Donna shook her head. He would talk about Evie, but not about this "friend" of his. Whatever had happened, it must have hurt.

She glanced down at the watch on her wrist for the third time since they'd landed. They would have to get back soon. She'd missed her own wedding, despite all of her attempts to make it back on time. Now that the wedding was over, she was dreading going back and having to explain herself. But it would have to happen sooner or later. Might as well get it over with.

**~Evie~**

"Doctor!"

I sat up with a start, instantly regretting it as my head throbbed and my vision spun me in a circle. My eyes slammed shut against the wave of nausea brought with the movement. What the hell had happened to me? Had the Doctor crashed the TARDIS or something?

When the nausea passed after a few seconds, I opened my eyes, wondering what I could have hit my head on. I half-expected to find myself on the TARDIS, and that part of me was surprised to see that I didn't recognize my surroundings at all. Where was I?

I was in some sort of gigantic, dark room, larger than any room I'd ever been in before. The floor was hard, possibly concrete, and stretched out around me to the walls, interrupted only by a hole the size of a large swimming pool several feet away from me. That was weird. Metal stairs leading to other levels above were positioned on the other side of the room near the wall. Scattered around the area in groups were waist-high metal canisters, very similar to what I imagined nuclear waste containers would look like. Even odder than all of that were the rows of large tubes, all filled with a blue liquid, that took up roughly half the room in front of the hole.

The room had stopped swaying by this point and I quietly crawled on hands and knees over to the hole, peering over the edge. Careful, I told myself, it would be just my luck to fall in. The moment I saw down into its depths, I knew where I was. I _should _know. After all, this was my favorite Christmas special. If I hadn't been disoriented, I probably would have recognized it the moment I noticed the hole.

This was the alien spider's lair, or it would be if she weren't hiding out in her spaceship up in space. For the life of me, I couldn't recall what the name of her race was, though it was on the tip of my tongue. And then it all suddenly came back to me in a headache-inducing rush.

The taxi cab, the Doctor's arms… The Doctor's face when I'd said I didn't trust him… His eyes had looked so hurt, but he had only held his arms out further for me. And I didn't jump.

Now I was here. If getting knocked out in the taxi cab wasn't karma, I don't know what was. God, my head was killing me. I reach a tentative hand up, fingers prodding at the base of my skull where it throbbed the most, and hissed sharply when they felt the egg-sized lump. "That's it," I couldn't help but grumble out loud to myself. "That's the last time I allow myself to get knocked out." I should get out of here before the spider empress decided to make me her next meal.

The moment I started to get to my feet, however, footsteps sounded and began to echo throughout the room. Metal footsteps. My eyes scanned frantically for the source, heart pounding when they landed on a team of robots entering through a door near the tubes of blue liquid. At first, all I could see were Cybermen, their silver metal bodies glinting in the blue light coming off the tubes. Then I blinked and the Cybermen were gone, replaced with copies of the same golden robot from the taxi cab, all dressed in black robes. Knowing that they weren't Cybermen did nothing to stop my heart from thumping painfully in my chest.

As they marched closer, my brain started to scream at my immobile body to run, get out, before they could catch me. I forced myself into action, trying to plant my feet on the floor, but I was too sluggish and disoriented still. My shoes skidded on the floor and I landed painfully on my knees. Then they were on top of me, cold metal hands latching around my upper arms and pinning me in my kneeled position.

My breaths started to come unevenly. Were these robot hands or Cybermen? Did it matter? My brain couldn't tell the difference; gold flashing to silver and back in a matter of seconds. No, no, not again! This couldn't be happening _again_!

"Doctor!" I screamed, my voice hysterical. "Doctor, please! Help me!" I tried to force my legs to straighten out, get my feet flat on the floor, thrashing wildly in an attempt to slide out of their grip, but I couldn't even get up off my knees. "Doctor!"

I screamed for him, even as I knew there was no way for him to hear me. Would he even come if he could hear me? Would he hear me this time? He hadn't come back for me the last time I had screamed his name, screamed until my throat was so broken I couldn't anymore.

"For someone so very small, you are so very loud." A voice, foreign and female, sounded throughout the room, echoing off the concrete walls. Startled, I stopped writhing. No matter which way I twisted my neck, I couldn't see her. But I knew that voice, with its guttural laughter and heavy lisp. It was the spider empress, but she wasn't here, hiding out safely in her spaceship above the world. "The strange girl who is not the bride is finally awake."

Deep breath in, deep breath out. Even with that, I couldn't stop myself from shaking. "What do you want, you eight-legged freak?" Calm down, Evie. This is not Torchwood, and these are not Cybermen. What can they do to you that could be worse than Torchwood? _Calm down._ "I'm not Donna. I'm useless to you."

The invisible voice laughed shrilly, making my headache pound harder with each passing second. "You may not be the bride, but you are not useless. Give yourself some credit, girl, you make excellent _bait_. The bride will come to save you."

"How do you know that?" I asked, relieved that my voice, at least, came out steadier than I felt. "I only met Donna today! Why should Donna care what happens to me?"

Without warning, robot hands tightened their grip on my upper arms and I found myself thankful that my bruises were mostly healed by now. Even as healed as I was, a strangled sound escaped my lips in pain. A noise from the front of the room had my eyes scanning again until they landed on a lone robot walking toward me, carrying what looked like a large water jug, the same kind you might find on a water cooler at work. The jug was filled with water, only I knew it wasn't really that. The liquid inside of it was the same as whatever Donna had been poisoned with, the particles with the name I couldn't quite think of. If I remembered Donna's story right, Lance had dosed her over several months through coffee at work. I had a bad feeling that they were going to dose me as well, but I wouldn't have the luxury of spending months getting to the right dose.

I thrashed again, seeing the robot with the jug getting closer and closer, but the alien's voice only laughed at me again from the speakers. "Foolish human girl." Without warning, more robot hands were on my head, grabbing my hair into a fist and yanking backward hard enough that tears sprang to my eyes. Another pair of hands found their way to my chin, prying my mouth open, and my neck, locking my head in place so that I couldn't twist away. "The bride will come, but precautions must be taken. You will be made into a key to be used if the bride is lost." There was nothing to do as the robot came to a stop, towering over me in my kneeling state. The Doctor's patches may have healed my injuries, but they couldn't give me back the muscle and the strength that I had lost. "Begin!"

With metal hands still holding my head steady, the jug was tilted down, pouring over me like a waterfall. The tasteless liquid filled my mouth, my nose, even my eyes as it washed down over me. At first I tried to close my throat, hoping I could endure the uncomfortable feeling of not breathing for as long as it would take to empty the jug, but then I was suffocating and my throat was betraying me. There was no way to swallow fast enough, and the water cascaded over the rest of me, soaking my hair and body down to my skin. It felt like I was drowning, swallowing and gagging at the same time and unable to get any air in past the liquid.

When my lungs felt about to burst, the deluge suddenly stopped. The hands on my head and neck remained, but the ones on my mouth vanished. I choked and sputtered, trying and failing to force painful gasps into my chest. Before I could even begin to catch my breath, the rough hand was back, pulling my jaw open, and the waterfall began again. I was going to drown on dry land.

When that first jug was finished, they forced two more down my throat. When the final jug was empty, my robot captors let go, and I crumbled to the floor like an empty plastic bag. I was drenched from head to toe and my chest heaved. My vision was blurry, whether from the water or my own tears I wasn't sure.

The voice sounded over the speakers once more, sounding cruelly amused at my struggle to recover. "We will give you a chance to absorb the particles before we feed you more. Bind her!"

Through my water-logged stupor, I was dimly aware of my arms being pinned behind my back. I didn't fight as the robots wound something up and down the length of my forearms. Torchwood had taught me there was no use; resisting only brought more pain. I lied there, resigned to my fate.

After all, what was there left to fight for?

**~The Doctor~**

The Doctor had to admit, as he looked around the reception hall full of people, that he was rather impressed with how well Donna avoided having to explain her disappearance at the wedding. All she had to do was cry, pretending to be hysterical, and the whole issue had been washed over as if she'd simply popped out for a walk during the ceremony, not vanished into thin air. Impressive. He did not envy Lance, however, for having to answer to the fact that they'd held the reception without her.

Donna seemed to be having fun, regardless, despite that. The redhead was currently off with her not-quite-husband and wedding guests dancing to a rather catchy tune. She had tried to convince the Doctor to join in the festivities, but it wasn't quite the right time for that. Every moment spent here, trying to figure out exactly what had happened to Donna, was another moment that Evie was still in danger. Where had that taxi cab taken her? There was no way to track her, especially not with the TARDIS out of commission for another few hours.

The guilt weighed on him, just another stone added to the pile of things he would always feel guilty about. The Time War… Gallifrey… Rose… Would the list ever end?

The truth was that he should never have allowed Evie to follow Donna out of the TARDIS or let her convince him not to send her back to the TARDIS. _"Don't send me away, Doctor, please…" _She'd sounded so small, trying so hard to hide the tears dripping down her cheeks. To know he'd caused her that kind of pain...

Evie had told him when he found her in that alley that she didn't trust him. It had been a weird feeling, certainly, but he hadn't put much thought into it. After all, she was bound to be wary of him. He'd left her behind, another stone of guilt added to the pile, and her suspicion was understandable. 900 years of traveling through time and space had taught him nothing about caring for a traumatized young girl. She was only 18, just slightly younger than Rose had been.

It had been force of habit to bring someone alone with him when he'd made to follow Donna. Part of him had felt like Rose was right behind me, had _needed_ Rose to be behind him, just like she had always been. Evie's distrust went deeper than he'd originally thought. It had been foolish to allow her to come along for exactly this reason. A companion who couldn't trust him was dangerous on an adventure and now she was in danger. But there would be no finding Evie without first figuring out what was wrong with Donna. Her appearance in the TARDIS was impossible and, though she appeared completely human to both the eye and the Sonic Screwdriver, she'd somehow given his TARDIS indigestion.

The Doctor's eyes roamed the room as he dug himself out of his thoughts. From his position leaning against the bar he had a clear view of almost everyone in the room, including the man only a few feet away who was looking down at his mobile phone. "Excuse me?" He stepped across the bar to the man, an idea quickly forming. "Just need to make a quick phone call. Do you mind?" The man shrugged and handed it over without much debate.

Flipping open the phone, the Doctor quickly navigated to the search engine, typing in the name of Donna's employer, HC Clements. Something about her story earlier, the rushed but epic romance that began with Lance getting her coffee, had seemed off. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, though something told him that finding information on this security company wouldn't be as easy as it should be. The Sonic Screwdriver helped rush the search along, rapidly scanning through news sites, articles, and information on the company. As it scanned, he cast a furtive glance around the room, both trying to keep an eye on Donna and avoid arousing anyone's suspicion at the same time. Finally, the phone pinged, alerting that the search was complete. He'd found the information he was looking for, but didn't like the results.

_HC Clements. Sole Prop. Torchwood._

There was a moment of fury, a blast of fire between both his hearts that threatened to sear him in two, that slowly settled into fierce resolve as the Doctor handed the man his mobile phone back. HC Clements, the place Donna just so happened to have started working at six months ago, was owned by the same monster that had tortured Evie and taken Rose from him. Torchwood. Even just thinking the name had him clenching his fists in his pockets.

The sudden thoughts of Torchwood made it tough to focus. He needed to figure out their next move but his eyes kept catching on a blonde in the middle of the dance floor. She was grinning and laughing, her partner twirling her around him and finishing with a dip.

She looked so much like Rose that the simmering anger in his chest tightened into a hard knot. The way her partner spun her… Memories of Rose, back in London after they had met Jack Harkness, when she'd asked him to dance, and at the hospital on New Earth when he'd caught Rose in his arms following Cassandra's possession of her mind came flooding in. The sadness those memories brought with them was like a tidal wave, threatening to send him crashing to his knees. It was all he could do to close his eyes and breathe through the pain, much like he'd told Evie to do in the infirmary.

Evie had been right; he kept waiting for Rose to appear. Every time he turned, he expected to see here waiting for him or running ahead, just like every day before this. She had managed to put into words the feelings that he couldn't even identify yet. Evie was so young, yet she had experience two lives worth of loss and pain, more than any one person should have to deal with. Likely more than what she was letting on, possibly related to her, or Paige's, father that she didn't like to talk about. It would take time for her to open up to him more, especially now.

Forcing his eyes off of the blonde who was making his hearts ache for a woman he would never see again, the Doctor continued his surveillance of the room until he spotted a lanky man with long hair standing behind a video camera. "Did you get the bride's disappearance?" he asked the man after crossing the room.

The camera man nodded with a knowing grin, his hands going to a camera bag hung over his shoulder. "Yeah, I taped the whole thing. Lucky I did, too." The man didn't have to ask the Doctor why he was asking, retrieving a small tape from the bag and placing it in the camera. The Doctor watched as the tape was rewound to the beginning of the wedding. "They've all had a look. They said, 'sell it to _You've Been Framed_.' I said, 'More like the news.' Here we are."

The man pressed the play button and moved out of the way so the Doctor could get a better look. Donna, the epitome of a happy bride, walked down the aisle, toward the camera and her husband. Her body began to glow, seemingly from within, and seconds later her mouth opened in a scream as she disintegrated into dozens of golden particles that hung in the air for a brief moment before dispersing. No, it couldn't be.

"Play it again?"

"Clever, mind! Good trick, I'll give her that. I was clapping." The camera man did as he was asked and rewound the tape once more.

The Doctor's brow furrowed in utter confusion while he watched Donna vanish a second time. "But that looks like… Huon Particles!" That was a name he hadn't heard in a very long time, so long that it hadn't occurred to him as one of the many possible causes of Donna's problem. Of course, the camera man was lost. "That's impossible. That's ancient! Huon energy doesn't exist anymore, not for billions of years!"

The Time Lords had destroyed Huon energy. It shouldn't be possible for someone to get hold of it since then, so how had it wound up inside of Donna? The energy itself was almost as old as the Time Lords, around since the dark times of the universe. But something that old… "It can't be hidden by a bio-damper!"

He took off as quickly as he could to the front of the reception hall, where he discovered what he had been afraid of finding. Outside the windows, two Santas slowly made their way up the lawn, taking position with their weaponized golden instruments aimed right at the front of the building. If anyone tried to go out that way, they wouldn't stand a chance.

"Donna!" Calling over the din of the music, the Doctor flew back to Donna, vaulting over a chair in the way. "Donna, they've found you."

The joyous look on her face from seconds ago was gone now, replaced with one of concern as she eyed the family members around her. "But you said I was safe."

"The bio-damper doesn't work. We've got to get everyone out!"

Donna was in danger, but so was Evie. For someone to have access to Huon particles, they had to be very old and very powerful. He needed to find Evie, and soon. Who knew what they could be doing to her?

**~Evie~**

I wasn't sure which was worse anymore, this or Torchwood. Torchwood had been a whole month of pain and hell, but at least they had never waterboarded me.

It had been hours since they'd brought me here and I'd been jerked around and forced to drink another three jugs of water. Each one was worse than the last and more terrifying, feeling more and more like I was drowning. At some point - it was impossible for me to remember when - I had thrown up, my gag reflex having had endured far too much and my stomach far too full to take in anymore. The eight-legged freak in the sky had merely laughed at me from the intercom and demanded that I drink another jug to replace what I had just wasted. There had barely been time to finish spewing the liquid from my nose and mouth before the robot hands were pulling my jaw open again and another jug was choking me on its way down my throat.

By this point I was completely and utterly drenched, my hair hanging limply around my shoulders and my clothing clinging to my too-thin body like a second skin. I was freezing, my teeth were chattering, and my whole body was shaking uncontrollably, almost like I was having a seizure on the hard concrete floor with my hands still bound behind me.

Why couldn't they just kill me? I thought I was safe when the Doctor told me he would protect me from Yvonne. I'd been so relieved… How had it come to this, that now I was being held hostage and tormented again, barely 24 hours after being rescued from my last tormentor?

"Hey, vermin!" I croaked out, doing my best to sound tough, despite the shake in my voice from the tremors running through me. "You might as well just kill me already." _Please_. I didn't want to do this anymore, didn't want to fight. I'd been fighting for a month now. Enough was _enough_. "I won't give you what you want. You won't get your silly particles from me." For the life of me, the name of the particles still escaped me.

Her cackle echoed off the walls. "You have no choice, silly little human. You cannot control the Huon energy." Ah, Huon, that was it.

As if on cue, one of the robots started marching toward me from the row of blue Huon tubes across the way. I tensed, snarling at it, "No, I won't drink anymore. I'd rather choke on it and die than drink anymore of your bullshit."

The robot wasn't holding another jug, though. Instead there was a small device in its hands, complete with a small vial of the same liquid I'd been forced to drink over and over. Everything went quiet as the robot twisted some sort of knob on the top of the vial. The liquid inside began to bubble and glow a light yellow shade, the Huon particles reacting to the device. I looked down at myself from where I lay on my side, expecting to see some sort of similar light like I remembered Donna glowing in the episode. Several heart beats later, nothing was happening. They'd nearly drowned me, making me drink five water jugs worth of Huon particles, and nothing was happening. I hoped that didn't mean I would have to drink more; I would kill myself first. Somehow.

The voice roared loud enough that the whole room shook. "There is no reaction! Why?"

For whatever reason, I found this to be immensely hilarious. It was probably my delirious state, and I began to laugh. At one point I laughed so hard that I snorted, and found that equally as funny. "It must be because I don't exist. Did I forget to tell you that?"

The next scream was so shrill that I winced, my laughing instantly ceasing. "The strange girl wants to die? Then she will die! She will make a delicious meal for my children, but not until the time is right. Restrain her!"

"You can tie me up and lock me away, I'm used to it. But the Doctor will be coming for me, and he'll squash you like the bug you are." Even as I taunted her, I didn't fully believe it. The Doctor would be coming, that much was true, but he wasn't coming to save me. "He might not be coming for me, lady, but he'll be here. You might as well say goodbye to your freaky children now." After the way I'd said I didn't trust him, he wasn't coming to save me. I knew that. I was a burden to him, a burden he didn't want to deal with. That was obvious from the way he'd left me behind, from the way he'd forgotten his promise. After all, I was almost positive the only reason he had come back for me was because I was like Donna, too dangerous to be left on my own. The Doctor would come because the clues would lead him here, but not because he cared about saving me.

The robots hauled me up from the floor to my feet, the whole room swaying with the movement. "Silence the human girl," the empress gave one final command before going silent.

I should probably fight. Two of her robot minions had me by either arm, holding me in place as images of Cybermen took over my mind for what felt like the hundredth time since I'd woken up here, and another two carried a large bundle some sort of white, translucent fabric over to set at my feet. I should fight, but what did I care anymore? My own world was lost to me with no way of getting back there, not that there was any reason for me to go back there, short of being able to see Lexa again. I had lost my home in this world, too. I couldn't go back to Regina; it would only put her in danger. I wasn't sure if I could trust the Doctor, and that uncertainty had ruined any chances of working on being able to trust him. The empress was going to turn me into alien spider food and that knowledge hit me with an overwhelming feeling of relief that scared me more than the idea of actually dying.

Starting from my feet, the white fabric was slowly wound up the length of my legs, tight enough that I was sure it would cut off circulation. The fabric was odd, though, the miniscule threads that formed it clear against the dark color of my wet jeans. It was much stronger than its flimsy appearance made it seem… It wasn't fabric, I suddenly realized with a knot of repulsion forming inside my stomach. They were binding me up with a spider web. The thought was enough to make me want to hurl again. I _hated_ spiders.

The binding had reached my torso and I looked up at the ceiling, needing to take my mind off of the very real possibility that spiders were crawling all over me. My skin started to tingle at the thoughts.

"When the Doctor sees what you've done, he's going to be pissed," I taunted again, needing some kind of distraction from my mind. "The storm is coming-"

Something soft was shoved in my mouth, effectively cutting off my threats. I could only hope that, somehow, it was a rag and not a spider web gagging me. Before I realized it, I was completely bound from my feet to my shoulders. Even my arms, which were still tied behind me, had been wrapped and encased against my body. To make matters worse, the web material was now being wound up my neck. All I could do was make muffled groans in protest while it covered my jaw and the entire lower half of my face, right up to the bottom of my nose. Breathing was still possible, but there was no ability to move my mouth or speak. When I strained against the binding, I wasn't surprised to find it impossible to move even a centimeter.

Just like at Torchwood, I was trapped. Spider web or leather straps, it was all the same, a tool for them to pin me down and what with me what they would. Steadying breaths through the nose weren't doing anything to calm my racing heart.

Then I was being lifted, one robot grabbing me by the shoulders and another by the feet, and carried across the room. Was this it? Were they going to throw me down the hole to the empress's children?

I was unable to even turn my head to see what direction they were taking me, but it wasn't long before I heard a noise, the sound of metal squeaking like it needed to be oiled. The sensation of falling took me by surprise, my stomach flipping over itself and leaping into my throat in fear.

There was no time to consider what I was falling into before my back slammed into something hard, my whole body vibrating with the impact. All of the air in my lungs left me, my vision going dark with spots clouding my view. Something had definitely cracked and every fiber of my being was hollering in pain. Through the ringing in my ears, there was a muffled sound of metal squeaking a second time.

It took a few moments for the sharp pricks of pain to fade into an all over ache I was familiar with, my back throbbing heavily, and for my vision to return to normal. When it did, I realized I was staring up at the ceiling through a bunch of tiny squares. Another moment had me putting it all together finally. I was looking through a metal grate; there must have been some kind of alcove beneath the floor.

More noises-robots walking above me, a whirring of some sort-came to me, but it was taking everything in me to fight a rising surge of panic.

**~X~**

Working through the panic attack was made twice as difficult and took twice as long as usual without the ability to count out of order out loud. My tried and true strategy to calming my brain didn't work quite as well when I was bound and gagged. Counting in my head wasn't as effective for me.

Stabbing pains had begun to form all over my back, particularly near my chest, and combined with the tight binding, I couldn't take more than quick shallow breaths. The Doctor was going to have to add another patch back there when…

Except that he was never going to add another blue patch. I was stuck in a hole in the floor. He would never see me down here, and I wasn't sure he would save me even if he did.

I wasn't sure who I was more mad at: the Doctor or myself. He had let me down when I needed him the most, but I had let myself trust him. Even when everything else in this world had turned out different from what I expected, I still let myself believe he would be the same Doctor from the show. More than that, I let myself believe that I was good enough, that he had come back for me because he saw some kind of potential in me. No, he'd come back for me because I was hazardous. That was the reason I'd left Regina's, wasn't it?

I would never be Rose, or even Donna. The Doctor didn't want someone like me, especially not after how I had acted. He had just lost the love of his life, and instead of cutting him some slack, I yelled at him, cursed at him, all in front of Donna. What should he care about me for?

A small part of me revolted at the thought. After all, he had saved my from Yvonne, had patched me up, given me the pill to keep from dreaming… Would he have done those things if he didn't care? I wanted so desperately to believe in him, but I was angry at myself for letting myself fall into this trap. It was the same trap I'd fallen into before.

Doctor…

What was that sound? It was low and muffled, but not a single continuous noise. It kept changing in volume and tone and, though I couldn't make it out exactly, it sounded like voices. Could the Doctor and Donna be here already?

As if on cue, the empress's voice came over the speakers again, sounding slightly less grating on my nerves from this hole in the ground. "Oh, both are long since lost." There was a whirring again, the same sound from before, and I wondered if some sort of wall was the reason the voices had sounded so distorted. "I have waited so long, hibernating at the edge of the universe… until the secret heart was uncovered and called out to awaken!"

Though I couldn't see him from where I lied in the hole, I could picture the Doctor's face as he peered over the edge of the hole, sounding very unimpressed. "Someone's been digging. Oh, very Torchwood. Drilled by laser. How far down does it go?"

"Down and down, all the way to the center of the Earth!"

"Really?" There was a pitch to his voice, belying a bit of curiosity. "Seriously? What for?" Donna started to say something, only to be cut off. "Nevermind, not important. Where is she? Where are you hiding Evie?"

My heart skipped a beat, a traitorous moment of hope taking over. He was looking for me? I tried to make some sort of sound, anything to get his attention, but then the empress was speaking again and I knew it was no use. "I know not of who you speak. Who-"

There was a sudden hard edge to the Doctor's raised voice as he spoke over her. "Don't lie to me. I know you have Evie, the girl you found in the taxi cab. If she's been harmed in any way, any way at all-"

"Oh, that little human girl," the empress said, cackling. "The noisy girl who is not the bride. I had her killed."

"No, she can't be dead!" Donna's voice was a sob amongst the laughter.

When the empress was finished, the Doctor spoke again, his voice low. The dangerous hint of the Oncoming Storm I had seen on TV was enough to make even me shudder. "You have no idea the trouble you've brought upon yourself if that's true."

"The girl was of no use to me. She was dosed with the Huon particles, yet they had no effect. Without use, I ordered her killed. She made a… delicious snack."

"No! Doctor… Tell me that's a lie. She was only in the taxi 'cause of me. Evie's dead… 'cause of me."

Again, I made every effort to scream past the gag and the spider web wrapped around my jaw, but it came off as little more than a mumble. I might have stood a chance if the room was silent but they would never hear me over everyone talking and the empress's obnoxious raspy lisp.

"Donna, you listen to me. Remember what I just said. Evie is a fighter. I haven't known her long, but I can tell. She wouldn't go down without a fight. I promise you she is alive." If only he knew how wrong he truly was. I hadn't fought them. If they had decided to throw me down the hole and feed me to her children, I'd be dead by now. I was just so _tired_ of fighting all the time. But… he hadn't given up on me. He was looking for me. The shame that hit me almost overwhelming. Had I really thought he wouldn't? "Only a madman talks to thin air, and you've already made me mad. Where are you?"

"High in the sky, floating so high on Christmas night."

"I didn't come all this way to talk on the intercom! Come on, let's have a look at you!"

"Who are you with such command?"

"I'm the Doctor. Stop wasting my time!"

"Prepare your best medicines, doctor-man, for you will be sick at heart." In a burst of light that even I could see through the metal grate above me, the empress teleported down. From the proximity of her laughter, she must have been standing nearly above me.

"The Racnoss…" The Doctor was full of amazement, mixed with just a little bit of horror. "But that's impossible. You're one of the Racnoss!"

"_Empress_ of the Racnoss."

"But if you're the empress, where's the rest of the Racnoss? Or… are you the only one? That's it, isn't it? The Racnoss come from the Dark Times, billions of years ago, billions. They were carnivores, omnivores… They devoured whole planets."

"Such a sharp mind. The noisy girl spoke of you, her doctor-man." She was taunting him now, unaware of how completely he could destroy her with so little effort. "She said you would not come for her. But, oh, how she begged for you."

There was a long pause, filled only with the hisses of the empress. When the Doctor finally spoke, it was in a tone so loud I could have sworn he was speaking in my ear, his voice thick with an emotion I couldn't place. "I will always come for her. Always. Evie?" He yelled my name even louder now. "Evie, don't you dare give up. I know you're still here somewhere, so don't you give up, you hear me? I don't care what you've done; I will always come for you, no matter what."

Doctor! Try as I might to twist my head or open my mouth wide enough to get past this damned web, I couldn't. There wasn't a piece of my body I could move, and tears formed in my eyes. I told him I didn't trust him, had believed he would let me die here, and yet he had come for me. I had acted like a broken monster to him, not even considering that he had his own trauma he was dealing with, and he had come.

Above me, the conversation continued on, with the Doctor explaining to Donna that the Racnoss, the name I had spent the last several hours trying to recall, ate people. I listened, all while furiously trying to come up with a solution to my predicament. He had come for me, but what good would that do if he had no idea where I was? At some point, he was going to flood this room and drain the Thames River in an attempt to kill the Racnoss. But if this went like the episode did, I might drown in this hole before they could find me.

"Lance, don't be so stupid! Get her!" Donna's yelling ripped me from my thoughts, pulling my glance up despite the fact I still couldn't see anything. Where was X-Ray vision when I needed it?

In unison, Lance, the man Donna was supposed to marry, laugh with the empress. His voice was full of a condescending pity when he was finished. "God, she's thick. Months I had to put up with her. Months. A woman who can't even point to Germany on a map."

I snorted, infuriated and unable to do anything about it. I was awful at geography in school, always had been. Pointing to Germany on a map was something I probably couldn't do either. What the hell did that matter?

"You had to be dosed with liquid particles over six months," the Doctor quietly explained to a confused Donna, all while I pictured the fallen, dejected look that must have been on her face.

She didn't deserve this, not one bit. It reminded me of the way I'd felt the first time my father had hit me, the first time I had realized he wasn't the same man I remembered. God, Lance deserved to die for making her feel like this. Nobody should ever have to feel the way Donna felt right now: tricked, betrayed, and stupid for not realizing it sooner.

Focus, Evie. The longer I listened to them yammer on above me, the longer I sat trapped and the more likely I was to die down here. There was a part of me that relaxed at the thought, a part of me I was going to have to contend with sooner than later, and the little voice in my head very politely told it to shut up. Regardless of that part of me, drowning was not the way I wanted to go. How was I supposed to get out of here?

If the Huon particles within me didn't work, there was no way for me to pull a Donna and appear in the TARDIS. So, a magic disappearing act was out of the question. Maybe there was something sharp or pointy in this hole that I could somehow tear this spider web binding on? It worked well enough in the movies whenever people were trapped. Of course, I would have to find some way of moving, or of sitting up at the very least, for that to work.

Mustering up any resolve I had left in me, I began to strain against the spider web wrapped around my body. The amount of wiggle room was miniscule, but wiggle I did. One way or another, I would get out of this mess.

**~The Doctor~**

"Take aim!"

The Doctor listened to the Racnoss empress call her pilot fish to order. He had a plan formulated in his mind, but they couldn't escape just yet. He hadn't found Evie yet. "Well, I just want to point out the obvious..." The longer he could keep them talking, the longer he had to figure out where they'd hidden her.

The empress grinned at him, her razor-like front legs raising into the air in glee. "They won't hit the bride. They're such very good shots."

Despite his plan, the Doctor pulled Donna behind him. Just seconds ago, she'd thrown herself in front of him to protect him. Time and time again, humans never ceased to amaze him. She'd just gotten the worst news of her life-her fiance had just been using her to get what he wanted from the oversized spider-but she was still fighting back. He could only hope that Evie had fought, just like Donna. _Where was she_?

"Just… hold on, just a tick. Just a tiny… tick." From his pocket, he withdrew the vial of Huon particles he'd found when they first entered the room. If he was correct, and he usually was, this would be their way out. "If you think about it, the particles activated in Donna and drew her inside my spaceship. So, reverse it… the spaceship comes to her." They were out of time. He twisted the knob on top of the vial, grinning when the TARDIS began to materialize around them. "Off we go!"

The moment the TARDIS was whole, the Doctor bounded across the room to the console, fingers flying to turn the settings back to a point further than he'd gone before. "Oh, you know what I said before about time machines? Well, I lied. And now we're gonna use it." The empress had drilled her way to the center of the Earth for a reason, and they needed to figure out what that reason was before it was too late. Eventually, she would learn how to reverse the pull of the Huon particles, just like he'd done. Donna's life, and Evie's depended on finding out just what the Racnoss wanted with Earth. "If something's buried at the planet's core, it must've been there since the beginning. That's just brilliant! Molto bene! I've always wanted to see this. Donna, we're going further back than I've ever been before."

When she didn't respond, the Doctor raised his head from the controls to find Donna sitting in the captain's chair. Her back was to him but it was obvious from the way her whole body shook that she was crying, silently. He opened his mouth once, twice, before closing it and deciding not to say anything.

He was unsure of what to do or how to comfort her. Crying women were not his specialty. Rose had rarely cried, not counting the times she'd made him watch some kind of cheesy movie where she'd gotten a bit too emotional. What was he supposed to do? Was this why Evie was having trouble with him? Had he not supported her enough after rescuing her?

No, he supposed not, thinking back over their interactions as he leaned against the console. Evie had every right to be angry with him. Losing Rose so unexpectedly was harder than he could have ever imagined, but his grief didn't excuse the fact that he'd left her behind or his lack of thought when he'd run tests on her while. He was 900 years old; common sense should have told him how she would feel about it considering what she'd just been through. There was no way of knowing everything that she'd been through at the hands of Yvonne Hartman, but she'd said and he could guess enough.

His grief didn't excuse him forgetting his promise to her, either. Force of habit had made him grab her hand. The way her odd-colored eyes had dilated in fear and she had caved inward around herself, her whole body immediately starting to shake… It made him sick to his stomach to know he had caused her unnecessary pain like that. Now he had no idea what the empress of the Racnoss had done, or was still doing, to her.

When the TARDIS arrived mere moments later, the Doctor peered around the console once more at Donna, who had a hand raised to wipe cheeks. "We've arrived…" he said softly, still a little uncertain in his approach. "Want to see?"

She simply shrugged and mumbled a morose, "I suppose."

He made a show of swinging the monitor around, frowning at the tiny view on the screen. "Scanner's a bit small. Maybe your way's best." If this didn't work to cheer her up a bit, he wasn't sure what would. He was only a few steps away from the doors when he realized she was still sitting down. "Come on. No human has ever seen this. You'll be the first."

"All I want to see is my bed." She stood, though, and made her way, rather unenthusiastically, to the door.

The Doctor couldn't help but grin as he pulled the double doors open, taking in Donna's satisfying gasp as her eyes beheld the view in front of them. "Donna Noble, welcome to the creation of the Earth."

Beyond the doors, the universe was nothing but gases and clouds in various colors and shades. The sun, the only bright point out there, shone through it all, highlighting bits of rock and stardust as they floated by. Rocks of every size hung suspended in space, just waiting to be called for a purpose. "We've gone back 4.6 billion years. There's no solar system, not yet. Only dust and rocks and gas." Donna's lips parted in awe as he pointed to the bright star in the background. "That's the sun over there, brand new. Just beginning to burn."

"Where's the Earth?"

"All around us, in the dust."

"Puts the wedding in perspective," Donna said with a small sigh. He loved this moment, a person's first true understanding of how vast and impressive the universe really was. "Lance was right. We're just… tiny."

"No, but that's what you do," he said quickly, doing his best to cheer her up. "The human race, making sense out of chaos. Making it out with weddings and Christmas and calendars… This whole process is beautiful, but only if it's being observed."

Rose would have loved this.

The thought was sudden, striking a painful blow in his chest once more. Once it was there, he couldn't get rid of it. It was true; she would have loved this, the creation of her home. Rose had a habit of sticking her tongue out of the corner of her mouth when she was happy, when she was in awe. It wasn't fair, he couldn't help but think as he stared out into the universe, Rose Tyler should be here right now. She would know how to comfort Donna and what to do about Evie. Evie would have trusted Rose, he could tell by their exchange at Torchwood, and Rose would have never let him act like such an idiot. What was he going to do without her?

He tried to shake away the thoughts of Rose, leaving his focus on Evie, as he continued to explain to Donna. "Eventually, gravity takes hold. Say, one big rock, heavier than the others, starts to pull other rocks towards it. All the dust and gas and elements get pulled in, everything, piling in until you get the-"

"Earth." Donna couldn't figure out where to look, everything was so vast and beautiful. The idea that, somehow, her world had come from all of this, that she had come from all of this, was stunning.

"But the question is, what was that first rock?"

They fell into an easy silence, watching and waiting, until Donna pointed at something far in the distance: a star-shaped rock emerging from behind an orange cloud of dust and gas. Right away, the Doctor recognized it, not as a rock but as a ship. "The Racnoss…" Rushing back to the console, he spun a wheel frantically. "Hold on, the Racnoss are hiding from the war. What's it doing?"

As he spun the wheel, time around them sped up, like fast forwarding a recording. Donna watched it all in amazement as rocks, dust, and gas all flew towards the star-shaped rock, as if being pulled in by a magnetic force. "Exactly what you said."

Then he was back at her side, observing with a sense of impending doom. "Oh, they didn't just bury something at the center of the Earth… They became the center of the Earth. The first rock."

A Racnoss ship was the center of the Earth… A Racnoss ship likely full of fledgling Racnoss, all born starving and hungry for flesh. The Huon energy suddenly made sense; the empress would need it to awaken and energize her young.

If Evie was still alive… No, he wouldn't allow himself to think like that. She was still alive. He needed to find her, and fast, before the children of Racnoss awoke.

The question was, where was she?


	12. Finding Evie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has commented on this story so far or left Kudos! I want to let you know that the next update might be a little bit of a wait. I have another Doctor Who story that I'm starting up, it will be called "The Light Within", and I'm going to get the first couple of chapters done for that story before continuing on with this one. After that, I'll be alternating between the two stories. I hope that you'll check out that story when I get it up and running in hopefully another week or so.
> 
> I do also have a Trello (link is in my profile) page where I post status updates of my fanfictions. If you're interested, you can check there to see where I'm at in the writing process and which stories are being worked on at any given moment.

Chapter 12: Finding Evie

* * *

_~"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."~_

_Confucius_

* * *

The Doctor had said he would come for me, no matter what. I believed him. At least, I _wanted_ to believe him. Yet… The longer I sat here, the harder it became.

Straining against the spider web wrapped around my entire body for several long, agonizing minutes had managed to stretch the fibers enough that I could now bend my body, but not much else. By the time I had even managed to accomplish that, a searing throbbing pain had developed within my chest, spreading down the length of my back. It was hard to breathe, and this time it wasn't because of a panic attack.

The pain had me wondering if I'd cracked a rib when the robots had thrown me into this hole, which would make that twice now in a very short amount of time. The pain could also be from nearly drowning or because this binding around me was so tight it was crushing my lungs. Whatever the cause, it had become impossible to free myself any further. I had managed to wiggle myself into a sitting position, braced up against the wall of this dark hole, with my legs partially bent upward in front of me. If I leaned forward, I could just about rest the top of my head on my knees.

It was hard to know how long ago the TARDIS had disappeared. My whole body had tensed up at the sound of its departure. The Doctor would come back. He had to.

The empress of the Racnoss had raged, completely livid and barking at her minions to bring it back. They would, of course, but how long would that take? How much longer could I sit here this crushing weight in my chest finally suffocated me?

With the bride gone and the Huon particles refusing to leave my body, Lance had been forced to become the new key. It made me almost giddy to hear him choking down jug after jug of water, sputtering the entire time just as I had. For what he had done to Donna, he deserved to beg for them to stop and to be ignored.

"Check that he has absorbed the Huon energy," the empress had demanded when the sound of Lance's gagging could no longer be heard.

My own body began to glow a pale yellow color at the same time as the empress released a shrill, gleeful laugh. My already racing heart jumped in my chest, thinking the spider had noticed, but I wasn't even giving off enough light to brighten the little space I was in. If it hadn't been so dark in my hole, I doubt I would have noticed at all. Still, the Huon particles refused to leave my body, leaving me wondering about the potential risks of having it inside of me. After all, Huon energy was supposed to be deadly. Not that dying hadn't already crossed my mind about a hundred times today…

There was no concept of time in this hole. No clocks, no phone, and no ability to check a watch even if I was wearing one. With nothing to distract my mind, it was getting more and more difficult to keep the thoughts and memories of Torchwood out. Everything about this situation was just one big Torchwood throwback, considering that only a day ago I had been in Yvonne's clutches and was being forced around by Ed and Toupee. God, I hoped they had been turned into Cybermen.

How did I keep managing to do this to myself?

A clicking sound above me had my head raising to look, and my whole body shook violently as a large spike suddenly shot down through the grate. No, not a spike, I realized a second later, but a leg. It landed mere centimeters away from my bent legs, then pulled back up to lift the grate away. With my bindings, I couldn't have escaped if I had tried, so there was nothing I could do but stare into the face of the Racnoss empress as she leaned over the opening, looking down upon me with a sneer. Much like the Daleks and the Cybermen, she was more terrifying now that this was real life. On television, it had been easy to tell that she was just a person wearing face paint with fake fangs. Faced with the real thing… There was nothing fake about her now.

The pitch black of her many beady eyes blinked at me unnervingly from above. Her deep crimson flesh had a sticky sheen to it, much like the shine off the threads of a spider web. I was filled with the disturbing notion that I would be little more than an insect caught in her web if I ever touched her. Her long fangs protruded past her black lips, sharpened to needle-like points just like her leg. The tiny, almost unnoticeable hairs that seemed to cover her skin was enough to send a nauseous shudder through me, just like real spiders did.

She hissed at me through her heavy lisp, her voice burdened by the bulk of her fangs. "The noisy human may not have absorbed the Huon particles as intended, but she will be of use. She will make a delicious first meal for my starving children." Two of her legs appeared at the top of the hole, coming frighteningly closer as they reached for me.

One hairy leg was nearly about to graze the side of my face when, unexpectedly, she pulled back, her horrifying face turning to look at something off to the side. "At last, the bride shall join her groom!" The legs withdrew and the grate slammed shut so loudly that I winced. "What a wedding there shall be."

I could hear the sound of the TARDIS, that deep wheezing sound, as the blue box must have faded out of sight again, causing the empress to scream in fury. "She is close! The holy bride in white. Find her! Find her!"

She scurried away from where I sat, her many sharp legs clicking on the concrete floor as she moved. The Doctor must have shifted the TARDIS to another area of this basement level we were in. At least it had distracted her from making spider chow out of me.

Of course, my memory told me that I was running out of time. Biting down on the rag or, worse, spider web stuffed inside of my mouth, I began to wriggle inside of my binding once more, trying to bear through the pain that erupted through my torso with the movement. It felt as if someone had grabbed my ribcage with both hands and was trying to twist and rip it in half, and it was even harder to breathe when I was moving. After even just a minute, the agony was blinding, but I couldn't stop. It was my fault I was in this mess; I deserved this. This was karma's way of telling me I had screwed up.

It wasn't the Doctor's fault that I was so messed up, that I couldn't keep the thoughts of Torchwood out of my head. He had done what he always did, reached for the person he was traveling with. He had reached for Rose. I was the one who couldn't cope, and now I was here. If I couldn't manage to either get loose or, at the very least, get my mouth open to make some kind of noise, he would never find me down here. Not that I was super looking forward to seeing him again, nor the conversation he was going to want to have, but the alternative was drowning and dying in this hole.

Did part of me think that was the better alternative? Yes, and I was ashamed of it. Regina would never forgive me if I let myself die, especially not after promising her I would come back to visit. My mother, if she could see me in this world from whatever afterlife she was in, would never forgive me if I gave up like that, either. So I bit down through the pain.

Even as I could make out the sound of Donna being hauled in, kicking and screaming, I squirmed to my full extent. "Get your creepy spider legs off of me! What d'you think you're doing? Let me down!" Even in the face of certain danger and possible death, Donna was full of demands. It brought a smile to my face, and I felt the web around my jaw loosen just a little bit more. The whole thing was slowly starting to fall apart, but there was still so much of it, wrapped too tightly still for any hope of escape. A snapping sensation filled my chest, my vision going white as the pain intensified and my throat screamed into the gag.

I couldn't move for a good, long moment, as the spots cleared from my eyes. That was definitely a rib, it had to be, and I found myself listening to the empress's voice as a distraction. Up above, she must have tied Donna and Lance near each other, likely right above the giant crater leading to the center of the Earth.

She was cackling over something she'd just taunted the couple with, before shouting, "Activate the particles. Purge every last one! And release!"

The particles must have purged Donna and Lance successfully because the empress's laughter sounded again. Once again, my body seemed to glow, a little brighter than before, but nothing came out. Was it truly because I didn't exist that the Huon particles wouldn't leave my body?

"The secret heart unlocks. And they will awake from their sleep of ages!"

Donna's voice was full of confusion and a slight terrified tremor as she asked, "Who will? What's down there?"

"How thick are you?" That was Lance's voice, sounding more annoyed with the redhead than scared of the situation he was in.

As the empress triumphantly explained to Donna just what they had woken up, I forced myself to continue my assault on the spider web encasing me. The piece around my chin, covering my mouth, was starting to slide. Any moment now I might actually be able to speak.

_Keep going_, I commanded the part of my brain that screamed at me in agony. Ignore the pain and keep going.

Hearing Lance's voice again caught my attention, though I refused to stop my movements. He was begging the empress now for his life. "Use her! Not me! Use her!" Even in my fervor to get free, I rolled my eyes in disgust. What a coward and a hypocrite that man was. He deserved what he had coming.

The empress made a _tsk_ sort of sound through her fangs, chiding him. "Oh, my funny, little Lance! But you are quite impolite to your lady-friend. The empress does not approve."

There was the sound of a snap, not from me this time, and then Lance's screaming, loud at first but quickly sounding further and further away until his voice disappeared altogether. Just like that, Lance was gone, dropped down the hole to become Racnoss bait. Donna called after him in despair, a sob breaking the end of his name on her lips.

"The noisy girl who cannot be purged will be next, followed by the bride."

I wasn't free yet; she couldn't feed me to her freaky children. Not yet!

The Doctor wasn't here yet.

When the empress spoke again, commanding her robot servants to start harvesting the humans, my thoughts suddenly shifted. I wasn't thinking of the pain or the Doctor anymore, but of Regina. It occurred to me, as I continued to squirm, that the last time I'd seen her was in July. It was Christmas tonight. In normal time, that meant she hadn't seen or heard from me in five months. For me, though, it was less than a day since I told her I couldn't stay. Had she looked for me in these five months?

"My children are climbing towards me and none shall stop them!" The empress's cackle pulled me from my thoughts, but her next words had me freezing. "So you might as well unmask, my clever little doctor-man."

Doctor? The web was almost off my face and I was that much closer to spitting out the gag and being able to call for him. Just a few more moments…

"Oh well, nice try." From his voice, it sounded like he was just to the right, almost on top of my hiding place. "I knew Evie was still alive, and you just confirmed it. Evie, I'm coming for you!"

"Doctor! Get me down!"

"I've got you, Donna! Swing!"

Looking up through the square holes in the grate, I could barely make out Donna's form as she swung across the room, but I could hear a crash and a grunt of pain as Donna fell to the floor. "Thanks for nothing," she grumbled, her voice sounding so close she might as well have been right next to me. Wherever she was, though, she didn't seem to notice the grate in the floor at all, or the girl sitting at the bottom of it.

"Empress of the Racnoss," the Doctor began, full of a command and authority that I hoped he would never have to turn on me someday. "I give you one last chance. I can find you a planet. I can find you a place in the universe to coexist. Take that offer and end this now."

"These men are so funny," the empress made a snorting sound through her fangs.

I was running out of time. Although the bonds had loosened considerably, there was still no way for me to move my arms, stand, or even speak. Neither the Doctor or Donna would ever know I was down here.

"What's your answer?"

"Oh, I'm afraid I have to… decline." With that, I knew the empress of the Racnoss had just sealed her fate.

"Then you did this to yourself," he spoke slowly now, almost menacingly. Although he didn't make any actual threats or promises, the intention was clear. "You kidnapped and hurt my friend, and now you've refused my help. What happens next is your own doing."

Desperate now, I managed to pull my knees tighter into my chest, though the strain that placed on my back was hell compared to the pain before. Pressing my face into the spider web covering my knees, I began to rub my chin against the material. With every swipe, the web covering my chin was pushed lower and lower, until it was slipping down and onto my neck. Opening my mouth as wide as possible, I hurriedly began spitting and coughing whatever they had gagged me with out and onto the floor.

I didn't get the chance to call the Doctor's name, however. The moment I opened my mouth again to say anything, an explosion sounded and the room shook. As the empress began to wail, a thick and broken sound, the rest of the room erupted into one explosion after the other, too many to count.

It wasn't long before water was rushing over the holes in the grate above me, pouring down into the hole I was trapped in. Seconds passed, the water was already covering the bottom and rising. He wasn't going to find me down here.

"Doctor!" Regaining my senses, I screamed at the top of my lungs. "Doctor, I'm here!"

The few inches of water were starting to soak through the web to my clothes. With a start, I realized that, as the water drenched the web, it was starting to break apart. It was becoming a sticky mess, that much was true, but it was becoming easier and easier to move. If only I could get the whole thing wet… With the last of the explosions happening around the room and the empress still screeching mournfully, I stretched my body out as far as I could without falling over, allowing the majority of the web surrounding me to take on water.

"Doctor! You can stop now!" Donna's voice was still so close. If only she would look down.

The water was as high as my waist now, still stuck in my sitting position. I managed to rip my arms free from being pinned against my back, but my wrists were still bound together by their own web behind me. Panic was starting to creep in as the water pouring over me blurred my vision and I called out again in desperation. "Doctor! Donna! I'm here!"

They weren't going to find me in time. There was no way for them to hear me above the sounds of the rushing water. The empress called for a teleport, the sounds of her screaming finally gone, but the water was louder than I could be. I might as well have been trying to call for them from underneath a waterfall.

Despite the futility of it all, I kept trying, shouting again and again. The web was beginning to tear, but the rising water was at my chest already. A few more moments and I wouldn't be able to breathe. I was going to die here, and I would never be able to apologize to the Doctor. I would never see Regina again like I had promised.

I didn't fight. The one thing I had promised my mother I would always do, and I had failed. I had survived losing her and five years of hell with my father, and then let this world take me out in such a pathetic manner.

"_Doctor!_" My voice broke in a sob. "Please…" I felt another piece of the spider web rip and looked down, hoping to find that I could finally move my legs. It hadn't ripped completely in half yet, leaving me stuck in this position still, but I was beginning to glow. It wasn't quite as bright as a star, but enough that the entire cage around me was lit up. Would he see the light shining?

Ready to make one last attempt before the water did me in once and for all, I opened my mouth to scream again. My words caught in my throat as a flash of movement drew my eyes upward to where the grate was being lifted and shoved out of the way. Then the Doctor was there leaning over the edge where the grate had been, his tall frame drenched and a moment of relief widening his eyes.

He took one look at my predicament, at the water level and my bound state, and didn't hesitate to jump down, water splashing with the impact. "I'm here, Evie." His voice was both calm and rushed at the same time, caught somewhere between relief at finding me alive and needing to get out of here. He began to reach for me before catching himself and stopping. "I need to touch you in order to help you up and out of here."

There was no time to feel anxious at the idea, my whole system already panicking at everything that was happening. "Yes, fine, thank you. Save my life."

His hands were on my waist, pulling me into him and up onto my feet. The water rocked around us, but it was no longer threatening to drown me. In a few quick movements, he had ripped into the webbing still restricting me, freeing my wrists and then my legs. I could tell the difference between the tears and the water on my cheeks and just hoped that he wouldn't be able to tell I was crying. "You found me." I almost couldn't believe it, even as he wrapped his arms around my sopping shoulders in a tight embrace. "You came for me…"

He released me before I could begin to feel trapped and let his hands rest on either side of my face, tilting my head up slightly to meet the eyes I was trying to avoid. The soft glow from the Huon particles trapped inside of me made his eyes appear more amber than brown. "I meant what I said earlier. I will always come back for you, no matter what. Now, how 'bout we get out of here?" There was a lump in my throat as I nodded.

The ache still present in my back protested as the Doctor lifted me high enough to grab the edge where the hole met the floor. Either he was stronger than he looked or I had lost more weight than I originally expected because he hoisted me up by the waist like it was nothing. Donna was there, breathing out a "Thank goodness," as she reached to help me up.

No sooner had I gotten to my feet than Donna was pulling me into her own embrace. I was beyond thankful that they'd found me but, as the panic from nearly drowning began to settle, I began to feel overwhelmed from all the touching and had to quickly back away. My hands went to my arms, hugging myself in an attempt to stay warm and calm my nerves.

All around us, the room was beginning to fall apart. The crater to the center of the Earth was a whirlpool as the water from the river flooded in and the chain of explosions from before had caused the walls and structures to start collapsing. The whole area shook suddenly, causing all three of us to stumble. The strain placed on my back wrenched a sharp gasp from me. "I think it's time I got you both out of here," the Doctor said, glancing between Donna and me, then up at the ceiling. "Up the stairs now, quick."

The Doctor took the lead as we hurried over to the scaffolding of metal stairs I'd noticed earlier. All of the shaking had dropped debris in the way but it only took a moment for him to discard it. We climbed as quickly as we could, with me bringing up the rear. I felt a little lightheaded as we went, the pinching in my chest making it hard to breathe.

The metal staircase creaked and shook as we neared the top of it. I wasn't quite sure this thing would last long enough for us to escape but the Doctor waited patiently at the foot of a ladder for both of us to catch up to him. "Donna, you up first."

"What about Evie?" Donna cast me a worried look.

"She's next." He gave Donna a nudge, ushering her onto the ladder. Once she was a few rungs up, he turned to me again, taking in my shivering, huddled shape. "Can you climb?"

My glow from just a few minutes ago was gone now and my panic had died down, leaving me feeling raw and exhausted. I didn't trust my voice not to betray all the emotions-fear at facing the Doctor again and anger at so, so many things-running rampant through me. Instead, I could only nod. He stepped aside to let me up, and I began to climb the cold, metal structure, doing my best not to slip on the wet rungs.

About halfway up, Donna turned her head to call down. "But what about the empress?"

"She's used up all her Huon energy. She's defenseless!" the Doctor's bellowed response passed over me.

It felt like ages had passed before Donna was shouting that she'd reached the top and she was unscrewing some type of round hatch in the ceiling. I realized, after climbing halfway through the hatch after her, that we were on top of the Thames River. More specifically, one of the large silver structures located on the Thames River Barrier. The Evangeline side of my brain recognized it, though I'd never been here since waking up as her.

The Doctor warned us to be careful as I found my footing on top of the rounded structure. A narrow part of the top was flattened, likely to allow someone up here to clean, but it wouldn't be a pleasant fall if we slipped.

As the Doctor clambered out to join us, I found myself looking up into the night sky. The actual stars weren't visible, not with all the lights on the England skyline, but the empress's star-shaped Racnoss ship, torn to bits now by the country's army, hung pitifully darkness. There was no remorse inside of me for the fate the empress had met, not after the hell she'd put me through, but the sight of the destroyed star brought on an odd sort of sadness that I couldn't explain.

In front of me, the Doctor and Donna hugged each other, laughing hysterically at the sight of the drained Thames River all around us. A boat out in the distance, stranded against the dirt of the riverbed, blew its horn, a sound like the wailing of a lost soul, that only made them laugh harder. As much as I wanted to laugh with them, I couldn't.

I hadn't thought I would get to this point. I'd been positive that the Doctor wouldn't come for me… Not after the way I'd acted. Even after he'd said he would find me, I had believed that I would become spider food or drown first. For a second time, he had saved me.

And in return, all I had done was doubt him and treat him like garbage, so soon after he'd lost Rose. In some way, maybe I deserved everything that had happened to me tonight. The Doctor turned back to me with a grin, but I couldn't bring myself to return it.

Eventually, he scratched his head and announced, "We should probably find a way down. Get you home, Donna." A quick look about the structure we were standing on had him locating a second ladder off the back that brought us down to the pathway along the barrier.

I walked behind the two of them, partially listening in on the conversation between the Time Lord and the ex-bride. Donna was concerned about how we were going to get back when the TARDIS had been left in the flooded underground, but it wasn't a concern I needed to share. It would reappear somewhere; it always did.

Instead of joining the conversation, I stayed quiet, my arms wrapped around myself as I shuffled along. With every passing moment, the pain throbbing in my back grew and it hurt more and more to breathe. On top of that, the night air had chilled me to the bone, crystals of ice beginning to form along the hem of my shirt. My whole body shook from the cold, but I was worried if I said anything it would spark a conversation that I just wasn't ready to have right this second.

"The TARDIS should be around here somewhere," the Doctor mused, more to quell Donna's complaints than anything else. As they talked, he would glance over his shoulder at me every few moments. It seemed like he might be trying to catch my eyes, but I looked away each time. "She's designed to reposition herself nearby when in danger. Now we just have to find her."

Suddenly there was something on my arms and I jumped, startled. Looking down, I found the Doctor's brown pinstripe jacket wrapped around my shoulders. He was walking next to me now, looking odd in just a pale blue dress shirt and tie with his hands stuffed in his pockets. He didn't meet my gaze or say anything, just stayed by my side as he continued his conversation with Donna. The warmth of his jacket sent a rush of heat to my face. I pulled it tighter to me, blocking out the wind.

We continued to walk like that for some time down the Thames River Barrier before the Doctor let out a sudden exclamation and took off at a jog. "See? What did I tell you, Donna?"

Sure enough, tucked into an alcove next to one of the silver structures, was his blue box.

Donna breathed a sigh of relief as we approached the TARDIS. The Doctor was already busy opening the door, not looking to see if we followed him in. "Finally. I can't wait to climb into bed and forget all about this horrid day." I muttered an agreement and made to follow after the Doctor. "Evie." I paused, turning back to her. "I'm sorry."

Frowning, I was already shaking my head when I asked, "Sorry? What could you possibly have to be sorry for, Donna?"

"I'm the reason you were there, that you were almost fed to the…" She couldn't quite bring herself to acknowledge everything that had happened tonight just yet. "I dragged you into that cab, and I'm sorry. Are you alright?"

It wasn't as if Donna had known what would have happened. I did; I should have been more careful. "It's fine," I lied. She pursed her lips. "I'm fine, Donna, honest."

"No, you're not." With a sigh, Donna crossed her arms. "Anyone with half a brain can see that you're not. But if you wanna pretend, I won't argue. You look like a wet rat, though. Least you fit in his jacket."

I allowed myself a small smile at my favorite companion. "I look like a wet rat? Look who's talking? Wet wedding dress is not a good look for you." Donna's laughter was somewhat contagious and I found myself letting out my own as we finally walked into the TARDIS.

The Doctor continued to watch me from the corner of his eye as the TARDIS changed locations. I couldn't read the expression on his face, besides the slight crease in his brow, but it made me uncomfortable. There was something analytical about it, and I'd had enough of feeling like a science experiment.

By the time the TARDIS landed, the constant glances, combined with the chill that wouldn't leave me, were putting me on edge. Donna rushed outside, the Doctor trailing along behind her. "There we go. Told you she'd be alright. She can survive anything."

I could have sworn he looked at me again as he'd said that.

Taking off the Doctor's jacket, I folded it on top of the captain's chair and met them outside of the TARDIS doors. We had landed on Donna's street, quiet and serene on Christmas Eve. Christmas lights hung everywhere, on houses and street lamps, and large trees covered in decorations could be seen through almost every window facing the street. One tree in particular, complete with blinking colorful bulbs and a silver and blue angel on top, reminded me of the last tree Mom and I had decorated, the last tree I had ever decorated. Evangeline had decorated with Regina, of course, but those memories weren't truly mine, more like a dream I had somehow lived.

It was hard to look at all of this and realize that this was real. It was real, of course. I wouldn't be in this much pain, physically and emotionally, if it wasn't. Donna Noble was a real person, and she lived in a real house on a real street. My mind was still struggling to wrap itself around that concept, never mind beginning to try and figure out _how_.

With his Sonic Screwdriver in hand, the Doctor scanned it over the length of Donna's body, making a satisfied sound at the results. My feet, with a mind of their own, took an instinctive step back against the TARDIS door at the sight. "All the Huon particles have gone. No damage, you're fine." It made me wonder about the Huon particles still swimming around inside of me. Were they the reason my back and my chest hurt so much?

"Yeah, but apart from that…" Donna scoffed. "I missed my wedding, lost my job, and became a widow all on the same day. Sort of."

"I couldn't save him."

She shrugged instantly, playing off the hurt with a look of grim satisfaction. "He deserved it."

"That's true," I added, though I knew I shouldn't have.

The Doctor raised his eyebrows at two of us, frowning, and Donna conceded after a moment. "No, he didn't."

"That's crap." I knew I should shut up before I even opened my mouth, but couldn't seem to stop the words from coming out. "He willingly poisoned you and lied to you _for months_. That giant spider would have fed you to her children, and me, if she'd had the chance, and he was working with her! It's only karma that he was fed first."

Donna looked taken back by my outburst, unable to formulate a rebuttal, but the Doctor just shook his head. He seemed saddened by my response somehow. "You should know better, Evie. Nobody deserves that."

His obvious disappointment in my inability to be a better person struck a nerve. The tightness in my chest rose into my throat, finding a home there. "Yet, somehow, I do? If he doesn't deserve what happened to him, then that makes what he did to me, what _Torchwood_ did to me, okay? Why do you get to be the one to decide that?"

"No, Evie, that's not what-"

"Save it." He closed his mouth, running a hand through his messy, damp hair. Maybe it wasn't fair to blame him, but who was he to tell me how to feel? "Whatever. I'm not going to argue. After all, you'll just tell me I'm wrong anyway." Before he could say anything else, I turned to Donna. Just like that, he had ruined my goodbye to my favorite companion. Who knew if I would still be here when Donna came back? "Bye, Donna. I can't tell you how nice it was to meet you, in spite of everything that happened. Have a good life. Go do something big with it, for me."

"Sorry again for getting you into such a mess," she said with a slight smile. I shrugged it off, trying to return the smile. "I hope that you're able to move past it, whatever it is that you're so afraid of."

"I hope so, too." With one last goodbye, I pushed open the blue door and made my way back into the console room. Their conversation continued without me as I returned to the captain's chair, resting my forearms on the back. How dare he tell me that I "should know better"? As if I didn't have every right to be angry? I'd almost been spider food tonight. This life with the Doctor was starting to look more and more dangerous with every passing minute.

Part of me was tempted to ask him to take me home. But, then again, what was home? I hadn't been in this world long enough to really consider Regina's as home and, besides, going back would only put her in the same danger that had caused me to leave her in the first place. I couldn't go back to my own world. That house hadn't felt like home in eight years. What did _home_ even mean, anyway?

I was still lost in that thought when the Doctor came back inside. He cast one look at me, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand, but it was hard to tell just what he was thinking. I guess that was something I would have to get used to. In the past, I was usually so good at reading people. It had been easy with my father, his thoughts and moods corresponded with his choice of alcohol that day. But the Doctor… It was his eyes that threw me. They were dark and ancient, yet somehow still kind, impossibly hard and soft at the same time, and they made me feel like he was always looking both at me and right through me, as if he could, in some way, read the thoughts in my head and tell if my words didn't match up.

He moved to the console without saying anything, silently flipping a lever, and I took a few steps in the direction of the archway that led further into the TARDIS. My heart was suddenly beating just a little too quickly in my chest. Could he hear it?

The moment the TARDIS began to groan and wheeze, the sound of Donna's voice joined in. She was calling the Doctor's name, her bellows managing to be louder than the ship. The smile that formed on my face at hearing her quickly fell flat when I saw the Doctor flip the same lever back down and bound off down the ramp to talk to her. My ears were suddenly full of my voice, screaming his name until my throat was raw, as I chased him down on a broken ankle to the bottom of the Torchwood tower.

I couldn't help the feeling of resentment that washed over me as I eavesdropped. "Am I ever gonna see you again?"

"If I'm lucky."

"Just… Promise me something." Donna paused before continuing. "Promise me that you'll take care of each other, you and Evie. You need each other. You lost your friend, but Evie seems like she lost a lot more than that. Give her time, Doctor."

Though I couldn't see him, surprise laced the Doctor's voice. "Donna…"

"Don't argue. She needs you, that much is clear. And, sometimes, I think you might need someone to stop you."

"Yeah…" He sighed but didn't disagree. "Thanks then, Donna. Good luck, and just… Be magnificent."

"I think I will, yeah." She called his name one last time, a final question hanging there, as he started to close the door. "Doctor?"

"Oh, what is it now?" he asked, full of mocking exasperation.

"That friend of yours… What was her name?"

A swallow, and then, his voice thick, he told her, "Her name was Rose."

Their final goodbyes said, the Doctor slowly closed the TARDIS door, the loud _click_ filling the silence. I quickly started to walk away, not ready to face him yet, but I didn't get far. "Evangeline."

Without much choice, I stopped and turned around. He wiped a hand over his face, looking significantly older and much more tired than he had moments ago. He opened his mouth to speak, and suddenly words were pouring out of me.

"You heard her." That clearly wasn't what he was expecting me to say and it showed. His mouth opened again, but I couldn't stop myself. Like blood from a wound, all of my anger and frustration came gushing out. "She yells for you and you stop and go to her. I _screamed_ for you, over and over. I screamed bloody murder at the top of my lungs and you weren't even in the TARDIS when I called your name. And nothing. You could hear her, but not me? Am I that…" My voice cracked and I balled my hands into fists at my side because the desire to hit something was so great I wasn't sure I could suppress it. "I must matter so little to you."

His hands fell from his pockets to dangle uselessly at his sides while he looked anywhere, everywhere, but at me. Finally, his eyes settled on staring down at his shoes. "That's not it, I swear."

"Don't make promises if you're just going to break them," I said each word like a slap, hating myself for it as I watched his shoulders sag. "Why am I here, Doctor?" Stop it. I should stop; I didn't want to know this. Why couldn't I stop? "I don't mean here in this universe or in this body. But _here_, in the TARDIS, with you. Why did you ask me to come with you?" In shock and confusion, he looked up at me finally. "Answer me, Doctor. Did you ask me to come with you because I'm too dangerous on my own?"

I waited as his mouth moved. Open, then shut, and open again. But no words came out. The dilemma evident on his face and his struggle at finding the words… Being fed to the Racnoss children probably would have been less painful. "I can't do this right now." A tear slipped from my right eye and I quickly wiped it away before bolting out of the console room.

My bedroom was there in what felt like seconds, the TARDIS's doing no doubt, and I slammed the door shut behind me. Seeing the replica of Evangeline's room around me only made the tears that wouldn't stop flowing worse. The moment I laid eyes on the pajamas from this morning, laid out for me on the bed, I angrily stripped the damp clothes from my body. Instead of putting them in the hamper, they went shoved into the trashcan in the corner of the room. I was sobbing now, gasping for air in between cries.

I couldn't do this. Who was I kidding? Those clothes were just another reminder that this world had turned out crueler than I had anticipated, and I wasn't strong enough to handle it. Five years of abuse hadn't made me want to kill myself, but now I had thought about it at least a dozen times in a month. No wonder the Doctor had left me behind after everything I had said at Torchwood. Between the death wishes and the panic attacks, what would he want _me_ for? I wasn't Rose, or even Donna. I wasn't anyone.

After pulling on the pajamas, I let myself flop onto the bed, instantly regretting it with a yelp as spasms erupted throughout my upper back. Curling into a ball on my side was the most comfortable position I could find. I stayed like that, letting the tears leak out onto the bedspread. It was hard to tell when it had started, but I was glowing again, the Huon particles within me twinkling like the Christmas lights on Donna's street.

Lying there, with nothing but my mind to occupy myself, my thoughts drifted. At first, all I could think of was drowning and Torchwood. When my mind tired of replaying the nightmare that was my life recently, it went back further, to a time when I was Paige Howell. Back to the last time I had laid on my bed like this, curled into a ball with my heart threatening to rip itself in two. It had been Christmas then, just like it was now.

"_Daddy, stop it! That's Mom's tree! What are you doing? Daddy!" The porcelain angel from the top of the tree, the same angel that Mom loved so much, shattered against the wall, inches from my cheek. I was on the floor in an instant, grabbing at the pieces in a desperate hope that I could somehow salvage them. "Mom's angel…"_

_A shadow fell over me as I grabbed a piece, the angel's right eye, in my hand. "Damn brat, what do I care about some angel?" I looked up into my father's face, his cheeks flushed already from tonight's buzz. He'd been getting buzzed for weeks now, but tonight was different. He was drinking more than just beer tonight, straight from a bottle of scotch. He lifted the bottle to his lips, drinking down the last of the caramel liquid, then threw the bottle at the floor next to me, hard enough that it shattered. I flinched, my fists clenching instinctively._

_The piece of porcelain sunk into the center of my palm, wrenching a scream from my throat. Blood began to gush instantly and I started to cry, scared at the sight. "Dad-"_

_His hand was on the front of my shirt, grabbing the fabric at my neck in his fist and yanking me to my feet. Even though I was rising, I had the sense that I was somehow falling. My bare feet scrambled against the floor beneath me, narrowly avoiding stepping on the broken porcelain and glass. "Quit crying!" His voice was thunder. Before I knew what was happening, my back slammed into the wall behind me, tremors ricocheting through my body. His blue eyes were like ice, cold and unfamiliar. Who was this man? My father wouldn't act like this, wouldn't do this. My hand screamed in pain, the shard of porcelain still lodged there, and tears still streamed down my cheeks. He brought his face close to mine, the stench of scotch covering me like a sheet. "You don't get to cry, Paige."_

_I tried to look away from the hatred in his eyes but his hand moved from my shirt to my neck, fingers wrapping tightly around either side. I gasped, suddenly unable to breathe. My left hand began to claw at his, silently begging him to stop, but his fingertips only pressed harder. "Christmas doesn't matter. That damn angel doesn't matter. She's gone! What's the point of Christmas if she's gone, Paige, huh? Tell me that! And whose fault is it that she's gone?" Cancer, I wanted to say. Everything was starting to go fuzzy. She died of cancer. What did he mean, whose fault? "Yours." What? No… It wasn't my fault. How could it be? "It's your fault that she's dead." He let go of my neck, backing away, and it took everything in my quivering legs not to fall right back down on the floor as I violently coughed, forcing air into my burning chest. "Clean up your mess and get out of my sight."_

A knock at the door scared me from my thoughts. How long had I been lying here? Long enough that all of the anger and rage from before had drained out of me, leaving me with a hollow sort of feeling deep inside my core. My tears had dried up at some point, though I could still taste the salty tracks left behind on my lips. My face was probably splotchy and red, my eyes felt puffy. "Go away," my voice sounded foreign and weak. That wasn't my voice. This broken, useless, waste of space wasn't me. What had this world turned me into?

Another knock, then: "Evie? Can I come in?" I knew it was the Doctor at the first knock. After all, who else could it be? I sighed and reluctantly mumbled for him to come in, he would probably have come in on his own anyway if I hadn't answered, and attempted to sit up. The knife of pain in my torso was back as soon as I pushed myself up on my hands, making me hiss. The Doctor, after closing the bedroom door behind him, was at the side of my bed in an instant, his eyes scanning me in concern. He was once again wearing the suit jacket that I had left on the captain's chair. "What did they do to you?"

Breathing through the pain, I managed to push myself up into a sitting position, dangling my legs over the side of the bed. They didn't quite reach the floor. "Let's just say I'll never have to wonder what it feels like to be waterboarded again," I said, all the fire from earlier extinguished now.

He stood in front of me, his hands in his pockets, grimacing as he likely imagined what I'd endured. "What hurts?"

"My back." I rubbed a hand over the area right below my sternum. "My chest a little, too. I landed on my back when they threw me in that hole. It hurts to breathe."

"Could be your ribcage again." I had figured as much. "We need to talk."

"And if I said no?"

"Then I'll talk, and you can listen." The look he was giving me told me there was no way around this. I had expected that, too. "But, before that, I need you to come to the infirmary with me."

My breath hitched, fingers digging into the bedspread, at the thought of going back to that room. "The Huon particles. Are they going to kill me?"

"Hard to tell," he answered with a shrug. "They've obviously activated inside of you. It's how I was able to find you, the glowing. You were glowing before, as well, in the other room. The particles didn't purge out of you like they did Donna."

Looking down at myself, I wasn't surprised to find myself shimmering lightly now. The energy seemed to react to emotions and chemicals, it was why Donna had gotten pulled into the TARDIS while walking down the aisle. It made sense that I would be glowing, what with all of the conflicted emotions I was feeling right now. "No, they didn't. I wish the empress had realized that _before_ she force-fed me gallons of that crap."

He looked angry for a moment, releasing a sharp breath, but then it was gone. Then he shifted and, keeping a few feet between us, sat down on the edge of the bed, sideways so he could face me. "It might be because you don't technically exist, however that's possible, but the fact is that the Huon energy is still inside of you. It's deadly. If they don't break down, they could kill you. Hard to know for sure, of course, since you seem to defy all physical possibilities, but I would rather not take that chance."

He was dancing around the issue. I'd had enough experience with bad news in the past to know that he was rambling because there was something he didn't want to tell me. "Okay, Doctor." I turned my head, meeting his stare. "How do we do that? How do we get rid of them?"

After a pause, he swallowed. "An injection." The next words rushed out, a result of seeing the pure panic that took over me at the word. "There's a solution designed to break down any foreign compounds inside of a person's system, but it has to be injected directly into the bloodstream for it to work."

I was up and across the room before he finished explaining, ignoring the burst of pain across my chest. He didn't stand, but watched me warily like someone might watch a feral animal. "_No_," was all I could manage to get out as my body began to shake, the trembling beyond my control at this point. "No syringes. No injections." Days spent in a nauseous state, puncture wounds from needle after needle… I tried to tell myself this was different, the Doctor wasn't them. The grim sorrow on his face, knowing what he was asking me to endure, did nothing to help the unwanted fear. "No."

"Evie, I know-"

"No, you don't. You have an idea, but you don't _know_." My hand went to the large blue patch covering the place on my right arm they'd cut into. "You don't know how many times they stabbed me with needles or injected God knows what into me, into the hole in my arm."

"You're right. I don't. And if there was something else I could do, if there was a pill I could give you, I would. But this solution only works if injected." There was a pleading note in his voice that I hadn't heard before, a thickness that so far had only been present when he talked of Rose, when he added, "You'll die, and I don't want to lose you, too."

Hearing that gave me pause, acting as a lighthouse guiding me through the Torchwood fog taking over my mind. "You…" I almost couldn't say it, afraid I'd heard him wrong. "You don't want to lose me?"

The Doctor stood from the bed, taking a few tentative steps in my direction. I forced myself to stay still and stop pacing, even as all I wanted to do was run and hide from the idea of a syringe. He kept his distance and nodded. "I care about you, Evangeline," he said. "I may not have shown it very well and I'm sorry if you doubted it. But I care a great deal about you, and I don't want to lose you. I would never _willingly_ add to your pain, though it seems that's all I've done since we met, but I have no other options here."

He didn't want to lose me? I was important to him? He had come for me, after all… But, before in the console room, he'd hesitated… "You have to promise me that will be the only thing in the syringe. Just the solution and nothing else. And you have to promise that's all you'll do, inject me once and that's it. You have to give me your word."

"I promise you, Evangeline Craine, that nothing but the solution necessary to break down the Huon particles and save your life will be in the syringe. I plan to keep that promise." He started to turn, then stopped. "Of course, while we're in there, I could take a look at your back, if you'd like."

That didn't sound like it would require anything invasive, maybe just more blue patches, and I found myself nodding. "Fine. The injection and then you can patch me up again because my back hurts _a lot_, and I'm really tired of being in pain. But that's it. Promise?"

The smile that lifted the corners of the Doctor's lips was soft. With his index finger, he made a small X over one side of his chest, then the other. "Cross my hearts. I won't do anything else you don't want me to."

I was still breathing hard, a buzzing sense of panic present at the back of my mind, but I wanted to believe him. He had saved me today when it would have been easier to leave me for dead. If this was ever going to work, I had to _try_.

"Okay. I'll go to the infirmary."

We left my bedroom, walking side by side down the hallway in silence. Every step was a struggle for me, knowing what waited for me at our destination. The Doctor seemed pleased that I was cooperating, but the silence weighed on me. I knew we would have to talk and that I needed an actual answer to my question, but I couldn't bring myself to start the conversation.

When the frosted doors of the infirmary came into view after turning a corner, it took everything in me not to turn tail and run the other way. My eyes slowly adjusted to the bright white of the room after the doors slid open, and it was hard not to think of Torchwood as I crossed the room to climb up on the bed in the center at the Doctor's request. He searched through the same cabinet as last time, when he had given me the antibiotic and dream pill, while I made an attempt to get comfortable.

My eyes couldn't look away when he withdrew some sort of white tube, a wide roll of blue tape, and a metal syringe with a green liquid inside of it. "That green stuff… That will get rid of the Huon particles?"

He nodded in confirmation as he rolled over a tall metal tray, laying the supplies out on top of it. The silver of the syringe gleamed in the infirmary lights, mocking me. I sat sideways on the bed and pulled my knees up to my chin, wrapping my arms around them. The look of sympathy on his face told me I wasn't hiding my terror very well.

"You may feel a bit queasy for a while. A couple of hours, maybe a day. The solution can tend to upset simpler systems." His left hand was held out, palm up, waiting but not touching me yet. "I'm sorry that I have to put you through this. Can I see your right arm, please?"

I couldn't voice a response, but I did hold out my right arm to him. The fingers of his left hand were warm as he placed them underneath my elbow, straightening my arm out and supporting it. I wasn't sure if I should turn away, or watch. Ultimately, I decided on the latter. If I closed my eyes, I just knew there would be visions of Torchwood. At least, if my eyes were open, it would be easier to tell myself that I was safe.

A finger tapped on the inside of my elbow, right where a blue vein showed through. "I'll place the needle here. Easiest place to access the bloodstream. I'm going to inject it now, okay?" The fingers of my left hand tightened, my nails digging into my leg, as he lifted the syringe from the tray and brought it to my arm. There was an all-too-familiar pinch and my eyes squeezed shut against my will. IV needles and syringes, filled with blue and green liquids that made my insides burn and revolt, were there inside my mind, making my skin crawl with the memories of hundreds of little pinpricks. Toupee's unending laughter, Ed's screams when I plunged the syringe into his arm were loud inside my ears.

"It's done," the Doctor's voice pushed past the noise, bringing me back from the edge I'd been teetering on. There was another pinch, then a soft pressure on the injection site. "You can look now, Evie." True to his word, when I dared to open my eyes I found the syringe gone, placed back on the tray, and him holding what looked like a cotton ball to the spot. "How are you feeling?"

"It could have been worse," I said, shrugging out of habit and immediately regretting it. It hadn't been as bad as I'd feared when he first told me about the injection. "Even if it did bring me back to days spent strapped down to an operating table."

It was clear how much he wanted to ask me about my days there, but he chose not to. Instead, he focused on the clear pain in my expression. "Now that the Huon particles should be taken care of, I can take a look at your back. If you don't mind, that is."

He was being so careful not to cross any lines or make any mistakes. In the past, all of these questions would have grated on my last nerve. But now I was more than grateful, recognizing that I needed this kind of step by step process he was taking in explaining what he was doing and making sure I was okay with it. It was as if he was presenting everything in a bite size chunk that somehow made this whole process more manageable.

"I would appreciate it. I don't think I'll be able to sleep in this much pain. How am I supposed to keep up my cranky and irritable act if I can't shrug or wave my hands angrily in the air like I've been?" My terrible attempt at a joke had him smiling, at least, which had me feeling a bit better in return.

Letting go of my arm and putting the cotton ball down, he gestured for me to roll over. I did so slowly, trying not to disturb my back much, and settled onto my stomach, placing both arms under my head for support. As he lifted the hem of my pajama shirt and exposed my back, he began to narrate his actions for me, pausing long enough between steps that I could have asked him to stop if I needed to. There was still a large blue patch wrapped around my ribcage from yesterday that he removed, sliding it out from under my stomach to dispose of it. His hands were gentle, still warm, as he began to apply pressure over my back to see where it hurt. He started near the top of my shoulder blades, pushing down with his fingertips in different areas as he worked.

The silence between us lasted only a few moments before the Doctor spoke again, cutting the tension that was starting to build in the room. "You looked surprised before, when I found you underneath the floor. You didn't think I would find you, did you?"

From where my head rested on top of my arms, I couldn't see his face. Maybe that was for the best. "No, I didn't," I decided to admit. "I thought that, after what I had done, you would have left me there. I thought I was going to die there."

"Did you…" His hands paused, resting on top of my skin. "Did you want to? Die, I mean."

I opened my mouth to say no, to lie, because I was afraid of looking any weaker than I already did. But instead of letting myself tell that lie, I took a deep breath in. If I ever wanted this to work, traveling with the Doctor, I had to start being honest with him. "Yes." Almost instantly, I regretted the words coming out. I sounded _pathetic_. "You lied before. You told Donna I was a fighter, but I'm not… I didn't even try and fight those robots as they forced me to drink jug after jug of water to the point I wanted to choke on it and die. I didn't fight them when they tied me up and tossed me in that hole. I didn't fight at all." It was better that I couldn't see his face. At least I wouldn't be able to see the disappointment there.

A hard rock of shame formed in my stomach when he didn't say anything. His hands resumed their inspection of my back, picking up from the bottom of my shoulder blades. I had as good as just told him that I wasn't fit for traveling. He would never take me anywhere again now or, worse, he would make me leave because I was useless to him. What had I just done? Why had I said all of that?

His fingers placed pressure on a tender spot behind my right breast and I gasped, a flare of pain igniting. "That's a rib," he explained, removing his hands. "You said before that it hurt to breathe?"

"Yeah, there's a sort of stabbing pain when I breathe in."

"It's possible you cracked the rib and it's pressing on your lung. I'll need you to sit up so I can wrap a fresh patch around your ribcage. But it will still hurt to breathe until the rib sets back into place."

I obliged silently, avoiding his gaze as I pushed myself up into a sitting position. With the blue tape and white tube in hand, he moved to stand behind the bed and I lifted the hem of my shirt up in my hands, stopping at the bottom of my chest, so he could work. "The mending gel might feel a bit cold, sorry, and then I'll wrap the nanogene patch around your ribs like last time." Last time, as if I could remember, when I had been unconscious and he had undressed me.

The Doctor continued to talk, his voice low, distracting me from the fact that the mending gel was indeed very cold on my bare skin. "It's okay, you know, the way that you feel. Just because you stopped fighting doesn't mean that you aren't a fighter. You fought _hard_ for a whole month against Torchwood, against Yvonne Hartman, and all of the pain that they put you through. You were tired today. I understand." There was a slight pressure as the blue patch was wrapped around my midsection snugly and then he was instructing me to lower my shirt. "Now, I know I said we would only do those two things right now but, if it's okay with you, I would like to look at your other injuries and see how you're healing."

"Fine." I swallowed the lump in my throat down while he retrieved the rolling chair from the other side of the room and used it to sit down at the side of the bed in front of my legs.

He met my eyes for permission before asking to see my ankle. I nodded, bracing myself for the contact again before he rolled the left leg of my pajama pants up to my knee. This wasn't at all how I had expected this conversation to go. I thought for sure there would be some kind of lecture, telling me how badly I had screwed up and put everyone in danger. Not only had he not lectured me, but he was going out of his way to make sure I was okay. When he very slowly started to peel the nanogene wrap back from my ankle, I found myself blurting, "I'm sorry, Doctor." The man waited until the patch was in a pile on the floor before pausing to look up at me again, a signal to continue. "I haven't made things easy for you, and I know I'm not what you expected, or what you want to deal with so soon after losing Rose, and I'm sorry, and-"

"Evangeline, _I'm_ sorry." I stuttered to a stop, taken back by his apology. I was the one who screwed up, and he was sorry? "I brought you out there with me and asked you to trust me, but I haven't given you very many reasons to."

He wasn't mad at me? But… why? "It's not that I don't want to trust you… It's just that trust isn't easy for me, especially now."

"Why?" I had the feeling he was choosing his words very carefully and that his mind, far too observant for my liking, was taking stock of everything I said or didn't say and every reaction, storing them all like pieces to a puzzle that he couldn't quite finish. "I know about Torchwood, and that's enough to make anyone wary of others. But there's more to your trust issues, isn't there?"

I mumbled a generic "Mm-hm" but didn't elaborate immediately. His eyes, the color of milk chocolate in the bright infirmary lights, had shifted back to my ankle. It was easier to think when it didn't feel like he was scrutinizing every muscle twitch and breath. The ankle looked and felt much better as his long fingers pressed on the skin that was no longer swollen or bruised. I had to tell him something, but I wasn't sure I was ready yet to get into all of the specifics. "Someone in my life, someone very important to me, changed. It seemed so sudden when it happened. Looking back, though, there were warnings and signs, and I chose to ignore them because I didn't want to see it." The first time my father had stayed out all night, coming home in the morning with no explanation and reeking with a stench I couldn't place, a stench I had since learned was whiskey. The first time I had opened the fridge to find a whole case of beer but almost no food, or the day I'd come home from school to find every framed picture of my mother smashed on the floor. "They changed, and they never changed back."

"Well, your ankle looks good as new. It might still feel weak for a bit as it finishes healing fully. Arms?" The Doctor stood from the chair, taking my extended left arm in his hands first, and busying himself with removing the tiny blue patches that had covered the bruises and larger cuts from all of the injections. I almost thought he wasn't going to comment on my confession, until he asked, "You're referring to your father, or, should I say, to Paige's father?" A small sigh escaped my lips. It shouldn't have surprised me that he'd figured that much out, considering that I'd been dodging his questions about Dad. I nodded while he finished picking off the last bandage from my left arm. Then he frowned, a sudden question worrying him. "How did he change? Did he hurt you?"

"No." My answer was quick, too quick, and I worried he wouldn't believe me, but relief replaced the concern on his face. "He just… became absent, as if I wasn't there anymore. When Mom died, it was like he lost his soul along with her." Okay, so I'd lied. But after everything today, I just couldn't have this conversation about my father. Besides, the Doctor already pitied me enough. "He had never wanted me anyway, had never wanted to adopt me in the first place. It was easy enough for him to pretend that he hadn't. And then Torchwood…" At least only part of that was a lie. My father had never wanted me, and he'd made sure I knew it after Mom passed.

"I understand." By this point, the Doctor had moved on to my right arm and was removing the smaller bandages. It occurred to me, as I watched his hands work, that my mind wasn't revolting at his touch. My body was still tensing up, but the visions and memories that had surfaced at every touch so far were dormant. Maybe it was his asking permission at each step or the length of time we'd been here in the infirmary, or maybe both. Whatever the case, I didn't feel panicked. "I understand," he said again, "why you're having trouble trusting me. I'm at fault here, too. I forgot about my promise not to touch you without asking."

He was watching me again, observing me, with his fingertips paused on the large bandage covering my forearm. "Rose is gone… And I was distracted. I forgot my promise and I caused you pain because of it. After what you've been through, your reaction was justified, Evie. I'll take the blame here because I shouldn't have let you come with us today, not so soon after escaping Torchwood."

When he finished taking the large blue patch off of my forearm, I was relieved to see that the hole in my arm was looking much better. The missing chunk of flesh had almost fully grown back and though it still looked raw, it no longer appeared infected or inflamed. It looked more like an irritated burn, a few layers of skin still missing. "That's healing nicely. By the time your ribs heal, this should be back to normal. No scars."

I was aware of him applying mending gel and a fresh bandage around the area, but my mind was stuck on what he'd said before. He shouldn't have let me come with them, that's what he thought. But what did that mean? "Do you…" My words caught, and I was afraid to ask the question. I was afraid of what his answer would be. "Do you mean that I can't leave the TARDIS again? Because I've been locked up for a month, Doctor, stuck in a tiny cell in that tower. The TARDIS might not be a tiny cell, but I can't do that again."

Now that he was finished with my arm, he focused on my face once more. His fingertips reached up to my cheek and I couldn't help but flinch. There was no anger in his eyes, just a shimmer of grief and sadness while he waited for me to still. When I didn't pull away, he set his hand on top of the blue patch that still covered part of my jaw and cheek, where Toupee had hit me. "Does it still hurt?"

"Will it ever stop?" I didn't mean my cheek, and I was pretty sure he knew that. But that wasn't a question he, or anyone, could answer for me. "No, Doctor, my cheek doesn't hurt anymore." My skin tingled as he peeled the bandage back and let it drop to the floor where the rest lay discarded. "You didn't answer my question, either of them." I still needed an answer to my question in the console room.

"Does anything else hurt?"

"No, I'm just a little tired. Now stop avoiding my questions."

He leaned back against the medical bed next to me with his arms crossed, close but not quite touching my side. Even with as tall as the medical bed was, the top of my head still only came to about his shoulders from where I sat. What was taking him so long? I was starting to feel anxious about what his answer would be. His fingers drummed quietly on his arm for a moment before he spoke. "Of course you can leave the TARDIS, Evie. You're not my hostage. Right now, you are my ward and someone that I can call a friend, I hope." It was so weird, and slightly surreal, to hear him say that. A friend. The Doctor had called me his friend, this fictional person who wasn't so fictional anymore. "But we are going to stay on the TARDIS for a few days while you finish recovering. I take full blame for what happened today, but that can't happen again." I hummed in agreement. "If you're going to travel with me, you need to be able to trust me, at least enough to take care of you. I can't promise that you won't be in danger or that we won't get separated again, but it will be much more dangerous if you can't trust me. And vice versa."

"Yeah, I get that. I think I can handle a few days on the TARDIS." At least it wouldn't be permanent. Maybe I could go exploring, or maybe I could convince him to take me to see Regina while I finished healing. That wouldn't technically be an adventure. He was right, of course. I didn't want to feel the way I had in that taxi again. "I'm working on it, Doctor. I'm trying. I did just let you stab me with a syringe, didn't I?"

"Yes, and I am thoroughly impressed." He shot me a lopsided grin briefly before turning serious once more. "Your other question… Why did I ask you to come with me?"

It was my turn to frown at him now. His fingers still drummed on his arm, a sure sign that he was thinking hard about his answer. "I need to know." I spent a long time feeling unwanted and like I didn't belong. Even after waking up as Evangeline, a large part of me felt like I still didn't belong, and likely always would. I didn't think I could handle it if that was how the Doctor saw me, too.

A deep breath in, then he turned to his side, leaning his hip against the bed so he could face me. My stomach sank slightly. His answer couldn't be good if he was taking this long to say it. "You are dangerous, Evie, that much is true. And it's true that I don't like the idea of you being out there alone, for many of the same reasons you told that Regina of yours. You're still an anomaly, and that's never a good thing to be. But that's not the reason I asked you to come with me."

Hope filled my stomach like butterflies, making me feel a little queasy. Or maybe that was the injection. Either way, I was relieved. "Why, then?"

With a sudden grin again, he explained, "Because you're interesting. And because I don't like to travel alone. Rose got that much right. You're angry, and understandably so, at the world. But even with everything you've been put through, Evie, you're still going strong, regardless of the way you felt today. You're still capable of a kindness that not everyone is, especially people who have endured what you have. I've been all over the universe, met all sorts of people, and very few can witness the worst that this universe has to offer and still be _kind_. That's why I asked you to come."

A heat rose to my cheeks and I had to look away from his gaze for a moment. He'd gotten the angry part right, though I hadn't felt particularly kind lately. I certainly hadn't been kind to him. "Thank you," I said sincerely. "I needed to know that, that I wasn't just some hazardous waste you were forced to bring along. A couple of days on the TARDIS then?"

"Doctor's orders."

I snorted as he stood from the bed and I carefully hopped down. The tiled floor was cold on my bare feet and my ribs ached with the effort, but I was feeling more alive than I had in a long time. I was feeling hopeful, for the first time since… I wasn't sure when the last time I had allowed myself to hope was. Maybe since before Mom had died.

"Time for you to finish recovering, get some rest, and explore. The old girl needs a chance to recover after today, as well. All those Huon particles wreaked havoc with her systems. Even I could use some time away from all that running around." He'd been so busy dealing with me and Donna that he hadn't had time to mourn Rose properly yet. "In a few days, if you feel that you're ready, we can consider taking a trip somewhere."

A few days, that was doable. After today, I wasn't raring to go explore any planets or face anymore bad guys just yet, but I would get there. "Thank you. For being patient with me, I mean." Before I could say anything else, a weird gurgling sound filled the room. It took me a moment to realize it was coming from my stomach, and a loud laugh bubbled out of me. Now that my nerves were calmed and there was no immediate issue stressing me out, my empty stomach was becoming painfully obvious.

"I think it's time I showed you the kitchen. Who knows when the last time you had a proper meal was?" I couldn't actually remember. I had been so out of it those last few days at Torchwood from the pain and the fever. It wasn't as if I could consider the slop they'd fed me real food, anyway. "Come on, let's find you something to eat."

Likely out of habit, the Doctor held his hand out to me. I stared at it for a moment before I looked up into his eyes and shook my head. I would have loved to place my hand in his and think nothing of it, but I couldn't. "I'm not quite there yet." Eventually, I would be. I just had to keep telling myself that.

"That's okay, Evie, you don't have to be. Follow me." Tucking his hands into his pockets, he led the way with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to check out my Trello page (link in my profile) if you're interested in seeing what story I'm currently working on and where in the writing process the story is.


	13. Touring the TARDIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, everyone! I know it's been a little bit and I'm sorry! Life's been a little crazy and I decided to take on more stories along with this and "The Light Within" (for a total of 4 fics at the moment). Between life, school (I teach), and quarantine, I've been really struggling with my writing lately. I have a lot going on in my life at the moment so I'm just doing the best I can with everything. To those of you who have stuck around, I appreciate you. I promise that I have not stopped working on either of my Doctor Who stories, but I can't promise any sort of schedule moving forward. Anyway, this chapter is very chill. Evie's finally been given a break. I have to say that there isn't a whole lot going on in this chapter action-wise, but you will get to know Evie a bit better, and I'm excited for that.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left Kudos or comments! I haven't been so great at responding to comments lately but I promise I'm trying to get better at that. Just know that I appreciate every single person who leaves a Kudos or a comment, and hearing your thoughts on the story, or even just knowing that you enjoyed the story enough to hit that Kudos button, makes my day and reminds me just what I'm writing for.

Chapter 13: Touring the TARDIS

* * *

_~"Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath."~_

_Eckhart Tolle_

* * *

How long could a person go without closing their eyes? I had been staring up at the ceiling for so long that I was bound to find out. They had started to ache at some point that felt like forever ago, and my eyelids were desperate to slide shut. I couldn't let them, as much as I might have wanted to, because when they closed…

I wasn't sure how much time I had spent in this battle with my eyelids. I wasn't sure how much time I had been here on the TARDIS for. How many days? Weeks? No, that was probably exaggerating. But there was no real way to tell the time in here, and it wasn't as if I had a phone. Torchwood had eaten that, after all. I could probably wager that it had been about two days, roughly, based on how often I had gotten hungry. But even that wasn't a reliable indicator since they had all but ruined my appetite. That would make it three days since I was rescued from Torchwood.

Rescued. A bitter laugh croaked out of my throat. It was a funny word considering I didn't _feel _rescued. It felt more like all of the good parts of me had been ripped out and left behind and only a husk of who I used to be had made it out. Could we still call that "rescued"? A husk who couldn't even close her eyes because the things she saw behind them made her blood run cold.

I'd spent these three days, or however much time it really was, in a daze. After the Doctor had patched me up again and showed me where the kitchen was, and after I had gotten over the shock that the TARDIS even had a relatively normal kitchen, I'd done a lot of sleeping. Another set of those pills, the antibiotic and the one to keep me from dreaming, had helped. It was a strange concept, sleeping that much. I'd gotten more sleep in the last few days than I would have in a normal month of my life, or rather Paige's life. My self-labeled insomnia kept me from getting more than an hour or two of sleep at night.

The desire to blink was overwhelming my fight to keep them open and my eyelids slowly started to droop. Apparently, this was as long as I could go without closing them. That was one question answered.

A slideshow burst to life the moment the darkness settled in. Yvonne Hartman's arrogant smirk. Toupee's cold hands, one around the base of my throat, pressing me into the wall, and the other sliding up the side of my stomach. The woman who looked like Martha hunched over on her desk, lifeless. Rose's brown eyes searing into mine, terrified, as her fingers slipped out of my grasp.

My feet were on the floor in seconds, new socks slipping on the carpet as I bolted to the bathroom. Cold water splashed onto my face at the sink in an effort to force my eyes to stay open. When I looked up into the mirror, I still had trouble recognizing myself in the reflection. My color had come back so I didn't look like Casper the Not-So-Friendly Ghost anymore, masked in areas by the blue patches that the Doctor insisted I kept on. By now, it was just the one on my right arm, where Torchwood had cut into me, and the one around my slightly tender cracked ribs. Beneath my pajamas, I was still too skinny, nothing but a skeleton with too-long brown hair. My green and grey eyes were puffy and bloodshot, irritated by so many minutes without blinking. When would I be able to look at myself and see me again? Where was I hiding? All this time alone in my room had only been a breeding ground for too many questions I didn't have answers for.

Was Lexa still watching _Doctor Who_ without me?

Did my father miss me at all? Did he care that I was gone? Was he up late at night regretting all the times he had wished I didn't exist and the pain he had caused?

Why was I here? Why didn't I exist?

Was it all my fault?

That was the one I couldn't seem to escape. Had everything that happened these last few days been my fault? Was I the reason so many people were dead and gone? Martha's relative, Addy, I think Yvonne had called her. Every single person who had been turned into a Cyberman. Yvonne, may she rot in hell. Raj, who had tried to stand up for me. All of those innocent people whose bodies had littered the streets, who had never been connected to Torchwood but had suffered all the same. How many children had been left without parents? How many parents had been left without their children?

Even Rose.

This had all happened in the show. I had known that all of this would take place, but I had been so sure that it was _supposed_ to be this way. It happened on TV, and who was I to go against that?

But this wasn't television anymore. These were real people, and they had died real deaths. Rose was really gone. Could I have done something? _Should_ I have done something? If I had told the Doctor right from the get-go, could we have changed things, saved people? Maybe we could have saved Rose.

What good was I? Why was I here if I wasn't meant to change what happened?

So many questions and I couldn't make them stop. My head throbbed with the sheer number of them spinning around in there. Was it my fault? That one hurt more than the rest, a small knife in the heart every time it circled back around.

I splashed another handful of cold water on my face, rubbing it into the area beneath my eyes to ease some of the aching, before returning to my bedroom. This was where I had kept myself, confined myself to, the entire time. Well, almost the entire time, outside of venturing out for something to eat every so often. If only the TARDIS had equipped my room with a food generator like they had on _Star Trek. _Though, if it had one, I would probably never come out. Three days, assuming I was correct on how much time had passed, and I'd barely left my room.

At first, I'd managed to convince myself that it was because I didn't feel well. My back hurt, my ribs were cracked, and I was tired. When I stopped being able to sleep, both because I had run out of the anti-dream pills and because of my insomnia, the excuses also ran out. The real reason I hadn't left my room much was that I was avoiding the Doctor.

The idea of running into him somewhere on the TARDIS was enough to make me find something to occupy myself. I had turned to my notebook, something Evangeline and I both shared. Her notebook was different than mine had been in my world, but its purpose was the same: songs. Ever since Mom had shown me how to play the piano, I'd used music as a distraction when life was too much. But that only worked for so long, and I could only write so many notes and lyrics before my mind couldn't be distracted anymore. Three days and I couldn't stand the thought of staying cooped up in this room for another minute.

The door on the other side of the room taunted me; it had been the entire time. Leaving the safety of my bedroom meant risking seeing the Doctor. It wasn't that I didn't want to see him… I was _afraid _of seeing him.

A part of me, one that was growing smaller and smaller with each passing hour that I didn't wake up in my own world in my own bed, still wasn't wholly convinced he was real, or that any of this was real. How could it be? How could I be here? More questions I couldn't stop asking. So far, the Doctor had made it obvious that he could tell when I was lying. I wasn't sure if he would be able to read the endless questions that filled my head written on my face, and I was afraid, terrified, of taking that chance. I had already lied to him enough by not telling him everything about my life in the other world. Not telling him about the show that was his life in that world.

Maybe I should have told him. Maybe things would have been different, lives might have been saved, if I had said something when I first saw him. If I had told him about the Daleks and the Cybermen, maybe he would have been able to stop them sooner.

Was it my fault?

The constant questions were raising a thick sort of haze in my chest, clogging me up inside and making it hard to pull in a breath. Staying cooped up in this room was giving my mind too much time to wander and think. I needed a distraction. Padding over to the end of the bed, I pulled off the blanket that had been folded at the bottom, the same striped blanket I had brought with me from Regina's, and pulled it around my shoulders. I wasn't cold, but the tight embrace of the blanket helped settle the heart that was starting to beat too quickly in my chest.

Should I change my clothes? I was wearing pajamas: flannel pants and a long-sleeved shirt with thick socks. A wonderful invention, socks, and something I had sorely missed in my month spent barefoot. Whatever hell Yvonne had found herself in, somewhere down in one of the lowest levels where she was probably rotting next to Hitler and the special spot that was saved for my father, I hope she was barefoot and that her feet were always cold. I hope that bitch was suffering. The Doctor's voice chimed in my ear, telling me that I should be better than her, be a better person. Why? Why did that fall on me? Why hadn't it been Yvonne's job to be a better person from the beginning?

Screw it. I didn't need to change out of my pajamas. After everything I had been through, I _deserved_ to do what I wanted for once and feel comfortable. But when I placed my hand on the doorknob to leave, a sudden sense of apprehension hit me. Leaving the room meant risking a run-in with the Doctor. Was I ready for that?

He was real. I had spent the majority of my life, since Mom had first gotten me hooked on the show, wishing with every fiber of my being for that. I'd started writing Fanfiction as a way to bring him to life in my mind when real life became too much to handle. But now that he was real and not just in my head, I didn't know how to talk to him. How was I supposed to interact with an alien man I'd believed was fictional for ten years?

He didn't seem to know how to talk to me, either. I had seen him a few times when I had ventured out of my room to find something to eat, and each time he seemed to be lost for words almost. His brown eyes watched me, sad and cautious like I was a stray dog he was afraid of spooking. Maybe I was; I'd already bitten his head off more than once. Sometimes he opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, only to close it a moment later without saying anything at all. Or worse, he would ask me how I was.

What was I supposed to say to that? Sure, the pain was mostly gone, minus the tenderness in my cracked ribs. Did that mean I was okay? I couldn't close my eyes without seeing the stuff of nightmares. I hadn't had a panic attack since we dropped Donna off, but I was afraid to try and go to sleep. And when I thought about what had happened to me since waking up as Evangeline, a dark rage, hot as a pit of molten lava, erupted deep in my core, so intense that all I wanted to do was punch something and scream until my lungs exploded.

I couldn't say I was okay. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to. But when he looked at me, clearly uncomfortable with the broken shell of a girl he had brought along, I couldn't help but feel like a disappointment.

My fingers gripped the doorknob tighter. "Come on, Evie," I willed my voice to sound stronger than I felt. It didn't waiver or crack and I forced in a deep, steadying breath. I wasn't going to get any better, _feel_ any better, if I didn't leave this room. Before any second-guessing thoughts could spawn, the doorknob turned in my hand.

Finally standing in the TARDIS hallway, I was hit with the notion that I had no idea where to go. I wasn't hungry yet, and the console room was almost guaranteed to be where the Doctor was. Where else could I go?

Wait a minute. This was the TARDIS, a ship that was infinitely bigger on the inside. This was my chance to do something that every Whovian alive wanted to do.

"TARDIS?" I probably could have spoken to her with my thoughts, but saying it out loud made me feel less like I was talking to thin air. A low buzz vibrated through the back of my skull, a gentle nudge to continue. "Could you… show me around? You've got to have something in here more interesting than my room. I'd appreciate it if we could avoid the Doctor for right now." A light blinked on the wall to my left, an indicator I'd come to recognize as her way of telling me where to go. "Take me anywhere." My socks were silent on the smooth floor as my feet shuffled down the hallway after the lights that blinked one by one, like a ship following a lighthouse beacon to avoid getting lost in the dark recesses of the ocean.

The hallway was silent, almost unnervingly so. Even the TARDIS herself didn't seem to be making any noise. No wheezing, no groaning, no hum of an engine. Silence usually bothered me, with no sounds to distract me from my mind, but there was one benefit to the sheer quiet as the ship led me wherever she wanted me to go: no footsteps, no Doctor. No having to pretend I wasn't incredibly screwed up or that I wasn't lying to him every time I spoke.

Maybe I should have just told him the truth. It didn't matter right now; there was no going back.

A couple of turns later, I had passed by at least a dozen different doors and passages into other halls. Some had normal-looking doors like my bedroom, and some had doors that looked like they slid up or to the side. The lights kept blinking along, so I followed along until they stopped, tucking away the curiosity at all of these unexplored rooms. When the light finally stopped, I was standing in front of an archway carved into the hallway wall. There was a small, minimalistic sign plate on the wall to my left, some simple letters that spelled out _Wardrobe_. Was there a lion and a witch in here, too?

With the hand that wasn't clutching the ends of the blanket together in front of my chest, I reached up and traced a finger along the edges of the letters. Darkness filled the inside of the arch. Not knowing what was waiting for me on the other side of the doorway filled me with a sense of dread, but I forced myself to take a deep breath in and push past that feeling. I had to trust that the TARDIS wouldn't hurt me. No, that was only partially correct. I _needed_ to trust that the TARDIS wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Her presence brushed against my mind softly, her invisible hands giving me a gentle nudge.

The moment I stepped through the doorway, the room flooded with light and my breath flew out of me as quickly as the darkness disappeared. "This is…" Words escaped me as I took in the sight around me.

I was standing on a walkway, somewhat bronze in color, that led to a rounded platform in the center of the room. There was a small bench off to the side of the platform, surrounded by a couple of stands wearing jackets and hats. There was a brown jacket, a pale beige hat with a red wrap around the base, a dark striped scarf… Something about them looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. As I slowly progressed further into the room along the walkway, my attention was drawn to the tall spiral staircase that protruded from the platform. Not only did it go up, I realized, but also down into the space below. The staircase seemed to stretch on forever in both directions. No matter how hard I looked, it was impossible to see an end. My mind couldn't even begin to process the sheer number of clothes that lined the walls, levels upon levels of racks that went on for as long as the staircase did.

My jaw dropped and my hand gripped the railing of the staircase to keep my legs from crumbling beneath me as they turned to jelly in sheer astonishment. Some of these clothes didn't even look _human_, with too many holes for arms or heads. A red shirt hung up on a rack five or six levels up from me with a giant opening right in the center where the stomach should be. What kind of aliens was the TARDIS expecting to dress? What kind of alien would wear that?

There were so many clothes, so many colors, shapes, styles. I couldn't begin to comprehend the sheer number of racks, even as my feet found the first step of the staircase. Almost immediately, my eyes latched on to a dark purple sweater above my head, and I climbed the next handful of steps to reach the same level.

"How do I reach you?" I quickly realized a problem with my desire when I went to reach for it and found that my reach was too short. That seemed to be an issue with all of the racks, though. The staircase was closer to one side of the room than the other and, therefore, was only close enough to reach one small section of each rack. It felt like this room had been designed by an alien with really long arms.

The moment I asked the question, though, my heart nearly jumped out of my chest. The level with the purple sweater suddenly began to move, rotating like the racks at a dry cleaner's would, and spun in a quick circle. My eyes lost track of the sweater in the blur of movement, and then it was right in front of my face. "Thank you?" She had nearly given me a heart attack, but that didn't matter. My fingers reached out and pulled the sweater from its hanger. It was just about the softest thing I had ever felt, made from some sort of plush knit fabric I couldn't name. I was holding a purple cloud in my hands, and I never wanted to put it down. "Can I keep this?" Another soft buzz in my mind but this time it felt more like a quick pulse instead of a long hum like before. Was that her way of saying yes?

Letting the blanket slip from my shoulders, I placed it on the step in front of me and pulled the sweater over my head. Even with the long-sleeved shirt beneath it, the sweater was loose and baggy on me. But it was comfortable and the extra warmth it provided helped to calm the nerves that had gotten stirred up when I left my room.

When was the last time I had owned something as nice as this, or the last time I had been in a store with so many clothes? Growing up with my father, I'd never done much shopping. He wouldn't take me when I was young. By the time I was old enough to go on my own, I had learned to start saving any money I had so that I could leave him when I turned eighteen. The lava inside of me bubbled at the memories, at how naive I had been at first. I used to keep the money I was saving in my bedroom, rolled up and hidden in socks in the back of my underwear drawer. It was impossible to get a bank account as a minor without him knowing about it. Common sense told me that my money should be safe there. What kind of father went into his daughter's underwear, after all? Especially when he made me do all of the laundry, his reasons for looking through my clothing were slim.

I remembered the day I came home from school to find that he had ransacked my room. My drawers had been ripped from the dresser. Clothes were everywhere, and my money was gone. The next day at school, I told everyone that my busted lip and bruised jaw were from falling out of a tree in my backyard. The only one who hadn't bought it was Lexa. All of my money was kept at her house after that.

I don't know how much time I spent in the wardrobe after that. My blanket once more wrapped around my shoulders, I began making my way up and down the spiral staircase, pointing at different pieces of clothing. "Are you able to send things to my room?" I had asked the TARDIS after finding a pair of grey jeans that looked promising, receiving another quick pulse in response. Still assuming that meant yes, and she didn't buzz me again to say otherwise, I picked out a few more pieces of clothing to have her stash in my closet.

When I had left Regina's, I hadn't packed much, believing that I'd be sleeping on the streets and homeless. My small duffel bag could only carry so much. Now that it looked like I would be staying here on the TARDIS, staying with the Doctor, for a while, new clothes were going to be essential. By the time I stepped off of the staircase, finished browsing and feeling more than a bit overwhelmed by all of the options, I had picked out a handful of jeans, leggings, and shirts. An effort was made to find some shirts I wouldn't have normally worn as Paige, since I had only ever really worn long-sleeved shirts to hide the daily bruises and leftover scars. Evangeline's body didn't have those same scars and, thanks to the Doctor and his alien medicine, there wouldn't be any physical scars left from Torchwood, either. Even so, it was hard for me to pick out anything with short sleeves.

New clothes, new person, right? At least, that's what I was hoping.

When it was finally time to leave the wardrobe room, I automatically turned to the left in the hallway, opposite of the direction I had originally come from. "Where to next, girl?" Though the hallway was still quiet enough to hear a pin drop, knowing that the TARDIS was there somewhere in the back of my mind made the silence a little less awful.

The lights were already on in the next room and I could tell what room it was without having to read the sign plate. _Library_.

The library was impressive, I would give it that. Levels and levels of shelves filled to the brim with books so high that I didn't bother attempting to count how many. Unlike the wardrobe, though, I was pretty sure I could see where the ceiling met the top level. I would never want to climb that high, but I could see it. Against the front wall was a ladder leading up and up and up. There had to be an elevator here somewhere. There was absolutely no way anyone could actually climb all the way to the top. Could they? Each level of bookshelves stretched across the width of the room and, from where I was standing, it looked like there might have been a walkway of sorts along the wall behind the bookshelves to make it possible to browse. There were only partially empty bookshelves on the main floor where I stood, scattered across the area between large, comfy couches and chairs, even a few bean bags that looked like they could swallow me whole.

The one thing I didn't understand, however, was the area in the back of the library. It took up the whole back wall and was raised off the main floor several levels. There were no lights, making it impossible to tell what exactly was up there, with no obvious way to get up there. I could make out the dim shape of some bookshelves, but not much else. What could be back there that the Doctor or the TARDIS wouldn't want to be accessed?

The library was beautiful and impressive, even I had to admit. I had wandered over to one of the empty bookcases, my fingertips running over the edges of the barren dark mahogany shelves. It would be easy to spend hours here, curled up in one of the massive bean bags. But books weren't my idea of a good time, no matter how much this room had me wishing they were. I had never found reading much fun. My mother had loved books, as did Regina. I didn't have anything against reading; it just wasn't for me.

"This must be one of the Doctor's favorite rooms. Well, maybe next to the swimming pool. It's absolutely amazing. _You're_ absolutely amazing, have I mentioned that?" I mused out loud, turning around to admire the room once more. "Reading's not really my thing, though. You got any rooms I might actually use?" This time the vibrations in my head felt more like a sigh, low and drawn out. "Don't give me that. I said you were amazing, didn't I? I just don't like to read."

The light in the hallway outside of the arch blinked, a signal that she was ready to show me something else. I hoped she wasn't upset that I didn't like the library. It was an amazing room, even if it wasn't one I could see myself using very often. The idea of doing nothing but reading for any length of time was enough to make me shudder. Especially now, books weren't enough to take my mind off of the thoughts that plagued me constantly.

As she led me to the next room, I couldn't help but wonder what other rooms were inside the TARDIS. How many rooms were here? If the TARDIS was truly endless, did that mean that the number of rooms inside her was, too? I could probably spend days, maybe months, just exploring the rooms in here and never even come close to seeing all of them.

A few moments passed of walking through new hallways, the blinking light once again ignoring so many rooms on either side of me that I had to stop trying to imagine what each one was. One of them was definitely a room full of jello, I had decided. I wasn't sure why the Doctor would have a room full of jello, but I was _positive_ he would have one. Or maybe it wasn't jello at all, but jelly babies.

My eyes caught on a sign plate and my feet stopped in their tracks, socks sliding on the smooth floor. An excitement I hadn't felt in an impossibly long time sparked to life inside of my chest, small but warm. This room's door was an arch, just like the other two, and I all but squealed as the furnishings inside came into view. _Music_, the sign read. "This is more like it. This is me."

The first thought that popped into my head when I stepped onto the soft hardwood floor was _home_. The room was small and bright, cozy with a large grey couch in the center and a plush white rug beneath it that took up the majority of the floor. For a music room, though, it was surprisingly empty. I had expected to see all sorts of instruments, from violins to saxophones to drums to weird alien ones I would never be able to name. Instead, there were only two. A guitar, the color of pine, was propped up on its stand on one side of the room. On the other side sat a large ebony baby grand piano looking out over the room from the corner.

The sight of it took my breath away. Suddenly I was eight years old, sitting in my mother's lap as she guided my hands over the keys.

"_This is C1. Listen. Hear how deep that sounds? Just like your Daddy when he snores."_

"_Why's it called C1? Is it 'cause it's the first key?"_

"_Close, Monkey. It's the first C. It's called an octave. There's actually seven of them. Seven C's"_

"_Momma?"_

"_Yes, Monkey?"_

"_Why do you play the piano?"_

"_There are many reasons I play the piano. It's a beautiful instrument. It doesn't sound like anything else in the world. Just like all of us, just like you, it's unique."_

Lost in thoughts, I had wandered over and sat down at the piano. It reminded me of the one Mom had always wished she could own. We only ever had an upright piano that didn't take up much room in our house. At least, we'd had one until Dad had sold it after she died. He couldn't take the memories that overwhelmed him every time he looked at it, knowing she would never touch those keys again.

My blanket slipped from my shoulders to settle on the bench around me. My fingers brushed over the keys lightly.

"_The best kind of music is the kind that's real. It takes a piece of you when you play and shares that piece with the world, whether you want to share it or not."_

I could feel her fingers on mine as I pressed down on D4. The note hit me like a breath of fresh air, cooling the fire burning low in my core. Each note that I pressed, from C to E and back to D again, was a spark of light in the dark, leading me home, back to a time long since gone.

"_Remember this for me, Paige. There will come a day when I'm gone, when I'm no longer here. Even though you won't be able to see me, I will always be with you, there in between the notes."_

The awkward keys slowly changed into a melody, sheet music from a different world filling my head as the ghosts of my mother's hands played along with me.


End file.
